"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock." Matthew 7:24
What is the rock for which we have built our homes?
Growing up, I was born into the Catholic church. I can remember walking into the country church that sat on a hill formed graveyard. As I entered the sanctuary my black patten leather shoes that buckled clicked on the stone floor. We always sat near the front, which I thought was a reason to show everyone who we were. We were known in the community, I had a large extended family. I later decided my parents wanted to sit near the front so when they had to take me outside the doors to spank me, which happened at least once a month, everyone could see what was happening. I liked that church even though now thinking back it feels cold to me. Dead, ritualistic, yet traditional. Years later we converted to a much more freeing conservative, non-instrumental church. We met good people there. Church seemed more like a family, and it seemed I could actually meet people who were trying to make good, Christ like decisions. So, I began making my decisions based on these people.
I began to learn scripture. Certain scriptures though. It never struck me as funny that we would take scriptures out of the bible stories and memorize them, applying them to our lives, without reading the context to which they were written. For example, I memorized with my class I Corinthians 13. The famous chapter on love. I, along with 9 other 10 year olds, stood in front of our small assembly and recited, "Tho I speak with the tongues of men and of angels and have not love, I am nothing." . I never read what the chapter before this chapter is on. Do you know?
Spiritual Gifts.
We never once in the 10 years that I went to this church discussed spiritual gifts. Doesn't that sound crazy? Why were they afraid to even discuss things they didn't understand? So I learned about love, which was good. But we never did discuss that "tongues of men and of angels" part. I assumed it was something that was in bible days. That is how they explained everything they didn't understand. They would just say that only happened in bible days. What a shame. Thousands of people are out there with unopened gifts from the King.
So I began to build my house. But what foundation had I laid all of my verses on? Jesus tells us the wise man built is house on the 'rock'. What is my rock? When the storms actually do come, and I start to question everything that has ever happened to me in my life, and sorrow sets in, what is the rock that I cling to, that I stand on confidently?
Hearing the word, putting it into practice, this is the rock to which all of my foundations should sit. I have found that I MUST find scriptures to vanquish the enemies arrows and prove to me that God is with me. These scriptures don't just come out of thin air, they must be learned. They must be heard, and applied, and built upon. I need more of them. I believe the bible is the single most dangerous weapon to be used in all of history. It dissipates hate with love, heals the hurting, comforts the lonely, directs the paths of the righteous, but most importantly, it is the key that opens the door to God's breath.
Knowing this, believing it all to be true, I sit back wondering about life and stop to think, "what did I do with my bible"?
Peeling away piece by piece to get to the raw goodness of it all.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Sunday, April 23, 2006
the woman in the window
Driving past a small community in IL, I noticed a woman on the top floor of her house. She was in her upper bedroom with the window open. She sat with her arms folded on the window pane and I wondered what she was thinking.
What do people do in these small towns on lazy Sunday mornings? Maybe she was listening to the birds chirping, or feeling the wind on her skin reminding herself that she is alive. Existing. She is just existing. I wondered what I would feel if I was in a town of that size, probably 1,000 people. Would I dread life? Would I find anything exciting? Who would be my world? Most people live in the world of their children. They spend years watching them grow, being involved with their lives. From day one, they give their parents something to do. Changing diapers, feedings, this is how you walk, say, "mama", hit the ball, what a beautiful rainbow!, first day of school, classroom helper, soccer practice, dance recitals, braces, first kiss, study hard, go to the dance, growing up so fast, graduation........and on it goes forever. If it isn't your kids, then it is grandkids. I have even heard parents say, "My kids are my life". There isn't anything wrong with that, but I wonder, what if someone never had kids? Do they not have a life? I know there are many things to do besides have kids. One can better themselves with studying, community help, serving others, taking care of loved ones, travel etc. But this lady in the window, it seemed she longed for more.
I know I wont be that woman in the window. Not that I couldn't be, but that I know I wont sit still long enough to let it happen. There is always something I want to do, or someone I want to talk to. But in a way, I also envy her. She has found the gift of sitting, listening, and waiting. And it is in that place where we can find peace.
What do people do in these small towns on lazy Sunday mornings? Maybe she was listening to the birds chirping, or feeling the wind on her skin reminding herself that she is alive. Existing. She is just existing. I wondered what I would feel if I was in a town of that size, probably 1,000 people. Would I dread life? Would I find anything exciting? Who would be my world? Most people live in the world of their children. They spend years watching them grow, being involved with their lives. From day one, they give their parents something to do. Changing diapers, feedings, this is how you walk, say, "mama", hit the ball, what a beautiful rainbow!, first day of school, classroom helper, soccer practice, dance recitals, braces, first kiss, study hard, go to the dance, growing up so fast, graduation........and on it goes forever. If it isn't your kids, then it is grandkids. I have even heard parents say, "My kids are my life". There isn't anything wrong with that, but I wonder, what if someone never had kids? Do they not have a life? I know there are many things to do besides have kids. One can better themselves with studying, community help, serving others, taking care of loved ones, travel etc. But this lady in the window, it seemed she longed for more.
I know I wont be that woman in the window. Not that I couldn't be, but that I know I wont sit still long enough to let it happen. There is always something I want to do, or someone I want to talk to. But in a way, I also envy her. She has found the gift of sitting, listening, and waiting. And it is in that place where we can find peace.
Monday, April 17, 2006
this grassy ark
It has been a good, but long weekend. And many things have happened that have caused me to think.
Someone mentioned to me the other day that it seemed Drew & I don't like being Christians because we are always talking bad about the church. Even to write that makes me cry. I would never want to come across as a Church hater, or a Christian hater, but I guess that is the air we put off. Jesus loved the church so much, and so do I. But as I was kid proffing my house this weekend, putting away all inappropriate materials, or any that would cause conversations I don't feel like having, I wondered, "who the heck am I?"
We watched a show one time about this guy who wasn't a Christian, but wanted to understand the culture so he set out to live like one. He made rules for himself, only shopping at the Christian Family Bookstore, only going to Christian sites for any info (news, entertainment etc), only renting Christian movies and even eating 'Christian' foods. He made his family do it too, which they hated. At the end, he talked about how Christians who put themselves on this 'ark' are missing it. We even do a skit (inspired by this documentary) about living on the ark. "If the world can't touch you, you can't touch the world" But where is the balance?
My brother went to school at CMU. He had one Christian friend, but got along better with other guys who weren't 'Christians', but great guys. So now, he has a different way of seeing things than I do. Mostly because I went to a Christian College where wordly influences were not as visable. He lives a bit differently than I do, but he also wishes he had a community like me. It is hard for him to find good friends, and as he walks through life, it is hard for him to find a church that he would like to go to.
After our parents died, Kelly and I kept going to the same church where we grew up, super conservative. I stopped going eventually (mostly because I moved) and he told me about one Sunday when he brought a friend. The church didn't have any elders, or even a preacher at this time. (They haven't had elders in almost 20 years...yes, i know) The person that was chosen to speak for the day (the men would take turns) decided to get the phone book and go through it naming all of the other churches that were NOT going to Heaven. My brothers friend was a member of one of those churches. A bit uncomfortable. Needless to say, he stopped going, and hasn't been back to a church yet. I mean, he has visited, but nothing membershipy.
I could post all day about those I love who have gotten burned by the church, and the reasons they did, but then what? As a Jesus lover, where does that leave me to bitch about the church constantly? We didn't go to church on Sunday because it was going to be cheesy. My sister didn't want to go, and either did Drew. But when it came down to telling the boys why we were deciding not to go, what were we to tell them? It is too cheesy? The drama sucks? The music is stupid? They aren't creative enough? They are too big? They are too little? I could think of excused all day as to why to stay off the Christian Bookstore Ark, but as I asked Drew last night, where do I stand?
I don't feel like living in the ark is right. Surrounding myself only with Christian things isn't what Jesus intended. I read a website the other day from a couple who had posted thier family creed. It said, "We will only surround ourselves with good Christian friends.". It made me mad. I thought, are people who are not Christians bad people? It is like those on the ark believe those who are not are like poison or something. My mentor told me I would change my mind when I have kids. Maybe that is true, but I just can't close my heart off to good people. Nor do I feel like I should. Jesus was ALWAYS with the sinners. They walked with him. But as Jay Baker said, "We teach our kids, 'Be like Jesus and stay away from those sinners'" Yeah right.
So where is the middle ground and how do I get there? I don't want to be on the ark, yet I am not off of it either. I am standing on the ramp wondering where the rest of the world is, feeling ashamed that I am not on one side or the other. But I don't think I should be feeling ashamed. I just want to live in a world where people love each other, and don't judge. Where they aren't selfishly talking about themselves, their wants, their likes etc. all the time. It is like it is impossible. Can't we just love one another where we are? Even if that means that you are on the ark, I am on the ramp, and someone else is on the grass?
"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing."
Someone mentioned to me the other day that it seemed Drew & I don't like being Christians because we are always talking bad about the church. Even to write that makes me cry. I would never want to come across as a Church hater, or a Christian hater, but I guess that is the air we put off. Jesus loved the church so much, and so do I. But as I was kid proffing my house this weekend, putting away all inappropriate materials, or any that would cause conversations I don't feel like having, I wondered, "who the heck am I?"
