Peeling away piece by piece to get to the raw goodness of it all.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
memorial day...
"This is the day to remember and through tears I write this entry. I sit here not knowing if I should stay in the kitchen or run to sit next to adam. I can hear him crying as he remembers the dreams he had last night. Last night he started saying, "Jake! Jake! Watch Out!". He woke up remembering only one thing about his former best friend-the day he died in a car crash. He doesn't remember anything else about him. As I sit here with my heart breaking, I think how unfair it is that Adam lost his memory a few days ago and continues to struggle to get it back and remember the people he loves. He cries because on this day while people are off work having picnics in the park-not using the day to remember anything that people have done for us-adam cries because all he wants to do is remember, and he can't."
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
the rain. and daisy.
it is raining today.
i watched driving miss daisy with drew and adam. its sad, in case you didn't know.
not the boys are picking out music for adam to play at his funeral.
i can't stop thinking. i dreamed last night that i cried 5 tears onto adam's hand. they were long tears, i watched them drop from my eye to his hand and 5 of them covered the back of it. they all glistened like diamonds for some reason.
i guess with rain, daisy, funeral songs and dreams it is hard to carry a smile today.
but there is always something to look forward to...mexican for dinner tonight.
i watched driving miss daisy with drew and adam. its sad, in case you didn't know.
not the boys are picking out music for adam to play at his funeral.
i can't stop thinking. i dreamed last night that i cried 5 tears onto adam's hand. they were long tears, i watched them drop from my eye to his hand and 5 of them covered the back of it. they all glistened like diamonds for some reason.
i guess with rain, daisy, funeral songs and dreams it is hard to carry a smile today.
but there is always something to look forward to...mexican for dinner tonight.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
it was a rough one...
I wonder.
It is late and I am up from drinking coffee. I have felt a strange feeling these past 2 weeks. I have actually had a large range of feelings. I was sick until about 2 days ago. Actually, today is the first day I feel normal, having only blown my nose ONE time!!! You can't imagine how great that feels after going through 3 boxes of Kleenex in the last few weeks. So being sick makes me feel, mad. I hate being sick. It's such a waste of time. In some ways I feel I have wasted 2 weeks of my life. I have been living in this fog where I can't hear anything (just last night laura kept telling me to talk quieter because I was talking so loud), can't speak right (it takes so much effort with mucus in your throat), and I just wanted to go to bed. So, that's what I did a bunch.
But, feeling this way these past few weeks wasn't properly timed. We visited friends from growing up, friends from old otb days, aunts, cousins, old friends, new friends, college buddies, and all of those in 2 weeks. We are ready for a break. But our show next week was canceled which actually sucks because we wont get money now. grrr.. round and round we go.
Ryan and I were talking today about how frustrating our last show was. It was by far the most frustrating show we have had in over a year. The building was awesome. The game room had great art, a small skate park, ipod with music to listen to, a computer lab (where most of the kids, well, all of the kids were on myspace), DDR, basketball courts, food court, pool, and places to just hang out. What more could kids want these days? It was sad. Jesus was not to be seen. However, a security guard was. He was standing by the door to make sure these kids didn't get out of hand I guess. As the jr. highers settled in they were excited, and I was too, I thought, "these kids are really going to got God tonight. They are excited and ready to receive a word from Him!". I couldn't have been more wrong. From the first moment we stepped on the stage it was, well, battle. The fight was on. They talked, got out of their seats, mocked, laughed (and not at the laugh parts), and wouldn't sit still enough to even give God a chance to speak. The adults in the room did their best to "manage" the crowd as they would every once in awhile walk up and shush a kid or two. I wanted to stop the show. I almost did. It was the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. I understand the idea of wanting to be seeker sensitive, but when it is at the cost of JESUS, or teaching ANYTHING to these kids, what's the point? They were not only clueless about the bible, Jesus and spiritual anything, they were rude. We did the conforming cross skit and when Jesus stood at the front of the stage one kid stood up and copied him. This is a sweet thing, and has happened at several shows. But what happened next was, a mockery. In the skit Laura comes up and forms Jesus to herself. So as she did this all of the kids copied her, copied Jesus. So they all acted silly which created laughter and talking, and when Laura pushed Jesus over, all of the kids fell. ugh. They proceeded to do the same when Drew did his part.
Have you ever had one of those dreams that are so messed up that they can't possibly be real? yup, that was last night. But, it was real. I kept saying, "this can't be real".
The funny thing was, that morning I had woke up and had a rough night of sleep because I was dreaming that I was dreaming and waking up. Then in my dream I would fall back asleep and wake up again. By the time I actually did wake up, I wasn't sure I actually was awake. Now that I'm thinking about it, I am not sure last night really happened. Was it a dream?
i wish.
The other strange thing was I had just read this scripture: "How terrible for you, teachers of the law adn Pharisees! You are hypocrites! You wash teh outside of your cups and dishes, but inside they are full of thigngs you got by cheating others adn by pleasing only yourselves. Pharisees, you are blind! First make the INSIDE of the cup clean, and then the outside of the cup can truly be clean....People look at you and think you are good, but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and evil."
Coincidence? I don't think so. It's not that I thought the leadership of this church was full of evil or anything, I just feel in the midst of trying to do a good thing, they left out the most important part. They feel in order for people to be attracted to Jesus, you have to create a flashy, mtv world. They couldn't be more wrong.
Ryan was telling me how he hates mega churches. Mostly because he hates how they spend their money. He understands having a good sound system, but some of these churches pay thousand of dollars to have professional sound equipment that they don't even need. He said the church building we just left probably cost millions of dollars to build. Then he wondered why the Christians in this country feel the need to spend money that way when Jesus didn't say anything about how to build our buildings or make them seeker friendly. But Jesus did say feed the hungry. He said it makes him sick to know that much money went into buying computers so kids could access myspace when across town someone can't pay the electric bill. I must admit, it is a tough one.
