a timely finding

Wildflower

Here I am again. It was just yesterday I was free to grow, free to be reckless in my innocents.
Rooted to the very thing that decorates my correction.

Here i am once again. Frozen without neglect
Cold with my sights beyond my circumstances.
Bitter in my ignorance of when my revival will spring forth.
So I wait.
Damp and cold with the only warm that this is not forever.
Here is not forever.
So I wait.
So I wait.



This was written by a friend a long time ago. I guess he didn't think it was any good, he threw it away. I found it in the trash that day, years ago, and stashed it in a folder that I found today. (I wrote it as he wrote it.)

timely.

Indigo Girls UP CLOSE!!!

It was SO much fun. I actually froze when we got our cd signed. They just sat there and looked at me waiting for me to say something and all that came out was....



nothing.

But, still, got the great pics.

http://flickr.com/photos/kathlenesmith/

drifting wood

There are times when I feel like all I am is drifting wood. I feel as if I have fell off of something that was once alive, and been floating on water ever since. It is ok to float aimlessly being taken from one shore line to the next, but at times I feel tired. I just want to land somewhere, and dry off. But, I should sit back and enjoy the ride that I am on. I know that once drift wood lands, some of it gets burned, while others are rescued, shaped, sculpted, and made into something unique and beautiful. It really just takes vision to see what's beyond the drifting. I think that is what I lack most of the time.

As I stood on stage tonight and told the story of Jonathan again, I thought, I am tired of pushing through the pain. I told the people, "If we could just see what's on the other side of the pain, we would gladly take it. God has so much for us if we would just push through". I do believe those words, but I just don't want to do them.

Im tired. I have accepted my calling, so I WILL move on from AL to the next place, I WILL get up and speak what the Lord tells me to say, and I WILL do it for as long as HE wills me to do it. I just long for more days that are not so tiring and drifty.

I WON! I WON! I WON! :)

It really does work! This is the second time (the first time was with my wonderful friend Zach who was a "friend" on blingo) that I have won on Blingo!!!!!

I will listen to my new music and think of them. Life is so good.

0:31 minutes ago
iTunes Gift Certificate
Kathlene S, Belleville, MI
+ friend

i just wonder which one of you is my "friend"

aches...of the head, hopes of the heart

So,

everthing keeps telling me to turn to this word called HOPE. The shows I watch, the boxes that I buy, the gifts given to me. And so I am not exactly sure what I am to learn about that, except that I am supposed to not give it up. Maybe God thinks I am close to feeling hope-less. He keeps sending me little signals, signs, hope. I heard a speaker on tv say the other night that if I feel like i have lost hope to close my eyes and remember when I last had it. Then call the people who were around then to remind me to have it again. well, i haven't lost it yet, but that doesn't make it easy to keep. So...I press on.

The good thing is there is much to hope for! The upcoming month will be a hard one, but it will be good. Time seems to fly by here in my life, sometimes that is good, sometimes that is bad. Spending time with those I love for example, flies by too fast. But this migraine I have been sporting for 3 days, way to slow. But next month will show a new door for me. A new place for Drew and I. I am excited. I am excited to start again, to move not just physically, but in so many other ways too. There are several people in my life who have had to make this jump into a new reality. Living in new places, new homes, eating off of new plates, it seems to fit them. Even though the miles to get there were filled with tears. Things are growing with them now, and I am excited for that new growth in me.

Jesus's bum

"Get off your bum and do it!" quote by Drew talking to Jesus.

achomplishment

As I sit here in a foreign house helping a friend move in, I am reminded of his face when he was buying a candle holder for his fireplace. Achomplishment. It isn't that buying a new candle holder is accomplishment, it is that he has worked so hard to do it. He is the type of person that works 150% no matter what he does. I have another friend who is an artist and lived in New York City for awhile. While doing so, he had to borrow some money to make ends meet. He since then has moved out of the city (a few years ago), moved in with family and worked very hard doing a "normal" job to pay off his debt. The other night he told me he just wrote the last check to his debtor and now he might even be able to pay off his car. Accomplishment. I know accomplishment comes in all shapes and sizes, and can look like many different things. It doesn't have to be about money. Reaching a goal is an accomplishment. I have another friend who he and his wife have endured MUCH to buy the house they felt like God was leading them to. Over a year later they are moved in and almost everything in the house, the walls, the kitchen, the home office, the dining room, the build in speakers on the ceilings, spell out their accomplishments. It feels good (and tiring) to reach your goal.