We watched a show one time about this guy who wasn't a Christian, but wanted to understand the culture so he set out to live like one. He made rules for himself, only shopping at the Christian Family Bookstore, only going to Christian sites for any info (news, entertainment etc), only renting Christian movies and even eating 'Christian' foods. He made his family do it too, which they hated. At the end, he talked about how Christians who put themselves on this 'ark' are missing it. We even do a skit (inspired by this documentary) about living on the ark. "If the world can't touch you, you can't touch the world" But where is the balance?
My brother went to school at CMU. He had one Christian friend, but got along better with other guys who weren't 'Christians', but great guys. So now, he has a different way of seeing things than I do. Mostly because I went to a Christian College where wordly influences were not as visable. He lives a bit differently than I do, but he also wishes he had a community like me. It is hard for him to find good friends, and as he walks through life, it is hard for him to find a church that he would like to go to.
After our parents died, Kelly and I kept going to the same church where we grew up, super conservative. I stopped going eventually (mostly because I moved) and he told me about one Sunday when he brought a friend. The church didn't have any elders, or even a preacher at this time. (They haven't had elders in almost 20 years...yes, i know) The person that was chosen to speak for the day (the men would take turns) decided to get the phone book and go through it naming all of the other churches that were NOT going to Heaven. My brothers friend was a member of one of those churches. A bit uncomfortable. Needless to say, he stopped going, and hasn't been back to a church yet. I mean, he has visited, but nothing membershipy.
I could post all day about those I love who have gotten burned by the church, and the reasons they did, but then what? As a Jesus lover, where does that leave me to bitch about the church constantly? We didn't go to church on Sunday because it was going to be cheesy. My sister didn't want to go, and either did Drew. But when it came down to telling the boys why we were deciding not to go, what were we to tell them? It is too cheesy? The drama sucks? The music is stupid? They aren't creative enough? They are too big? They are too little? I could think of excused all day as to why to stay off the Christian Bookstore Ark, but as I asked Drew last night, where do I stand?
I don't feel like living in the ark is right. Surrounding myself only with Christian things isn't what Jesus intended. I read a website the other day from a couple who had posted thier family creed. It said, "We will only surround ourselves with good Christian friends.". It made me mad. I thought, are people who are not Christians bad people? It is like those on the ark believe those who are not are like poison or something. My mentor told me I would change my mind when I have kids. Maybe that is true, but I just can't close my heart off to good people. Nor do I feel like I should. Jesus was ALWAYS with the sinners. They walked with him. But as Jay Baker said, "We teach our kids, 'Be like Jesus and stay away from those sinners'" Yeah right.
So where is the middle ground and how do I get there? I don't want to be on the ark, yet I am not off of it either. I am standing on the ramp wondering where the rest of the world is, feeling ashamed that I am not on one side or the other. But I don't think I should be feeling ashamed. I just want to live in a world where people love each other, and don't judge. Where they aren't selfishly talking about themselves, their wants, their likes etc. all the time. It is like it is impossible. Can't we just love one another where we are? Even if that means that you are on the ark, I am on the ramp, and someone else is on the grass?
"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing."
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Johanna B
I am sitting here (as my usual blog time, sunday driving home from a show) and watching Johanna sit in the shadows and work on her computer at the table and I am reminded of how blessed we are. I don't usually single people out to blog about, especially knowing all of you (and her) read this, BUT i just feel the need to express.
Something looks different. As i look at her, I see, a woman. An independent woman sits with confidence and gesture. She is beginning to understand who she is and why she is, and in that reflection shows me who I am. I see provision on her as she sits and types. Often I find her sitting curled up just looking at the world passing us by. As the rest of us pull the blinders down not to notice. beauty missed. We don't have time to enjoy sunsets and passing travelers. But not Johanna, she SEEs life out of eyes filled with beauty. She is hard on herself, but that is because her heart longs to be closer to Him. He has called her to such greatness, to which she has overly proven that seat. He smiles. and watches her dance. for Him.
Her stage presence was different this weekend. She walked with firm feet. She stood tall like the trees of Lebanon. She smiled. And was a bit feisty. Which i liked.
I said the other day that i wanted Hanna's laugh as my "you've got mail" sound. I told Drew that no matter what kind of mood i am in, her laugh WILL make me smile. i think he is now trying to figure out how to make this recording happen ;).
I think beauty is rare in a way. I mean, it IS all around us, lying unnoticed. but when beauty is discovered by beauty....i think this would happen more often if I would remember to keep the shades up.
so....just know Johanna, we are so blessed to have you with us.
I am blessed to jump in the ocean with you
and take walks & talks.
I am blessed to eat with you
and hear your laugh.
I am blessed by your sweet beckoning spirit that reminds me to look deep & keep learning.
I am blessed to watch you love on others,
and be loved.
I am blessed to call you friend.
Hanging with you is like eating superman ice cream with bubble gum pieces.
<3 kat
Something looks different. As i look at her, I see, a woman. An independent woman sits with confidence and gesture. She is beginning to understand who she is and why she is, and in that reflection shows me who I am. I see provision on her as she sits and types. Often I find her sitting curled up just looking at the world passing us by. As the rest of us pull the blinders down not to notice. beauty missed. We don't have time to enjoy sunsets and passing travelers. But not Johanna, she SEEs life out of eyes filled with beauty. She is hard on herself, but that is because her heart longs to be closer to Him. He has called her to such greatness, to which she has overly proven that seat. He smiles. and watches her dance. for Him.
Her stage presence was different this weekend. She walked with firm feet. She stood tall like the trees of Lebanon. She smiled. And was a bit feisty. Which i liked.
I said the other day that i wanted Hanna's laugh as my "you've got mail" sound. I told Drew that no matter what kind of mood i am in, her laugh WILL make me smile. i think he is now trying to figure out how to make this recording happen ;).
I think beauty is rare in a way. I mean, it IS all around us, lying unnoticed. but when beauty is discovered by beauty....i think this would happen more often if I would remember to keep the shades up.
so....just know Johanna, we are so blessed to have you with us.
I am blessed to jump in the ocean with you
and take walks & talks.
I am blessed to eat with you
and hear your laugh.
I am blessed by your sweet beckoning spirit that reminds me to look deep & keep learning.
I am blessed to watch you love on others,
and be loved.
I am blessed to call you friend.
Hanging with you is like eating superman ice cream with bubble gum pieces.
<3 kat
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
F Words
i Found myself waking this morning to the need to start the day. i picked up my phone to look at the time and it Fell out of my hands and onto the Floor.
i sighed as my insides told me, today is going to be an F day.
pulling myself out of bed, i moved Forward and downward to pour myself some juice. after which i decided to make a latte. my brother was up...he always makes me laugh. i poured the milk, it was sour. using another gallon i started to steam. half way through it stopped steaming. mid steam. there is nothing worse on a cold morning than luke warm coffee.
F day.
my starbucks brother told me to clean the wand, it had lime i guess, so i Followed instructions and went Forth. an hour later i was sipping a hot latte. i decided to Finish the First project i had to do today. i am sending out shower invites For my sister-in-law, aiko.
i sat to check my email, surf For a Few items on the web to help me with some things and i notice my mail isn't sending. no internet. not sure why. i guess it just decided to not work. so i moved on. what else can you do? the printer.
two hours later i decided i wasn't smarter than the printer, it had won, and i made the call. my personal computer guy isn't like most, he is one of my best Friends, and i am thankful, and grateful, and blessed by him. he Fixed my printer problem in 15 minutes.
with everything printed i started to put it all together, that is when i got up to pee and noticed i had stepped in ajax poop. typically this isn't bad, his poops are hard and small like a ball, but we have been Feeding him greens and i guess they went through him because it was soft, and squishy on the Floor. but i didn't notice until i was out of the bathroom Finding poop on the carpet, wall, and on my shoe. (don't ask how it got on the wall...still not sure)
it was almost Five and i was supposed to go to church with a Friend. i wanted to go, but i had set a few realistic goals (realistic before all the problems) to get done before i left, all of which i could not do (see above). i really didn't have time to go, but i Felt i should, so i wasn't sure what to do. seeing me struggle, kelly and drew told me to not go. so i called my Friend whom i never see and told her i wasn't going to make it. i started to explain, and my call was dropped.
F day.
i threw my phone (very mature i know) and stormed upstairs, slamming my door and collapsing on my bed in tears. i hid under the covers begging the Lord to end the world. nothing. so i got up, told drew i was leaving and took the car. i drove to my Friends church and circled the parking lot until i decided to just go in. i felt 'led'.
she was surprised and that was nice. we settled in to the bible study only to find out the topic was on.....money.
F day.
seriously, did i really need a lesson on right spending when i have been trying to Figure out how i am going to pay my dental bill? the Lord had just provided For me the night before, covering my First appointment, so i thought, i might as well stay. i had to anyway, i didn't want to let down my Friend, and i drove all that way.
the lesson was Fine. the typical things, don't have a credit card, don't be rich, share your money, you are more rich than most in the world, etc etc. then their was worship. there was a moment...breath.
i prayed For Jesus to come back, to which he Failed to do. and so i decided that two hours were enough to let drew worry about me. i asked my Friend to call drew (i left without my phone) to let him know i was stopping for gas and then i would be home. i left.
i decided to take the back roads. i made it to michigan ave. then it went into gear, then out, stuck clutch, pulled over. Deep breaths. the clutch was stuck. it was stuck to the Floor.