Everyone wants to be apart of something BIG, tangible, something we can be proud of. We struggle with that even within this ministry. Even after 13 years of ministry, at times we feel like, "what have we done?". Mostly because you can't look at this huge building to show what we have built. We have no walls to display our certificates of appreciation, we have no desks to put our important papers, we don't even have a uniform to display our gold medals. We have, nothing. And isn't that what we said we wanted? ALL glory to God. ugh. Yet, we have a need to feel important, like we accomplished something. We receive words, notes, testimonies from students and adults alike telling us how God has changed them though the ministry we are committed to. Yet, I can't put that on my wall. I can't open my wallet and show it to a stranger. I have to admit I still don't own a house. I still don't get paid monthly. I wonder where my Christmas fund will come from and TODAY drew and I bought our first couch. So when I get home, and sit on my new fancy couch will I feel "accomplished"? I doubt it. The only way I will feel proud, fulfilled, complete, is to walk with Him. To see a vision of things beyond tangiblity. I heard someone say a lot of people want to go to Heaven because it's going to be so great. Streets of gold, a mansion for us! But then he asked, 'what if you get there and there are just dirt roads and a shack'? Something inside of me knew I was missing the mark.... Jesus. A closer walk with Him.
There is to much in this country. We are missing Jesus. Our churches are making it impossible to hear the Lord. We are (with good intentions) making it harder for the next generation to even hear His voice, let alone see His face. Oh Lord, come quickly.
It is late and I am up from drinking coffee. I have felt a strange feeling these past 2 weeks. I have actually had a large range of feelings. I was sick until about 2 days ago. Actually, today is the first day I feel normal, having only blown my nose ONE time!!! You can't imagine how great that feels after going through 3 boxes of Kleenex in the last few weeks. So being sick makes me feel, mad. I hate being sick. It's such a waste of time. In some ways I feel I have wasted 2 weeks of my life. I have been living in this fog where I can't hear anything (just last night laura kept telling me to talk quieter because I was talking so loud), can't speak right (it takes so much effort with mucus in your throat), and I just wanted to go to bed. So, that's what I did a bunch.
But, feeling this way these past few weeks wasn't properly timed. We visited friends from growing up, friends from old otb days, aunts, cousins, old friends, new friends, college buddies, and all of those in 2 weeks. We are ready for a break. But our show next week was canceled which actually sucks because we wont get money now. grrr.. round and round we go.
Ryan and I were talking today about how frustrating our last show was. It was by far the most frustrating show we have had in over a year. The building was awesome. The game room had great art, a small skate park, ipod with music to listen to, a computer lab (where most of the kids, well, all of the kids were on myspace), DDR, basketball courts, food court, pool, and places to just hang out. What more could kids want these days? It was sad. Jesus was not to be seen. However, a security guard was. He was standing by the door to make sure these kids didn't get out of hand I guess. As the jr. highers settled in they were excited, and I was too, I thought, "these kids are really going to got God tonight. They are excited and ready to receive a word from Him!". I couldn't have been more wrong. From the first moment we stepped on the stage it was, well, battle. The fight was on. They talked, got out of their seats, mocked, laughed (and not at the laugh parts), and wouldn't sit still enough to even give God a chance to speak. The adults in the room did their best to "manage" the crowd as they would every once in awhile walk up and shush a kid or two. I wanted to stop the show. I almost did. It was the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. I understand the idea of wanting to be seeker sensitive, but when it is at the cost of JESUS, or teaching ANYTHING to these kids, what's the point? They were not only clueless about the bible, Jesus and spiritual anything, they were rude. We did the conforming cross skit and when Jesus stood at the front of the stage one kid stood up and copied him. This is a sweet thing, and has happened at several shows. But what happened next was, a mockery. In the skit Laura comes up and forms Jesus to herself. So as she did this all of the kids copied her, copied Jesus. So they all acted silly which created laughter and talking, and when Laura pushed Jesus over, all of the kids fell. ugh. They proceeded to do the same when Drew did his part.
Have you ever had one of those dreams that are so messed up that they can't possibly be real? yup, that was last night. But, it was real. I kept saying, "this can't be real".
The funny thing was, that morning I had woke up and had a rough night of sleep because I was dreaming that I was dreaming and waking up. Then in my dream I would fall back asleep and wake up again. By the time I actually did wake up, I wasn't sure I actually was awake. Now that I'm thinking about it, I am not sure last night really happened. Was it a dream?
i wish.
The other strange thing was I had just read this scripture: "How terrible for you, teachers of the law adn Pharisees! You are hypocrites! You wash teh outside of your cups and dishes, but inside they are full of thigngs you got by cheating others adn by pleasing only yourselves. Pharisees, you are blind! First make the INSIDE of the cup clean, and then the outside of the cup can truly be clean....People look at you and think you are good, but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and evil."
Coincidence? I don't think so. It's not that I thought the leadership of this church was full of evil or anything, I just feel in the midst of trying to do a good thing, they left out the most important part. They feel in order for people to be attracted to Jesus, you have to create a flashy, mtv world. They couldn't be more wrong.
Ryan was telling me how he hates mega churches. Mostly because he hates how they spend their money. He understands having a good sound system, but some of these churches pay thousand of dollars to have professional sound equipment that they don't even need. He said the church building we just left probably cost millions of dollars to build. Then he wondered why the Christians in this country feel the need to spend money that way when Jesus didn't say anything about how to build our buildings or make them seeker friendly. But Jesus did say feed the hungry. He said it makes him sick to know that much money went into buying computers so kids could access myspace when across town someone can't pay the electric bill. I must admit, it is a tough one.
