To be continued ...

Don’t you hate those shows that keep you in suspense for an entire summer and you don’t know what’s going to happen?!? Well, I’m gonna do that, sort of.

I took a pregnancy test last night and had bloodwork this morning. Both had the same result - negative. This is normally where I say thanks for watching and it was a sad ending etc, but that’s not really what’s in my heart. My heart is saying, “that’s interesting...what’s next?”.

It’s not the end of the story or the end of a season, but it IS at least the end of the page and maybe a small chapter. God for sure could bless us naturally with a child I carry, but we are going to continue asking him, “what else ya got?”.  I think God likes people to do that, even though that’s pretty scary. Even though there’s a lot of unknowns. Even though we have no idea where He’s taking us. Sometimes the most beautiful things come from the scariest leaps. So let’s just see what that’s about.

We have appreciated your prayers, your hopes, your food, your texts, your kindness, and so much more. We have the best family and friends. I will keep blogging about our next steps and maybe a few other things as well. I think it’s good for me. :)

May we all have a restful Memorial Day weekend.


Kat

3 more days

Happy Sunday!

This is it guys, this is the week we figure out what the rest of our lives will be like. Nothing like a heavy thought, right? LOL.  But honestly I haven't thought about it much. I've been busy doing my normal life of chasing a toddler, chasing a puppy, keeping a house sort of put together, feeding my people, laundry, having a friend help me with my lawn and another help me with my flowers. I keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Because no matter what, the sun rises, then it goes down, then it rises again. No matter what.  No matter what we are feeling or how we want time to go faster so I can know if this treatment worked, or have time stand still to capture Asher in his awesome and complicated toddlerhood, or have time go backwards to be with those who are now with Jesus.  No, the best place for time to be is right here, right now.  I have to realize that even if today is hard, one day I will wish it was today again.  I will forget how hard the hard was and I will remember the joy. The dog licking and jumping and nipping and barking will somehow fade away to remembering Asher laying in his dog bed and saying, "Busta...Busta Busta!".   I will remember that I tried to be fully present in these days that seem to fly by with busy. Because it's important to go for walks and have light saber fights. And its important to stop cleaning to pray with a friend.  And it's important to walk across the street and take in my yard, my house, my tree, my garage and even my bent mailbox that now reminds me of the family I love. These things are important. 

So my boobs hurt.  I'm taking progesterone cream and estrogen as part of the protocol. And I'm having CRAZY dreams about babies and Asher and houses and weird stuff.  This morning I had that "I'm starting my period" feeling where my stomach gets upset and I end up in the bathroom.  But I wasn't scared or fearful - at - all.  I was just kinda of matter of fact. I'm trying to maintain the idea that God has our best in mind.  When I had Asher I couldn't imagine a gift like that.  I mean, he was the CUTEST and he's a joy giver and he is so loved by God. One of the best gifts ever. God has his BEST for us.  And if being pregnant isn't His best, then His best is coming. And that is exciting!  So, no period yet.  And the boobs hurting and dreams and craving cream cheese could easily be a time of the month thing for me because it's too early for any of that to be pregnancy.  My hormones can be crazy.  But I'm standing, and believing God to do something amazing.

I will post here Wednesday night with all the details of our continued story.  Thank you for praying and walking with us! We love you all so much and I pray you have an amazing week.

For now....

Kat

Healing up and Mother's Day thoughts.

Happy Mothers day! But first this:

Hey everyone.  It's a cold, dark and rainy day today here in Shelby Township.  It's a good day to rest up.  Yesterday went well.  I had an 8am appointment with a laser acupuncturist and it was pretty cool! The idea is there is energy running through our bodies and in certain areas it tends to "pool" or get stuck.  Stress does this as well as poor eating, environment etc. The needles or lasers act as a bridge and release this energy which can also cause better blood flow to the uterus.  It's also relaxing so that's good.  I've never done acupuncture before so it was nice to see how it works as well as get to know Rhonda.  She got married later in life and wanted a family so she got pregnant when she was 43.  So it was nice to be with someone who actually believed it was possible for me.  She also told me about a school her son goes to and it sounds perfect for Asher.  That's another year down the road, but it was great to have the connection.

After I was done, Drew was also done with his appointment so we had about an hour or so to go get breakfast.  We found a cool diner not far and really enjoyed having breakfast together.  It's not very often we can do that together so that was nice.  Back to the office we go for the IUI.  The nurse was a nurse who I'd met and talked with on Saturday so it was nice to see a familiar face. She is very kind. She told us the sperm count and mobility was better than we expected so that was great! After the procedure (which doesn't hurt at all) I laid there for about 10 minutes and then we went home.