That is why making goals is so important. Without them we just flounder and feel overcome by this world.

these lines on my face

The other day Eden walked into the room and she had taken a friends lipstick and "put it on". The putting on however was all over her face. Not just her lips, but she also covered a portion of her cheeks! We can laugh at that because we know Eden is so cute and that lipstick is washable. With one trip to the sink, she will look brand new, wiped up, clean. Not so with these lines on my face.

It seems God keeps moving me into places where decisions not only have to be made, but made quick with the trust that HE is the one making them. I don't have time to weigh out the rights and wrongs or the goods and bads of everything in my life. I wonder if He is moving into these quick decisions because He knows I might not ever make a decision otherwise. Who knows. I don't really like it though, my face shows it. Lines. tears. frowns. my pillow gets frightened when I come to bed for fear of ending up wet. Yet, I know good things will come from these places God is moving me into. Not just good things for me, but for everyone.

Life is hard.

sigh.

someone wrote to me today and gave me great advise. He said:

Trust in His strength, not in your lack of it.

yes, I WILL follow you....but, could I have some bread?

Reality.

it sucks.

I think in a magical perfect world, money really would grow on trees. The people I love would be taken care of and set free from financial debt and inprisonment. And I would be able to do what I feel like God is calling me to do. Why does God call His people, or at least some of us, to sacrifice all (finances, family, comfort, health, friends, even church) to do His work. Everyone is different and I know we shouldn't question God, but I get frustrated. I get frustrated not knowing God's will for my life, and the ministry He has me in. I would love to take all of my unbelievable friends and family and allow them to excell in the gifts God gave them. But reality is, I can't. I can't keep pretending that God is going to provide a way for my debt to be taken care of. Or that I will even be provided for monthly. He CAN do it, but I am not so sure that He is going to drop that million dollar publishers clearing house check in my lap. Maybe He has another way of taking care of me. He DOES provide, but not the ways I would want. I hate reality that is constantly in my brain telling me things are impossible. I know God can do all things. But reality weighs on me like a brick. holding me down. Dispite this holding, I press on knowing God DOES have a purpose for me. That road might look different than what I thought, but I am still walking. Still walking with Him.

I know I will push through these hard decisions reality brings me. And I will taste all aspects of this journey from the sauerkraut to the brownies. Even a bitter taste is still a taste, which fills me with life. And through my tears and my 'see you later''s I know God will heal my broken heart and create some kind of beauty as we all press forward fighting reality along the way.

Come quickly Lord Jesus. Bring Your Perfection. You ARE coming. THAT is reality.

15 years of 27

July 27, 1991-July 27, 2006

15. The thought of 15 years in anything makes me feel old. I still remember turning 15, and now I am over double that age. As I sit here at 3:25am est. I realize 15 years ago I was up as well. so long ago seems so close. I remember so much, and so little from that night.

All day today I knew it was the 15 year anniversary of my parents death. And from the early morning, I woke up happy and filled with peace. I am not sure if it was the out of no where hugs from eden (first on the right shoulder, then the left, then the right again, then a kiss on the lips), or the most beautiful tree I have ever seen that seemed to speak to me in ways I can't explain, or maybe it was an old friend coming to see our show tonight, but all seemed to speak to me personally. It was as if God walked with me all day today.

I sat on the outer edge of the largest, coolest Oak tree I have ever seen. It was called a 'Live Oak', and was unbelievable. The limbs stretched yards away from the trunk inviting you to climb it. It covered the grounds like a canopy and I later learned it was over 600 years old. The trunk was HUGE, proving it's age. I sat and just looked at it and I felt blessed. Drew and I sat on the outside of the tree line and just talked for a bit. It was wonderful and I realized I was surrounded by beauty. God had taken my everyday ordinary life and transformed it into something amazing. More than amazing. His hand guided me towards my husband, my best friends, this ministry, the road, and to Round Rock, TX and to this tree.



I realized 15 years ago I wondered where I would be in 15 years, and I honestly wasn't sure. I remember telling myself I didn't think I would be alive that long. I couldn't imagine getting up everyday and living without my parenets. I didn't want to. And yet, somehow I did it. I carried on. And He carried me while whispering His secrets and desires for my life.