Everyone wants to be apart of something BIG, tangible, something we can be proud of. We struggle with that even within this ministry. Even after 13 years of ministry, at times we feel like, "what have we done?". Mostly because you can't look at this huge building to show what we have built. We have no walls to display our certificates of appreciation, we have no desks to put our important papers, we don't even have a uniform to display our gold medals. We have, nothing. And isn't that what we said we wanted? ALL glory to God. ugh. Yet, we have a need to feel important, like we accomplished something. We receive words, notes, testimonies from students and adults alike telling us how God has changed them though the ministry we are committed to. Yet, I can't put that on my wall. I can't open my wallet and show it to a stranger. I have to admit I still don't own a house. I still don't get paid monthly. I wonder where my Christmas fund will come from and TODAY drew and I bought our first couch. So when I get home, and sit on my new fancy couch will I feel "accomplished"? I doubt it. The only way I will feel proud, fulfilled, complete, is to walk with Him. To see a vision of things beyond tangiblity. I heard someone say a lot of people want to go to Heaven because it's going to be so great. Streets of gold, a mansion for us! But then he asked, 'what if you get there and there are just dirt roads and a shack'? Something inside of me knew I was missing the mark.... Jesus. A closer walk with Him.
There is to much in this country. We are missing Jesus. Our churches are making it impossible to hear the Lord. We are (with good intentions) making it harder for the next generation to even hear His voice, let alone see His face. Oh Lord, come quickly.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
December 22, 1996-December 22, 2006
Ten years for the Smiths. We received a nice card from Drew's mom and step dad. Inside the card was an actual article from the Grand Rapids Press. This is what it said:
Do your part for peace
----------------
Activists call for Global Orgasm for Peace on Dec. 22
----------------
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
SAN FRANCISCO--Two activists have planned a masive anti-war demonstration for the first day of winter.
But they don't want you marching in the streets. They'd much rather you just stay home.
The Global Orgasm for Peace was conceived by Donna Sheehan, 76, and Paul Reffell, 55, whose immodest goal is for everyone in the world to have an orgasm Dec. 22 while focusing on world peace.
"The orgasm gives out an incredible feeling of peace during it and after it," Reffell said Sunday. "Your mind is like a blank. It's like a meditative state. And mass meditations have been shown to make a change."
The couple have studied evolutionary psychology and believe that war is mainly an outgrowth of men trying to impress potential mates, a case of "my missile is bigger than your missile," as Reffell put it.
By promoting what they hope to be a synchronized global orgasm, they hope to get people to channel their sexual energy into something positive.
"The dream is to have everyone in the world (take part)," Reffell said. "And if that means laying down your gun for a few minutes, they hey, all the better."
Well then, happy anniversary to us. :)
and to you
and the rest of the world.
Do your part for peace
----------------
Activists call for Global Orgasm for Peace on Dec. 22
----------------
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
SAN FRANCISCO--Two activists have planned a masive anti-war demonstration for the first day of winter.
But they don't want you marching in the streets. They'd much rather you just stay home.
The Global Orgasm for Peace was conceived by Donna Sheehan, 76, and Paul Reffell, 55, whose immodest goal is for everyone in the world to have an orgasm Dec. 22 while focusing on world peace.
"The orgasm gives out an incredible feeling of peace during it and after it," Reffell said Sunday. "Your mind is like a blank. It's like a meditative state. And mass meditations have been shown to make a change."
The couple have studied evolutionary psychology and believe that war is mainly an outgrowth of men trying to impress potential mates, a case of "my missile is bigger than your missile," as Reffell put it.
By promoting what they hope to be a synchronized global orgasm, they hope to get people to channel their sexual energy into something positive.
"The dream is to have everyone in the world (take part)," Reffell said. "And if that means laying down your gun for a few minutes, they hey, all the better."
Well then, happy anniversary to us. :)
and to you
and the rest of the world.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
141?
ok, so seriously, I am not exactly sure why, but we just got this scale from the otb office and it is telling me i weigh 141. I am not one to share my weight, or to care really how much I weigh. Mostly because I have weighed the same (155-160) since I was in the 8th grade. Seriously, I have not gone under or over that range in over 21 years. yes, i know, i'm that old. So I have found it literally mind boggling to see that number. I don't really pay attention to my weight. I don't really care about it. I can tell when I need to loose a few pounds to fit into my clothes better etc. But I feel pretty confident with who God has made me, and I have learned to accept who I am and not to focus my time on things like body image etc.
But lately I have wanted to be healthy. I mean, I have wanted that for years, but just lately I have decided to stop eating wheat (gluten stuff really) because Drew can't have it anyway, so I stopped. For the most part. (i mean seriously, who can say no to Krispy Kreme? except drew, but he's weird) But it was hard because I ate a lot of bread, and I LOVE bread, but I just thought I would do it. Drew always told me, "flour mixed with water is what? That's right, paste. That sits in your belly.". I thought that was true, but who wants to eat a burger with no bun? But I have learned, it's really not that bad.
I have also learned I had to stop eating refined sugars. Which has made me stop eating refined anything. Or at least trying. (except for my sisters AWESOME oreo truffles, you must try them) I have been reading labels etc. and trying to only eat things that God made. Except for diet coke. I can't get past that man made drink yet, maybe this year. So, maybe all of that changing has caused me to lose weight when I haven't really tried or didn't even notice.
