I guess having aids makes you want to make out

So..as a friend told me this past week, most of my writings have been downers. I guess I didn't realize it, and I don't write here very often anymore, so if you only read from here I guess it would be a downer. But none the less I have decided to write an experience that I had this last weekend. Not a downer, but a "wow." -er.

We were at a camp somewhere in Illinois and we had just finished our show. The sponsor got up and gave an invitation where several kids came up for prayers. After this we showed our World Vision video. Now, for those of you who don't know much about World Vision, it's an orgainization onetimeblind works with that helps not only spread the word about poverty around the world, it gives you an opportunity to help solve it. (I can't get my links to work so try this: http://donate.wvus.org/OA_HTML/xxwvibeCCtpSctDspRte.jsp?cmp=AFC-1057050§ion=10022&xxwvCampaign=1057050)

Typically we show a video at our show and then one of us gets up and talks about World Vision and invite the crowd to be part of the solution in curing poverty. The video we show only is set to music and on the screen you see pictures of real people in Africa who have either died of aids, watched thier family die of aids, or are in aids communities. It is extremely sad. So, we are watching this video and people are crying, and I am getting emotional as well. I was doing the appeal this time, and was getting ready to go up to speak after the video when I notice sitting right in front of me, not 5 feet away, are 2 kids making out. I mean really making out-tongues and everything. wow.

I couldn't believe that was happening right before my eyes. So I got really close in between them and said, "yeah...if you guys could do this some other time, that would be awesome. You are being really disrespectful to what is happening in this room right now.". That's all I could get out. I wanted to take them both out and make them cry. But, I am sure the Lord kept me from such things on purpose. The sad part was, I don't think they were even embarrassed.

So, I guess from now on we will have to be careful and watch what crowds we show that video for. Obviously (and sickingly) it just turns some kids on.

memorial day...

"This is the day to remember and through tears I write this entry. I sit here not knowing if I should stay in the kitchen or run to sit next to adam. I can hear him crying as he remembers the dreams he had last night. Last night he started saying, "Jake! Jake! Watch Out!". He woke up remembering only one thing about his former best friend-the day he died in a car crash. He doesn't remember anything else about him. As I sit here with my heart breaking, I think how unfair it is that Adam lost his memory a few days ago and continues to struggle to get it back and remember the people he loves. He cries because on this day while people are off work having picnics in the park-not using the day to remember anything that people have done for us-adam cries because all he wants to do is remember, and he can't."

the rain. and daisy.

it is raining today.

i watched driving miss daisy with drew and adam. its sad, in case you didn't know.

not the boys are picking out music for adam to play at his funeral.

i can't stop thinking. i dreamed last night that i cried 5 tears onto adam's hand. they were long tears, i watched them drop from my eye to his hand and 5 of them covered the back of it. they all glistened like diamonds for some reason.

i guess with rain, daisy, funeral songs and dreams it is hard to carry a smile today.

but there is always something to look forward to...mexican for dinner tonight.

no matter how hard you don't want to become a statistic...you just do.

it was a rough one...

I wonder.

It is late and I am up from drinking coffee. I have felt a strange feeling these past 2 weeks. I have actually had a large range of feelings. I was sick until about 2 days ago. Actually, today is the first day I feel normal, having only blown my nose ONE time!!! You can't imagine how great that feels after going through 3 boxes of Kleenex in the last few weeks. So being sick makes me feel, mad. I hate being sick. It's such a waste of time. In some ways I feel I have wasted 2 weeks of my life. I have been living in this fog where I can't hear anything (just last night laura kept telling me to talk quieter because I was talking so loud), can't speak right (it takes so much effort with mucus in your throat), and I just wanted to go to bed. So, that's what I did a bunch.

But, feeling this way these past few weeks wasn't properly timed. We visited friends from growing up, friends from old otb days, aunts, cousins, old friends, new friends, college buddies, and all of those in 2 weeks. We are ready for a break. But our show next week was canceled which actually sucks because we wont get money now. grrr.. round and round we go.

Ryan and I were talking today about how frustrating our last show was. It was by far the most frustrating show we have had in over a year. The building was awesome. The game room had great art, a small skate park, ipod with music to listen to, a computer lab (where most of the kids, well, all of the kids were on myspace), DDR, basketball courts, food court, pool, and places to just hang out. What more could kids want these days? It was sad. Jesus was not to be seen. However, a security guard was. He was standing by the door to make sure these kids didn't get out of hand I guess. As the jr. highers settled in they were excited, and I was too, I thought, "these kids are really going to got God tonight. They are excited and ready to receive a word from Him!". I couldn't have been more wrong. From the first moment we stepped on the stage it was, well, battle. The fight was on. They talked, got out of their seats, mocked, laughed (and not at the laugh parts), and wouldn't sit still enough to even give God a chance to speak. The adults in the room did their best to "manage" the crowd as they would every once in awhile walk up and shush a kid or two. I wanted to stop the show. I almost did. It was the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. I understand the idea of wanting to be seeker sensitive, but when it is at the cost of JESUS, or teaching ANYTHING to these kids, what's the point? They were not only clueless about the bible, Jesus and spiritual anything, they were rude. We did the conforming cross skit and when Jesus stood at the front of the stage one kid stood up and copied him. This is a sweet thing, and has happened at several shows. But what happened next was, a mockery. In the skit Laura comes up and forms Jesus to herself. So as she did this all of the kids copied her, copied Jesus. So they all acted silly which created laughter and talking, and when Laura pushed Jesus over, all of the kids fell. ugh. They proceeded to do the same when Drew did his part.

Have you ever had one of those dreams that are so messed up that they can't possibly be real? yup, that was last night. But, it was real. I kept saying, "this can't be real".

The funny thing was, that morning I had woke up and had a rough night of sleep because I was dreaming that I was dreaming and waking up. Then in my dream I would fall back asleep and wake up again. By the time I actually did wake up, I wasn't sure I actually was awake. Now that I'm thinking about it, I am not sure last night really happened. Was it a dream?

i wish.

The other strange thing was I had just read this scripture: "How terrible for you, teachers of the law adn Pharisees! You are hypocrites! You wash teh outside of your cups and dishes, but inside they are full of thigngs you got by cheating others adn by pleasing only yourselves. Pharisees, you are blind! First make the INSIDE of the cup clean, and then the outside of the cup can truly be clean....People look at you and think you are good, but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and evil."

Coincidence? I don't think so. It's not that I thought the leadership of this church was full of evil or anything, I just feel in the midst of trying to do a good thing, they left out the most important part. They feel in order for people to be attracted to Jesus, you have to create a flashy, mtv world. They couldn't be more wrong.

Ryan was telling me how he hates mega churches. Mostly because he hates how they spend their money. He understands having a good sound system, but some of these churches pay thousand of dollars to have professional sound equipment that they don't even need. He said the church building we just left probably cost millions of dollars to build. Then he wondered why the Christians in this country feel the need to spend money that way when Jesus didn't say anything about how to build our buildings or make them seeker friendly. But Jesus did say feed the hungry. He said it makes him sick to know that much money went into buying computers so kids could access myspace when across town someone can't pay the electric bill. I must admit, it is a tough one.

Everyone wants to be apart of something BIG, tangible, something we can be proud of. We struggle with that even within this ministry. Even after 13 years of ministry, at times we feel like, "what have we done?". Mostly because you can't look at this huge building to show what we have built. We have no walls to display our certificates of appreciation, we have no desks to put our important papers, we don't even have a uniform to display our gold medals. We have, nothing. And isn't that what we said we wanted? ALL glory to God. ugh. Yet, we have a need to feel important, like we accomplished something. We receive words, notes, testimonies from students and adults alike telling us how God has changed them though the ministry we are committed to. Yet, I can't put that on my wall. I can't open my wallet and show it to a stranger. I have to admit I still don't own a house. I still don't get paid monthly. I wonder where my Christmas fund will come from and TODAY drew and I bought our first couch. So when I get home, and sit on my new fancy couch will I feel "accomplished"? I doubt it. The only way I will feel proud, fulfilled, complete, is to walk with Him. To see a vision of things beyond tangiblity. I heard someone say a lot of people want to go to Heaven because it's going to be so great. Streets of gold, a mansion for us! But then he asked, 'what if you get there and there are just dirt roads and a shack'? Something inside of me knew I was missing the mark.... Jesus. A closer walk with Him.

There is to much in this country. We are missing Jesus. Our churches are making it impossible to hear the Lord. We are (with good intentions) making it harder for the next generation to even hear His voice, let alone see His face. Oh Lord, come quickly.

December 22, 1996-December 22, 2006

Ten years for the Smiths. We received a nice card from Drew's mom and step dad. Inside the card was an actual article from the Grand Rapids Press. This is what it said:


Do your part for peace
----------------
Activists call for Global Orgasm for Peace on Dec. 22
----------------
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

SAN FRANCISCO--Two activists have planned a masive anti-war demonstration for the first day of winter.
But they don't want you marching in the streets. They'd much rather you just stay home.
The Global Orgasm for Peace was conceived by Donna Sheehan, 76, and Paul Reffell, 55, whose immodest goal is for everyone in the world to have an orgasm Dec. 22 while focusing on world peace.
"The orgasm gives out an incredible feeling of peace during it and after it," Reffell said Sunday. "Your mind is like a blank. It's like a meditative state. And mass meditations have been shown to make a change."
The couple have studied evolutionary psychology and believe that war is mainly an outgrowth of men trying to impress potential mates, a case of "my missile is bigger than your missile," as Reffell put it.
By promoting what they hope to be a synchronized global orgasm, they hope to get people to channel their sexual energy into something positive.
"The dream is to have everyone in the world (take part)," Reffell said. "And if that means laying down your gun for a few minutes, they hey, all the better."