Today I don't feel sadness, but just blessed. I feel as if I am the most blessed person on the face of this earth and for that my soul screams, "THANK YOU!". I Praise God for His goodness in my life. I praise Him for being personal with me. I praise Him for Life! And for the beauty He continues to give me.

Once again I can't imagine where I will be in 15 years. I can't imagine being in a more perfect place than this, but with God, I am sure I will be.

it means something

"This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through, my treasures are laid up, some where beyond the blue, the angels beckon me from Heavens open door and I can't feel at home in this world anymore."

A song/hymn from my childhood. And I wonder, "when did I feel at home here?" I guess maybe when I was young and lived in my dreams of the future. Dreaming of becoming a famous singer, or a bus driver (yes, it is true), the future looked promising. That was before I left Alma Michigan. That was before Jesus. Nothing really mattered then. I got older, life happened, I met others who have also been asked to put a pebble in their shoe and walk.

I foolishly have been surprised by the hardness of this journey. Each step gets harder to move my legs. They are becoming numb to my body, yet my mind says, "wait....wait....just a few more minutes" and so I continue on. I keep looking for the moment when perfection arrives and all is made new. Ah yes, the bible speaks to that, Christ's second coming. So I wait in antisipation, searching for His breath to hit the earth once more. Moving one, then two, then three steps at a time. While constantly focusing on the only thing that keeps me moving...home.

This day was a long time coming. I must admit I have been afraid to brand my skin with a language (beautiful though it is) that I don't know. I decided though after getting referrals from several professors, and praying much, to just go for it. So i did.

Jeremiah 1:5 is one of my favorite verses. I have never thought of it as a 'life verse', although I know many people who have life verses. But tonight as I think about how much this one little verse means to me, maybe it is more than a life verse to me. Maybe Jeremiah 1:5 is my life, and my reason for living.

"BEFORE I formed you in the womb, I KNEW YOU, before you were born I set you apart, I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

This was from the Lord to Jeremiah, but the first part caught my eye. BEFORE he formed him, God knew Jeremiah. BEFORE...and that got me thinking. There had to be a time before conception when we were with God. Sitting..dreaming...smiling, and just enjoying Him. THAT was the place I was created, not my mothers womb. And THAT is the place I will return to, the place where God waits for me to come home. I long for that place. Each day that I live here seems harder to live than the last. Even though the world has some amazing, wonderful things, and with each day we see God a bit more, I still would rather be with Him enjoying Him fully.

Nothing will compare to me being reunited with my Father. I long to run to him and grab His cheeks kissing Him and telling Him of my love for Him, and to literally see His smile, and to feel His hand on my head. He holds all the warmth of a Fathers approval, and when I think of Him, this land couldn't feel more foreign. I long to get back to my homeland, to my birthplace, to my rightful place, to my Father...to my homeland in Heaven.






If you wonder what these words mean, they mean all I have written above and more.

the lost paintings

I was driving around and passed this garage sale yesterday. They had a fence thing that you keep animals in and I pictured Ajax hopping around inside of it in the grass and I smiled. As I walked up to the house I noticed they were using the fence thing for puppies that were for sale. They were cute. But they were also selling a few other garage sale items, you know, typical things, books, cups, tools etc. Then I noticed 2 boxes FULL of paintings. They were on canvas, all different colors and sort of looked like smudges of paint. Nothing that really caught my eye except that their were lots of them.

A woman from the garage asked if I was going to buy one. I thought, "yeah right." and then I looked up. She was retarted. I knew I didn't like the paintings and probably wouldn't buy one. Her sister asked if I was looking for something specific at the sale and I told her I was looking at the fence. She told me it wasn't for sale (because it had puppies in it!) and I said ok thanks and started to walk away heading to the sale at the house two doors down. As I was walking, the retarted sister said to her sister, "Isn't anyone going to buy my paintings?". Just then I thought, what if that is Jesus. Not that Jesus is retarted, but you know what I mean. I knew I would be going back to buy a painting.