It really doesn't matter to me, except for the fact that I feel good, which is really the point.
anyway, not sure why I shared, just felt like sharing my wonder and blessing of a new number to tell the lady at the drivers license place. too bad i was just there 2 weeks ago and told her my old actual weight, but then, who really cares anyway? It just feels good to be healthy.
But lately I have wanted to be healthy. I mean, I have wanted that for years, but just lately I have decided to stop eating wheat (gluten stuff really) because Drew can't have it anyway, so I stopped. For the most part. (i mean seriously, who can say no to Krispy Kreme? except drew, but he's weird) But it was hard because I ate a lot of bread, and I LOVE bread, but I just thought I would do it. Drew always told me, "flour mixed with water is what? That's right, paste. That sits in your belly.". I thought that was true, but who wants to eat a burger with no bun? But I have learned, it's really not that bad.
I have also learned I had to stop eating refined sugars. Which has made me stop eating refined anything. Or at least trying. (except for my sisters AWESOME oreo truffles, you must try them) I have been reading labels etc. and trying to only eat things that God made. Except for diet coke. I can't get past that man made drink yet, maybe this year. So, maybe all of that changing has caused me to lose weight when I haven't really tried or didn't even notice.
It really doesn't matter to me, except for the fact that I feel good, which is really the point.
anyway, not sure why I shared, just felt like sharing my wonder and blessing of a new number to tell the lady at the drivers license place. too bad i was just there 2 weeks ago and told her my old actual weight, but then, who really cares anyway? It just feels good to be healthy.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
the best poem ever written
There is a strong wall about me to protect me,
it is built of the words you have said to me.
There are swords about me to keep me safe,
they are kisses of your lips.
Before me goes a shield to guard me from harm,
it is the shadow of your arms between me and danger.
All the wishes of my mind know your name,
and the white desire of my heart,
they are acquainted with you.
The cry of my body for completeness,
that is a cry for you.
My blood beats out your name to me,
unceasing,
pitiless,
your name, your name.
-Mary Carolyn Davies
My thoughts to my husband of 10 years.
it is built of the words you have said to me.
There are swords about me to keep me safe,
they are kisses of your lips.
Before me goes a shield to guard me from harm,
it is the shadow of your arms between me and danger.
All the wishes of my mind know your name,
and the white desire of my heart,
they are acquainted with you.
The cry of my body for completeness,
that is a cry for you.
My blood beats out your name to me,
unceasing,
pitiless,
your name, your name.
-Mary Carolyn Davies
My thoughts to my husband of 10 years.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
spinning
I woke up this morning spinning. I went to bed late and got up early, and my equilibrium is off. I keep walking into walls etc. I feel like a drunk kitten or something. But today is eden's 3rd birthday and we are about to celebrate in five or so min.
I feel a spinning in my spirit as well. So much to say. So much to think about. I hope to write them all down soon, because they are good.
I feel a spinning in my spirit as well. So much to say. So much to think about. I hope to write them all down soon, because they are good.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
December sip
On the way to see friends yesterday I told Drew I have been struggling lately. As I talked through my December blues, I discovered that it truly is December that is my problem. I told him about how I feel responsible for so many people, and the relationships they have with each other and in this month I often don't do what I would want to do, but I do things to keep peace, harmony and all that other crap. As I cried and told him I didn't know what to do because I missed my mother and my older brother is far away, and my sister just adopted her third child and money ick .....I will spare you the rest of the list......I realized, it's not really about all of those things. I was upset because of December. You see December is the end. It marks the end of another year and for some reason I am forced to face all of the people in my life and try to explain why my life doesn't 'look' like thiers. I have to explain why I still don't have kids, why I still live in Michigan, why I don't make any money, why we can't buy gifts (but we always get those 'it's ok, we understand' eyes), why we never visit, and the ultimate question, when is it all going to change? Or what am I going to do to change it?
December reminds me of what is not.
I began to understand why all of my single friends hate December. I mean, I always kinda new they hated the Christmas season because they were forced to feel alone, but worse yet, answer the stupid question of why they are still alone. They are forced to look back on this past year, and years before and weigh it. Is my life better than years past? Or am I still the same? Nothing has changed. And can't we find something else to talk about?
I can see now why candy canes and santa hats don't make the orphans smile. They look back and remember the year filled with the void of love that only a parent can give. Most kids get a latte here, a pair of shoes there, but for those forgotten, ...nowhere to go for the holidays. More tears fall than snow during December and most just wish the holidays would never happen, reminding us of what is not.
It seems society is trying to force people into this corner where we are all made to look back and answer those questions. Where are you going to live? Who are you going to date? Where are you going to get money? How are you going to do that? Do you think that is a wise decision? When are you going to be on your own? When are you going to get a girl/boyfriend? Where are you going to work? Is that job right for you? You make a living doing that? Are you guys ever going to grow up? Why don't you have any kids? Where are you going for the holidays? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO???
sip hot coffee.
Have you ever felt the sun on your face during a very cold moment?
It was EXTREMELY refreshing to sit with good friends, drink good coffee, hear good music, and laugh till the early hours. Life is hard, looking back is hard, but it's not the looking back that is important. In order for December not to destroy me, I must drown myself in good friends, drinking coffee, good music, and laughter till the early hours. I refuse to allow December to depress me and bury me alive with things I can't control and promises not yet fulfilled.
The gift of Over the Rhine was AWESOME, but not as great as the gifts that I received from being reminded of the important things in life. That life happens one sip at a time and i don't have to have any answer to pointless questions. All I have to do is grind the beans, light a candle, shovel the sidewalk (only if I find the shovel) so friends can find the way, and live. Because if I'm running around from store to store and I'm busy wishing I was somewhere else, doing something else, my coffee gets cold.
and nobody likes cold coffee.
may our holidays be filled with unanswered questions. and warm sips.