Well then, happy anniversary to us. :)

and to you

and the rest of the world.

141?

ok, so seriously, I am not exactly sure why, but we just got this scale from the otb office and it is telling me i weigh 141. I am not one to share my weight, or to care really how much I weigh. Mostly because I have weighed the same (155-160) since I was in the 8th grade. Seriously, I have not gone under or over that range in over 21 years. yes, i know, i'm that old. So I have found it literally mind boggling to see that number. I don't really pay attention to my weight. I don't really care about it. I can tell when I need to loose a few pounds to fit into my clothes better etc. But I feel pretty confident with who God has made me, and I have learned to accept who I am and not to focus my time on things like body image etc.

But lately I have wanted to be healthy. I mean, I have wanted that for years, but just lately I have decided to stop eating wheat (gluten stuff really) because Drew can't have it anyway, so I stopped. For the most part. (i mean seriously, who can say no to Krispy Kreme? except drew, but he's weird) But it was hard because I ate a lot of bread, and I LOVE bread, but I just thought I would do it. Drew always told me, "flour mixed with water is what? That's right, paste. That sits in your belly.". I thought that was true, but who wants to eat a burger with no bun? But I have learned, it's really not that bad.

I have also learned I had to stop eating refined sugars. Which has made me stop eating refined anything. Or at least trying. (except for my sisters AWESOME oreo truffles, you must try them) I have been reading labels etc. and trying to only eat things that God made. Except for diet coke. I can't get past that man made drink yet, maybe this year. So, maybe all of that changing has caused me to lose weight when I haven't really tried or didn't even notice.

It really doesn't matter to me, except for the fact that I feel good, which is really the point.

anyway, not sure why I shared, just felt like sharing my wonder and blessing of a new number to tell the lady at the drivers license place. too bad i was just there 2 weeks ago and told her my old actual weight, but then, who really cares anyway? It just feels good to be healthy.

the best poem ever written

There is a strong wall about me to protect me,
it is built of the words you have said to me.

There are swords about me to keep me safe,
they are kisses of your lips.

Before me goes a shield to guard me from harm,
it is the shadow of your arms between me and danger.

All the wishes of my mind know your name,
and the white desire of my heart,
they are acquainted with you.

The cry of my body for completeness,
that is a cry for you.

My blood beats out your name to me,
unceasing,
pitiless,
your name, your name.

-Mary Carolyn Davies


My thoughts to my husband of 10 years.

spinning

I woke up this morning spinning. I went to bed late and got up early, and my equilibrium is off. I keep walking into walls etc. I feel like a drunk kitten or something. But today is eden's 3rd birthday and we are about to celebrate in five or so min.

I feel a spinning in my spirit as well. So much to say. So much to think about. I hope to write them all down soon, because they are good.

December sip

On the way to see friends yesterday I told Drew I have been struggling lately. As I talked through my December blues, I discovered that it truly is December that is my problem. I told him about how I feel responsible for so many people, and the relationships they have with each other and in this month I often don't do what I would want to do, but I do things to keep peace, harmony and all that other crap. As I cried and told him I didn't know what to do because I missed my mother and my older brother is far away, and my sister just adopted her third child and money ick .....I will spare you the rest of the list......I realized, it's not really about all of those things. I was upset because of December. You see December is the end. It marks the end of another year and for some reason I am forced to face all of the people in my life and try to explain why my life doesn't 'look' like thiers. I have to explain why I still don't have kids, why I still live in Michigan, why I don't make any money, why we can't buy gifts (but we always get those 'it's ok, we understand' eyes), why we never visit, and the ultimate question, when is it all going to change? Or what am I going to do to change it?

December reminds me of what is not.

I began to understand why all of my single friends hate December. I mean, I always kinda new they hated the Christmas season because they were forced to feel alone, but worse yet, answer the stupid question of why they are still alone. They are forced to look back on this past year, and years before and weigh it. Is my life better than years past? Or am I still the same? Nothing has changed. And can't we find something else to talk about?

I can see now why candy canes and santa hats don't make the orphans smile. They look back and remember the year filled with the void of love that only a parent can give. Most kids get a latte here, a pair of shoes there, but for those forgotten, ...nowhere to go for the holidays. More tears fall than snow during December and most just wish the holidays would never happen, reminding us of what is not.

It seems society is trying to force people into this corner where we are all made to look back and answer those questions. Where are you going to live? Who are you going to date? Where are you going to get money? How are you going to do that? Do you think that is a wise decision? When are you going to be on your own? When are you going to get a girl/boyfriend? Where are you going to work? Is that job right for you? You make a living doing that? Are you guys ever going to grow up? Why don't you have any kids? Where are you going for the holidays? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO???

sip hot coffee.

Have you ever felt the sun on your face during a very cold moment?

It was EXTREMELY refreshing to sit with good friends, drink good coffee, hear good music, and laugh till the early hours. Life is hard, looking back is hard, but it's not the looking back that is important. In order for December not to destroy me, I must drown myself in good friends, drinking coffee, good music, and laughter till the early hours. I refuse to allow December to depress me and bury me alive with things I can't control and promises not yet fulfilled.

The gift of Over the Rhine was AWESOME, but not as great as the gifts that I received from being reminded of the important things in life. That life happens one sip at a time and i don't have to have any answer to pointless questions. All I have to do is grind the beans, light a candle, shovel the sidewalk (only if I find the shovel) so friends can find the way, and live. Because if I'm running around from store to store and I'm busy wishing I was somewhere else, doing something else, my coffee gets cold.

and nobody likes cold coffee.


may our holidays be filled with unanswered questions. and warm sips.

a timely finding

Wildflower

Here I am again. It was just yesterday I was free to grow, free to be reckless in my innocents.
Rooted to the very thing that decorates my correction.

Here i am once again. Frozen without neglect
Cold with my sights beyond my circumstances.
Bitter in my ignorance of when my revival will spring forth.
So I wait.
Damp and cold with the only warm that this is not forever.
Here is not forever.
So I wait.
So I wait.



This was written by a friend a long time ago. I guess he didn't think it was any good, he threw it away. I found it in the trash that day, years ago, and stashed it in a folder that I found today. (I wrote it as he wrote it.)

timely.

Indigo Girls UP CLOSE!!!

It was SO much fun. I actually froze when we got our cd signed. They just sat there and looked at me waiting for me to say something and all that came out was....



nothing.

But, still, got the great pics.

http://flickr.com/photos/kathlenesmith/

drifting wood

There are times when I feel like all I am is drifting wood. I feel as if I have fell off of something that was once alive, and been floating on water ever since. It is ok to float aimlessly being taken from one shore line to the next, but at times I feel tired. I just want to land somewhere, and dry off. But, I should sit back and enjoy the ride that I am on. I know that once drift wood lands, some of it gets burned, while others are rescued, shaped, sculpted, and made into something unique and beautiful. It really just takes vision to see what's beyond the drifting. I think that is what I lack most of the time.

As I stood on stage tonight and told the story of Jonathan again, I thought, I am tired of pushing through the pain. I told the people, "If we could just see what's on the other side of the pain, we would gladly take it. God has so much for us if we would just push through". I do believe those words, but I just don't want to do them.

Im tired. I have accepted my calling, so I WILL move on from AL to the next place, I WILL get up and speak what the Lord tells me to say, and I WILL do it for as long as HE wills me to do it. I just long for more days that are not so tiring and drifty.

I WON! I WON! I WON! :)

It really does work! This is the second time (the first time was with my wonderful friend Zach who was a "friend" on blingo) that I have won on Blingo!!!!!

I will listen to my new music and think of them. Life is so good.

0:31 minutes ago
iTunes Gift Certificate
Kathlene S, Belleville, MI
+ friend

i just wonder which one of you is my "friend"

aches...of the head, hopes of the heart

So,

everthing keeps telling me to turn to this word called HOPE. The shows I watch, the boxes that I buy, the gifts given to me. And so I am not exactly sure what I am to learn about that, except that I am supposed to not give it up. Maybe God thinks I am close to feeling hope-less. He keeps sending me little signals, signs, hope. I heard a speaker on tv say the other night that if I feel like i have lost hope to close my eyes and remember when I last had it. Then call the people who were around then to remind me to have it again. well, i haven't lost it yet, but that doesn't make it easy to keep. So...I press on.

The good thing is there is much to hope for! The upcoming month will be a hard one, but it will be good. Time seems to fly by here in my life, sometimes that is good, sometimes that is bad. Spending time with those I love for example, flies by too fast. But this migraine I have been sporting for 3 days, way to slow. But next month will show a new door for me. A new place for Drew and I. I am excited. I am excited to start again, to move not just physically, but in so many other ways too. There are several people in my life who have had to make this jump into a new reality. Living in new places, new homes, eating off of new plates, it seems to fit them. Even though the miles to get there were filled with tears. Things are growing with them now, and I am excited for that new growth in me.

