Ele-fun? I don't think so.

There is this game called Elefun . The kids I nanny for love it. It’s a plastic elephant whose nose comes off and you fill his body with little tiny butterflies. You replace his nose, turn the switch on and air flows from this little guys body up through his flimsy plastic nose pushing the butterflies out of the top to allow them to fly. The kids and myself each have a net and as the butterflies come out we each try to catch them. It’s a cute game, but today I felt a little sorry for the youngest who is 2. We turned the air on and up came the butterflies. As much as he tried to catch those little butterflies they kept missing him. He would hold his net still, he would move it around, he would put it high, he would put it low, but still, not much luck. I, on the other hand, just sat there and they just happened to fall in my net. I wasn’t moving around or trying. Why is it that sometimes in life some people don’t have to try at all and they get blessed and abundance and others try everything they know to do but still sit with an empty net? It is a frustrating question. Sitting here watching the rain and feeling frustrated about my life I feel like that little 2 year old boy. I have lifted my net in laughter, I have lowered it in waiting, I have sat still, I have danced around, but still-the blessings fall all around me and I can’t seem to catch them.

Yesterday the woman I nanny for (who does NOT know we have been trying to have kids for 8 years) told me her 6 year old was asking how NOT to have kids because when she gets older she thinks having babies will hurt so she has decided to adopt. Her mothers answer?, “How do you NOT have kids? Just pray to God, hunny!” followed by much laughter. Because of course if you pray to God to have or not have children He listens right away. I understood what she was saying. She’s a mother of 3 busy, under the age of 6 kids and had no problems getting pregnant. Infertility is a foreign concept to her. I understood the joke, but it still hurt as I walked back to my quiet car and she drove home in her suburban full of giggles. Again, don’t blame her, she doesn’t know about my situation. I just get tired of these situations happening to me all the time. I can’t live under a rock and feel self-pity constantly, but the moment I feel like I can smile or gain ground something like this happens to me. I’m tired.

The little 2 year old got tired of playing the game after not catching very many butterflies. Actually, one day he grabbed that elephant, tore off his head, put his hand down in there grabbing the butterflies and forcing them into his own net. Yeah, I can relate. It looked violent, it was. But I can still relate.

Where do we go from here?

I just want to move forward. I don’t want to think about family anymore. I don’t want to think about kids coming down the stairs at Christmas or someone giving me a Mother’s Day present. I don’t want to think about how other people feed their kids junk food all day and allow them to play in the front yard and get locked out of the house for an hour with no parent looking for them and they are only 2 and 3 years old. (yes, this really happened to the neighbors I sit for. No one thought it strange that a 3 and 1 year old were outside alone crying because they didn’t know where their daddy was. Eventually he woke up and came outside. No words.) I don’t want to encounter kid stuff or family stuff. I just can’t do it anymore. I feel frustrated. I have given all of my love and energy to everyone elses kids and I have none left. I don’t regret influencing other peoples kids as I love kids. But doing it while thinking, “one day I will do this for my little girl or boy” it’s just too much.

God is still good. He always will be. I’m not mad at Him. How can I be? He is my Savior and He is SO gracious and Kind. His love and acceptance for me is the most important thing to me. I still have that. He hasn’t left. Just because He decides to give a certain type of gift to one person and not to the other-it doesn’t change how He feels about me. Just because I don’t get what I have begged Him for doesn’t mean I don’t love Him. Nothing has changed. He still died for me. He is still coming back. The End. Everything else is just blessings on Earth and sometimes we get them, sometimes we don’t. I can’t strive to “do the right thing” or just wonder what I haven’t done so that He would bless us with children, finances, house or whatever. I AM thankful that He hears my prayers. I AM thankful He has given the gift of children to others I know that I have prayed for. I AM thankful for my husband and brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles and cousins. There is ALWAYS MUCH to be thankful for. I’m not trying to complain about the things I don’t have, I’m just tired of playing the game. I can’t play the “maybe this month He will bless me!” only to be disappointed again. So I’m going to just try to be happy with what I have. I’m going to try to do something everyday that makes me smile. I’m going to try to find God’s kingdom right here, right now. All the other stuff is too stressful. Maybe I’m not a fighter. Maybe I’m wimpy. But this is where I am. And as much as I want to rip the head off that elephant, I know ultimately it won’t solve a thing. Maybe I will just try to rejoice in others being blessed and just move on. And maybe one day, when I’m not even looking, that butterfly will actually land in my net.