December reminds me of what is not.
I began to understand why all of my single friends hate December. I mean, I always kinda new they hated the Christmas season because they were forced to feel alone, but worse yet, answer the stupid question of why they are still alone. They are forced to look back on this past year, and years before and weigh it. Is my life better than years past? Or am I still the same? Nothing has changed. And can't we find something else to talk about?
I can see now why candy canes and santa hats don't make the orphans smile. They look back and remember the year filled with the void of love that only a parent can give. Most kids get a latte here, a pair of shoes there, but for those forgotten, ...nowhere to go for the holidays. More tears fall than snow during December and most just wish the holidays would never happen, reminding us of what is not.
It seems society is trying to force people into this corner where we are all made to look back and answer those questions. Where are you going to live? Who are you going to date? Where are you going to get money? How are you going to do that? Do you think that is a wise decision? When are you going to be on your own? When are you going to get a girl/boyfriend? Where are you going to work? Is that job right for you? You make a living doing that? Are you guys ever going to grow up? Why don't you have any kids? Where are you going for the holidays? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO???
sip hot coffee.
Have you ever felt the sun on your face during a very cold moment?
It was EXTREMELY refreshing to sit with good friends, drink good coffee, hear good music, and laugh till the early hours. Life is hard, looking back is hard, but it's not the looking back that is important. In order for December not to destroy me, I must drown myself in good friends, drinking coffee, good music, and laughter till the early hours. I refuse to allow December to depress me and bury me alive with things I can't control and promises not yet fulfilled.
The gift of Over the Rhine was AWESOME, but not as great as the gifts that I received from being reminded of the important things in life. That life happens one sip at a time and i don't have to have any answer to pointless questions. All I have to do is grind the beans, light a candle, shovel the sidewalk (only if I find the shovel) so friends can find the way, and live. Because if I'm running around from store to store and I'm busy wishing I was somewhere else, doing something else, my coffee gets cold.
and nobody likes cold coffee.
may our holidays be filled with unanswered questions. and warm sips.
Monday, November 27, 2006
a timely finding
Wildflower
Here I am again. It was just yesterday I was free to grow, free to be reckless in my innocents.
Rooted to the very thing that decorates my correction.
Here i am once again. Frozen without neglect
Cold with my sights beyond my circumstances.
Bitter in my ignorance of when my revival will spring forth.
So I wait.
Damp and cold with the only warm that this is not forever.
Here is not forever.
So I wait.
So I wait.
This was written by a friend a long time ago. I guess he didn't think it was any good, he threw it away. I found it in the trash that day, years ago, and stashed it in a folder that I found today. (I wrote it as he wrote it.)
timely.
Here I am again. It was just yesterday I was free to grow, free to be reckless in my innocents.
Rooted to the very thing that decorates my correction.
Here i am once again. Frozen without neglect
Cold with my sights beyond my circumstances.
Bitter in my ignorance of when my revival will spring forth.
So I wait.
Damp and cold with the only warm that this is not forever.
Here is not forever.
So I wait.
So I wait.
This was written by a friend a long time ago. I guess he didn't think it was any good, he threw it away. I found it in the trash that day, years ago, and stashed it in a folder that I found today. (I wrote it as he wrote it.)
timely.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Indigo Girls UP CLOSE!!!
It was SO much fun. I actually froze when we got our cd signed. They just sat there and looked at me waiting for me to say something and all that came out was....
nothing.
But, still, got the great pics.
http://flickr.com/photos/kathlenesmith/
nothing.
But, still, got the great pics.
http://flickr.com/photos/kathlenesmith/
Saturday, October 07, 2006
drifting wood
There are times when I feel like all I am is drifting wood. I feel as if I have fell off of something that was once alive, and been floating on water ever since. It is ok to float aimlessly being taken from one shore line to the next, but at times I feel tired. I just want to land somewhere, and dry off. But, I should sit back and enjoy the ride that I am on. I know that once drift wood lands, some of it gets burned, while others are rescued, shaped, sculpted, and made into something unique and beautiful. It really just takes vision to see what's beyond the drifting. I think that is what I lack most of the time.
As I stood on stage tonight and told the story of Jonathan again, I thought, I am tired of pushing through the pain. I told the people, "If we could just see what's on the other side of the pain, we would gladly take it. God has so much for us if we would just push through". I do believe those words, but I just don't want to do them.
Im tired. I have accepted my calling, so I WILL move on from AL to the next place, I WILL get up and speak what the Lord tells me to say, and I WILL do it for as long as HE wills me to do it. I just long for more days that are not so tiring and drifty.
As I stood on stage tonight and told the story of Jonathan again, I thought, I am tired of pushing through the pain. I told the people, "If we could just see what's on the other side of the pain, we would gladly take it. God has so much for us if we would just push through". I do believe those words, but I just don't want to do them.
Im tired. I have accepted my calling, so I WILL move on from AL to the next place, I WILL get up and speak what the Lord tells me to say, and I WILL do it for as long as HE wills me to do it. I just long for more days that are not so tiring and drifty.
Friday, September 22, 2006
I WON! I WON! I WON! :)
It really does work! This is the second time (the first time was with my wonderful friend Zach who was a "friend" on blingo) that I have won on Blingo!!!!!
I will listen to my new music and think of them. Life is so good.
0:31 minutes ago
iTunes Gift Certificate
Kathlene S, Belleville, MI
+ friend
i just wonder which one of you is my "friend"
I will listen to my new music and think of them. Life is so good.