I did go back, but I didn't buy one, I bought five. I had to leave to go to the ATM to get cash. By the time I returned it was pouring. So I ran into the garage to buy the paintings. She signed them for me. She said she couldn't wait to get rich and famous. I told her she already was.

a mothers dream

I am not sure how many of you guys watch LOST out there, but the last episode was awesome. There is a scene where a few of them have to decide if entering the code and pushing the button on the computer even matters. One of the guys tries to explain that if they do not punch in the code and hit the button that there will be an electric magnetic malfunction on Earth. That what they do actually saves the world. Even something as small as pushing a button. Lots to talk about there, but in the show, one guy doesn't believe it and actually breaks the computer making it impossible for them to release the build up of electric magnetic pressure. There is a spot under the ground that a special key goes into and it is the fail safe to release it if something should happen to the computer. Before it was entered the pressure built up was so strong that it forced everyone on the island to have intense pain in their ears. Something was getting ready to explode.

That is how I felt yesterday. Not sure how long things have been building up inside of me, or why really, but I just know out of no where I started crying. It wasn't really like one tear then another until a flood of tears came. It was more like a dam being crushed as my emotions all poured out into my car. There are several things that caused me to explode. For some reason lately I have been dreaming about my mom. It isn't that I mind necessarily dreaming of my mother, but it is just easier not thinking about her. I think this is why most of my siblings don't talk about her anymore. And as I am realizing, if we don't share the miracles in our lives, over time they disappear. And I feel that is what is happening with my mother at times.

I watched a video of her the other day. It was maybe 20 seconds long as she was sitting on Santa's lap. She was saying things to him in the midst of a crowded, conversation filled room. I strained to hear her voice only to discover I didn't know it anymore. I think this is what caused my dreams to start. Some dreams are of just seeing her. Some are of me trying to hug her. Some are of her talking to other people the way she used to so much. I miss her. I miss her laugh, and her smile, and her guidance. I miss the security of having a mother, someone who will no matter what happens be there for you.

One of my friends told me I have lost people that I have loved, and this continues to happen in my life. I am grieving that, even things from my past. But another friend told me, "Who hasn't lost people they have loved?". He was explaining that we have all loved and lost. And with that comes so much pain and confusion for the future. Will I ever love again? SHOULD I ever love again? The truth is people fail us. They die, leave, change, and are faulty. But then, I too am guilty of this. I am sure I have left those who have loved me strongly. I guess that is this thing called life. My first friend reminded me that God never leaves us. I feel that I know that is true. I don't feel like He is going to abandon me or leave me here to suffer or figure things out on my own. Or do I? I mean, when my bills are due and I don't have money, do I not feel let down? Or when I find out I am not pregnant AGAIN each month, has He not forgotten me? I think I do struggle with those thoughts. Not the ones that float around in my mind, but the ones that take root in my heart.

But the strange thing about feeling alone, is that so many people feel this way. And that creates a group full of people who feel alone, but ironically, are not.

So as I try to figure out these mother dreams that keep coming at night, I pray for God's breath, I pray for Kingdom focus, I just pray. And all of these prayers draw me closer to Him. And isn't that the point?

homeward bound

The drive home is hot and cold as Drew and I keep switching the temperature controller to accommodate our needs. He is hot, I am cold. So we compromise in the middle where he remains a bit sweaty and I, a bit chilled. But that is us. Meeting in the middle and living miserably together. ;) Just kidding. But it is the togetherness that makes my goose bumps calm and content.

It has been a long weekend filled with lots of miles. Traveling home from Illinois in a bus covered in diesel. Getting home late to empty our car of the bags from the trip only to put a few things back in them to leave the next day. It was a good trip though, filled with family encouragement and hugs from friends. I love my family and friends. They understand us, and that means so much to me. It feels so good to drive home after a crazy day of meeting with dr. robinsdad and talking about the fall with parents. God is good. He answers prayers and I am so thankful.

May the rest of this week be ever filled with wonder and God's Gift.

one step closer to a closed door, and one step closer to an open one...

wise men

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock." Matthew 7:24

What is the rock for which we have built our homes?

Growing up, I was born into the Catholic church. I can remember walking into the country church that sat on a hill formed graveyard. As I entered the sanctuary my black patten leather shoes that buckled clicked on the stone floor. We always sat near the front, which I thought was a reason to show everyone who we were. We were known in the community, I had a large extended family. I later decided my parents wanted to sit near the front so when they had to take me outside the doors to spank me, which happened at least once a month, everyone could see what was happening. I liked that church even though now thinking back it feels cold to me. Dead, ritualistic, yet traditional. Years later we converted to a much more freeing conservative, non-instrumental church. We met good people there. Church seemed more like a family, and it seemed I could actually meet people who were trying to make good, Christ like decisions. So, I began making my decisions based on these people.