The rest of the day I spent laying in bed. It was nice to have the time to just lay in bed.  Theoretically, with an IUI once the sperm are in, you can live your life however you want. They say don't exercise for the day, but after that we can continue on with life as normal. But I have been feeling really run down and my body is tired and sore.  So I'm thankful I have to option to rest. My awesome mother-in-law Lou came to help out and that has been a HUGE blessing.  She bought me flowers, brings me food, but most of all she is keeping things running around here.  Right now she's with Asher running around town and I'm sure they are both having a blast.  Again, making it possible for me to rest and for Drew to get some writing done.

So what's next? Yeah, this is the long boring part.  So after this weekend I have an appointment on Wednesday and will start my progesterone and then we wait. Implantation could happen anytime after Monday and we could know if all of this craziness worked in about 2 weeks or so.  So I guess we hope and pray and wait and believe.  I know God has an amazing plan for our family.  I don't know what it is but I'm believing He has our best in mind. And that's good enough for me. 

Today is also a sad day as it's the funeral in Georgia and memorial in Michigan for my friend Shannon who past away last week.  Her husband had to be alone a few days ago on their anniversary as well.  What an extremely hard situation.  I'm continuing to pray for them as well as remember all that Shannon stood for.  She stood up for the underdog.  She was fierce! When something wasn't right she would demand justice.  She was one of the people who kept a lot of our friendships together and would call out the "let's meet guys".  She will be deeply missed by so many people.  May God bless her family and may she be living in glorious radiance. 

Mothers Day... both tender and painful. It's such a strange feeling to be happy and sad at the same time.  I'm reminded of Inside Out when Joy has do discover that Sadness is really necessary and needed to have TRUE joy. So they walk hand in hand throughout life's ups and downs.  I miss my mom and the many Mothers Day's without her.  I'm thankful for my other mom's, especially Sweet Lou and my friend Rhonda. They always know what to say to ease my heart and guide my life. My heart hurts for my many friends who have not experienced growing their own family yet. I know that hurt. I know how badly I used to hate Mother's Day. It wasn't something to be celebrated. It was difficult and painful. It's still like that sometimes, but I know it's like that for a lot of women. We are all mother's really. Each of us birth dreams. Each of us nurture our relationships. Each of us sow into our work and reap rewards.  So here's to all of us women great and small. We are awesome.

Day 16 - triggered.

That's a big number - day 16.  Most women trigger at day 12 or 14 at the latest.  I had an ultrasound last Tuesday and another one Wednesday.  Tuesday everything was growing although it was slow.  I also asked the nurse about the Goneril that I have because I have like 8 boxes and I've never used it.  She looked at me with big eyes and then said, "what do you mean you've never used it". I told her no one ever told me to use it.  She looked on my chart and it stated that the Saturday before I was supposed to start taking it, but the nurse didn't tell me.  So she told me not to worry and that it probably would've only helped a little since I'm slow growing anyway.  I have to admit I wasn't very happy.  I told her that's fine but I felt upset because I spent money on those meds that I never used. SO frustrating.  So needless to say they added it to my protocol for the night.  That was Tuesday.  Wednesday's appointment came and my 2 bigger follicles did move up one point, so I had a 14, a 17 and an 11.  The 11 didn't move at all and they said probably not to count on that one.  The phone call from the nurse that day wasn't very fun.  She explained that my estrogen went down and that is a sign that I could ovulate.  She did say sometimes goneril will make estrogen go down, but they weren't sure that's what it was and they didn't want to chance my body going into ovulation so Dr. C decided I should do the trigger shot that night (Wednesday night).  That shot basically signals the body to ovulate.  So she wanted to talk about the risks of doing IVF with only 2 possible eggs.  This was the worst outcome.

She told us that of course 2 follicles doesn't mean 2 eggs. And the possible 2 eggs doesn't mean they will fertilize. And if they fertilize it doesn't mean they will implant.  And those odds are the same with any number of eggs, however with retrieval the average of eggs that fertilize are 50%.  So IF she got 2 eggs, MAYBE one would fertilize.  The other thing she talked about was the development of the eggs.  18mm is the size they look for. Mine were not there.  The best case scenario is that hopefully by retrieval day that 17 would be an 18.  Most likely it would, but there's still all the other factors.

We had been wrestling about what to do as we felt led to this process and expected better results.  When we started we prayerfully moved forward each step waiting to hear from God.  I asked him to make it clear and give us PEACE.  Dr. C told us she wouldn't do retrieval with less than 3 eggs.  And then we had only 3.  So now we had to choose what to do.  It was an extremely hard decision.  I didn't want to make it.  And I kept hearing, "you don't have to make it right now". So I waited until I did have to make it.  And honestly, God was so gracious.  Because the way the nurse explained everything, she said it really wasn't a good idea.  So we felt peace when we decided to cancel our IVF cycle. I wanted to do it, but not like this. And I've walked enough roads to know if this was something God wanted then the road would be clear and the message would be GO, but that's not where we found the PEACE.