0:31 minutes ago
iTunes Gift Certificate
Kathlene S, Belleville, MI
+ friend
i just wonder which one of you is my "friend"
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
aches...of the head, hopes of the heart
So,
everthing keeps telling me to turn to this word called HOPE. The shows I watch, the boxes that I buy, the gifts given to me. And so I am not exactly sure what I am to learn about that, except that I am supposed to not give it up. Maybe God thinks I am close to feeling hope-less. He keeps sending me little signals, signs, hope. I heard a speaker on tv say the other night that if I feel like i have lost hope to close my eyes and remember when I last had it. Then call the people who were around then to remind me to have it again. well, i haven't lost it yet, but that doesn't make it easy to keep. So...I press on.
The good thing is there is much to hope for! The upcoming month will be a hard one, but it will be good. Time seems to fly by here in my life, sometimes that is good, sometimes that is bad. Spending time with those I love for example, flies by too fast. But this migraine I have been sporting for 3 days, way to slow. But next month will show a new door for me. A new place for Drew and I. I am excited. I am excited to start again, to move not just physically, but in so many other ways too. There are several people in my life who have had to make this jump into a new reality. Living in new places, new homes, eating off of new plates, it seems to fit them. Even though the miles to get there were filled with tears. Things are growing with them now, and I am excited for that new growth in me.
everthing keeps telling me to turn to this word called HOPE. The shows I watch, the boxes that I buy, the gifts given to me. And so I am not exactly sure what I am to learn about that, except that I am supposed to not give it up. Maybe God thinks I am close to feeling hope-less. He keeps sending me little signals, signs, hope. I heard a speaker on tv say the other night that if I feel like i have lost hope to close my eyes and remember when I last had it. Then call the people who were around then to remind me to have it again. well, i haven't lost it yet, but that doesn't make it easy to keep. So...I press on.
The good thing is there is much to hope for! The upcoming month will be a hard one, but it will be good. Time seems to fly by here in my life, sometimes that is good, sometimes that is bad. Spending time with those I love for example, flies by too fast. But this migraine I have been sporting for 3 days, way to slow. But next month will show a new door for me. A new place for Drew and I. I am excited. I am excited to start again, to move not just physically, but in so many other ways too. There are several people in my life who have had to make this jump into a new reality. Living in new places, new homes, eating off of new plates, it seems to fit them. Even though the miles to get there were filled with tears. Things are growing with them now, and I am excited for that new growth in me.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
achomplishment
As I sit here in a foreign house helping a friend move in, I am reminded of his face when he was buying a candle holder for his fireplace. Achomplishment. It isn't that buying a new candle holder is accomplishment, it is that he has worked so hard to do it. He is the type of person that works 150% no matter what he does. I have another friend who is an artist and lived in New York City for awhile. While doing so, he had to borrow some money to make ends meet. He since then has moved out of the city (a few years ago), moved in with family and worked very hard doing a "normal" job to pay off his debt. The other night he told me he just wrote the last check to his debtor and now he might even be able to pay off his car. Accomplishment. I know accomplishment comes in all shapes and sizes, and can look like many different things. It doesn't have to be about money. Reaching a goal is an accomplishment. I have another friend who he and his wife have endured MUCH to buy the house they felt like God was leading them to. Over a year later they are moved in and almost everything in the house, the walls, the kitchen, the home office, the dining room, the build in speakers on the ceilings, spell out their accomplishments. It feels good (and tiring) to reach your goal.
That is why making goals is so important. Without them we just flounder and feel overcome by this world.
That is why making goals is so important. Without them we just flounder and feel overcome by this world.
Monday, August 14, 2006
these lines on my face
The other day Eden walked into the room and she had taken a friends lipstick and "put it on". The putting on however was all over her face. Not just her lips, but she also covered a portion of her cheeks! We can laugh at that because we know Eden is so cute and that lipstick is washable. With one trip to the sink, she will look brand new, wiped up, clean. Not so with these lines on my face.
It seems God keeps moving me into places where decisions not only have to be made, but made quick with the trust that HE is the one making them. I don't have time to weigh out the rights and wrongs or the goods and bads of everything in my life. I wonder if He is moving into these quick decisions because He knows I might not ever make a decision otherwise. Who knows. I don't really like it though, my face shows it. Lines. tears. frowns. my pillow gets frightened when I come to bed for fear of ending up wet. Yet, I know good things will come from these places God is moving me into. Not just good things for me, but for everyone.
Life is hard.
sigh.
someone wrote to me today and gave me great advise. He said:
Trust in His strength, not in your lack of it.
It seems God keeps moving me into places where decisions not only have to be made, but made quick with the trust that HE is the one making them. I don't have time to weigh out the rights and wrongs or the goods and bads of everything in my life. I wonder if He is moving into these quick decisions because He knows I might not ever make a decision otherwise. Who knows. I don't really like it though, my face shows it. Lines. tears. frowns. my pillow gets frightened when I come to bed for fear of ending up wet. Yet, I know good things will come from these places God is moving me into. Not just good things for me, but for everyone.
Life is hard.
sigh.
someone wrote to me today and gave me great advise. He said:
Trust in His strength, not in your lack of it.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
yes, I WILL follow you....but, could I have some bread?
Reality.
it sucks.