Jesus's bum

"Get off your bum and do it!" quote by Drew talking to Jesus.

achomplishment

As I sit here in a foreign house helping a friend move in, I am reminded of his face when he was buying a candle holder for his fireplace. Achomplishment. It isn't that buying a new candle holder is accomplishment, it is that he has worked so hard to do it. He is the type of person that works 150% no matter what he does. I have another friend who is an artist and lived in New York City for awhile. While doing so, he had to borrow some money to make ends meet. He since then has moved out of the city (a few years ago), moved in with family and worked very hard doing a "normal" job to pay off his debt. The other night he told me he just wrote the last check to his debtor and now he might even be able to pay off his car. Accomplishment. I know accomplishment comes in all shapes and sizes, and can look like many different things. It doesn't have to be about money. Reaching a goal is an accomplishment. I have another friend who he and his wife have endured MUCH to buy the house they felt like God was leading them to. Over a year later they are moved in and almost everything in the house, the walls, the kitchen, the home office, the dining room, the build in speakers on the ceilings, spell out their accomplishments. It feels good (and tiring) to reach your goal.

That is why making goals is so important. Without them we just flounder and feel overcome by this world.

these lines on my face

The other day Eden walked into the room and she had taken a friends lipstick and "put it on". The putting on however was all over her face. Not just her lips, but she also covered a portion of her cheeks! We can laugh at that because we know Eden is so cute and that lipstick is washable. With one trip to the sink, she will look brand new, wiped up, clean. Not so with these lines on my face.

It seems God keeps moving me into places where decisions not only have to be made, but made quick with the trust that HE is the one making them. I don't have time to weigh out the rights and wrongs or the goods and bads of everything in my life. I wonder if He is moving into these quick decisions because He knows I might not ever make a decision otherwise. Who knows. I don't really like it though, my face shows it. Lines. tears. frowns. my pillow gets frightened when I come to bed for fear of ending up wet. Yet, I know good things will come from these places God is moving me into. Not just good things for me, but for everyone.

Life is hard.

sigh.

someone wrote to me today and gave me great advise. He said:

Trust in His strength, not in your lack of it.

yes, I WILL follow you....but, could I have some bread?

Reality.

it sucks.

I think in a magical perfect world, money really would grow on trees. The people I love would be taken care of and set free from financial debt and inprisonment. And I would be able to do what I feel like God is calling me to do. Why does God call His people, or at least some of us, to sacrifice all (finances, family, comfort, health, friends, even church) to do His work. Everyone is different and I know we shouldn't question God, but I get frustrated. I get frustrated not knowing God's will for my life, and the ministry He has me in. I would love to take all of my unbelievable friends and family and allow them to excell in the gifts God gave them. But reality is, I can't. I can't keep pretending that God is going to provide a way for my debt to be taken care of. Or that I will even be provided for monthly. He CAN do it, but I am not so sure that He is going to drop that million dollar publishers clearing house check in my lap. Maybe He has another way of taking care of me. He DOES provide, but not the ways I would want. I hate reality that is constantly in my brain telling me things are impossible. I know God can do all things. But reality weighs on me like a brick. holding me down. Dispite this holding, I press on knowing God DOES have a purpose for me. That road might look different than what I thought, but I am still walking. Still walking with Him.

I know I will push through these hard decisions reality brings me. And I will taste all aspects of this journey from the sauerkraut to the brownies. Even a bitter taste is still a taste, which fills me with life. And through my tears and my 'see you later''s I know God will heal my broken heart and create some kind of beauty as we all press forward fighting reality along the way.

Come quickly Lord Jesus. Bring Your Perfection. You ARE coming. THAT is reality.

15 years of 27

July 27, 1991-July 27, 2006

15. The thought of 15 years in anything makes me feel old. I still remember turning 15, and now I am over double that age. As I sit here at 3:25am est. I realize 15 years ago I was up as well. so long ago seems so close. I remember so much, and so little from that night.

All day today I knew it was the 15 year anniversary of my parents death. And from the early morning, I woke up happy and filled with peace. I am not sure if it was the out of no where hugs from eden (first on the right shoulder, then the left, then the right again, then a kiss on the lips), or the most beautiful tree I have ever seen that seemed to speak to me in ways I can't explain, or maybe it was an old friend coming to see our show tonight, but all seemed to speak to me personally. It was as if God walked with me all day today.

I sat on the outer edge of the largest, coolest Oak tree I have ever seen. It was called a 'Live Oak', and was unbelievable. The limbs stretched yards away from the trunk inviting you to climb it. It covered the grounds like a canopy and I later learned it was over 600 years old. The trunk was HUGE, proving it's age. I sat and just looked at it and I felt blessed. Drew and I sat on the outside of the tree line and just talked for a bit. It was wonderful and I realized I was surrounded by beauty. God had taken my everyday ordinary life and transformed it into something amazing. More than amazing. His hand guided me towards my husband, my best friends, this ministry, the road, and to Round Rock, TX and to this tree.



I realized 15 years ago I wondered where I would be in 15 years, and I honestly wasn't sure. I remember telling myself I didn't think I would be alive that long. I couldn't imagine getting up everyday and living without my parenets. I didn't want to. And yet, somehow I did it. I carried on. And He carried me while whispering His secrets and desires for my life.

Today I don't feel sadness, but just blessed. I feel as if I am the most blessed person on the face of this earth and for that my soul screams, "THANK YOU!". I Praise God for His goodness in my life. I praise Him for being personal with me. I praise Him for Life! And for the beauty He continues to give me.

Once again I can't imagine where I will be in 15 years. I can't imagine being in a more perfect place than this, but with God, I am sure I will be.

it means something

"This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through, my treasures are laid up, some where beyond the blue, the angels beckon me from Heavens open door and I can't feel at home in this world anymore."

A song/hymn from my childhood. And I wonder, "when did I feel at home here?" I guess maybe when I was young and lived in my dreams of the future. Dreaming of becoming a famous singer, or a bus driver (yes, it is true), the future looked promising. That was before I left Alma Michigan. That was before Jesus. Nothing really mattered then. I got older, life happened, I met others who have also been asked to put a pebble in their shoe and walk.

I foolishly have been surprised by the hardness of this journey. Each step gets harder to move my legs. They are becoming numb to my body, yet my mind says, "wait....wait....just a few more minutes" and so I continue on. I keep looking for the moment when perfection arrives and all is made new. Ah yes, the bible speaks to that, Christ's second coming. So I wait in antisipation, searching for His breath to hit the earth once more. Moving one, then two, then three steps at a time. While constantly focusing on the only thing that keeps me moving...home.

This day was a long time coming. I must admit I have been afraid to brand my skin with a language (beautiful though it is) that I don't know. I decided though after getting referrals from several professors, and praying much, to just go for it. So i did.

Jeremiah 1:5 is one of my favorite verses. I have never thought of it as a 'life verse', although I know many people who have life verses. But tonight as I think about how much this one little verse means to me, maybe it is more than a life verse to me. Maybe Jeremiah 1:5 is my life, and my reason for living.

"BEFORE I formed you in the womb, I KNEW YOU, before you were born I set you apart, I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

This was from the Lord to Jeremiah, but the first part caught my eye. BEFORE he formed him, God knew Jeremiah. BEFORE...and that got me thinking. There had to be a time before conception when we were with God. Sitting..dreaming...smiling, and just enjoying Him. THAT was the place I was created, not my mothers womb. And THAT is the place I will return to, the place where God waits for me to come home. I long for that place. Each day that I live here seems harder to live than the last. Even though the world has some amazing, wonderful things, and with each day we see God a bit more, I still would rather be with Him enjoying Him fully.

Nothing will compare to me being reunited with my Father. I long to run to him and grab His cheeks kissing Him and telling Him of my love for Him, and to literally see His smile, and to feel His hand on my head. He holds all the warmth of a Fathers approval, and when I think of Him, this land couldn't feel more foreign. I long to get back to my homeland, to my birthplace, to my rightful place, to my Father...to my homeland in Heaven.






If you wonder what these words mean, they mean all I have written above and more.

the lost paintings

I was driving around and passed this garage sale yesterday. They had a fence thing that you keep animals in and I pictured Ajax hopping around inside of it in the grass and I smiled. As I walked up to the house I noticed they were using the fence thing for puppies that were for sale. They were cute. But they were also selling a few other garage sale items, you know, typical things, books, cups, tools etc. Then I noticed 2 boxes FULL of paintings. They were on canvas, all different colors and sort of looked like smudges of paint. Nothing that really caught my eye except that their were lots of them.

A woman from the garage asked if I was going to buy one. I thought, "yeah right." and then I looked up. She was retarted. I knew I didn't like the paintings and probably wouldn't buy one. Her sister asked if I was looking for something specific at the sale and I told her I was looking at the fence. She told me it wasn't for sale (because it had puppies in it!) and I said ok thanks and started to walk away heading to the sale at the house two doors down. As I was walking, the retarted sister said to her sister, "Isn't anyone going to buy my paintings?". Just then I thought, what if that is Jesus. Not that Jesus is retarted, but you know what I mean. I knew I would be going back to buy a painting.

I did go back, but I didn't buy one, I bought five. I had to leave to go to the ATM to get cash. By the time I returned it was pouring. So I ran into the garage to buy the paintings. She signed them for me. She said she couldn't wait to get rich and famous. I told her she already was.

a mothers dream

I am not sure how many of you guys watch LOST out there, but the last episode was awesome. There is a scene where a few of them have to decide if entering the code and pushing the button on the computer even matters. One of the guys tries to explain that if they do not punch in the code and hit the button that there will be an electric magnetic malfunction on Earth. That what they do actually saves the world. Even something as small as pushing a button. Lots to talk about there, but in the show, one guy doesn't believe it and actually breaks the computer making it impossible for them to release the build up of electric magnetic pressure. There is a spot under the ground that a special key goes into and it is the fail safe to release it if something should happen to the computer. Before it was entered the pressure built up was so strong that it forced everyone on the island to have intense pain in their ears. Something was getting ready to explode.