So now what? Well, the stim meds were very expensive and of course we don't want to just stop everything so we've switched to the IUI method.  This method is MUCH easier, simpler etc.  Instead of removing my eggs and injecting the sperm into it, creating an embryo, the IUI let's your body do the work.  So once I've triggered ovulation, they place the sperm in the uterus as close to the eggs as they can get them. Then I lay there for a bit.  Then I go on with life and wait.  It's pretty much like the traditional way of trying to conceive but the sperm doesn't have to travel as far.  This is a good thing for us!

Now the debbie downer part.  We've done IUI's.  Lot's of them.  100% unsuccessful.  As Drew would say, we have had 100% success at IVF (we only did one) and 100% failure at IUI.  It's true. I'm not too hopeful. BUT, I am finishing the process.  And honestly, if God really does make us pregnant through this process I will spend the next 9 months in even more shock then what I was when I was pregnant with Asher.  Serious shock people.  God once again reminds me of the story when the disciples were in the boat and they had been fishing all night but caught nothing.  Jesus shows up and says, "hey, cast your net on the other side".  And the scripture says:

When Jesus had finished speaking, He said to Simon, “Put out into deep water and let down your nets for a catch.” 5“Master, Simon replied,“we have worked through the night without catching anything. But because You say so, I will let down the nets.” 6When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to tear.…

Jesus.  When Jesus says let down your nets in that empty place, you'd better listen.  I don't know why we are on this path, I really don't.  But I DO know I want to follow him wherever he leads us. And if he tells me to go into deeper water and do something I've done a million times before in a dark season with no results, I'm going to do it. God's kingdom plans are big.  I keep trying to connect to the kingdom vision of it all.  Even if it's just a testimony that we were faithful to walk where he said walk, that's enough.  But maybe, just maybe he has more than that.  We shall see. 

IUI (fish catching) scheduled for tomorrow (friday) at 10:30.

Thank you again for the millions of prayers.  We know lots of you are going through dark times and we stand in prayer with your miracle as well.  We love you so. 

D, K and A

The image Drew saw a little bit after our phone call

Day 11

Thank you for your prayers and for following. It's been the craziest week.  To begin with a good friend of mine from college passed away unexpectedly.  We still aren't sure what happened but most of us were in shock for most of the week.  Shannon was an amazing person.  She loved well and she cared about so many people.  She wasn't a stranger to anyone and she was real with anyone she met.  I sadly didn't see her often as she lived in Georgia, but I know she will be deeply missed.  Please keep her family in your prayers.  She left behind 2 young girls and her husband.  They have a hard road ahead of them but I know from personal experience of losing both parents in my teens that God can heal, protect and cause amazing redemption out of stories that seem impossible. Rest in Peace my friend. God will take care of the rest and we will see you soon. 

thanks kwaun for the photo. xoxo

This week we have had a few appointments monitoring our process. My follicles have been slow growing and my estrogen as well. With each appointment their voices get more serious and sad.  My last appointment was yesterday at the Warren office which isn't my favorite. I felt pretty good as I went in but that quickly changed. They took my blood and then put me in a holding room and from there they walked me back for my ultrasound.  This time, it was in the same room where they do the surgeries and when I walked in there I felt like I was going to throw up. I remembered last time and how I felt scared for retrieval. I remembered how Dr. B made me feel comfortable and showed hope in his eyes. This time I had a new ultrasound tech who didn't even tell me her name.  She was nice enough, but I had to ask questions along the way.  In this office you definitely feel more like a number then a person.  So many patients.  The result of the ultrasound is we lost the follicle on the left and we also are down to only 3 follicles on the right.  The size's are one 10, and 2 less than 8.  Our goal is to reach 18mm. The earliest retrieval would be trigger shot Tuesday and retrieval Wednesday.  We will not be doing that.  The latest I think is trigger Thursday and Retrieval Friday. Then we would wait 3-5 days for insemination. Dr. C told us she won't do retrieval with less than 3 eggs.  Right now I have 1 that might make it and 2 that are hanging on. We do have options. We can decide to not go to retrieval but switch to an IUI cycle which has never been successful for us, but again - God.  If we did that we would continue on meds until they are big enough and they would trigger us (we would take a shot to release the eggs) and do the IUI and hope for conception. Knowing that last time we had 17 follicles, 11 eggs (not all follicles have eggs), 7 fertilized and 3 were successful embryos........these odds seem pretty scary.  Those are the facts.