I began to learn scripture. Certain scriptures though. It never struck me as funny that we would take scriptures out of the bible stories and memorize them, applying them to our lives, without reading the context to which they were written. For example, I memorized with my class I Corinthians 13. The famous chapter on love. I, along with 9 other 10 year olds, stood in front of our small assembly and recited, "Tho I speak with the tongues of men and of angels and have not love, I am nothing." . I never read what the chapter before this chapter is on. Do you know?

Spiritual Gifts.

We never once in the 10 years that I went to this church discussed spiritual gifts. Doesn't that sound crazy? Why were they afraid to even discuss things they didn't understand? So I learned about love, which was good. But we never did discuss that "tongues of men and of angels" part. I assumed it was something that was in bible days. That is how they explained everything they didn't understand. They would just say that only happened in bible days. What a shame. Thousands of people are out there with unopened gifts from the King.

So I began to build my house. But what foundation had I laid all of my verses on? Jesus tells us the wise man built is house on the 'rock'. What is my rock? When the storms actually do come, and I start to question everything that has ever happened to me in my life, and sorrow sets in, what is the rock that I cling to, that I stand on confidently?

Hearing the word, putting it into practice, this is the rock to which all of my foundations should sit. I have found that I MUST find scriptures to vanquish the enemies arrows and prove to me that God is with me. These scriptures don't just come out of thin air, they must be learned. They must be heard, and applied, and built upon. I need more of them. I believe the bible is the single most dangerous weapon to be used in all of history. It dissipates hate with love, heals the hurting, comforts the lonely, directs the paths of the righteous, but most importantly, it is the key that opens the door to God's breath.

Knowing this, believing it all to be true, I sit back wondering about life and stop to think, "what did I do with my bible"?

the woman in the window

Driving past a small community in IL, I noticed a woman on the top floor of her house. She was in her upper bedroom with the window open. She sat with her arms folded on the window pane and I wondered what she was thinking.

What do people do in these small towns on lazy Sunday mornings? Maybe she was listening to the birds chirping, or feeling the wind on her skin reminding herself that she is alive. Existing. She is just existing. I wondered what I would feel if I was in a town of that size, probably 1,000 people. Would I dread life? Would I find anything exciting? Who would be my world? Most people live in the world of their children. They spend years watching them grow, being involved with their lives. From day one, they give their parents something to do. Changing diapers, feedings, this is how you walk, say, "mama", hit the ball, what a beautiful rainbow!, first day of school, classroom helper, soccer practice, dance recitals, braces, first kiss, study hard, go to the dance, growing up so fast, graduation........and on it goes forever. If it isn't your kids, then it is grandkids. I have even heard parents say, "My kids are my life". There isn't anything wrong with that, but I wonder, what if someone never had kids? Do they not have a life? I know there are many things to do besides have kids. One can better themselves with studying, community help, serving others, taking care of loved ones, travel etc. But this lady in the window, it seemed she longed for more.

I know I wont be that woman in the window. Not that I couldn't be, but that I know I wont sit still long enough to let it happen. There is always something I want to do, or someone I want to talk to. But in a way, I also envy her. She has found the gift of sitting, listening, and waiting. And it is in that place where we can find peace.

this grassy ark

It has been a good, but long weekend. And many things have happened that have caused me to think.

Someone mentioned to me the other day that it seemed Drew & I don't like being Christians because we are always talking bad about the church. Even to write that makes me cry. I would never want to come across as a Church hater, or a Christian hater, but I guess that is the air we put off. Jesus loved the church so much, and so do I. But as I was kid proffing my house this weekend, putting away all inappropriate materials, or any that would cause conversations I don't feel like having, I wondered, "who the heck am I?"

We watched a show one time about this guy who wasn't a Christian, but wanted to understand the culture so he set out to live like one. He made rules for himself, only shopping at the Christian Family Bookstore, only going to Christian sites for any info (news, entertainment etc), only renting Christian movies and even eating 'Christian' foods. He made his family do it too, which they hated. At the end, he talked about how Christians who put themselves on this 'ark' are missing it. We even do a skit (inspired by this documentary) about living on the ark. "If the world can't touch you, you can't touch the world" But where is the balance?