That is how I felt yesterday. Not sure how long things have been building up inside of me, or why really, but I just know out of no where I started crying. It wasn't really like one tear then another until a flood of tears came. It was more like a dam being crushed as my emotions all poured out into my car. There are several things that caused me to explode. For some reason lately I have been dreaming about my mom. It isn't that I mind necessarily dreaming of my mother, but it is just easier not thinking about her. I think this is why most of my siblings don't talk about her anymore. And as I am realizing, if we don't share the miracles in our lives, over time they disappear. And I feel that is what is happening with my mother at times.

I watched a video of her the other day. It was maybe 20 seconds long as she was sitting on Santa's lap. She was saying things to him in the midst of a crowded, conversation filled room. I strained to hear her voice only to discover I didn't know it anymore. I think this is what caused my dreams to start. Some dreams are of just seeing her. Some are of me trying to hug her. Some are of her talking to other people the way she used to so much. I miss her. I miss her laugh, and her smile, and her guidance. I miss the security of having a mother, someone who will no matter what happens be there for you.

One of my friends told me I have lost people that I have loved, and this continues to happen in my life. I am grieving that, even things from my past. But another friend told me, "Who hasn't lost people they have loved?". He was explaining that we have all loved and lost. And with that comes so much pain and confusion for the future. Will I ever love again? SHOULD I ever love again? The truth is people fail us. They die, leave, change, and are faulty. But then, I too am guilty of this. I am sure I have left those who have loved me strongly. I guess that is this thing called life. My first friend reminded me that God never leaves us. I feel that I know that is true. I don't feel like He is going to abandon me or leave me here to suffer or figure things out on my own. Or do I? I mean, when my bills are due and I don't have money, do I not feel let down? Or when I find out I am not pregnant AGAIN each month, has He not forgotten me? I think I do struggle with those thoughts. Not the ones that float around in my mind, but the ones that take root in my heart.

But the strange thing about feeling alone, is that so many people feel this way. And that creates a group full of people who feel alone, but ironically, are not.

So as I try to figure out these mother dreams that keep coming at night, I pray for God's breath, I pray for Kingdom focus, I just pray. And all of these prayers draw me closer to Him. And isn't that the point?

homeward bound

The drive home is hot and cold as Drew and I keep switching the temperature controller to accommodate our needs. He is hot, I am cold. So we compromise in the middle where he remains a bit sweaty and I, a bit chilled. But that is us. Meeting in the middle and living miserably together. ;) Just kidding. But it is the togetherness that makes my goose bumps calm and content.

It has been a long weekend filled with lots of miles. Traveling home from Illinois in a bus covered in diesel. Getting home late to empty our car of the bags from the trip only to put a few things back in them to leave the next day. It was a good trip though, filled with family encouragement and hugs from friends. I love my family and friends. They understand us, and that means so much to me. It feels so good to drive home after a crazy day of meeting with dr. robinsdad and talking about the fall with parents. God is good. He answers prayers and I am so thankful.

May the rest of this week be ever filled with wonder and God's Gift.

one step closer to a closed door, and one step closer to an open one...

wise men

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock." Matthew 7:24

What is the rock for which we have built our homes?

Growing up, I was born into the Catholic church. I can remember walking into the country church that sat on a hill formed graveyard. As I entered the sanctuary my black patten leather shoes that buckled clicked on the stone floor. We always sat near the front, which I thought was a reason to show everyone who we were. We were known in the community, I had a large extended family. I later decided my parents wanted to sit near the front so when they had to take me outside the doors to spank me, which happened at least once a month, everyone could see what was happening. I liked that church even though now thinking back it feels cold to me. Dead, ritualistic, yet traditional. Years later we converted to a much more freeing conservative, non-instrumental church. We met good people there. Church seemed more like a family, and it seemed I could actually meet people who were trying to make good, Christ like decisions. So, I began making my decisions based on these people.

I began to learn scripture. Certain scriptures though. It never struck me as funny that we would take scriptures out of the bible stories and memorize them, applying them to our lives, without reading the context to which they were written. For example, I memorized with my class I Corinthians 13. The famous chapter on love. I, along with 9 other 10 year olds, stood in front of our small assembly and recited, "Tho I speak with the tongues of men and of angels and have not love, I am nothing." . I never read what the chapter before this chapter is on. Do you know?

Spiritual Gifts.

We never once in the 10 years that I went to this church discussed spiritual gifts. Doesn't that sound crazy? Why were they afraid to even discuss things they didn't understand? So I learned about love, which was good. But we never did discuss that "tongues of men and of angels" part. I assumed it was something that was in bible days. That is how they explained everything they didn't understand. They would just say that only happened in bible days. What a shame. Thousands of people are out there with unopened gifts from the King.

So I began to build my house. But what foundation had I laid all of my verses on? Jesus tells us the wise man built is house on the 'rock'. What is my rock? When the storms actually do come, and I start to question everything that has ever happened to me in my life, and sorrow sets in, what is the rock that I cling to, that I stand on confidently?

Hearing the word, putting it into practice, this is the rock to which all of my foundations should sit. I have found that I MUST find scriptures to vanquish the enemies arrows and prove to me that God is with me. These scriptures don't just come out of thin air, they must be learned. They must be heard, and applied, and built upon. I need more of them. I believe the bible is the single most dangerous weapon to be used in all of history. It dissipates hate with love, heals the hurting, comforts the lonely, directs the paths of the righteous, but most importantly, it is the key that opens the door to God's breath.

Knowing this, believing it all to be true, I sit back wondering about life and stop to think, "what did I do with my bible"?

the woman in the window

Driving past a small community in IL, I noticed a woman on the top floor of her house. She was in her upper bedroom with the window open. She sat with her arms folded on the window pane and I wondered what she was thinking.

What do people do in these small towns on lazy Sunday mornings? Maybe she was listening to the birds chirping, or feeling the wind on her skin reminding herself that she is alive. Existing. She is just existing. I wondered what I would feel if I was in a town of that size, probably 1,000 people. Would I dread life? Would I find anything exciting? Who would be my world? Most people live in the world of their children. They spend years watching them grow, being involved with their lives. From day one, they give their parents something to do. Changing diapers, feedings, this is how you walk, say, "mama", hit the ball, what a beautiful rainbow!, first day of school, classroom helper, soccer practice, dance recitals, braces, first kiss, study hard, go to the dance, growing up so fast, graduation........and on it goes forever. If it isn't your kids, then it is grandkids. I have even heard parents say, "My kids are my life". There isn't anything wrong with that, but I wonder, what if someone never had kids? Do they not have a life? I know there are many things to do besides have kids. One can better themselves with studying, community help, serving others, taking care of loved ones, travel etc. But this lady in the window, it seemed she longed for more.

I know I wont be that woman in the window. Not that I couldn't be, but that I know I wont sit still long enough to let it happen. There is always something I want to do, or someone I want to talk to. But in a way, I also envy her. She has found the gift of sitting, listening, and waiting. And it is in that place where we can find peace.

this grassy ark

It has been a good, but long weekend. And many things have happened that have caused me to think.

Someone mentioned to me the other day that it seemed Drew & I don't like being Christians because we are always talking bad about the church. Even to write that makes me cry. I would never want to come across as a Church hater, or a Christian hater, but I guess that is the air we put off. Jesus loved the church so much, and so do I. But as I was kid proffing my house this weekend, putting away all inappropriate materials, or any that would cause conversations I don't feel like having, I wondered, "who the heck am I?"

We watched a show one time about this guy who wasn't a Christian, but wanted to understand the culture so he set out to live like one. He made rules for himself, only shopping at the Christian Family Bookstore, only going to Christian sites for any info (news, entertainment etc), only renting Christian movies and even eating 'Christian' foods. He made his family do it too, which they hated. At the end, he talked about how Christians who put themselves on this 'ark' are missing it. We even do a skit (inspired by this documentary) about living on the ark. "If the world can't touch you, you can't touch the world" But where is the balance?

My brother went to school at CMU. He had one Christian friend, but got along better with other guys who weren't 'Christians', but great guys. So now, he has a different way of seeing things than I do. Mostly because I went to a Christian College where wordly influences were not as visable. He lives a bit differently than I do, but he also wishes he had a community like me. It is hard for him to find good friends, and as he walks through life, it is hard for him to find a church that he would like to go to.

After our parents died, Kelly and I kept going to the same church where we grew up, super conservative. I stopped going eventually (mostly because I moved) and he told me about one Sunday when he brought a friend. The church didn't have any elders, or even a preacher at this time. (They haven't had elders in almost 20 years...yes, i know) The person that was chosen to speak for the day (the men would take turns) decided to get the phone book and go through it naming all of the other churches that were NOT going to Heaven. My brothers friend was a member of one of those churches. A bit uncomfortable. Needless to say, he stopped going, and hasn't been back to a church yet. I mean, he has visited, but nothing membershipy.

I could post all day about those I love who have gotten burned by the church, and the reasons they did, but then what? As a Jesus lover, where does that leave me to bitch about the church constantly? We didn't go to church on Sunday because it was going to be cheesy. My sister didn't want to go, and either did Drew. But when it came down to telling the boys why we were deciding not to go, what were we to tell them? It is too cheesy? The drama sucks? The music is stupid? They aren't creative enough? They are too big? They are too little? I could think of excused all day as to why to stay off the Christian Bookstore Ark, but as I asked Drew last night, where do I stand?