But can we be raw and real for a minute? God is amazing. He is all knowing. He has the master plan for my life and knows exactly what our future holds.  If God wants to make us pregnant, he could do that without IVF. He brings dead things to life.  That's one of the things He loves to do.  So as we prayerfully consider what's next we wrestle with things like prophecy and God's will.  We sat in a room full of people while someone announced to us that we would have a baby girl from my womb. And countless times throughout the years people have mentioned twins to us.  But here's the thing, we can't MAKE that happen. We can't make God do anything (nor would we want to) and we can't make life.  So, wow - what a gutsy move to be a prophet these days and be specific because even though they were just repeating what they were hearing, whew, that's a lot to throw out to a room full of people who are really paying attention.  So honestly, we do wrestle with the prophetic. It's a love/hate relationship with me.  All we can do is make ourselves available which I feel like we have.  And allow God room to move.  He may choose this route. He may choose another, but either way we want to be right in the middle of Him moving. So we are trying to hear God speak this week as we make these difficult decisions.

Thank you so much for walking with us during this time. My next appointment is Tuesday and we will see how things are continuing to grow.  My belly is sore from shots, my ovaries are starting to feel bloated and uncomfortable (even though they aren't growing that well) and I'm feeling pretty emotional and tired these days. But I know the end is in site and God is with us.  So we know all things work together for the good for those that love Christ Jesus.  And we are praying for peace in whatever way He leads us. 

IVF = no joke.

kat

Day 6

So I had my appointment this morning and I’ve been bracing myself to accept the fact that this IVF thing might not happen. My body isn’t cooperating and I’m now entering the EMOTIONAL ZONE.... where everything makes me cry. BUT I’m still trying to maintain my understanding and complete agreement with the fact that this is 100% in Gods hands. He has his best for us so whatever that is, so be it.

That said, my estrogen is growing! She saw 5 follicles. One on the left and 4 on the right. Which is good. My left side is always wonky. My left foot is bigger. My left eye won’t open as big as my right eye. Left side is so lame. So I have one good follicles on the right. The others are there, just growing slow.  Which isn’t bad, but they still increased my low dose HCG. So I go back on Thursday to see how things are cooking. My mother in law - sweet Lou - arrives on Thursday and I’m so excited. This weekend will be filled with family and fun so I’m looking forward to that.

My prayers are continuing to ask God for direction. Asking Him for His will to be done. Asking for peace and grace. And that my emotions will be a little more under control. Oh, and no headaches. I haven’t felt very good the past few days. Headaches and upset stomach. :(

Now I’m going To sleep. Love you all.

Day 1 - 4

Happy Sunday!

We are now well into our first week of fertility stims. I had a good week as far as emotions go so thats helpful for everyone. HA! I woke up Wednesday and looked out my window to see 3 little bunnies jumping around my yard.  I took that as a great sign for starting my treatments.

Wednesday - Day 1
My appointment on Wednesday went well.  The nurse found 3 follicles on my left and 3 on the right.  The follicles are what holds the eggs. In a normal cycle the body will have many and as the cycle goes on the strongest follicle stays and releases one egg.  In IVF we try to get as many eggs as possible to retrieve so we can have a chance of creating embryo's to transfer. We have no control over the number of follicles we have to work with. So I was thankful to have 6 to start. The Dr. had stated at the beginning that it wasn't many, but it was doable.  So we are going with it! We did blood work so we have a base to start with and to monitor estrogen and progesterone.

Day 2 - nightly shots - Gonel-F and low dose HCG.
Day 3 - nightly shots - Drew is doing good! He's a good shot giver.

Day 4 - 8:30 am appt in Warren.  I don't really like the Warren office. I mean, it's different and not like the normal office I go to.  It's a reminder that Dr. B isn't my doctor.  But, I'm trying to embrace what's now.  The office was very busy, buzzing with hopeful women and men.  I wondered about their stories, if they were at the beginning or maybe the middle of their journey. And I pray God fills their hearts and homes with lots of Joy and Laughter.  I had my ultrasound and they found 1 less follicle then on Wednesday.  Sometimes things can change.  Or maybe the person who did the first one didn't count properly.  It's hard to say.  But either way, that wasn't good. I got the results from my blood work that showed my estrogen isn't raising.  If it doesn't raise then the follicles won't grow.  She said we would have to have 3 good follicles to do retrieval.  3.  That's not very many.  Our first IVF we have 17 follicles and retrieved 10 eggs. By transfer day we had 3 embryo's and one of them stuck. - ASHER! WHOOP! But, as you can see, this time around the numbers are much less.  Not impossible, but yikes. The nurse told us we are doing the strongest meds we can right now so that's good. So we keep going and see what happens.

Our prayers.
Our prayers are that God would give us CLEAR direction.  That if this isn't the road for us, He would make it clear or impossible for retrieval to happen. Or if this is God's intent then we would see it CLEARLY.  We know God has a plan for us, but we don't want to guess. We need Him to help us.  Our next appointment will be Tuesday. We will continue to walk with confidence in knowing that God is faithful. 

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We love you all.

D, K & A

And so it begins....

Icing it up!

Asher helping make me a shot day paper chain

Here we go again!

Here we are, trying to be brave! This is the week we start our fertility cycle. I’m excited and nervous but mostly trying to focus on God and what He would have for us. He knows the plan for us before we even started trying. So we are praying we stay right in the middle of His will for us. We are feeling good!