My brother went to school at CMU. He had one Christian friend, but got along better with other guys who weren't 'Christians', but great guys. So now, he has a different way of seeing things than I do. Mostly because I went to a Christian College where wordly influences were not as visable. He lives a bit differently than I do, but he also wishes he had a community like me. It is hard for him to find good friends, and as he walks through life, it is hard for him to find a church that he would like to go to.

After our parents died, Kelly and I kept going to the same church where we grew up, super conservative. I stopped going eventually (mostly because I moved) and he told me about one Sunday when he brought a friend. The church didn't have any elders, or even a preacher at this time. (They haven't had elders in almost 20 years...yes, i know) The person that was chosen to speak for the day (the men would take turns) decided to get the phone book and go through it naming all of the other churches that were NOT going to Heaven. My brothers friend was a member of one of those churches. A bit uncomfortable. Needless to say, he stopped going, and hasn't been back to a church yet. I mean, he has visited, but nothing membershipy.

I could post all day about those I love who have gotten burned by the church, and the reasons they did, but then what? As a Jesus lover, where does that leave me to bitch about the church constantly? We didn't go to church on Sunday because it was going to be cheesy. My sister didn't want to go, and either did Drew. But when it came down to telling the boys why we were deciding not to go, what were we to tell them? It is too cheesy? The drama sucks? The music is stupid? They aren't creative enough? They are too big? They are too little? I could think of excused all day as to why to stay off the Christian Bookstore Ark, but as I asked Drew last night, where do I stand?

I don't feel like living in the ark is right. Surrounding myself only with Christian things isn't what Jesus intended. I read a website the other day from a couple who had posted thier family creed. It said, "We will only surround ourselves with good Christian friends.". It made me mad. I thought, are people who are not Christians bad people? It is like those on the ark believe those who are not are like poison or something. My mentor told me I would change my mind when I have kids. Maybe that is true, but I just can't close my heart off to good people. Nor do I feel like I should. Jesus was ALWAYS with the sinners. They walked with him. But as Jay Baker said, "We teach our kids, 'Be like Jesus and stay away from those sinners'" Yeah right.

So where is the middle ground and how do I get there? I don't want to be on the ark, yet I am not off of it either. I am standing on the ramp wondering where the rest of the world is, feeling ashamed that I am not on one side or the other. But I don't think I should be feeling ashamed. I just want to live in a world where people love each other, and don't judge. Where they aren't selfishly talking about themselves, their wants, their likes etc. all the time. It is like it is impossible. Can't we just love one another where we are? Even if that means that you are on the ark, I am on the ramp, and someone else is on the grass?

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing."

Johanna B

I am sitting here (as my usual blog time, sunday driving home from a show) and watching Johanna sit in the shadows and work on her computer at the table and I am reminded of how blessed we are. I don't usually single people out to blog about, especially knowing all of you (and her) read this, BUT i just feel the need to express.

Something looks different. As i look at her, I see, a woman. An independent woman sits with confidence and gesture. She is beginning to understand who she is and why she is, and in that reflection shows me who I am. I see provision on her as she sits and types. Often I find her sitting curled up just looking at the world passing us by. As the rest of us pull the blinders down not to notice. beauty missed. We don't have time to enjoy sunsets and passing travelers. But not Johanna, she SEEs life out of eyes filled with beauty. She is hard on herself, but that is because her heart longs to be closer to Him. He has called her to such greatness, to which she has overly proven that seat. He smiles. and watches her dance. for Him.

Her stage presence was different this weekend. She walked with firm feet. She stood tall like the trees of Lebanon. She smiled. And was a bit feisty. Which i liked.

I said the other day that i wanted Hanna's laugh as my "you've got mail" sound. I told Drew that no matter what kind of mood i am in, her laugh WILL make me smile. i think he is now trying to figure out how to make this recording happen ;).

I think beauty is rare in a way. I mean, it IS all around us, lying unnoticed. but when beauty is discovered by beauty....i think this would happen more often if I would remember to keep the shades up.

so....just know Johanna, we are so blessed to have you with us.

I am blessed to jump in the ocean with you

and take walks & talks.

I am blessed to eat with you

and hear your laugh.

I am blessed by your sweet beckoning spirit that reminds me to look deep & keep learning.

I am blessed to watch you love on others,

and be loved.

I am blessed to call you friend.

Hanging with you is like eating superman ice cream with bubble gum pieces.