F day.
i tried to put the emergency Flashers on. they were broke.
F day! F day!
cars going around me, i put my turn signal on and turned off the car. turn signal off. ok, so i guess the car has to be on for the turn signal to work. so i turn the car back on and walk to the gas station next to where i was parked. i was sure it was closed but it was open. this wasn't the best corner for me to break down on. lots of truckers, scary people. i had no phone.
F day. F day. F day.
i went in and asked the man to use the phone, he pointed to the pay phone.
So...i walked to the pay phone, dead.
i went in and asked the man who could speak no english if i could use the phone. he pointed to another phone, i started walking and praying drew would answer. his number is the only one i have memorized. i felt stupid.
i saw it was only 5o cents to call, so i Found the change and made the call. one ring.....two rings...."hello...wait hold on a second, someone wants to tell you something". if you have called drew, you know what i am talking about. i, through tears, left a message. it was the only number i knew. 203..that is kelly, i think there are more numbers though. 615-517...that one is zito, missing a Few digits. Ryan, 734-516...i think there is a 9 in the next part. why can't i remember phone numbers???? 419..that is kari. 616-669-7662 that one is lou, drew's mom. but she just tried to get new service, so thier phone number that they have had For 20 years is on hold, not working. 989-828-6918. i think that might be my uncle gordon's number..but not For sure. it is something like that though. but truthfully, what is he going to do, he is in shepherd.
F day.
i walked back into the gas station to have another man ask me if i needed help, to which i responded, "no thanks, my husband is coming" ...at least, i hoped he was.
in reality, i only waited For maybe 10 min. but it was long enough For me to beat myself up about all the things that happened to me through out the day. i held in my tears, and in walked drew. i am not sure how long i stood there sobbing, but i have never been so glad to see him. i was helpless.
cops came, kelly and drew pushed the car into a lot and drew is now calling a tow truck and Finding a place to take the car.
i love the boys in my life. they all take care of me in so many ways. i really am the luckiest of women. but please Lord, please let this F day end.
F can stand For so many things. today it was Frustration. although i must admit i thought a Few other F words today too. but when i am in bed tonight, i am going to pray Faithfulness...Faithfulness...Faithfulness.
i sighed as my insides told me, today is going to be an F day.
pulling myself out of bed, i moved Forward and downward to pour myself some juice. after which i decided to make a latte. my brother was up...he always makes me laugh. i poured the milk, it was sour. using another gallon i started to steam. half way through it stopped steaming. mid steam. there is nothing worse on a cold morning than luke warm coffee.
F day.
my starbucks brother told me to clean the wand, it had lime i guess, so i Followed instructions and went Forth. an hour later i was sipping a hot latte. i decided to Finish the First project i had to do today. i am sending out shower invites For my sister-in-law, aiko.
i sat to check my email, surf For a Few items on the web to help me with some things and i notice my mail isn't sending. no internet. not sure why. i guess it just decided to not work. so i moved on. what else can you do? the printer.
two hours later i decided i wasn't smarter than the printer, it had won, and i made the call. my personal computer guy isn't like most, he is one of my best Friends, and i am thankful, and grateful, and blessed by him. he Fixed my printer problem in 15 minutes.
with everything printed i started to put it all together, that is when i got up to pee and noticed i had stepped in ajax poop. typically this isn't bad, his poops are hard and small like a ball, but we have been Feeding him greens and i guess they went through him because it was soft, and squishy on the Floor. but i didn't notice until i was out of the bathroom Finding poop on the carpet, wall, and on my shoe. (don't ask how it got on the wall...still not sure)
it was almost Five and i was supposed to go to church with a Friend. i wanted to go, but i had set a few realistic goals (realistic before all the problems) to get done before i left, all of which i could not do (see above). i really didn't have time to go, but i Felt i should, so i wasn't sure what to do. seeing me struggle, kelly and drew told me to not go. so i called my Friend whom i never see and told her i wasn't going to make it. i started to explain, and my call was dropped.
F day.
i threw my phone (very mature i know) and stormed upstairs, slamming my door and collapsing on my bed in tears. i hid under the covers begging the Lord to end the world. nothing. so i got up, told drew i was leaving and took the car. i drove to my Friends church and circled the parking lot until i decided to just go in. i felt 'led'.
she was surprised and that was nice. we settled in to the bible study only to find out the topic was on.....money.
F day.
seriously, did i really need a lesson on right spending when i have been trying to Figure out how i am going to pay my dental bill? the Lord had just provided For me the night before, covering my First appointment, so i thought, i might as well stay. i had to anyway, i didn't want to let down my Friend, and i drove all that way.
the lesson was Fine. the typical things, don't have a credit card, don't be rich, share your money, you are more rich than most in the world, etc etc. then their was worship. there was a moment...breath.
i prayed For Jesus to come back, to which he Failed to do. and so i decided that two hours were enough to let drew worry about me. i asked my Friend to call drew (i left without my phone) to let him know i was stopping for gas and then i would be home. i left.
i decided to take the back roads. i made it to michigan ave. then it went into gear, then out, stuck clutch, pulled over. Deep breaths. the clutch was stuck. it was stuck to the Floor.
F day.
i tried to put the emergency Flashers on. they were broke.
F day! F day!
cars going around me, i put my turn signal on and turned off the car. turn signal off. ok, so i guess the car has to be on for the turn signal to work. so i turn the car back on and walk to the gas station next to where i was parked. i was sure it was closed but it was open. this wasn't the best corner for me to break down on. lots of truckers, scary people. i had no phone.
F day. F day. F day.
i went in and asked the man to use the phone, he pointed to the pay phone.
So...i walked to the pay phone, dead.
i went in and asked the man who could speak no english if i could use the phone. he pointed to another phone, i started walking and praying drew would answer. his number is the only one i have memorized. i felt stupid.
i saw it was only 5o cents to call, so i Found the change and made the call. one ring.....two rings...."hello...wait hold on a second, someone wants to tell you something". if you have called drew, you know what i am talking about. i, through tears, left a message. it was the only number i knew. 203..that is kelly, i think there are more numbers though. 615-517...that one is zito, missing a Few digits. Ryan, 734-516...i think there is a 9 in the next part. why can't i remember phone numbers???? 419..that is kari. 616-669-7662 that one is lou, drew's mom. but she just tried to get new service, so thier phone number that they have had For 20 years is on hold, not working. 989-828-6918. i think that might be my uncle gordon's number..but not For sure. it is something like that though. but truthfully, what is he going to do, he is in shepherd.
F day.
i walked back into the gas station to have another man ask me if i needed help, to which i responded, "no thanks, my husband is coming" ...at least, i hoped he was.
in reality, i only waited For maybe 10 min. but it was long enough For me to beat myself up about all the things that happened to me through out the day. i held in my tears, and in walked drew. i am not sure how long i stood there sobbing, but i have never been so glad to see him. i was helpless.
cops came, kelly and drew pushed the car into a lot and drew is now calling a tow truck and Finding a place to take the car.
i love the boys in my life. they all take care of me in so many ways. i really am the luckiest of women. but please Lord, please let this F day end.
F can stand For so many things. today it was Frustration. although i must admit i thought a Few other F words today too. but when i am in bed tonight, i am going to pray Faithfulness...Faithfulness...Faithfulness.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Hope Lifts
I love my life.
I love the road, and the smells that it brings. I sit and watch the Georgia sunset and wonder how in the world did God bring me to this place? I am so blessed. I must be among the riches of the rich, feeling the presence of the King as He gives and gives his blessings and love to me. I recognize Him in the relationships that I am privileged to partake in. The new ones, and the aged ones. Each has His image, and I see it. How did I get here? I wonder as I ride down this highway and feel the comfortable cushion underneath me. Sipping Dr. Pepper and wondering what tomorrow could possibly hold that would take my breath away more than today. I am loved. I am known. I am held. By Him, the holder of all things. There are things in my life I don't understand, and wish I had, but He hears me. This I know.
I have been thinking much on hope lately, and the danger it brings to my life. The bible tells me that Hope never disappoints. I live and breathe based on what the Word tells me. However, this one is hard to understand. If this Hope that it speaks of means in life, based on eternity, then yes, Hope Never disappoints. I know that I will find my home with Jesus, and long for the day of constant, uninterrupted commune with him and my Father. But if it means no disappointment now, I am lost.
I went to a Hallmark store when we were in MO about a month ago. I never go into that store, but I was bored and looking for a card for someone. As I was walking, I saw these little angel statues. I am sure most of you have seen them. They are wooden and show friends, or mom, dad and kids. But then I saw this one, that sort of struck me. It was a child holding a balloon. He was looking up at the balloon as if he was about to leave the earth. The balloon was made of wire and written in it was the word, "Hope".
It was entitled "Hope Lifts Us Up".