I don't feel like living in the ark is right. Surrounding myself only with Christian things isn't what Jesus intended. I read a website the other day from a couple who had posted thier family creed. It said, "We will only surround ourselves with good Christian friends.". It made me mad. I thought, are people who are not Christians bad people? It is like those on the ark believe those who are not are like poison or something. My mentor told me I would change my mind when I have kids. Maybe that is true, but I just can't close my heart off to good people. Nor do I feel like I should. Jesus was ALWAYS with the sinners. They walked with him. But as Jay Baker said, "We teach our kids, 'Be like Jesus and stay away from those sinners'" Yeah right.

So where is the middle ground and how do I get there? I don't want to be on the ark, yet I am not off of it either. I am standing on the ramp wondering where the rest of the world is, feeling ashamed that I am not on one side or the other. But I don't think I should be feeling ashamed. I just want to live in a world where people love each other, and don't judge. Where they aren't selfishly talking about themselves, their wants, their likes etc. all the time. It is like it is impossible. Can't we just love one another where we are? Even if that means that you are on the ark, I am on the ramp, and someone else is on the grass?

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing."

Johanna B

I am sitting here (as my usual blog time, sunday driving home from a show) and watching Johanna sit in the shadows and work on her computer at the table and I am reminded of how blessed we are. I don't usually single people out to blog about, especially knowing all of you (and her) read this, BUT i just feel the need to express.

Something looks different. As i look at her, I see, a woman. An independent woman sits with confidence and gesture. She is beginning to understand who she is and why she is, and in that reflection shows me who I am. I see provision on her as she sits and types. Often I find her sitting curled up just looking at the world passing us by. As the rest of us pull the blinders down not to notice. beauty missed. We don't have time to enjoy sunsets and passing travelers. But not Johanna, she SEEs life out of eyes filled with beauty. She is hard on herself, but that is because her heart longs to be closer to Him. He has called her to such greatness, to which she has overly proven that seat. He smiles. and watches her dance. for Him.

Her stage presence was different this weekend. She walked with firm feet. She stood tall like the trees of Lebanon. She smiled. And was a bit feisty. Which i liked.

I said the other day that i wanted Hanna's laugh as my "you've got mail" sound. I told Drew that no matter what kind of mood i am in, her laugh WILL make me smile. i think he is now trying to figure out how to make this recording happen ;).

I think beauty is rare in a way. I mean, it IS all around us, lying unnoticed. but when beauty is discovered by beauty....i think this would happen more often if I would remember to keep the shades up.

so....just know Johanna, we are so blessed to have you with us.

I am blessed to jump in the ocean with you

and take walks & talks.

I am blessed to eat with you

and hear your laugh.

I am blessed by your sweet beckoning spirit that reminds me to look deep & keep learning.

I am blessed to watch you love on others,

and be loved.

I am blessed to call you friend.

Hanging with you is like eating superman ice cream with bubble gum pieces.

<3 kat

F Words

i Found myself waking this morning to the need to start the day. i picked up my phone to look at the time and it Fell out of my hands and onto the Floor.

i sighed as my insides told me, today is going to be an F day.

pulling myself out of bed, i moved Forward and downward to pour myself some juice. after which i decided to make a latte. my brother was up...he always makes me laugh. i poured the milk, it was sour. using another gallon i started to steam. half way through it stopped steaming. mid steam. there is nothing worse on a cold morning than luke warm coffee.

F day.

my starbucks brother told me to clean the wand, it had lime i guess, so i Followed instructions and went Forth. an hour later i was sipping a hot latte. i decided to Finish the First project i had to do today. i am sending out shower invites For my sister-in-law, aiko.

i sat to check my email, surf For a Few items on the web to help me with some things and i notice my mail isn't sending. no internet. not sure why. i guess it just decided to not work. so i moved on. what else can you do? the printer.

two hours later i decided i wasn't smarter than the printer, it had won, and i made the call. my personal computer guy isn't like most, he is one of my best Friends, and i am thankful, and grateful, and blessed by him. he Fixed my printer problem in 15 minutes.

with everything printed i started to put it all together, that is when i got up to pee and noticed i had stepped in ajax poop. typically this isn't bad, his poops are hard and small like a ball, but we have been Feeding him greens and i guess they went through him because it was soft, and squishy on the Floor. but i didn't notice until i was out of the bathroom Finding poop on the carpet, wall, and on my shoe. (don't ask how it got on the wall...still not sure)

it was almost Five and i was supposed to go to church with a Friend. i wanted to go, but i had set a few realistic goals (realistic before all the problems) to get done before i left, all of which i could not do (see above). i really didn't have time to go, but i Felt i should, so i wasn't sure what to do. seeing me struggle, kelly and drew told me to not go. so i called my Friend whom i never see and told her i wasn't going to make it. i started to explain, and my call was dropped.

F day.

i threw my phone (very mature i know) and stormed upstairs, slamming my door and collapsing on my bed in tears. i hid under the covers begging the Lord to end the world. nothing. so i got up, told drew i was leaving and took the car. i drove to my Friends church and circled the parking lot until i decided to just go in. i felt 'led'.

she was surprised and that was nice. we settled in to the bible study only to find out the topic was on.....money.

F day.

seriously, did i really need a lesson on right spending when i have been trying to Figure out how i am going to pay my dental bill? the Lord had just provided For me the night before, covering my First appointment, so i thought, i might as well stay. i had to anyway, i didn't want to let down my Friend, and i drove all that way.

the lesson was Fine. the typical things, don't have a credit card, don't be rich, share your money, you are more rich than most in the world, etc etc. then their was worship. there was a moment...breath.

i prayed For Jesus to come back, to which he Failed to do. and so i decided that two hours were enough to let drew worry about me. i asked my Friend to call drew (i left without my phone) to let him know i was stopping for gas and then i would be home. i left.

i decided to take the back roads. i made it to michigan ave. then it went into gear, then out, stuck clutch, pulled over. Deep breaths. the clutch was stuck. it was stuck to the Floor.

F day.

i tried to put the emergency Flashers on. they were broke.

F day! F day!

cars going around me, i put my turn signal on and turned off the car. turn signal off. ok, so i guess the car has to be on for the turn signal to work. so i turn the car back on and walk to the gas station next to where i was parked. i was sure it was closed but it was open. this wasn't the best corner for me to break down on. lots of truckers, scary people. i had no phone.

F day. F day. F day.

i went in and asked the man to use the phone, he pointed to the pay phone.
So...i walked to the pay phone, dead.

i went in and asked the man who could speak no english if i could use the phone. he pointed to another phone, i started walking and praying drew would answer. his number is the only one i have memorized. i felt stupid.

i saw it was only 5o cents to call, so i Found the change and made the call. one ring.....two rings...."hello...wait hold on a second, someone wants to tell you something". if you have called drew, you know what i am talking about. i, through tears, left a message. it was the only number i knew. 203..that is kelly, i think there are more numbers though. 615-517...that one is zito, missing a Few digits. Ryan, 734-516...i think there is a 9 in the next part. why can't i remember phone numbers???? 419..that is kari. 616-669-7662 that one is lou, drew's mom. but she just tried to get new service, so thier phone number that they have had For 20 years is on hold, not working. 989-828-6918. i think that might be my uncle gordon's number..but not For sure. it is something like that though. but truthfully, what is he going to do, he is in shepherd.

F day.

i walked back into the gas station to have another man ask me if i needed help, to which i responded, "no thanks, my husband is coming" ...at least, i hoped he was.

in reality, i only waited For maybe 10 min. but it was long enough For me to beat myself up about all the things that happened to me through out the day. i held in my tears, and in walked drew. i am not sure how long i stood there sobbing, but i have never been so glad to see him. i was helpless.

cops came, kelly and drew pushed the car into a lot and drew is now calling a tow truck and Finding a place to take the car.

i love the boys in my life. they all take care of me in so many ways. i really am the luckiest of women. but please Lord, please let this F day end.

F can stand For so many things. today it was Frustration. although i must admit i thought a Few other F words today too. but when i am in bed tonight, i am going to pray Faithfulness...Faithfulness...Faithfulness.

Hope Lifts

I love my life.

I love the road, and the smells that it brings. I sit and watch the Georgia sunset and wonder how in the world did God bring me to this place? I am so blessed. I must be among the riches of the rich, feeling the presence of the King as He gives and gives his blessings and love to me. I recognize Him in the relationships that I am privileged to partake in. The new ones, and the aged ones. Each has His image, and I see it. How did I get here? I wonder as I ride down this highway and feel the comfortable cushion underneath me. Sipping Dr. Pepper and wondering what tomorrow could possibly hold that would take my breath away more than today. I am loved. I am known. I am held. By Him, the holder of all things. There are things in my life I don't understand, and wish I had, but He hears me. This I know.

I have been thinking much on hope lately, and the danger it brings to my life. The bible tells me that Hope never disappoints. I live and breathe based on what the Word tells me. However, this one is hard to understand. If this Hope that it speaks of means in life, based on eternity, then yes, Hope Never disappoints. I know that I will find my home with Jesus, and long for the day of constant, uninterrupted commune with him and my Father. But if it means no disappointment now, I am lost.

I went to a Hallmark store when we were in MO about a month ago. I never go into that store, but I was bored and looking for a card for someone. As I was walking, I saw these little angel statues. I am sure most of you have seen them. They are wooden and show friends, or mom, dad and kids. But then I saw this one, that sort of struck me. It was a child holding a balloon. He was looking up at the balloon as if he was about to leave the earth. The balloon was made of wire and written in it was the word, "Hope".