I think in a magical perfect world, money really would grow on trees. The people I love would be taken care of and set free from financial debt and inprisonment. And I would be able to do what I feel like God is calling me to do. Why does God call His people, or at least some of us, to sacrifice all (finances, family, comfort, health, friends, even church) to do His work. Everyone is different and I know we shouldn't question God, but I get frustrated. I get frustrated not knowing God's will for my life, and the ministry He has me in. I would love to take all of my unbelievable friends and family and allow them to excell in the gifts God gave them. But reality is, I can't. I can't keep pretending that God is going to provide a way for my debt to be taken care of. Or that I will even be provided for monthly. He CAN do it, but I am not so sure that He is going to drop that million dollar publishers clearing house check in my lap. Maybe He has another way of taking care of me. He DOES provide, but not the ways I would want. I hate reality that is constantly in my brain telling me things are impossible. I know God can do all things. But reality weighs on me like a brick. holding me down. Dispite this holding, I press on knowing God DOES have a purpose for me. That road might look different than what I thought, but I am still walking. Still walking with Him.
I know I will push through these hard decisions reality brings me. And I will taste all aspects of this journey from the sauerkraut to the brownies. Even a bitter taste is still a taste, which fills me with life. And through my tears and my 'see you later''s I know God will heal my broken heart and create some kind of beauty as we all press forward fighting reality along the way.
Come quickly Lord Jesus. Bring Your Perfection. You ARE coming. THAT is reality.
it sucks.
I think in a magical perfect world, money really would grow on trees. The people I love would be taken care of and set free from financial debt and inprisonment. And I would be able to do what I feel like God is calling me to do. Why does God call His people, or at least some of us, to sacrifice all (finances, family, comfort, health, friends, even church) to do His work. Everyone is different and I know we shouldn't question God, but I get frustrated. I get frustrated not knowing God's will for my life, and the ministry He has me in. I would love to take all of my unbelievable friends and family and allow them to excell in the gifts God gave them. But reality is, I can't. I can't keep pretending that God is going to provide a way for my debt to be taken care of. Or that I will even be provided for monthly. He CAN do it, but I am not so sure that He is going to drop that million dollar publishers clearing house check in my lap. Maybe He has another way of taking care of me. He DOES provide, but not the ways I would want. I hate reality that is constantly in my brain telling me things are impossible. I know God can do all things. But reality weighs on me like a brick. holding me down. Dispite this holding, I press on knowing God DOES have a purpose for me. That road might look different than what I thought, but I am still walking. Still walking with Him.
I know I will push through these hard decisions reality brings me. And I will taste all aspects of this journey from the sauerkraut to the brownies. Even a bitter taste is still a taste, which fills me with life. And through my tears and my 'see you later''s I know God will heal my broken heart and create some kind of beauty as we all press forward fighting reality along the way.
Come quickly Lord Jesus. Bring Your Perfection. You ARE coming. THAT is reality.
Friday, July 28, 2006
15 years of 27
July 27, 1991-July 27, 2006
15. The thought of 15 years in anything makes me feel old. I still remember turning 15, and now I am over double that age. As I sit here at 3:25am est. I realize 15 years ago I was up as well. so long ago seems so close. I remember so much, and so little from that night.
All day today I knew it was the 15 year anniversary of my parents death. And from the early morning, I woke up happy and filled with peace. I am not sure if it was the out of no where hugs from eden (first on the right shoulder, then the left, then the right again, then a kiss on the lips), or the most beautiful tree I have ever seen that seemed to speak to me in ways I can't explain, or maybe it was an old friend coming to see our show tonight, but all seemed to speak to me personally. It was as if God walked with me all day today.
I sat on the outer edge of the largest, coolest Oak tree I have ever seen. It was called a 'Live Oak', and was unbelievable. The limbs stretched yards away from the trunk inviting you to climb it. It covered the grounds like a canopy and I later learned it was over 600 years old. The trunk was HUGE, proving it's age. I sat and just looked at it and I felt blessed. Drew and I sat on the outside of the tree line and just talked for a bit. It was wonderful and I realized I was surrounded by beauty. God had taken my everyday ordinary life and transformed it into something amazing. More than amazing. His hand guided me towards my husband, my best friends, this ministry, the road, and to Round Rock, TX and to this tree.
I realized 15 years ago I wondered where I would be in 15 years, and I honestly wasn't sure. I remember telling myself I didn't think I would be alive that long. I couldn't imagine getting up everyday and living without my parenets. I didn't want to. And yet, somehow I did it. I carried on. And He carried me while whispering His secrets and desires for my life.
Today I don't feel sadness, but just blessed. I feel as if I am the most blessed person on the face of this earth and for that my soul screams, "THANK YOU!". I Praise God for His goodness in my life. I praise Him for being personal with me. I praise Him for Life! And for the beauty He continues to give me.
Once again I can't imagine where I will be in 15 years. I can't imagine being in a more perfect place than this, but with God, I am sure I will be.
15. The thought of 15 years in anything makes me feel old. I still remember turning 15, and now I am over double that age. As I sit here at 3:25am est. I realize 15 years ago I was up as well. so long ago seems so close. I remember so much, and so little from that night.
All day today I knew it was the 15 year anniversary of my parents death. And from the early morning, I woke up happy and filled with peace. I am not sure if it was the out of no where hugs from eden (first on the right shoulder, then the left, then the right again, then a kiss on the lips), or the most beautiful tree I have ever seen that seemed to speak to me in ways I can't explain, or maybe it was an old friend coming to see our show tonight, but all seemed to speak to me personally. It was as if God walked with me all day today.
I sat on the outer edge of the largest, coolest Oak tree I have ever seen. It was called a 'Live Oak', and was unbelievable. The limbs stretched yards away from the trunk inviting you to climb it. It covered the grounds like a canopy and I later learned it was over 600 years old. The trunk was HUGE, proving it's age. I sat and just looked at it and I felt blessed. Drew and I sat on the outside of the tree line and just talked for a bit. It was wonderful and I realized I was surrounded by beauty. God had taken my everyday ordinary life and transformed it into something amazing. More than amazing. His hand guided me towards my husband, my best friends, this ministry, the road, and to Round Rock, TX and to this tree.