<3 kat

F Words

i Found myself waking this morning to the need to start the day. i picked up my phone to look at the time and it Fell out of my hands and onto the Floor.

i sighed as my insides told me, today is going to be an F day.

pulling myself out of bed, i moved Forward and downward to pour myself some juice. after which i decided to make a latte. my brother was up...he always makes me laugh. i poured the milk, it was sour. using another gallon i started to steam. half way through it stopped steaming. mid steam. there is nothing worse on a cold morning than luke warm coffee.

F day.

my starbucks brother told me to clean the wand, it had lime i guess, so i Followed instructions and went Forth. an hour later i was sipping a hot latte. i decided to Finish the First project i had to do today. i am sending out shower invites For my sister-in-law, aiko.

i sat to check my email, surf For a Few items on the web to help me with some things and i notice my mail isn't sending. no internet. not sure why. i guess it just decided to not work. so i moved on. what else can you do? the printer.

two hours later i decided i wasn't smarter than the printer, it had won, and i made the call. my personal computer guy isn't like most, he is one of my best Friends, and i am thankful, and grateful, and blessed by him. he Fixed my printer problem in 15 minutes.

with everything printed i started to put it all together, that is when i got up to pee and noticed i had stepped in ajax poop. typically this isn't bad, his poops are hard and small like a ball, but we have been Feeding him greens and i guess they went through him because it was soft, and squishy on the Floor. but i didn't notice until i was out of the bathroom Finding poop on the carpet, wall, and on my shoe. (don't ask how it got on the wall...still not sure)

it was almost Five and i was supposed to go to church with a Friend. i wanted to go, but i had set a few realistic goals (realistic before all the problems) to get done before i left, all of which i could not do (see above). i really didn't have time to go, but i Felt i should, so i wasn't sure what to do. seeing me struggle, kelly and drew told me to not go. so i called my Friend whom i never see and told her i wasn't going to make it. i started to explain, and my call was dropped.

F day.

i threw my phone (very mature i know) and stormed upstairs, slamming my door and collapsing on my bed in tears. i hid under the covers begging the Lord to end the world. nothing. so i got up, told drew i was leaving and took the car. i drove to my Friends church and circled the parking lot until i decided to just go in. i felt 'led'.

she was surprised and that was nice. we settled in to the bible study only to find out the topic was on.....money.

F day.

seriously, did i really need a lesson on right spending when i have been trying to Figure out how i am going to pay my dental bill? the Lord had just provided For me the night before, covering my First appointment, so i thought, i might as well stay. i had to anyway, i didn't want to let down my Friend, and i drove all that way.

the lesson was Fine. the typical things, don't have a credit card, don't be rich, share your money, you are more rich than most in the world, etc etc. then their was worship. there was a moment...breath.

i prayed For Jesus to come back, to which he Failed to do. and so i decided that two hours were enough to let drew worry about me. i asked my Friend to call drew (i left without my phone) to let him know i was stopping for gas and then i would be home. i left.

i decided to take the back roads. i made it to michigan ave. then it went into gear, then out, stuck clutch, pulled over. Deep breaths. the clutch was stuck. it was stuck to the Floor.

F day.

i tried to put the emergency Flashers on. they were broke.

F day! F day!

cars going around me, i put my turn signal on and turned off the car. turn signal off. ok, so i guess the car has to be on for the turn signal to work. so i turn the car back on and walk to the gas station next to where i was parked. i was sure it was closed but it was open. this wasn't the best corner for me to break down on. lots of truckers, scary people. i had no phone.

F day. F day. F day.

i went in and asked the man to use the phone, he pointed to the pay phone.
So...i walked to the pay phone, dead.

i went in and asked the man who could speak no english if i could use the phone. he pointed to another phone, i started walking and praying drew would answer. his number is the only one i have memorized. i felt stupid.

i saw it was only 5o cents to call, so i Found the change and made the call. one ring.....two rings...."hello...wait hold on a second, someone wants to tell you something". if you have called drew, you know what i am talking about. i, through tears, left a message. it was the only number i knew. 203..that is kelly, i think there are more numbers though. 615-517...that one is zito, missing a Few digits. Ryan, 734-516...i think there is a 9 in the next part. why can't i remember phone numbers???? 419..that is kari. 616-669-7662 that one is lou, drew's mom. but she just tried to get new service, so thier phone number that they have had For 20 years is on hold, not working. 989-828-6918. i think that might be my uncle gordon's number..but not For sure. it is something like that though. but truthfully, what is he going to do, he is in shepherd.