It was entitled "Hope Lifts Us Up".

Hope lifts. It said something to me. I just stood there staring at it. And crying. I forced myself to think about the children my heart longs for. I have prayed and tried for so long to have a child of my own. And it seems that every time I see one, something in me yearns, longs, exasperates for it. Timing. I know. I have heard the sermon. Tell "wait" to my heart one more time and it will laugh. Wait is tattooed on the outside of my heart and has been there so long it feels like home. And that is where Hope knocks. He is like a kid playing a trick on my heart. You know the trick, there is a knock on the door and you go to see who it is, but when you open the door, no one is there. And when you close the door, there is another knock. I find myself playing this game with Hope month after month, year after year. And I cant help but fall for it's trickery. I MUST open the door. Every time I come to the conclusion that this time I will not answer, I see something in the window. A moment, then hidden. Brown eyes, brown hair. That smile. A child playing tricks. knocking, then running away with jumps and giggles. I must answer. I must open the door to Hope. It isn't disappointing, that is the wrong word. Hope is hidden.

I visited my sister last week. On the drive there I was thinking and praying about this Hope that bugs me so much. I was thinking of that little statue that struck my heart that day in MO. Hope lifts...Hope lifts.... I thought of calling Drew and telling him that I liked it, I knew if I told him I liked it, that he would buy it for me. He spoils me like that. But then I thought, no, I don't really need it, and I just kept driving and continued praying about the things in my life.

I had a great visit with my sister and nephews. I hadn't seen them since Christmas (way too long) and the visit was priceless to me. It was almost time for me to leave and my sister was showing me some cards she had just received in the mail from friends (she makes cards and sells them to raise money for the adoption of their little girl in China. Kariscards.org). Then she said, "Oh! I got this for you. I went into this store for no reason really, and I saw this and felt like you should have it".




He heard me. He hears me.


I am not content with living facing forward. My gaze must always be different than the most. It must look past the obvious, and into the Promise. It must look up. That is where my home is. That is where I see Hope. That is when it Lifts.

Hope falls from the sky

There are days when i listen to my friends who write music and i get so jealous of them. I wish i could articulate the feelings of my heart in music. There are moments i am given tunes to carry with me, but the words come from a different place. they flow freely and I can't wrap them into a verse or chorus.

I listen to all of my favorite groups, and wonder how they can all write so well, yet give the same message. I mean, it is all about life, and no one has life figured out yet, or ever. We stumble, we sink, we are rude, or even mean. But we live. And all of my friends that are on a quest to the REAL Jesus are just trying to do their best. I guess sometimes i just wish i didn't know i had a choice. I wish i had to believe what my parents taught me, or what i learned in Sunday school. But even then, those things are so skewed. I memorized I Corinthians 13 when I was in 8th grade. We all took a verse or two and recited it for the whole congregation. They were just words, like the Pledge of Allegiance, said without meaning, without conviction. The passion comes in understanding.

I feel the world is getting confused. I hate looking through magazines anymore, everyone wanting something, everyone has a statement. Rob Bell speaks the words of GOD. ... Maybe he does.

But my heart begins to think that Jesus is becoming, hidden. He isn't out there anymore. He isn't understood. You just can't put him in a box anymore, or qualify him as this way or that. Now, all of a sudden, you have to KNOW him. But can Jesus be everything to everyone? Can he be the man who blesses the rich and sleeps with the poor? Can he be solemn and a rebel? Traditional and Contemporary? Isn't he the same guy as yesterday, today, and forever? Then who is he? Is he just who i make him to be? Is he just who i want him to be?

I realize I am only 33. I know i will never have the answers to the questions of life. But i long to know this Saviour of mine. There are times where i do feel i have met him. He has touched me, my face, my cheek. He has danced with me in sorrow, literally. He has given me the pearl ring to wear, as his. I have encountered a Jesus. my Jesus. He loves. He directs. He waits. He laughs. He longs. He sits in the rain under a tree with me, getting dirty, being washed clean. and in the morning, we walk. again.

I don't see this man very often. Not for lack of trying, but the world gets in my way. decisions (some I make monsters out of), are to be made.

My vision has not left me. I still see times past. I can not see into the future, i don't know what it looks like, or how it will feel. I think it will hurt. i think it will love. sometimes it makes me tired. sometimes it makes me cry. and then hope falls from the sky reminding me that he is coming. that he is here even now. I smile knowing that he is here, somewhere. even with me.

Catching up

Here I am sitting on my couch and drinking a cup of beautiful french pressed coffee made by my one and only drew. The week has flown by once again, even though we are at the hump, but i feel pretty organized about what I am to do. I have been trying to get organized so I know what i need to do, and when i need to do it. I have been busy doing everything from dishes to cooking, to meetings, to a bit of the tv watching. We have "cable" now, which basically means we don't have to squint to watch LOST now. (which tonight, it was AWESOME!) So, that is the update.

God is doing lots of things in my life. too many to sort out right now while i watch the last episode of Sex In The City. Somehow that show just hooked me. It is the thought of having close friends like the girls on that show. I am beginning to understand that not many people are blessed to have even one good friend, and i have so many. Most of you who read this blog are my closest of the close. It is amazing how blessed i have been. I think sometimes about the things i wish i had, but then, compared to the closeness in spirit I have been given, I remember, I am blessed.

I am loved, and there is no greater thing.

frustration

for the record--i hate all printers.

10 days

There are times in life when you look back on 10 days and wonder how I could have been so blind. Yet, i guess i couldn't have known what God was going to do. But maybe I should have trusted Him a bit more.

I wasn't looking forward to the things that were going to happen on this past trip of 10 days. I remember having a horrible attitude, yet feeling happy to be on the road. Some days, while i am in the midst of my selfishness, i long to just keep traveling with out stops. Feeling comfortable in my sheltered home. But from the first stop, setting up our sound at Byron's church, things started to seem..different.

We stayed with people this past week, who were so giving. they not only let us stay in their home, but gave us a vehicle to use the entire week, let us hook our bus up to their house, fed us everyday, gave us stuff, and just blessed us with conversations over hot tubs and guitars. It was just a blessing, and I found myself still with a bad attitude, but feeling grateful in the midst of it.

I must say, i wasn't looking forward to the CIY meetings, the OTB meetings, or the Birthright project that we were to perform on Friday. There were lots of people to talk to, and much to achomplish, and i just felt tired. You know, that tiredness you get when your spirit just feels spiteful. But every place God took me, he would bless me over and over. We received a donation this past week. $5000. We needed money to pay our health insurance and it couldn't have come at a better time. We are still without pay however, but i know God will provide. He is so good to us.

CIY was great to us too. They were really coming to us wanting a fresh look at things. I found that something i couldn't be mad at. It's not that i don't like CIY, but I just felt crappy about the whole thing. can't really say why. It felt strange being there, but they blessed us. And i felt stupid when i left, trying to weigh through my personal feelings and bad mood, and what God actually wanted me to take away from that.

The rest of the week was the same way. God sending words, time, and people to bless me. It was amazing to watch Him bless me dispite my attitude. Then there was Birthright. Drew was so in tune during the rehearsals. He was in his element for sure. He directed and worked on the flats, and was a key person in the rehearsals and how it tycnically went together. even though i didn't see him much, it was great to watch him enjoying his work. It reminded me of how we each have our own place. like i loved writing Birthright. I don't mind performing it, but directing? not my thing really. But drew not only was good at it, he LOVED it. He loved having a goal and reaching that goal.

Once Birthright started, I could feel God's presence there, and I was thankful. The program went great. there were a few glitches, but over all, it was so Spirit filled. During each piece I looked out across the audience to watch people respond with laughter, agreement, and tears. When we started communion, almost every person who was in my line was crying. It was so touching. I didn't realize what this program would do to people. But it moved them. In deep ways. One woman told me afterwards she had never worshipped that way before. another told me she knew God wanted her to come to this conference for something, and she had the most intimate moment with Him that she had ever had. Birthright. I would have never guessed it. But i had the priviledge to watch God reveal my vision for Birthright. Many things happened the exact way I had envisioned them when we wrote Birthright. I woke up Saturday morning knowing my drama conference experience wasn't over yet, just feeling thankful. I cried as i opened my eyes to a new morning of realization that God had been blessing me for the past 7 days. He loves me. and even in the midst of my ornery attitude, He blesses. Just like the Isrealites. I constantly find myself relating to them. I hate that, but it is true.

the blessings weren't over though, we were previledged to perform drama during the conference and everyone seemed to love our new way of performing. Most of the drama's at the conference are what you would normally see during a church service. They were a bit churchy. Not that it is bad, but it is just different from what we do. It just felt good to be accepted.

We left there and headed to Carthage MO where we set up (late) and spent the night in the bus. We were all really tired, but got up the next day to perform at the Sunday morning service. We had to teach a class though and we weren't really sure what to do. But it all worked out well, as it always does and the congregation loved our drama's. it was a crazy show because most of the audience were older people. uh..i think drew calls them geriatrics. But they were great and even loved our drums. :)

at any rate, i didn't really mean for this entry to be a play by play of my ten days, but rather a glimps of how God worked despite my humanness.

We are on our way home now. It was laura's last trip which i have been avoiding the thought of not having her. She will be missed. And i fear not having her around. things will seem empty, but God will fill the voids. It has been a great 10 days. and I pray the next 10 (dispite my not wanting to be at home) are filled with even more blessings from the Lord.