I realized 15 years ago I wondered where I would be in 15 years, and I honestly wasn't sure. I remember telling myself I didn't think I would be alive that long. I couldn't imagine getting up everyday and living without my parenets. I didn't want to. And yet, somehow I did it. I carried on. And He carried me while whispering His secrets and desires for my life.
Today I don't feel sadness, but just blessed. I feel as if I am the most blessed person on the face of this earth and for that my soul screams, "THANK YOU!". I Praise God for His goodness in my life. I praise Him for being personal with me. I praise Him for Life! And for the beauty He continues to give me.
Once again I can't imagine where I will be in 15 years. I can't imagine being in a more perfect place than this, but with God, I am sure I will be.
Friday, July 07, 2006
it means something
"This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through, my treasures are laid up, some where beyond the blue, the angels beckon me from Heavens open door and I can't feel at home in this world anymore."
A song/hymn from my childhood. And I wonder, "when did I feel at home here?" I guess maybe when I was young and lived in my dreams of the future. Dreaming of becoming a famous singer, or a bus driver (yes, it is true), the future looked promising. That was before I left Alma Michigan. That was before Jesus. Nothing really mattered then. I got older, life happened, I met others who have also been asked to put a pebble in their shoe and walk.
I foolishly have been surprised by the hardness of this journey. Each step gets harder to move my legs. They are becoming numb to my body, yet my mind says, "wait....wait....just a few more minutes" and so I continue on. I keep looking for the moment when perfection arrives and all is made new. Ah yes, the bible speaks to that, Christ's second coming. So I wait in antisipation, searching for His breath to hit the earth once more. Moving one, then two, then three steps at a time. While constantly focusing on the only thing that keeps me moving...home.
This day was a long time coming. I must admit I have been afraid to brand my skin with a language (beautiful though it is) that I don't know. I decided though after getting referrals from several professors, and praying much, to just go for it. So i did.
Jeremiah 1:5 is one of my favorite verses. I have never thought of it as a 'life verse', although I know many people who have life verses. But tonight as I think about how much this one little verse means to me, maybe it is more than a life verse to me. Maybe Jeremiah 1:5 is my life, and my reason for living.
"BEFORE I formed you in the womb, I KNEW YOU, before you were born I set you apart, I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
This was from the Lord to Jeremiah, but the first part caught my eye. BEFORE he formed him, God knew Jeremiah. BEFORE...and that got me thinking. There had to be a time before conception when we were with God. Sitting..dreaming...smiling, and just enjoying Him. THAT was the place I was created, not my mothers womb. And THAT is the place I will return to, the place where God waits for me to come home. I long for that place. Each day that I live here seems harder to live than the last. Even though the world has some amazing, wonderful things, and with each day we see God a bit more, I still would rather be with Him enjoying Him fully.
Nothing will compare to me being reunited with my Father. I long to run to him and grab His cheeks kissing Him and telling Him of my love for Him, and to literally see His smile, and to feel His hand on my head. He holds all the warmth of a Fathers approval, and when I think of Him, this land couldn't feel more foreign. I long to get back to my homeland, to my birthplace, to my rightful place, to my Father...to my homeland in Heaven.
If you wonder what these words mean, they mean all I have written above and more.
A song/hymn from my childhood. And I wonder, "when did I feel at home here?" I guess maybe when I was young and lived in my dreams of the future. Dreaming of becoming a famous singer, or a bus driver (yes, it is true), the future looked promising. That was before I left Alma Michigan. That was before Jesus. Nothing really mattered then. I got older, life happened, I met others who have also been asked to put a pebble in their shoe and walk.
I foolishly have been surprised by the hardness of this journey. Each step gets harder to move my legs. They are becoming numb to my body, yet my mind says, "wait....wait....just a few more minutes" and so I continue on. I keep looking for the moment when perfection arrives and all is made new. Ah yes, the bible speaks to that, Christ's second coming. So I wait in antisipation, searching for His breath to hit the earth once more. Moving one, then two, then three steps at a time. While constantly focusing on the only thing that keeps me moving...home.
This day was a long time coming. I must admit I have been afraid to brand my skin with a language (beautiful though it is) that I don't know. I decided though after getting referrals from several professors, and praying much, to just go for it. So i did.
Jeremiah 1:5 is one of my favorite verses. I have never thought of it as a 'life verse', although I know many people who have life verses. But tonight as I think about how much this one little verse means to me, maybe it is more than a life verse to me. Maybe Jeremiah 1:5 is my life, and my reason for living.
"BEFORE I formed you in the womb, I KNEW YOU, before you were born I set you apart, I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
This was from the Lord to Jeremiah, but the first part caught my eye. BEFORE he formed him, God knew Jeremiah. BEFORE...and that got me thinking. There had to be a time before conception when we were with God. Sitting..dreaming...smiling, and just enjoying Him. THAT was the place I was created, not my mothers womb. And THAT is the place I will return to, the place where God waits for me to come home. I long for that place. Each day that I live here seems harder to live than the last. Even though the world has some amazing, wonderful things, and with each day we see God a bit more, I still would rather be with Him enjoying Him fully.
Nothing will compare to me being reunited with my Father. I long to run to him and grab His cheeks kissing Him and telling Him of my love for Him, and to literally see His smile, and to feel His hand on my head. He holds all the warmth of a Fathers approval, and when I think of Him, this land couldn't feel more foreign. I long to get back to my homeland, to my birthplace, to my rightful place, to my Father...to my homeland in Heaven.
If you wonder what these words mean, they mean all I have written above and more.
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