Today is my last day of birth control.
Wednesday I have an ultrasound and blood work.
If everything looks good then we will begin injections Wednesday night. The injections are to help stimulate the follicles in hopes to get several eggs. Our plan is to see how many we get and if they stimulate well.  It’s honestly all so amazing I can hardly believe anyone gets pregnant naturally. But we are believing God to work another miracle for us.

Another ultrasound on Saturday and every 3 days after to monitor what the medicine is doing. I hope to keep updating so everyone who is following will know what's going on.

We ask for prayers:

Please pray for a Peaceful 4 weeks. It can be stressful so we are planning on lots of resting and relaxing.

Please pray my body reacts well and we get enough eggs to go through with the procedure.

Please pray for our schedule. We work with awesome people who are super flexible about us having dr appts etc. But we also have to figure out Asher’s schedule in the middle of it all. So prayers for the details please.

We are thankful for all of you! What a crazy journey..here we go!


***All things are possible with God.***

Um, let's pause that.

As many of you know, Asher is 4.  He's a boy. He likes to play video games with his dad as well as watch shows. It's like his favorite thing ever so we have to monitor how long he can do that every day because he would literally spend all day doing them.  He is potty trained (THANK GOD!), but we seem to have an issue when he's in the middle of a game or when he wants to watch his show.  We can always tell he has to go because he starts his potty dance.  Even HE isn't noticing that he is wiggling around and grabbing himself because he has to go potty.  So we tell him, "Asher, pause the game and go potty".  No response.  "Asher! Pause the game".  "I don't have to go", he says. But it is obvious he does.  This usually only goes on no more than 3 times and then he gets frustrated and walks backwards to the bathroom with the remote in his hand so that he can pause it at the very last second.  He doesn't understand the concept of pausing. I mean, pausing doesn't end the show. Pausing doesn't lose your spot. Pausing doesn't ruin your game or make you go down a level.  It actually could help you play the game better because you are no longer wiggling all around while trying to play! But I get that feeling of wanting to do something so bad for whatever reason and you really, really, really don't want to pause the game.  So you wait till the very last minute. But pausing, isn't bad.  Just like Asher, it creates new focus, new possibility and possibly even a new outcome.  

So we hit the pause button. 

I dropped Asher off at school yesterday and I felt so stressed.  I was trying SO HARD to not feel stress but it felt almost impossible.  So I sat for a minute in my car and I imagined what it would be like to do the cycle this month - hurried, messy, un-orderly, chaotic, rushed, stress. Then I imagined what it would be like to push pause.  And it felt just like it does when Asher pushes that button - quiet, relaxed, control, orderly, PEACE. So I headed to work and talked it over with Drew and we have decided to wait another month to do the treatment.  Once we made that decision, we knew it was the right one. Overwhelming PEACE came over me. 

I had my massage last night and it was wonderful. I get 3 treatments with our cycle so I figured I would get a massage now (because I was so stressed) and then one either during stims and maybe one after I have the baby.  I have a year to use them up.  But she told me there are other services.  They also offer laser acupuncture which I've never heard of. She said they've had great success with that.  She said I could also choose to get a facial or see a personal trainer, but then she went on to say that I really didn't need that.  WHAT? That was a blessing cuz I'm not feeling that after winter hibernation.  But I left feeling uplifted to have more information and know that I have time to research and figure out if I want to use that or not. It just felt good to have a little more time. 

I went to my appointment this morning and told them our plan. They were great about it and had a new protocol for me to take home.  So basically I stop the pill for now, restart next week and I will be on that for 3 weeks or so and then we will go in for an ultrasound and blood work and then start stim shots that night.  That will be the end of April/beginning of May.  My trial transfer went great this morning as well, so that's one more thing checked off the list.  She also told me everything else was in, so the only thing left was to order my meds.  I explained to them the issues I was having with that as well as other things and they agreed waiting was a good idea. For those keeping up with schedule, my meds were supposed to be here yesterday (Monday) but when I called them they told me the "bid had expired".  So they had to create a new bid and have the pharmacist look at it and then they would call me.  That was yesterday morning at 9am.  I got the call today around 2.  I could have rushed it to get them here by Thursday, but it didn't feel right. So now I'm not in a rush. YAY! And this will also allow me to have my normal mammogram without skipping it for a year (which is what I would've had to do).  

Also - two people at work came up to us separately to tell us about our children. The first person came up to me last week and didn't know we were doing treatment, and she didn't really want to tell us this, but she really was feeling like we were going to have a baby soon and she felt like she had to tell us.  The other person came up to me today to tell me that she had a dream that she was surrounded by babies and in the middle was a baby girl.  In her dream she said, "that one is Drew and Kat's baby".  And she also didn't want to tell us because those things can be private and hard, but I'm so glad she did. For me, these things tell me God is with us. He is here and no matter what the outcome, He is so close to us all and THAT is really all that matters.