Two Roads

There are two roads from which i get to choose to go down. one to the right, and one to the left. I believe each will get me to my destination, they look a lot alike really, trees, green, the paths are similar. does it matter which one i take? they both seem to be bending the same, but i am not sure which one to go pick.

On this hike, we looked for a min, and started walking in one direction. I think it was the rigth, or was it the left? It didn't matter because eventually they came together. But that initial step, that choice, i just made it with no fear. I just realized if it sent me a wrong way, i could turn around and take the other road. it would be more work, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.


choices. Sometimes we put so much weight on which way to go, that we never move. We remain and there we die. or at least grow tired. I have watched many of my friends burrow into that place of non-decision. Over where to work, where to live, what car to buy. Months, even years pass without a decision being made.

It is a risk to choose one over the other because we have no idea where it leads. Or what is waiting for us on the other side. But one thing is for sure, it can't be any worse then just standing here wondering which way is best. I guess i just want peace about my decisions in life. i don't want to walk in the way of confusion or wonder. God brings peace. He offers it, gives it. May He bless my choice no matter which way i choose to go.

And maybe I am to choose one path for now, and later be moved to another. Maybe what i am feeling is a journey of places. In that one place doesn't feel any more right than the other. They both feel equally strange. Maybe we are to go to the right, but to later meet up with the left. So knowing that, in my spirit, I feel a bit more settled. Transitions. They are temporary. If we don't like a place, we move again. Maybe we need to just move and then we will understand more of where we are supposed to be? If we take the initial step, the doors might open, and leading will come forth.

I guess moving towards one path doesn't mean that is the last path. Maybe it just means I am moving again. Someone just told me,"any movement is forward movement.". Maybe that is the case.

ah the russians..

"..and that is how we solved Russian Communism."

i wake up to my radio alarm. It was on npr this morning and this is what i heard before pushing the button, smiling and drifting back to sleep for 10 more winks. someone else is at work on that communism issue...i knew it was going to be a good day.

my stick shift

I have recently learned (again) how to drive a stick shift. My husband and I were blessed to be given a 2001 Subaru. It is in great shape, and we were so excited about getting it. It came in perfect time as our other two vehicles were dying. My husband told me all of the fancy features from a cd player to butt warmers. I was so excited to start driving this blessing. It is the first nice car we will own. I pictured myself driving to our local Target in style, with my warm bottom cheeks. And then he told me the bad news, it is a stick shift. This is the worst news ever. Rust I could handle, no radio would be hard, but I would deal with that, but a stick shift! My spirits and dreams started to sink down. My trips to Target were now filled with my husband in the drivers seat. This isn't bad, but now I am on his schedule, and alone time will be harder. I had a decision to make, spend every day, all day at home, or learn to drive the trecherous stick shift.

We were meeting friends and my husband was riding with others, the only way I could get to the restaurant was if I drove our car. I looked at it in the parking lot mocking me. I wondered what the car would look like after it's first trip with me. And then I wondered what the other car would look like, you know, the one I will hit. But I pulled myself out of these thoughts and I decided it was time, and got in to start it. Much to my suprise, it started the first time! Now reverse, then first gear..stop sign...first gear...stop sign..speed bump (took that a bit to fast!) and out of the drive way! I was so excited to be on the road without any stallings. First gear, second gear, fifth gear, uh, wait, what's that noise?! I went from second gear to fifth and somehow stalled the car. I pulled over on the side of the road, cars racing by, my adrenaline pumping and my nerves out of control. "I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS!" I yelled through my tears and fear. I stared the car up again, and drove it to my destination. I made it fine. It was rush hour, and i was very nervous. When i got out of the car, I hoped I never had to drive it again.

But i knew if I ever wanted to go anywhere, I would have to get in that seat once more. The next time I did, was the week before Christmas. Traffic was super bad, and I stalled it a million times. I cried. I stopped, took a breather, ate some chicken wings, and got back in the drivers seat. The thing is, I had no choice. I had to get back in if I wanted to get home. My life is much like this 2001 Subaru.

Everyday I wake up wondering how I am going to make it one more day. I look at the big picture of the ministry I am in, and my bills piling up, and my friendships and family, and I wonder how it is going to work out. How is it going to be ok? I suddenly get that feeling in my stomach. The one that is much like butterflies, but evil ones. It hurts and eventually eats away at the lining in your stomach. I stop, cry and take a breather. "One day at a time, one hour, one minute", is the phrase I tell myself. That is how I live. That is how I get rid of those evil butterflies in my stomach. Trusting that God will kill every one of them with His promise to take care of me. And I DO love Him, but it is in all of this jerking and gear shifting and even stalling that I get confused and want to stop driving all together. But I can't really. Because I have to keep going, if I want to get home.

kaleidoscope

i love kaleidoscopes. My mother used to collect them before she pasted away. I have her collection now. She only had a few, but i love looking at them. Each one is so unique and makes its own pattern. When you turn the dial, shapes and colors collide and create new creations of beauty and my eyes never grow tired of these changes.

When i look at my own life, I wonder why it is that I hate change. Change was happening so much in my life this past year, it seemed I couldn't keep up, and I hated it. But now that changing has slowed down, I don't like where it has stopped. I am at the place in the ferris wheel where you are almost done, getting off the ride, but not quite. So you suspend in air and the view isn't that good, and you can't touch the ground yet, so you just dangle and wait. I am dangling and waiting. Holding my breath for the next change. And understanding that there are more colorful patterns to see.

random thoughts while waiting

There is something about this area. Have I convinced myself of it? Do I feel, really feel different when I am here? As we step off the bus I get stepped on, weighted down. Oppression. I need to feel free. I need to feel awake and alive. The longer I stay, the worse it gets. How do i step past these happenings in my life? Where do I go to get the magic pill of freedom? Will I be different in a different city? Could life be better? I don't even know how I would get there. This is how people get stuck. I need to be unstuck. What can we do to be alive again? Is this all there was? I know once I am in sight of the stage, the people...I soar.

I wouldn't see myself as an encourager, yet I encourage. There is something about truth that draws people out of our present state and leaves us begging for more. We were created for righteousness. So when we see it, without understanding or knowing what is happening, we long to be corrected. We want to be right. As much as our selves fight to be right alwyas, (even if we are wrong) we long, need, want to be right in the most right way. In the most pure form of right-ness. Righteousness. So, we live our lives as best we can whle looking for ways to become or improve our righteousness. When we find these pieces of treasure (sometimes they look like a whole chocolate cake, sometimes like a small piece of baklava-both delicious!) we savour it, make it a part of ourselves and then look for more.

I have found these people, prophets, these righteous words are in such things as sermons, magazines, art, people, books, nature. Because God can speak anywhere, and at any time. We don't know where we will find these random treasures, so we must always be looking for these treasures of correction. Ready to receive.

20% left.

i feel myself sinking down...fading back. Everyday I can feel this force working against me and my family and friends. I can't put my finger on it, but depression is setting in.

The things of religion do not make sense to me. i know God has provided for me, and continues to, but must I beg for provision? is this the life He longed for His kingdom children to have? Where did i go wrong in this life of sacrifice? How did I back myself into this corner of starvation...my mind growing still with each day pressing in. I don't understand it. Why suffer through? Why drop thousands of tears? What are they for?

Life proves itself to me, mocking me, taunting me into believing these are the reasons I don't have a child. How could i handle it if I had a baby? My house is a wreck even with endless cleaning. My walls are full, and even with my vision of providing safe places for others to stay, nothing points towards goodness anymore.

i get lost.

Looking forward seems promising, but i just read last years Christmas letter telling me that 2005 was looking up! "We have a good feeling about this year..", I proclaimed. And then i realized...i say that every year. I did have a good feeling about 2006 until i read that letter. now....

what is there when certain things become uncertain? the promises we made mean nothing in the eyes of difficulty and they are easily brushed aside for OUR needs to be met. Yet, who wants to live a life of constant difficulty? Do we deserve more? Where is this freedom He promises?

unsure of my move, I look at the board. starring...wondering...how is this one going to work?

God does work. He knows His move before He looks and only moves it when the other is ready to crack. We think we know, but we don't. But why, why so many tears? What does that mean?

I would like to ease my mind of the complications of my heart. I try to make a list of needs in order for that to happen...it doesn't work like that. Seeing this list being fulfilled as i watch myself step away from His hand and into my own. I DO need Him. I don't know how to Need Him. I don't know what to need Him in.

My emotions are getting the best of me this week. So many memories, so many issues, pain, laughter, accusation, guilt, as a tear rolls down my grandmothers cheek showing her love for my mother...and for me. How do I take that??? where do i put it? please tell me how to compartmentalize these resurrected thoughts. seeing through the eyes once more of a 15 year old. Broken cars and nights with out a father. disrespect. tenderness looking deep. playing favorites and holding hands. I cant stand this past I live from. I can hardly even look into the future anymore. things i once saw seem to disappear, fizzling out slowly over time.

i don't want a normal job. i want to help people. i feel called to otb, but i don't feel called to this money struggle. My good friend just told me now that her husband is working, they are getting along great. is that what it takes??? money???? I am too stressed to give a loving glance. i get up every day starring at the time on my ceiling watching it pass, wondering if i have to get up again to face more disappointments. There are good things you know. smiles all around. eden. she is here, and her hugs are worth a thousand years in rent. food, given by family. hugs from a friend. laughter from the simpsons. my rice cooker. But as i was talking with a friend today...these things that fill my void, just seem so temporary. And the heaviness i feel is just waiting for me at the table. It is where i eat. hopelessness. I hate it.

