December sip

On the way to see friends yesterday I told Drew I have been struggling lately. As I talked through my December blues, I discovered that it truly is December that is my problem. I told him about how I feel responsible for so many people, and the relationships they have with each other and in this month I often don't do what I would want to do, but I do things to keep peace, harmony and all that other crap. As I cried and told him I didn't know what to do because I missed my mother and my older brother is far away, and my sister just adopted her third child and money ick .....I will spare you the rest of the list......I realized, it's not really about all of those things. I was upset because of December. You see December is the end. It marks the end of another year and for some reason I am forced to face all of the people in my life and try to explain why my life doesn't 'look' like thiers. I have to explain why I still don't have kids, why I still live in Michigan, why I don't make any money, why we can't buy gifts (but we always get those 'it's ok, we understand' eyes), why we never visit, and the ultimate question, when is it all going to change? Or what am I going to do to change it?

December reminds me of what is not.

I began to understand why all of my single friends hate December. I mean, I always kinda new they hated the Christmas season because they were forced to feel alone, but worse yet, answer the stupid question of why they are still alone. They are forced to look back on this past year, and years before and weigh it. Is my life better than years past? Or am I still the same? Nothing has changed. And can't we find something else to talk about?

I can see now why candy canes and santa hats don't make the orphans smile. They look back and remember the year filled with the void of love that only a parent can give. Most kids get a latte here, a pair of shoes there, but for those forgotten, ...nowhere to go for the holidays. More tears fall than snow during December and most just wish the holidays would never happen, reminding us of what is not.

It seems society is trying to force people into this corner where we are all made to look back and answer those questions. Where are you going to live? Who are you going to date? Where are you going to get money? How are you going to do that? Do you think that is a wise decision? When are you going to be on your own? When are you going to get a girl/boyfriend? Where are you going to work? Is that job right for you? You make a living doing that? Are you guys ever going to grow up? Why don't you have any kids? Where are you going for the holidays? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO???

sip hot coffee.

Have you ever felt the sun on your face during a very cold moment?

It was EXTREMELY refreshing to sit with good friends, drink good coffee, hear good music, and laugh till the early hours. Life is hard, looking back is hard, but it's not the looking back that is important. In order for December not to destroy me, I must drown myself in good friends, drinking coffee, good music, and laughter till the early hours. I refuse to allow December to depress me and bury me alive with things I can't control and promises not yet fulfilled.

The gift of Over the Rhine was AWESOME, but not as great as the gifts that I received from being reminded of the important things in life. That life happens one sip at a time and i don't have to have any answer to pointless questions. All I have to do is grind the beans, light a candle, shovel the sidewalk (only if I find the shovel) so friends can find the way, and live. Because if I'm running around from store to store and I'm busy wishing I was somewhere else, doing something else, my coffee gets cold.

and nobody likes cold coffee.


may our holidays be filled with unanswered questions. and warm sips.