All in all, I feel Peace.  And that is what I prayed for this week.  I'm thanking God for being able to take a few days off to go to a conference with Drew. I'm thankful to have family coming this weekend to celebrate Easter. I'm thankful to have a few days off next week as well to just be with Drew and Asher. I feel very blessed right now.  And I realize that I AM blessed even in times when I don't feel it.  I talked tonight in our bible study about how fire is needed to create beautiful things. I believe that is true. I'm thankful for fire. I'm thankful for Jesus being in the fire with us. I'm thankful that when we come out we won't even smell like smoke.  And I'm thankful that it will create beautiful things. 

New schedule: 

Next 3 weeks, start the pill again. 

Finish loan stuff.

Figure out our septic stuff (we need a new field so if you know anything about any of that we are accepting wise counsel!)

Train the puppy.

Rest. 

Relax.

Pray. 

Eat well. 

Read Scripture.

Sleep well. 

Just Be. 

I can see the waves

Remember that Moses story I talked about earlier? Yeah, remember how it only got more exciting the more crazy it got? Man, that makes for an amazing story, doesn't it? But I have to admit, it sure feels different when it's you standing on that shore.

What a week.

This past week was not very fun.  Every doctor involved didn't pass on information.  They all told me they would do this 2 weeks ago, but...nope.  So I called the fertility doc to verify that everything was coming in and found out nothing had come yet.  So I called my primary, my obgyn as well as my insurance to get things going again.  All of that sounds like it's not a big deal, but it took forever.  One office was always at lunch or not answering the phone, and the other one told me I would have to call back this week to see if the doctor has read the results.  THEN they would fax them over.  Seriously....... tick...tock...tick...tock...

We worked on getting a loan this week to cover some of our expenses.  The loan officer put in my birthdate wrong (as well as my phone number) and so they were requiring me to find my birth certificate and fax it in so they could take a few more business days to verify that I am who I am.  I told them no.  LOL.  I was at my limit and I said I wasn't going to do that.  So they made an exception, however, they still are taking a few more days to look it over.   tick...tock...tick...tock....

Our next appointment is Tuesday. We have our trial transfer as well as blood work and if everything looks ok then we will start stim shots on Thursday. However, I don't have meds yet.

I got a call from 2 companies with bids for me a few weeks ago. So I called them last Wednesday to order but I wanted to know what the individual prices were from one of the companies.  The person I was talking with said it was showing up that we should run it through our insurance plan again.  I told her they already did that a few weeks ago and not much was covered, but she insisted we take another day to do it so I said fine.  This was going to take 24 hours.  I don't know why I thought fertility pharmacies were open 24 hours a day 7 days a week, but guess what? They are not. So yesterday I called them to confirm that the prices were indeed the same as they were before and yup, my insurance didn't pay for it (which I didn't expect but it wasted a day).  Then I had to go get Buster our dog from the vet.  I was thinking when I got home I would call and order meds, but I quickly found out the pharmacy was closed.  I was supposed to have the meds to the office by Monday at the latest. UGH.  It won't screw anything up I don't think. Our appointment isn't until Tuesday so they can still overnight them.  tick...tock...tick...tock...

Boy do I see those waves coming.  And I for sure feel the ground moving from the enemy pushing up against us.  We continue to pray through all that is happening. It's really hard to trust Him.  I'm not going to lie. I don't see how it's all going to work out.  When I look at the bottom line, it's a joke.  There are so many things happening in our lives that need attention.  Sometimes I think we should stop the entire process, but then I wonder if in 5 years I will regret that.  If I'm honest, a part of me thinks life would be fine the way it is. But that is not what God told us our future looks like.  So we press on, we press IN to Him. 

As we start this week, my prayer is that God will bring peace. Like SERIOUS Peace.  I would pray that if this is still what His will is, that He would part that sea. And if not, that He would pick us up on the boat and take us to where He would have us go.  But for now, we keep moving forward. One step, then the next.  And we continue praying that God is faithful as we know He is. 

Thank you joining us in prayer on this crazy crazy journey! We love you so. 

Monday: Kat gets a massage (PRAISE GOD!)
Tuesday: Trial Transfer and bloodwork
Wednesday: Work, rest
Thursday: Ultra sound and start shots
Friday: Repeat shots and remember that dead things aren't really dead in God's Kingdom.

Peace and Peace

Just a quick update for the week.  Nothing really to report as far as 'doing' stuff. But I thought I would write an update. It's been a good week full of mostly Peace.  I did have one breakdown that also included one crazy puppy and a fussy toddler, but besides that, I think it was a pretty good week. I'm trying to get things off my list of to-do's. I had a week full of promise. I had a doctors appointment, i received good blood results, I got another quote for our medication that was more what I expected, so I've been checking things off the list. This next week I hope to figure out the rest of the financial stuff as well as double checking everything that is required for the following week.  