Hope lifts. It said something to me. I just stood there staring at it. And crying. I forced myself to think about the children my heart longs for. I have prayed and tried for so long to have a child of my own. And it seems that every time I see one, something in me yearns, longs, exasperates for it. Timing. I know. I have heard the sermon. Tell "wait" to my heart one more time and it will laugh. Wait is tattooed on the outside of my heart and has been there so long it feels like home. And that is where Hope knocks. He is like a kid playing a trick on my heart. You know the trick, there is a knock on the door and you go to see who it is, but when you open the door, no one is there. And when you close the door, there is another knock. I find myself playing this game with Hope month after month, year after year. And I cant help but fall for it's trickery. I MUST open the door. Every time I come to the conclusion that this time I will not answer, I see something in the window. A moment, then hidden. Brown eyes, brown hair. That smile. A child playing tricks. knocking, then running away with jumps and giggles. I must answer. I must open the door to Hope. It isn't disappointing, that is the wrong word. Hope is hidden.
I visited my sister last week. On the drive there I was thinking and praying about this Hope that bugs me so much. I was thinking of that little statue that struck my heart that day in MO. Hope lifts...Hope lifts.... I thought of calling Drew and telling him that I liked it, I knew if I told him I liked it, that he would buy it for me. He spoils me like that. But then I thought, no, I don't really need it, and I just kept driving and continued praying about the things in my life.
I had a great visit with my sister and nephews. I hadn't seen them since Christmas (way too long) and the visit was priceless to me. It was almost time for me to leave and my sister was showing me some cards she had just received in the mail from friends (she makes cards and sells them to raise money for the adoption of their little girl in China. Kariscards.org). Then she said, "Oh! I got this for you. I went into this store for no reason really, and I saw this and felt like you should have it".
He heard me. He hears me.
I am not content with living facing forward. My gaze must always be different than the most. It must look past the obvious, and into the Promise. It must look up. That is where my home is. That is where I see Hope. That is when it Lifts.
I love the road, and the smells that it brings. I sit and watch the Georgia sunset and wonder how in the world did God bring me to this place? I am so blessed. I must be among the riches of the rich, feeling the presence of the King as He gives and gives his blessings and love to me. I recognize Him in the relationships that I am privileged to partake in. The new ones, and the aged ones. Each has His image, and I see it. How did I get here? I wonder as I ride down this highway and feel the comfortable cushion underneath me. Sipping Dr. Pepper and wondering what tomorrow could possibly hold that would take my breath away more than today. I am loved. I am known. I am held. By Him, the holder of all things. There are things in my life I don't understand, and wish I had, but He hears me. This I know.
I have been thinking much on hope lately, and the danger it brings to my life. The bible tells me that Hope never disappoints. I live and breathe based on what the Word tells me. However, this one is hard to understand. If this Hope that it speaks of means in life, based on eternity, then yes, Hope Never disappoints. I know that I will find my home with Jesus, and long for the day of constant, uninterrupted commune with him and my Father. But if it means no disappointment now, I am lost.
I went to a Hallmark store when we were in MO about a month ago. I never go into that store, but I was bored and looking for a card for someone. As I was walking, I saw these little angel statues. I am sure most of you have seen them. They are wooden and show friends, or mom, dad and kids. But then I saw this one, that sort of struck me. It was a child holding a balloon. He was looking up at the balloon as if he was about to leave the earth. The balloon was made of wire and written in it was the word, "Hope".
It was entitled "Hope Lifts Us Up".
Hope lifts. It said something to me. I just stood there staring at it. And crying. I forced myself to think about the children my heart longs for. I have prayed and tried for so long to have a child of my own. And it seems that every time I see one, something in me yearns, longs, exasperates for it. Timing. I know. I have heard the sermon. Tell "wait" to my heart one more time and it will laugh. Wait is tattooed on the outside of my heart and has been there so long it feels like home. And that is where Hope knocks. He is like a kid playing a trick on my heart. You know the trick, there is a knock on the door and you go to see who it is, but when you open the door, no one is there. And when you close the door, there is another knock. I find myself playing this game with Hope month after month, year after year. And I cant help but fall for it's trickery. I MUST open the door. Every time I come to the conclusion that this time I will not answer, I see something in the window. A moment, then hidden. Brown eyes, brown hair. That smile. A child playing tricks. knocking, then running away with jumps and giggles. I must answer. I must open the door to Hope. It isn't disappointing, that is the wrong word. Hope is hidden.
I visited my sister last week. On the drive there I was thinking and praying about this Hope that bugs me so much. I was thinking of that little statue that struck my heart that day in MO. Hope lifts...Hope lifts.... I thought of calling Drew and telling him that I liked it, I knew if I told him I liked it, that he would buy it for me. He spoils me like that. But then I thought, no, I don't really need it, and I just kept driving and continued praying about the things in my life.
I had a great visit with my sister and nephews. I hadn't seen them since Christmas (way too long) and the visit was priceless to me. It was almost time for me to leave and my sister was showing me some cards she had just received in the mail from friends (she makes cards and sells them to raise money for the adoption of their little girl in China. Kariscards.org). Then she said, "Oh! I got this for you. I went into this store for no reason really, and I saw this and felt like you should have it".
He heard me. He hears me.
I am not content with living facing forward. My gaze must always be different than the most. It must look past the obvious, and into the Promise. It must look up. That is where my home is. That is where I see Hope. That is when it Lifts.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Hope falls from the sky
There are days when i listen to my friends who write music and i get so jealous of them. I wish i could articulate the feelings of my heart in music. There are moments i am given tunes to carry with me, but the words come from a different place. they flow freely and I can't wrap them into a verse or chorus.
I listen to all of my favorite groups, and wonder how they can all write so well, yet give the same message. I mean, it is all about life, and no one has life figured out yet, or ever. We stumble, we sink, we are rude, or even mean. But we live. And all of my friends that are on a quest to the REAL Jesus are just trying to do their best. I guess sometimes i just wish i didn't know i had a choice. I wish i had to believe what my parents taught me, or what i learned in Sunday school. But even then, those things are so skewed. I memorized I Corinthians 13 when I was in 8th grade. We all took a verse or two and recited it for the whole congregation. They were just words, like the Pledge of Allegiance, said without meaning, without conviction. The passion comes in understanding.
I feel the world is getting confused. I hate looking through magazines anymore, everyone wanting something, everyone has a statement. Rob Bell speaks the words of GOD. ... Maybe he does.
But my heart begins to think that Jesus is becoming, hidden. He isn't out there anymore. He isn't understood. You just can't put him in a box anymore, or qualify him as this way or that. Now, all of a sudden, you have to KNOW him. But can Jesus be everything to everyone? Can he be the man who blesses the rich and sleeps with the poor? Can he be solemn and a rebel? Traditional and Contemporary? Isn't he the same guy as yesterday, today, and forever? Then who is he? Is he just who i make him to be? Is he just who i want him to be?
I realize I am only 33. I know i will never have the answers to the questions of life. But i long to know this Saviour of mine. There are times where i do feel i have met him. He has touched me, my face, my cheek. He has danced with me in sorrow, literally. He has given me the pearl ring to wear, as his. I have encountered a Jesus. my Jesus. He loves. He directs. He waits. He laughs. He longs. He sits in the rain under a tree with me, getting dirty, being washed clean. and in the morning, we walk. again.
I don't see this man very often. Not for lack of trying, but the world gets in my way. decisions (some I make monsters out of), are to be made.
My vision has not left me. I still see times past. I can not see into the future, i don't know what it looks like, or how it will feel. I think it will hurt. i think it will love. sometimes it makes me tired. sometimes it makes me cry. and then hope falls from the sky reminding me that he is coming. that he is here even now. I smile knowing that he is here, somewhere. even with me.
I listen to all of my favorite groups, and wonder how they can all write so well, yet give the same message. I mean, it is all about life, and no one has life figured out yet, or ever. We stumble, we sink, we are rude, or even mean. But we live. And all of my friends that are on a quest to the REAL Jesus are just trying to do their best. I guess sometimes i just wish i didn't know i had a choice. I wish i had to believe what my parents taught me, or what i learned in Sunday school. But even then, those things are so skewed. I memorized I Corinthians 13 when I was in 8th grade. We all took a verse or two and recited it for the whole congregation. They were just words, like the Pledge of Allegiance, said without meaning, without conviction. The passion comes in understanding.
I feel the world is getting confused. I hate looking through magazines anymore, everyone wanting something, everyone has a statement. Rob Bell speaks the words of GOD. ... Maybe he does.
But my heart begins to think that Jesus is becoming, hidden. He isn't out there anymore. He isn't understood. You just can't put him in a box anymore, or qualify him as this way or that. Now, all of a sudden, you have to KNOW him. But can Jesus be everything to everyone? Can he be the man who blesses the rich and sleeps with the poor? Can he be solemn and a rebel? Traditional and Contemporary? Isn't he the same guy as yesterday, today, and forever? Then who is he? Is he just who i make him to be? Is he just who i want him to be?
I realize I am only 33. I know i will never have the answers to the questions of life. But i long to know this Saviour of mine. There are times where i do feel i have met him. He has touched me, my face, my cheek. He has danced with me in sorrow, literally. He has given me the pearl ring to wear, as his. I have encountered a Jesus. my Jesus. He loves. He directs. He waits. He laughs. He longs. He sits in the rain under a tree with me, getting dirty, being washed clean. and in the morning, we walk. again.