Some one told me recently that hope lies in the redeeming love of Jesus. That he can take any situation and turn it around for the glory of God. I am still eating sand and waiting for my miracle, my turn around, my redemption.

Maybe i over estimated my strength the day the Lord asked me how far I would go for Him. Maybe i thought i was some sort of super hero ready to give up all for the sake of Christ. At times I feel i am...but how do i put that in my current situation. I am under slept, and over thought. Where and when would I get a second job? This 'happy holiday' season is impossible. Give up my life? sure. Give up Starbucks? do i have to?

I am spoiled in many ways. Living in this world that I have surrounded myself with where 50 percent of my friends own an ipod of some sort. Many have the newest technology in phones, computers, psp's, you name it. I am happy with the hand me downs. (seriously) and i enjoy my 4 dollar cup of coffee every once in awhile. But I am missing something. Something is not right. For some reason the gates are being held shut and I don't understand it.

i have to get out of here. this place is suffocating me. I can not think straight and my vision is blurred. I am shutting down.

it doesn't make any sense....it's too much for me...my heart is turning...yet somewhere in there is a spark of hope for tomorrow.

Princess

I sit here in the colored lit room staring at the Christmas tree while listening to the football game. But there is another noise begging for my attention. only two feet away from me is a gerbil named Princess. Princess is desperate to get out of her cage.

She lives in a glass fish tank and has only a wooden bridge like structure to climb on. But for the past few hours she has frantically been trying to get out of her cage. She hung from the top by her teeth, and even after receiving food and water she tries to climb her way out by using the glass. She gets nowhere and i wonder where her hope lies. Why does she continue? I wonder what makes her long for freedom so much that she will forever try to get out.

Personally, I am having a hard time not letting her out. Her hope should be fulfilled, and not disappointed. I just found out that all gerbils do this behavior. Which tells me two things, I will never have one, and they all should be free.

I watch Princess and feel her pain. Trying so hard to be free, longing to move on with your life and so badly wanting a family. She slows now...probably getting tired. And so am I.

we are many

Everyone has their own world they live in, it is just amazing to me at times how those worlds live so close to one another.

I was able to go out tonight with a good friend who talked to me about how she feels left out at times. That life sometimes gets her down because she doesn't feel included in things that someone should be included on. I even sat next to her as she listened to someone remind her that she and her family was, well, left out. I couldn't believe it, and I wanted to cry for her. That reminded me of the other girl I spent the evening with. She was telling me how she hated parties, and the reason was because she felt left out. My words, not hers, but she said she didn't really relate to people at parties. They were usually in a different place than she is.

We talked about how sometimes we just feel like not going out anywhere and staying at home, in hiding. Sometimes it is just easier than facing the things in our lives that we are constantly reminded of. Easier, but probably not better.

As i drove home I started thinking about this idea about the left outs, and how i was so preoccupied with listening to other people tell me they were having a hard time with those feelings, that I, for once, forgot that I too feel left out. There is a group I am not allowed into. And I thought how strange it is that we are really oblivious to those around us who are feeling like outcasts. Some one wrote me an email today and the last thing she told me was that most of the time she feels alone. That just made me wonder if we all sort of feel like that. We look at ourselves and feel like we don't belong into certain groups, whether it be family, or status, or stages of life. But really, we all belong to a group. The group of the unbelonged. We can never belong to everything, we will never be apart of every group. So maybe instead of always trying to get into the next group, we should instead try to push through our loneliness and love those we do have, remembering in a world full of loneliness, we are many.

closer

some things you hold so close to your heart that it is dangerous. I have conditioned myself to think of the things i hold dearest to my heart and hold them away at arms length. My mothers locket, given to me when I turned 16. My bible, falling apart, filled with years of struggle and triumph. My fathers leather jacket, never to be worn again because it isn't real leather and it has gotten hard, and torn. I used to have my fathers belt, but i was an idiot in college and lent it to someone who lost it. My diamond, given to me by my beloved, meant as a promise of faithfulness and love. The only card I have of my mothers, in her hand writing she tells me I am strong and she believes in me and is always with me. Post cards from around the world. These things, and many others I have seen go up in flames in a house fire. I have seen them get lost over the years, stolen by a burglar. Over and over I have thought about the fact that I might lose one of them sometime. It is a reality that could happen. But that doesn't stop me from reading them, from loving them. From wanting them to stay with me. They are so dear to me.

Then i thought about people. What happens when I let people get that close, or even closer to my heart than those items of the past? What if they are taken from me? It is strange that I feel I have had to endure time after time losing friendships, or family. I hate it. But there is something in my heart that longs for it even more. I can't stop loving. I can't stop wanting more. I love to give away my heart, even with the possibility of it getting a bit bruised. Because there is nothing worse than having a clean, spotless, un-tattered, protected heart. So even though it hurts, I give it out once more...

All things

As i sit here at the library and work on the new dvd book, while listening to the old gentleman across from me breath, I think, 'all things are coming to an end.'.

This was my thought earlier today as i looked back at the trees that once stood me in awe and now seem, sad. Death is coming. The leaves will fall and regenerate into the earth, while i sit and drink my newly attended decaf coffee. I know with life, all things change. there are seasons after seasons, but i have a feeling this one is different for me in some way. I feel more in touch with my emotions than a year ago when i wondered if God was still alive, and if He was, why was he punishing me. I am realizing I am a part of my surroundings, yes, but I am not the center. This sinful nature of mine that demands MY attention always clamoring for me to feed it, is hard to fight. But i get glimpses of hope. ugh, not that word that haunts my soul month after month, but it is true. Something is changing. Is it the world? this earth? the weather? my friends? or, could it just be me?

i don't mean for this to sound morbid really, although i am realizing it somewhat does. Things coming to an end, can sometimes be good. Turning that corner which we have been staring at for years can seem like a fresh breath of air. Finally on a different path, the same, yet different.

I have had a headache all day today. I think i am acquiring an allergy to red wine. i know, i know, i can't believe it either. But this is the third time i have tried it and have moments later gotten a migraine. The wine was good, but not worth it, i assure you. It has been pounding me all day. I have taken medication, drank O-J, took my vitamins. I even had drew use the massager on my back, but still I couldn't convince it to leave. But as I sit here at the library and work on the new dvd book, while listening to the old gentleman across from me breath, i think, 'all things are coming to an end.' and my head ache is almost gone.

the last hurrah

Fall Sight

I love the fall.

The trees have been at their prime color for over a week now. Which in a way makes me feel sad because i know their time is coming quickly and they will soon be bare; a harsh reminder that winter is at the door. Every time i get in the car to go anywhere, i see these bright colors on the trees and am just wowed by them. I tell anyone in the car, "do you see those colors? They are so beautiful!" But the response was always, "oh, yeah, they look nice". NICE? I understood they didn't see what I was seeing. What i saw was a burst of emotion, one last yearn for attention before sleep sets in. It reminds me of when Eden has to take a nap. She is put in her crib, and covered up. 'Night, night's' are said and we close the door. Ten seconds later we hear her jumping on her mattress. We start laughing, she is not sleeping, not even close. But after laura goes in to remind her this is nap time, and then a few more jumps for good measure, she lays down and sleeps. The last hurrah.

I was writing a friend the other day talking about the frustrations of being the only person who sees something. We can try to get others to see what we see, but our words always fall short of their ear, as their vision seems..covered. Then, when we least expect it, it happens.

"Wow! Look at the color of those trees!" was exclaimed by Drew as we drove past the most beautiful tree line covered with reds, yellows, greens, oranges, and browns. I thought, "yeah, it's been that way for a week. But I am glad you finally see it." There is something about that moment of ah hah! It feels so complete, so bright. And it makes me want to dance in a stream of "Yes!".

ew..ew..ew...AHHHHH!!!

it is official..i have found the thing that can destroy me. You know, Superman has the green kryptonite, the Samson had his hair, but mine...is the maggot. drew says it wasn't a maggot, but just a meal worm, one that is in corn or wheat. I still say it doesn't matter. both make me sick, like literally right now i have puke in my throat, and i feel worms on my head like they are falling on from the ceiling.

we found a million of them in our pantry tonight and i can't stand it. Drew is my hero. superhero even. except when he yelled out because he said while killing them they popped. I begged for no more info as i could hardly stand from discust. worms. in my kitchen. on my food. in the oatmeal. clinging to the lids of my plastic containers.

everything got thrown out. which sucks because we are entering the month of no money. I guess God really wanted to prove He is faithful. I just cant stop thinking about it... i can't imagine one little worm in my cereal, in my tortilla chips or crawling....ok thats all i can say for now. i am going to go puke.

lack of motivation

So i figured it out. It isn't that i don't have one moment, but it is that i don't have any motivation. I sit here looking at this blank page.....with not a word to speak, uh..write. but i can say that i have been playing the guitar these past few days. I was supposed to spend some time with my sister, whom i miss very much. but all of that fell through and i got depressed and cleaned my kitchen instead. Very exciting things happening in my life. But i am in Pheonix AZ and had to explain tonight why i don't have children when laura is on her second and everyone around me are either done, or working on number 3 or 4. Very frustrating trying to come up with an explaination when there is none. I mean seriously, how do you explain life? Explain why the hurricane hit. It is impossible, yet people spend hours and even years trying to make some sense of it. wasted time. There just isn't any reason. It is just life. and some times it just sucks.

and yes, i know it gets better. and worse. that is life.

one

just one minute to write.

one hour.

one day.

one to catch up.

one.