Our next appointment will be March 26th. We will do a trial transfer, sign all our paperwork as well as get a 'how to give a shot' lesson.  That week will be could be more nerve wracking as we get closer to the process! I think we begin shots on March 29th. 

Today we rest. 

I described how I've been feeling to Laura this week and she told me that sounds like I'm burned out. That really resonated with me. It's exactly how I feel. I need a vacation for at least a week.  I feel like every muscle in my body and brain feels exhausted.  So this week I will try to get more rest, and continue to keep my brain in a health place.  It will be a good week.  

Oh, and Buster also gets neutered. It's a big week! ;) 

Watch for God

What a week.  A super good friend lost her sister to cancer and I've been overwhelmed with grief for her. It doesn't feel right, like the enemy stole something that wasn't his.  But I have to trust God nonetheless. I have to know HE has the final say.  And so I pray PEACE over my friend and her family as they move forward with this vast gap in their lives.

I just got back from an all night party with 600 jr. high students.  We had a session of worship, we went to a place called the Legacy Center which had a pool, open gym, go carts, VR and a trampoline room. After there we traveled to Dave n Busters for a few hours of unlimited arcade fun.  I tell you all of that to let you know my brain is fried! So read the following post with caution that it might make sense to me in my brain but could very well be coming out in gibberish.  haha.

We had our fertility appointment this past Tuesday and it was supposed to be the 'protocol' appointment.  So we thought we would go to see what the protocol would be as well as have our financial appointment.

The office is a bit unconventional in that because Dr. B passed away, Dr. Carol has taken over his practice but she already has 2 other places that she works from. So she hired a crew of people to run his office but she doesn't work there.  She visits once a week I think.  So when we go through IVF we really wont see our doctor until the day of retrieval (as far as I understand) So on Tuesday, we met with Lindsey who is an awesome PA. She explained in detail the process and paperwork required to do IVF with the new dr.  There are a lot of things that are different than the last time we went down this road.  Dr. Carol requires more paperwork, stricter contracts etc. She also has more stipulations because of my age. There is no lack in explaining our risks and how we can tackle them.  This reminds me how important it is to constantly remind myself of the power of my God.

She explained that we could keep taking the next step and see how far we could go.  There is concern that I will not produce enough follicles (or big enough) to actually have the procedure to remove eggs. But we could try to see how my body reacts and then once it's time to remove eggs if we feel we don't have enough to continue with IVF we would switch to an IUI, which we've never had success with, but it's a better chance at conception then what we would normally have.

After trying not to be overwhelmed by it all, Lindsey explained that we could join the IVF cycle for April if we wanted which would allow us to start right away. Since we have no reason to wait, we decided we might as well go ahead. We had to start BC that day if we wanted to do that cycle.  We decided to take that next step.  So I had my initial blood work and first ultrasound and I have 6 follicles, 3 on the right and 3 of the left.  These are just the initial follicles so we could have more or less as we see how the meds help them respond.  These are 'normal' numbers for me. Each follicle could have an egg in them that we would retrieve. These numbers can change in the next month however. 

So this past week has been full of making doctors appointments (I have to have medical clearance from my primary because of my age. I have to have a pap-smear and possibly my yearly mammogram).  My mammogram is a bit tricky because my yearly isn't until April 13 which is the week of transfer. So I wouldn't have the results until after that week. I'm trying to get prior approval to do it a week early which is kind of a long shot but I hear God likes those sort of odds.  So after telling my boss how awesome he is for letting me have a crazy schedule for the next few months, I crossed a few things off the list.

We started getting calls from the fertility med companies which went through all the medication and explained how much the total was. I might have had a little heart attack as the prices are a bit higher than the last time I did this.  There are a few options I can apply for aid etc which is good but all of these things take time etc.  So my goal this next week is to see how much of that I can get done and if for some reason I feel like we need more time we can delay the IVF another month.  I really would like to try to stay with April if possible though.  I honestly want to get it over with.

Our next steps for this week - apply for financial aid, figure out possible discounts, get a massage (we get 3 free with treatment-BONUS), continue taking birth control so they can control when I ovulate, try not to stress, try to remember God is in charge, remember words from friends who have encouraged us to keep taking the next step and be brave.