I don't see this man very often. Not for lack of trying, but the world gets in my way. decisions (some I make monsters out of), are to be made.
My vision has not left me. I still see times past. I can not see into the future, i don't know what it looks like, or how it will feel. I think it will hurt. i think it will love. sometimes it makes me tired. sometimes it makes me cry. and then hope falls from the sky reminding me that he is coming. that he is here even now. I smile knowing that he is here, somewhere. even with me.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Catching up
Here I am sitting on my couch and drinking a cup of beautiful french pressed coffee made by my one and only drew. The week has flown by once again, even though we are at the hump, but i feel pretty organized about what I am to do. I have been trying to get organized so I know what i need to do, and when i need to do it. I have been busy doing everything from dishes to cooking, to meetings, to a bit of the tv watching. We have "cable" now, which basically means we don't have to squint to watch LOST now. (which tonight, it was AWESOME!) So, that is the update.
God is doing lots of things in my life. too many to sort out right now while i watch the last episode of Sex In The City. Somehow that show just hooked me. It is the thought of having close friends like the girls on that show. I am beginning to understand that not many people are blessed to have even one good friend, and i have so many. Most of you who read this blog are my closest of the close. It is amazing how blessed i have been. I think sometimes about the things i wish i had, but then, compared to the closeness in spirit I have been given, I remember, I am blessed.
I am loved, and there is no greater thing.
God is doing lots of things in my life. too many to sort out right now while i watch the last episode of Sex In The City. Somehow that show just hooked me. It is the thought of having close friends like the girls on that show. I am beginning to understand that not many people are blessed to have even one good friend, and i have so many. Most of you who read this blog are my closest of the close. It is amazing how blessed i have been. I think sometimes about the things i wish i had, but then, compared to the closeness in spirit I have been given, I remember, I am blessed.
I am loved, and there is no greater thing.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Thursday, February 09, 2006
10 days
There are times in life when you look back on 10 days and wonder how I could have been so blind. Yet, i guess i couldn't have known what God was going to do. But maybe I should have trusted Him a bit more.
I wasn't looking forward to the things that were going to happen on this past trip of 10 days. I remember having a horrible attitude, yet feeling happy to be on the road. Some days, while i am in the midst of my selfishness, i long to just keep traveling with out stops. Feeling comfortable in my sheltered home. But from the first stop, setting up our sound at Byron's church, things started to seem..different.
We stayed with people this past week, who were so giving. they not only let us stay in their home, but gave us a vehicle to use the entire week, let us hook our bus up to their house, fed us everyday, gave us stuff, and just blessed us with conversations over hot tubs and guitars. It was just a blessing, and I found myself still with a bad attitude, but feeling grateful in the midst of it.
I must say, i wasn't looking forward to the CIY meetings, the OTB meetings, or the Birthright project that we were to perform on Friday. There were lots of people to talk to, and much to achomplish, and i just felt tired. You know, that tiredness you get when your spirit just feels spiteful. But every place God took me, he would bless me over and over. We received a donation this past week. $5000. We needed money to pay our health insurance and it couldn't have come at a better time. We are still without pay however, but i know God will provide. He is so good to us.
CIY was great to us too. They were really coming to us wanting a fresh look at things. I found that something i couldn't be mad at. It's not that i don't like CIY, but I just felt crappy about the whole thing. can't really say why. It felt strange being there, but they blessed us. And i felt stupid when i left, trying to weigh through my personal feelings and bad mood, and what God actually wanted me to take away from that.
The rest of the week was the same way. God sending words, time, and people to bless me. It was amazing to watch Him bless me dispite my attitude. Then there was Birthright. Drew was so in tune during the rehearsals. He was in his element for sure. He directed and worked on the flats, and was a key person in the rehearsals and how it tycnically went together. even though i didn't see him much, it was great to watch him enjoying his work. It reminded me of how we each have our own place. like i loved writing Birthright. I don't mind performing it, but directing? not my thing really. But drew not only was good at it, he LOVED it. He loved having a goal and reaching that goal.
Once Birthright started, I could feel God's presence there, and I was thankful. The program went great. there were a few glitches, but over all, it was so Spirit filled. During each piece I looked out across the audience to watch people respond with laughter, agreement, and tears. When we started communion, almost every person who was in my line was crying. It was so touching. I didn't realize what this program would do to people. But it moved them. In deep ways. One woman told me afterwards she had never worshipped that way before. another told me she knew God wanted her to come to this conference for something, and she had the most intimate moment with Him that she had ever had. Birthright. I would have never guessed it. But i had the priviledge to watch God reveal my vision for Birthright. Many things happened the exact way I had envisioned them when we wrote Birthright. I woke up Saturday morning knowing my drama conference experience wasn't over yet, just feeling thankful. I cried as i opened my eyes to a new morning of realization that God had been blessing me for the past 7 days. He loves me. and even in the midst of my ornery attitude, He blesses. Just like the Isrealites. I constantly find myself relating to them. I hate that, but it is true.
the blessings weren't over though, we were previledged to perform drama during the conference and everyone seemed to love our new way of performing. Most of the drama's at the conference are what you would normally see during a church service. They were a bit churchy. Not that it is bad, but it is just different from what we do. It just felt good to be accepted.
We left there and headed to Carthage MO where we set up (late) and spent the night in the bus. We were all really tired, but got up the next day to perform at the Sunday morning service. We had to teach a class though and we weren't really sure what to do. But it all worked out well, as it always does and the congregation loved our drama's. it was a crazy show because most of the audience were older people. uh..i think drew calls them geriatrics. But they were great and even loved our drums. :)
at any rate, i didn't really mean for this entry to be a play by play of my ten days, but rather a glimps of how God worked despite my humanness.
We are on our way home now. It was laura's last trip which i have been avoiding the thought of not having her. She will be missed. And i fear not having her around. things will seem empty, but God will fill the voids. It has been a great 10 days. and I pray the next 10 (dispite my not wanting to be at home) are filled with even more blessings from the Lord.
I wasn't looking forward to the things that were going to happen on this past trip of 10 days. I remember having a horrible attitude, yet feeling happy to be on the road. Some days, while i am in the midst of my selfishness, i long to just keep traveling with out stops. Feeling comfortable in my sheltered home. But from the first stop, setting up our sound at Byron's church, things started to seem..different.
We stayed with people this past week, who were so giving. they not only let us stay in their home, but gave us a vehicle to use the entire week, let us hook our bus up to their house, fed us everyday, gave us stuff, and just blessed us with conversations over hot tubs and guitars. It was just a blessing, and I found myself still with a bad attitude, but feeling grateful in the midst of it.
I must say, i wasn't looking forward to the CIY meetings, the OTB meetings, or the Birthright project that we were to perform on Friday. There were lots of people to talk to, and much to achomplish, and i just felt tired. You know, that tiredness you get when your spirit just feels spiteful. But every place God took me, he would bless me over and over. We received a donation this past week. $5000. We needed money to pay our health insurance and it couldn't have come at a better time. We are still without pay however, but i know God will provide. He is so good to us.
CIY was great to us too. They were really coming to us wanting a fresh look at things. I found that something i couldn't be mad at. It's not that i don't like CIY, but I just felt crappy about the whole thing. can't really say why. It felt strange being there, but they blessed us. And i felt stupid when i left, trying to weigh through my personal feelings and bad mood, and what God actually wanted me to take away from that.
The rest of the week was the same way. God sending words, time, and people to bless me. It was amazing to watch Him bless me dispite my attitude. Then there was Birthright. Drew was so in tune during the rehearsals. He was in his element for sure. He directed and worked on the flats, and was a key person in the rehearsals and how it tycnically went together. even though i didn't see him much, it was great to watch him enjoying his work. It reminded me of how we each have our own place. like i loved writing Birthright. I don't mind performing it, but directing? not my thing really. But drew not only was good at it, he LOVED it. He loved having a goal and reaching that goal.
Once Birthright started, I could feel God's presence there, and I was thankful. The program went great. there were a few glitches, but over all, it was so Spirit filled. During each piece I looked out across the audience to watch people respond with laughter, agreement, and tears. When we started communion, almost every person who was in my line was crying. It was so touching. I didn't realize what this program would do to people. But it moved them. In deep ways. One woman told me afterwards she had never worshipped that way before. another told me she knew God wanted her to come to this conference for something, and she had the most intimate moment with Him that she had ever had. Birthright. I would have never guessed it. But i had the priviledge to watch God reveal my vision for Birthright. Many things happened the exact way I had envisioned them when we wrote Birthright. I woke up Saturday morning knowing my drama conference experience wasn't over yet, just feeling thankful. I cried as i opened my eyes to a new morning of realization that God had been blessing me for the past 7 days. He loves me. and even in the midst of my ornery attitude, He blesses. Just like the Isrealites. I constantly find myself relating to them. I hate that, but it is true.
the blessings weren't over though, we were previledged to perform drama during the conference and everyone seemed to love our new way of performing. Most of the drama's at the conference are what you would normally see during a church service. They were a bit churchy. Not that it is bad, but it is just different from what we do. It just felt good to be accepted.