F day.

i walked back into the gas station to have another man ask me if i needed help, to which i responded, "no thanks, my husband is coming" ...at least, i hoped he was.

in reality, i only waited For maybe 10 min. but it was long enough For me to beat myself up about all the things that happened to me through out the day. i held in my tears, and in walked drew. i am not sure how long i stood there sobbing, but i have never been so glad to see him. i was helpless.

cops came, kelly and drew pushed the car into a lot and drew is now calling a tow truck and Finding a place to take the car.

i love the boys in my life. they all take care of me in so many ways. i really am the luckiest of women. but please Lord, please let this F day end.

F can stand For so many things. today it was Frustration. although i must admit i thought a Few other F words today too. but when i am in bed tonight, i am going to pray Faithfulness...Faithfulness...Faithfulness.

Hope Lifts

I love my life.

I love the road, and the smells that it brings. I sit and watch the Georgia sunset and wonder how in the world did God bring me to this place? I am so blessed. I must be among the riches of the rich, feeling the presence of the King as He gives and gives his blessings and love to me. I recognize Him in the relationships that I am privileged to partake in. The new ones, and the aged ones. Each has His image, and I see it. How did I get here? I wonder as I ride down this highway and feel the comfortable cushion underneath me. Sipping Dr. Pepper and wondering what tomorrow could possibly hold that would take my breath away more than today. I am loved. I am known. I am held. By Him, the holder of all things. There are things in my life I don't understand, and wish I had, but He hears me. This I know.

I have been thinking much on hope lately, and the danger it brings to my life. The bible tells me that Hope never disappoints. I live and breathe based on what the Word tells me. However, this one is hard to understand. If this Hope that it speaks of means in life, based on eternity, then yes, Hope Never disappoints. I know that I will find my home with Jesus, and long for the day of constant, uninterrupted commune with him and my Father. But if it means no disappointment now, I am lost.

I went to a Hallmark store when we were in MO about a month ago. I never go into that store, but I was bored and looking for a card for someone. As I was walking, I saw these little angel statues. I am sure most of you have seen them. They are wooden and show friends, or mom, dad and kids. But then I saw this one, that sort of struck me. It was a child holding a balloon. He was looking up at the balloon as if he was about to leave the earth. The balloon was made of wire and written in it was the word, "Hope".

It was entitled "Hope Lifts Us Up".

Hope lifts. It said something to me. I just stood there staring at it. And crying. I forced myself to think about the children my heart longs for. I have prayed and tried for so long to have a child of my own. And it seems that every time I see one, something in me yearns, longs, exasperates for it. Timing. I know. I have heard the sermon. Tell "wait" to my heart one more time and it will laugh. Wait is tattooed on the outside of my heart and has been there so long it feels like home. And that is where Hope knocks. He is like a kid playing a trick on my heart. You know the trick, there is a knock on the door and you go to see who it is, but when you open the door, no one is there. And when you close the door, there is another knock. I find myself playing this game with Hope month after month, year after year. And I cant help but fall for it's trickery. I MUST open the door. Every time I come to the conclusion that this time I will not answer, I see something in the window. A moment, then hidden. Brown eyes, brown hair. That smile. A child playing tricks. knocking, then running away with jumps and giggles. I must answer. I must open the door to Hope. It isn't disappointing, that is the wrong word. Hope is hidden.

I visited my sister last week. On the drive there I was thinking and praying about this Hope that bugs me so much. I was thinking of that little statue that struck my heart that day in MO. Hope lifts...Hope lifts.... I thought of calling Drew and telling him that I liked it, I knew if I told him I liked it, that he would buy it for me. He spoils me like that. But then I thought, no, I don't really need it, and I just kept driving and continued praying about the things in my life.

I had a great visit with my sister and nephews. I hadn't seen them since Christmas (way too long) and the visit was priceless to me. It was almost time for me to leave and my sister was showing me some cards she had just received in the mail from friends (she makes cards and sells them to raise money for the adoption of their little girl in China. Kariscards.org). Then she said, "Oh! I got this for you. I went into this store for no reason really, and I saw this and felt like you should have it".




He heard me. He hears me.


I am not content with living facing forward. My gaze must always be different than the most. It must look past the obvious, and into the Promise. It must look up. That is where my home is. That is where I see Hope. That is when it Lifts.