There have been so many times in my life where I've asked God to step in and cover my decisions.  This is one of them.  If this works, wow.  I will even be more speechless then the first time we did IVF and God gave us Asher.  If this doesn't work, I need Him to cover us.  I will need Him to show up and whisper it's ok. I've been feeling the past few weeks like Moses.  Not the 'let my people go' Moses but the one that was standing in front of a vast ocean and feeling the weight of what God told him to do.  I can imagine Him standing there looking at the water, the waves coming and feeling that cold chill to the bone as he wondered what now.  I feel his anxiety as he looks back over his shoulder and sees the eyes of children looking at him and crying because they don't understand why they are suddenly not in their comfy homes with their toys but they are standing on the cold beach holding the shaking hands of their parents.  I wonder if Moses could see the army coming just beyond the edge of God's people.  I imagine him looking back at the water and thinking "God, why? Why did you do this? I need you. I need your voice. I need one more miracle. I need you to do what you said you would do. Please don't let us die here on this dirty beach." Never, ever in Moses' wildest dreams could he have guessed what was coming.  I'm sure it wasn't the solution he was looking for. I'm sure he was praying for a miracle cruise ship that would take them away to the promise land. The reality is, he didn't know what to do, but God still had a plan. Maybe Aaron was quietly whispering, "watch for God...He is good...watch for God...He will not let us die...watch for God...His promises are true...watch for God.

I KNOW God has a plan for our family.  And for some reason we have had to fight for them almost our entire lives. I'm not going to lie, it's exhausting.  It doesn't make sense.  It confuses me. My reality almost feels against God's word (as the Bible told me to populate the Earth yet because of man's brokenness our bodies don't agree). Yet Moses stood there as a broken man just trying to put one foot in front of the other.  Trying to find one more shred of bravery to move God's promise into the unknown.  Literally moving the mountain of water OUT OF THE WAY so God's promises could walk through the dark places. I don't think walking through the ocean was a fun adventure. I don't think the children were like, "ooo mom, look at that whale in there!".  I think they were crapping their pants.  At least that's what I would've been doing.  I'm guessing it was a bit muddy and a bit smelly and TOTALLY overwhelmingly filled with fear.  But they were brave.  Every one of them.  They kept taking the next step.  One foot, then the next, then the next. 

Thanks for taking this journey with us.  Thanks for your prayers, emails, encouraging words etc. We will see what God has for us no matter what that looks like for our lives. I'm fearful about a lot of things as there are obviously a million unknowns.  But "I am still sure of one thing....

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take courage, and wait for the Lord. " Psalms 27:13-14

Thank you Selah for my bracelet. :) 

One step at a time...

I felt I should update everyone especially as we are moving closer to making a decision for our family.  Drew and I met with our new doctor a few weeks ago and it was very emotional.  We met in our old doctors office and although the new doctor was kind, the office was still full of Dr. B's memories.  Carol (the new doctor) was very kind and we felt comfortable with her. She expressed concern for my '45 years young' age, which she stated many times. She showed us charts where my age wasn't even on it. She expressed our best plan in her opinion to reach our goal of children. Her plan involved an egg donor and/or embryo adoption.  It was very hard to hear much of what she said. I left feeling discouraged and wondering what we are doing there.  But Dr. Carol wanted to do an initial write up and see where we stand at that time.  So the last 2 weeks have involved blood work, tests and ultrasounds.  We went in last Thursday to talk over our results but quickly realized we had the appointment time wrong and we couldn't reschedule for that day.  So we are re-scheduled for this Tuesday.

We keep praying over this decision and asking God what we should do.  It feels very challenging and it's been hard to not be discouraged.  The ultrasound and blood work seemed to be ok with no issues.  Everything looks the same as it did 5 years ago.  So I have a feeling that our Tuesday appointment will be fact based that everything looks ok and we would need to just decide if we want to do it or not. If we decide this next cycle (march) then we will have to prepare right away with meds etc. We will see how Tuesday goes.

We sure do appreciate your prayers.  My emotions have been all over the place with wanting to enlarge our family and feeling very tired of the battle to do so. I have found myself feeling sad many days and just plain tired. So I am looking forward to making some decisions and moving forward no matter what that means.

We know God has a plan and we are excited to see what He does this year! Thank you again for your prayers and we will be updating again soon!


Kat

Moving forward - Consultation

I'm writing just a quick update tonight as it's late and I have paperwork to fill out but I wanted to let everyone know we have our first appointment tomorrow morning at the fertility clinic.  EEK! I have lots of feelings some up and some down but I'm praying and hoping and asking for peace and God's will in all our steps.  I will update tomorrow as well (if I can jump online) but I wanted to post and ask for prayers.  This journey is never easy, but I feel the enemy coming at me regarding my age and statistics and it's causing me fear and anxiety.  I know God could care less about statistics and He usually likes the chances to be impossible, so at least we have that on our side! haha

Tomorrow's appointment is just a consultation to see what our options are and gather information.  This is a new doctor but at our old doctors office.  I think I posted that our other doctor suddenly past away last fall. He was an awesome man. So as my good friend Karen reminded me, "the journey to each child is very different from the next" and it's already true.  I'm trying to keep an open mind and heart to what God has for us no matter what that means.  Tomorrow we will have more info and see where we go from there!

Thank you for your prayers and constant love. 


Drew, Kat and Asher

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love him and are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28