We left there and headed to Carthage MO where we set up (late) and spent the night in the bus. We were all really tired, but got up the next day to perform at the Sunday morning service. We had to teach a class though and we weren't really sure what to do. But it all worked out well, as it always does and the congregation loved our drama's. it was a crazy show because most of the audience were older people. uh..i think drew calls them geriatrics. But they were great and even loved our drums. :)
at any rate, i didn't really mean for this entry to be a play by play of my ten days, but rather a glimps of how God worked despite my humanness.
We are on our way home now. It was laura's last trip which i have been avoiding the thought of not having her. She will be missed. And i fear not having her around. things will seem empty, but God will fill the voids. It has been a great 10 days. and I pray the next 10 (dispite my not wanting to be at home) are filled with even more blessings from the Lord.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Two Roads
There are two roads from which i get to choose to go down. one to the right, and one to the left. I believe each will get me to my destination, they look a lot alike really, trees, green, the paths are similar. does it matter which one i take? they both seem to be bending the same, but i am not sure which one to go pick.
On this hike, we looked for a min, and started walking in one direction. I think it was the rigth, or was it the left? It didn't matter because eventually they came together. But that initial step, that choice, i just made it with no fear. I just realized if it sent me a wrong way, i could turn around and take the other road. it would be more work, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.
choices. Sometimes we put so much weight on which way to go, that we never move. We remain and there we die. or at least grow tired. I have watched many of my friends burrow into that place of non-decision. Over where to work, where to live, what car to buy. Months, even years pass without a decision being made.
It is a risk to choose one over the other because we have no idea where it leads. Or what is waiting for us on the other side. But one thing is for sure, it can't be any worse then just standing here wondering which way is best. I guess i just want peace about my decisions in life. i don't want to walk in the way of confusion or wonder. God brings peace. He offers it, gives it. May He bless my choice no matter which way i choose to go.
And maybe I am to choose one path for now, and later be moved to another. Maybe what i am feeling is a journey of places. In that one place doesn't feel any more right than the other. They both feel equally strange. Maybe we are to go to the right, but to later meet up with the left. So knowing that, in my spirit, I feel a bit more settled. Transitions. They are temporary. If we don't like a place, we move again. Maybe we need to just move and then we will understand more of where we are supposed to be? If we take the initial step, the doors might open, and leading will come forth.
I guess moving towards one path doesn't mean that is the last path. Maybe it just means I am moving again. Someone just told me,"any movement is forward movement.". Maybe that is the case.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
ah the russians..
"..and that is how we solved Russian Communism."
i wake up to my radio alarm. It was on npr this morning and this is what i heard before pushing the button, smiling and drifting back to sleep for 10 more winks. someone else is at work on that communism issue...i knew it was going to be a good day.
i wake up to my radio alarm. It was on npr this morning and this is what i heard before pushing the button, smiling and drifting back to sleep for 10 more winks. someone else is at work on that communism issue...i knew it was going to be a good day.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
my stick shift
I have recently learned (again) how to drive a stick shift. My husband and I were blessed to be given a 2001 Subaru. It is in great shape, and we were so excited about getting it. It came in perfect time as our other two vehicles were dying. My husband told me all of the fancy features from a cd player to butt warmers. I was so excited to start driving this blessing. It is the first nice car we will own. I pictured myself driving to our local Target in style, with my warm bottom cheeks. And then he told me the bad news, it is a stick shift. This is the worst news ever. Rust I could handle, no radio would be hard, but I would deal with that, but a stick shift! My spirits and dreams started to sink down. My trips to Target were now filled with my husband in the drivers seat. This isn't bad, but now I am on his schedule, and alone time will be harder. I had a decision to make, spend every day, all day at home, or learn to drive the trecherous stick shift.
We were meeting friends and my husband was riding with others, the only way I could get to the restaurant was if I drove our car. I looked at it in the parking lot mocking me. I wondered what the car would look like after it's first trip with me. And then I wondered what the other car would look like, you know, the one I will hit. But I pulled myself out of these thoughts and I decided it was time, and got in to start it. Much to my suprise, it started the first time! Now reverse, then first gear..stop sign...first gear...stop sign..speed bump (took that a bit to fast!) and out of the drive way! I was so excited to be on the road without any stallings. First gear, second gear, fifth gear, uh, wait, what's that noise?! I went from second gear to fifth and somehow stalled the car. I pulled over on the side of the road, cars racing by, my adrenaline pumping and my nerves out of control. "I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS!" I yelled through my tears and fear. I stared the car up again, and drove it to my destination. I made it fine. It was rush hour, and i was very nervous. When i got out of the car, I hoped I never had to drive it again.
But i knew if I ever wanted to go anywhere, I would have to get in that seat once more. The next time I did, was the week before Christmas. Traffic was super bad, and I stalled it a million times. I cried. I stopped, took a breather, ate some chicken wings, and got back in the drivers seat. The thing is, I had no choice. I had to get back in if I wanted to get home. My life is much like this 2001 Subaru.
Everyday I wake up wondering how I am going to make it one more day. I look at the big picture of the ministry I am in, and my bills piling up, and my friendships and family, and I wonder how it is going to work out. How is it going to be ok? I suddenly get that feeling in my stomach. The one that is much like butterflies, but evil ones. It hurts and eventually eats away at the lining in your stomach. I stop, cry and take a breather. "One day at a time, one hour, one minute", is the phrase I tell myself. That is how I live. That is how I get rid of those evil butterflies in my stomach. Trusting that God will kill every one of them with His promise to take care of me. And I DO love Him, but it is in all of this jerking and gear shifting and even stalling that I get confused and want to stop driving all together. But I can't really. Because I have to keep going, if I want to get home.
We were meeting friends and my husband was riding with others, the only way I could get to the restaurant was if I drove our car. I looked at it in the parking lot mocking me. I wondered what the car would look like after it's first trip with me. And then I wondered what the other car would look like, you know, the one I will hit. But I pulled myself out of these thoughts and I decided it was time, and got in to start it. Much to my suprise, it started the first time! Now reverse, then first gear..stop sign...first gear...stop sign..speed bump (took that a bit to fast!) and out of the drive way! I was so excited to be on the road without any stallings. First gear, second gear, fifth gear, uh, wait, what's that noise?! I went from second gear to fifth and somehow stalled the car. I pulled over on the side of the road, cars racing by, my adrenaline pumping and my nerves out of control. "I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS!" I yelled through my tears and fear. I stared the car up again, and drove it to my destination. I made it fine. It was rush hour, and i was very nervous. When i got out of the car, I hoped I never had to drive it again.
But i knew if I ever wanted to go anywhere, I would have to get in that seat once more. The next time I did, was the week before Christmas. Traffic was super bad, and I stalled it a million times. I cried. I stopped, took a breather, ate some chicken wings, and got back in the drivers seat. The thing is, I had no choice. I had to get back in if I wanted to get home. My life is much like this 2001 Subaru.
Everyday I wake up wondering how I am going to make it one more day. I look at the big picture of the ministry I am in, and my bills piling up, and my friendships and family, and I wonder how it is going to work out. How is it going to be ok? I suddenly get that feeling in my stomach. The one that is much like butterflies, but evil ones. It hurts and eventually eats away at the lining in your stomach. I stop, cry and take a breather. "One day at a time, one hour, one minute", is the phrase I tell myself. That is how I live. That is how I get rid of those evil butterflies in my stomach. Trusting that God will kill every one of them with His promise to take care of me. And I DO love Him, but it is in all of this jerking and gear shifting and even stalling that I get confused and want to stop driving all together. But I can't really. Because I have to keep going, if I want to get home.
kaleidoscope
i love kaleidoscopes. My mother used to collect them before she pasted away. I have her collection now. She only had a few, but i love looking at them. Each one is so unique and makes its own pattern. When you turn the dial, shapes and colors collide and create new creations of beauty and my eyes never grow tired of these changes.
When i look at my own life, I wonder why it is that I hate change. Change was happening so much in my life this past year, it seemed I couldn't keep up, and I hated it. But now that changing has slowed down, I don't like where it has stopped. I am at the place in the ferris wheel where you are almost done, getting off the ride, but not quite. So you suspend in air and the view isn't that good, and you can't touch the ground yet, so you just dangle and wait. I am dangling and waiting. Holding my breath for the next change. And understanding that there are more colorful patterns to see.
When i look at my own life, I wonder why it is that I hate change. Change was happening so much in my life this past year, it seemed I couldn't keep up, and I hated it. But now that changing has slowed down, I don't like where it has stopped. I am at the place in the ferris wheel where you are almost done, getting off the ride, but not quite. So you suspend in air and the view isn't that good, and you can't touch the ground yet, so you just dangle and wait. I am dangling and waiting. Holding my breath for the next change. And understanding that there are more colorful patterns to see.
random thoughts while waiting
There is something about this area. Have I convinced myself of it? Do I feel, really feel different when I am here? As we step off the bus I get stepped on, weighted down. Oppression. I need to feel free. I need to feel awake and alive. The longer I stay, the worse it gets. How do i step past these happenings in my life? Where do I go to get the magic pill of freedom? Will I be different in a different city? Could life be better? I don't even know how I would get there. This is how people get stuck. I need to be unstuck. What can we do to be alive again? Is this all there was? I know once I am in sight of the stage, the people...I soar.
I wouldn't see myself as an encourager, yet I encourage. There is something about truth that draws people out of our present state and leaves us begging for more. We were created for righteousness. So when we see it, without understanding or knowing what is happening, we long to be corrected. We want to be right. As much as our selves fight to be right alwyas, (even if we are wrong) we long, need, want to be right in the most right way. In the most pure form of right-ness. Righteousness. So, we live our lives as best we can whle looking for ways to become or improve our righteousness. When we find these pieces of treasure (sometimes they look like a whole chocolate cake, sometimes like a small piece of baklava-both delicious!) we savour it, make it a part of ourselves and then look for more.
I have found these people, prophets, these righteous words are in such things as sermons, magazines, art, people, books, nature. Because God can speak anywhere, and at any time. We don't know where we will find these random treasures, so we must always be looking for these treasures of correction. Ready to receive.
I wouldn't see myself as an encourager, yet I encourage. There is something about truth that draws people out of our present state and leaves us begging for more. We were created for righteousness. So when we see it, without understanding or knowing what is happening, we long to be corrected. We want to be right. As much as our selves fight to be right alwyas, (even if we are wrong) we long, need, want to be right in the most right way. In the most pure form of right-ness. Righteousness. So, we live our lives as best we can whle looking for ways to become or improve our righteousness. When we find these pieces of treasure (sometimes they look like a whole chocolate cake, sometimes like a small piece of baklava-both delicious!) we savour it, make it a part of ourselves and then look for more.
I have found these people, prophets, these righteous words are in such things as sermons, magazines, art, people, books, nature. Because God can speak anywhere, and at any time. We don't know where we will find these random treasures, so we must always be looking for these treasures of correction. Ready to receive.
Friday, December 09, 2005
20% left.
i feel myself sinking down...fading back. Everyday I can feel this force working against me and my family and friends. I can't put my finger on it, but depression is setting in.
The things of religion do not make sense to me. i know God has provided for me, and continues to, but must I beg for provision? is this the life He longed for His kingdom children to have? Where did i go wrong in this life of sacrifice? How did I back myself into this corner of starvation...my mind growing still with each day pressing in. I don't understand it. Why suffer through? Why drop thousands of tears? What are they for?
Life proves itself to me, mocking me, taunting me into believing these are the reasons I don't have a child. How could i handle it if I had a baby? My house is a wreck even with endless cleaning. My walls are full, and even with my vision of providing safe places for others to stay, nothing points towards goodness anymore.
i get lost.
Looking forward seems promising, but i just read last years Christmas letter telling me that 2005 was looking up! "We have a good feeling about this year..", I proclaimed. And then i realized...i say that every year. I did have a good feeling about 2006 until i read that letter. now....
what is there when certain things become uncertain? the promises we made mean nothing in the eyes of difficulty and they are easily brushed aside for OUR needs to be met. Yet, who wants to live a life of constant difficulty? Do we deserve more? Where is this freedom He promises?
unsure of my move, I look at the board. starring...wondering...how is this one going to work?
God does work. He knows His move before He looks and only moves it when the other is ready to crack. We think we know, but we don't. But why, why so many tears? What does that mean?
I would like to ease my mind of the complications of my heart. I try to make a list of needs in order for that to happen...it doesn't work like that. Seeing this list being fulfilled as i watch myself step away from His hand and into my own. I DO need Him. I don't know how to Need Him. I don't know what to need Him in.
My emotions are getting the best of me this week. So many memories, so many issues, pain, laughter, accusation, guilt, as a tear rolls down my grandmothers cheek showing her love for my mother...and for me. How do I take that??? where do i put it? please tell me how to compartmentalize these resurrected thoughts. seeing through the eyes once more of a 15 year old. Broken cars and nights with out a father. disrespect. tenderness looking deep. playing favorites and holding hands. I cant stand this past I live from. I can hardly even look into the future anymore. things i once saw seem to disappear, fizzling out slowly over time.
i don't want a normal job. i want to help people. i feel called to otb, but i don't feel called to this money struggle. My good friend just told me now that her husband is working, they are getting along great. is that what it takes??? money???? I am too stressed to give a loving glance. i get up every day starring at the time on my ceiling watching it pass, wondering if i have to get up again to face more disappointments. There are good things you know. smiles all around. eden. she is here, and her hugs are worth a thousand years in rent. food, given by family. hugs from a friend. laughter from the simpsons. my rice cooker. But as i was talking with a friend today...these things that fill my void, just seem so temporary. And the heaviness i feel is just waiting for me at the table. It is where i eat. hopelessness. I hate it.
Some one told me recently that hope lies in the redeeming love of Jesus. That he can take any situation and turn it around for the glory of God. I am still eating sand and waiting for my miracle, my turn around, my redemption.
Maybe i over estimated my strength the day the Lord asked me how far I would go for Him. Maybe i thought i was some sort of super hero ready to give up all for the sake of Christ. At times I feel i am...but how do i put that in my current situation. I am under slept, and over thought. Where and when would I get a second job? This 'happy holiday' season is impossible. Give up my life? sure. Give up Starbucks? do i have to?
I am spoiled in many ways. Living in this world that I have surrounded myself with where 50 percent of my friends own an ipod of some sort. Many have the newest technology in phones, computers, psp's, you name it. I am happy with the hand me downs. (seriously) and i enjoy my 4 dollar cup of coffee every once in awhile. But I am missing something. Something is not right. For some reason the gates are being held shut and I don't understand it.
i have to get out of here. this place is suffocating me. I can not think straight and my vision is blurred. I am shutting down.
it doesn't make any sense....it's too much for me...my heart is turning...yet somewhere in there is a spark of hope for tomorrow.
The things of religion do not make sense to me. i know God has provided for me, and continues to, but must I beg for provision? is this the life He longed for His kingdom children to have? Where did i go wrong in this life of sacrifice? How did I back myself into this corner of starvation...my mind growing still with each day pressing in. I don't understand it. Why suffer through? Why drop thousands of tears? What are they for?
Life proves itself to me, mocking me, taunting me into believing these are the reasons I don't have a child. How could i handle it if I had a baby? My house is a wreck even with endless cleaning. My walls are full, and even with my vision of providing safe places for others to stay, nothing points towards goodness anymore.
i get lost.
Looking forward seems promising, but i just read last years Christmas letter telling me that 2005 was looking up! "We have a good feeling about this year..", I proclaimed. And then i realized...i say that every year. I did have a good feeling about 2006 until i read that letter. now....
what is there when certain things become uncertain? the promises we made mean nothing in the eyes of difficulty and they are easily brushed aside for OUR needs to be met. Yet, who wants to live a life of constant difficulty? Do we deserve more? Where is this freedom He promises?
unsure of my move, I look at the board. starring...wondering...how is this one going to work?
God does work. He knows His move before He looks and only moves it when the other is ready to crack. We think we know, but we don't. But why, why so many tears? What does that mean?
I would like to ease my mind of the complications of my heart. I try to make a list of needs in order for that to happen...it doesn't work like that. Seeing this list being fulfilled as i watch myself step away from His hand and into my own. I DO need Him. I don't know how to Need Him. I don't know what to need Him in.
My emotions are getting the best of me this week. So many memories, so many issues, pain, laughter, accusation, guilt, as a tear rolls down my grandmothers cheek showing her love for my mother...and for me. How do I take that??? where do i put it? please tell me how to compartmentalize these resurrected thoughts. seeing through the eyes once more of a 15 year old. Broken cars and nights with out a father. disrespect. tenderness looking deep. playing favorites and holding hands. I cant stand this past I live from. I can hardly even look into the future anymore. things i once saw seem to disappear, fizzling out slowly over time.
i don't want a normal job. i want to help people. i feel called to otb, but i don't feel called to this money struggle. My good friend just told me now that her husband is working, they are getting along great. is that what it takes??? money???? I am too stressed to give a loving glance. i get up every day starring at the time on my ceiling watching it pass, wondering if i have to get up again to face more disappointments. There are good things you know. smiles all around. eden. she is here, and her hugs are worth a thousand years in rent. food, given by family. hugs from a friend. laughter from the simpsons. my rice cooker. But as i was talking with a friend today...these things that fill my void, just seem so temporary. And the heaviness i feel is just waiting for me at the table. It is where i eat. hopelessness. I hate it.
Some one told me recently that hope lies in the redeeming love of Jesus. That he can take any situation and turn it around for the glory of God. I am still eating sand and waiting for my miracle, my turn around, my redemption.
Maybe i over estimated my strength the day the Lord asked me how far I would go for Him. Maybe i thought i was some sort of super hero ready to give up all for the sake of Christ. At times I feel i am...but how do i put that in my current situation. I am under slept, and over thought. Where and when would I get a second job? This 'happy holiday' season is impossible. Give up my life? sure. Give up Starbucks? do i have to?
I am spoiled in many ways. Living in this world that I have surrounded myself with where 50 percent of my friends own an ipod of some sort. Many have the newest technology in phones, computers, psp's, you name it. I am happy with the hand me downs. (seriously) and i enjoy my 4 dollar cup of coffee every once in awhile. But I am missing something. Something is not right. For some reason the gates are being held shut and I don't understand it.
i have to get out of here. this place is suffocating me. I can not think straight and my vision is blurred. I am shutting down.
it doesn't make any sense....it's too much for me...my heart is turning...yet somewhere in there is a spark of hope for tomorrow.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Princess
I sit here in the colored lit room staring at the Christmas tree while listening to the football game. But there is another noise begging for my attention. only two feet away from me is a gerbil named Princess. Princess is desperate to get out of her cage.
She lives in a glass fish tank and has only a wooden bridge like structure to climb on. But for the past few hours she has frantically been trying to get out of her cage. She hung from the top by her teeth, and even after receiving food and water she tries to climb her way out by using the glass. She gets nowhere and i wonder where her hope lies. Why does she continue? I wonder what makes her long for freedom so much that she will forever try to get out.
Personally, I am having a hard time not letting her out. Her hope should be fulfilled, and not disappointed. I just found out that all gerbils do this behavior. Which tells me two things, I will never have one, and they all should be free.
I watch Princess and feel her pain. Trying so hard to be free, longing to move on with your life and so badly wanting a family. She slows now...probably getting tired. And so am I.
She lives in a glass fish tank and has only a wooden bridge like structure to climb on. But for the past few hours she has frantically been trying to get out of her cage. She hung from the top by her teeth, and even after receiving food and water she tries to climb her way out by using the glass. She gets nowhere and i wonder where her hope lies. Why does she continue? I wonder what makes her long for freedom so much that she will forever try to get out.
Personally, I am having a hard time not letting her out. Her hope should be fulfilled, and not disappointed. I just found out that all gerbils do this behavior. Which tells me two things, I will never have one, and they all should be free.
I watch Princess and feel her pain. Trying so hard to be free, longing to move on with your life and so badly wanting a family. She slows now...probably getting tired. And so am I.
Friday, November 04, 2005
we are many
Everyone has their own world they live in, it is just amazing to me at times how those worlds live so close to one another.
I was able to go out tonight with a good friend who talked to me about how she feels left out at times. That life sometimes gets her down because she doesn't feel included in things that someone should be included on. I even sat next to her as she listened to someone remind her that she and her family was, well, left out. I couldn't believe it, and I wanted to cry for her. That reminded me of the other girl I spent the evening with. She was telling me how she hated parties, and the reason was because she felt left out. My words, not hers, but she said she didn't really relate to people at parties. They were usually in a different place than she is.
We talked about how sometimes we just feel like not going out anywhere and staying at home, in hiding. Sometimes it is just easier than facing the things in our lives that we are constantly reminded of. Easier, but probably not better.
As i drove home I started thinking about this idea about the left outs, and how i was so preoccupied with listening to other people tell me they were having a hard time with those feelings, that I, for once, forgot that I too feel left out. There is a group I am not allowed into. And I thought how strange it is that we are really oblivious to those around us who are feeling like outcasts. Some one wrote me an email today and the last thing she told me was that most of the time she feels alone. That just made me wonder if we all sort of feel like that. We look at ourselves and feel like we don't belong into certain groups, whether it be family, or status, or stages of life. But really, we all belong to a group. The group of the unbelonged. We can never belong to everything, we will never be apart of every group. So maybe instead of always trying to get into the next group, we should instead try to push through our loneliness and love those we do have, remembering in a world full of loneliness, we are many.
I was able to go out tonight with a good friend who talked to me about how she feels left out at times. That life sometimes gets her down because she doesn't feel included in things that someone should be included on. I even sat next to her as she listened to someone remind her that she and her family was, well, left out. I couldn't believe it, and I wanted to cry for her. That reminded me of the other girl I spent the evening with. She was telling me how she hated parties, and the reason was because she felt left out. My words, not hers, but she said she didn't really relate to people at parties. They were usually in a different place than she is.
We talked about how sometimes we just feel like not going out anywhere and staying at home, in hiding. Sometimes it is just easier than facing the things in our lives that we are constantly reminded of. Easier, but probably not better.
As i drove home I started thinking about this idea about the left outs, and how i was so preoccupied with listening to other people tell me they were having a hard time with those feelings, that I, for once, forgot that I too feel left out. There is a group I am not allowed into. And I thought how strange it is that we are really oblivious to those around us who are feeling like outcasts. Some one wrote me an email today and the last thing she told me was that most of the time she feels alone. That just made me wonder if we all sort of feel like that. We look at ourselves and feel like we don't belong into certain groups, whether it be family, or status, or stages of life. But really, we all belong to a group. The group of the unbelonged. We can never belong to everything, we will never be apart of every group. So maybe instead of always trying to get into the next group, we should instead try to push through our loneliness and love those we do have, remembering in a world full of loneliness, we are many.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
closer
some things you hold so close to your heart that it is dangerous. I have conditioned myself to think of the things i hold dearest to my heart and hold them away at arms length. My mothers locket, given to me when I turned 16. My bible, falling apart, filled with years of struggle and triumph. My fathers leather jacket, never to be worn again because it isn't real leather and it has gotten hard, and torn. I used to have my fathers belt, but i was an idiot in college and lent it to someone who lost it. My diamond, given to me by my beloved, meant as a promise of faithfulness and love. The only card I have of my mothers, in her hand writing she tells me I am strong and she believes in me and is always with me. Post cards from around the world. These things, and many others I have seen go up in flames in a house fire. I have seen them get lost over the years, stolen by a burglar. Over and over I have thought about the fact that I might lose one of them sometime. It is a reality that could happen. But that doesn't stop me from reading them, from loving them. From wanting them to stay with me. They are so dear to me.
Then i thought about people. What happens when I let people get that close, or even closer to my heart than those items of the past? What if they are taken from me? It is strange that I feel I have had to endure time after time losing friendships, or family. I hate it. But there is something in my heart that longs for it even more. I can't stop loving. I can't stop wanting more. I love to give away my heart, even with the possibility of it getting a bit bruised. Because there is nothing worse than having a clean, spotless, un-tattered, protected heart. So even though it hurts, I give it out once more...
Then i thought about people. What happens when I let people get that close, or even closer to my heart than those items of the past? What if they are taken from me? It is strange that I feel I have had to endure time after time losing friendships, or family. I hate it. But there is something in my heart that longs for it even more. I can't stop loving. I can't stop wanting more. I love to give away my heart, even with the possibility of it getting a bit bruised. Because there is nothing worse than having a clean, spotless, un-tattered, protected heart. So even though it hurts, I give it out once more...
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
All things
As i sit here at the library and work on the new dvd book, while listening to the old gentleman across from me breath, I think, 'all things are coming to an end.'.
This was my thought earlier today as i looked back at the trees that once stood me in awe and now seem, sad. Death is coming. The leaves will fall and regenerate into the earth, while i sit and drink my newly attended decaf coffee. I know with life, all things change. there are seasons after seasons, but i have a feeling this one is different for me in some way. I feel more in touch with my emotions than a year ago when i wondered if God was still alive, and if He was, why was he punishing me. I am realizing I am a part of my surroundings, yes, but I am not the center. This sinful nature of mine that demands MY attention always clamoring for me to feed it, is hard to fight. But i get glimpses of hope. ugh, not that word that haunts my soul month after month, but it is true. Something is changing. Is it the world? this earth? the weather? my friends? or, could it just be me?
i don't mean for this to sound morbid really, although i am realizing it somewhat does. Things coming to an end, can sometimes be good. Turning that corner which we have been staring at for years can seem like a fresh breath of air. Finally on a different path, the same, yet different.
I have had a headache all day today. I think i am acquiring an allergy to red wine. i know, i know, i can't believe it either. But this is the third time i have tried it and have moments later gotten a migraine. The wine was good, but not worth it, i assure you. It has been pounding me all day. I have taken medication, drank O-J, took my vitamins. I even had drew use the massager on my back, but still I couldn't convince it to leave. But as I sit here at the library and work on the new dvd book, while listening to the old gentleman across from me breath, i think, 'all things are coming to an end.' and my head ache is almost gone.
This was my thought earlier today as i looked back at the trees that once stood me in awe and now seem, sad. Death is coming. The leaves will fall and regenerate into the earth, while i sit and drink my newly attended decaf coffee. I know with life, all things change. there are seasons after seasons, but i have a feeling this one is different for me in some way. I feel more in touch with my emotions than a year ago when i wondered if God was still alive, and if He was, why was he punishing me. I am realizing I am a part of my surroundings, yes, but I am not the center. This sinful nature of mine that demands MY attention always clamoring for me to feed it, is hard to fight. But i get glimpses of hope. ugh, not that word that haunts my soul month after month, but it is true. Something is changing. Is it the world? this earth? the weather? my friends? or, could it just be me?
i don't mean for this to sound morbid really, although i am realizing it somewhat does. Things coming to an end, can sometimes be good. Turning that corner which we have been staring at for years can seem like a fresh breath of air. Finally on a different path, the same, yet different.
I have had a headache all day today. I think i am acquiring an allergy to red wine. i know, i know, i can't believe it either. But this is the third time i have tried it and have moments later gotten a migraine. The wine was good, but not worth it, i assure you. It has been pounding me all day. I have taken medication, drank O-J, took my vitamins. I even had drew use the massager on my back, but still I couldn't convince it to leave. But as I sit here at the library and work on the new dvd book, while listening to the old gentleman across from me breath, i think, 'all things are coming to an end.' and my head ache is almost gone.
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