nerves of tears

Have you ever been so nervous that you can't help but cry?  It's a strange feeling actually.  It's where nervous almost crosses over into fear and confusion.  And once you get there, it's not a good sight.  For some reason I feel that tonight.  I feel nervous.  I feel scared and emotional.  Just the thought of writing this post made me cry.  It's so strange.  I didn't think I was nervous.  I didn't think I was becoming emotionally tied to another fertility treatment.  When I hold Asher I feel complete and secure.  I know God has blessed us.  Everyday I have a tiny fear that something might happen to Asher.  But like anyone that I deeply love, I have to remember we are all in God's hands.  We are all from Him and we will all see Him again one day.  Some fears are just here to torment us.  And so I try to cast them away.

Tomorrow I go to the Dr. for an ultrasound.  They will determine if my eggs are growing at a good pace and when I will receive my HCG shot to begin ovulation.  I could even get it tomorrow.  The shot hurts.  Although I must admit last time they all warned me about it and it didn't really hurt that much.  Not compared to the others.  But I have a feeling that I will be getting this one at the office and so I might not get the ice job I got at home a few years back.  We will see!  I AM excited despite my nervous feeling for our future.

It's been a long week.  Work has been overly busy and I haven't had any time to think about what's going on in my body, let alone prepare for what's coming.  Drew has been busy too and Asher got sick, so between all of that I just need a moment.  I need a moment to process what is happening.  I don't want to miss anything.  As I sat and played with Asher tonight I just realized how blessed I am.  He's so funny, and has such a fun personality.  As I left his room tonight he said, "I want mama...I want mama...".  That's his new way of getting me to come back to him.  It's a trap.  I know this.  But I also realize that I waited a long time for someone to say that to me.  And that he wont say that forever.  Time is never on our side.

I wonder what it would be like to have more children in my home.  To have to love more than one, or to have divided attention.  I look at Asher and can't imagine loving another as much as him.  But I know that's the amazing part of parenting.  God always increases our heart.  There's always more space and somehow it all works out.

He is able. He is good.

 Fertility is so hard.  You want to want it, but you can't want it too much cuz then if you don't get it you are devastated.  So if you just kinda want it then it doesn't hurt as bad.  But the trouble is you can't kinda want it.  My heart is sort of an 'all in' kinda heart.  But I must focus on the TRUTH that God is writing an amazing story for us.  Our story is already super cool, and I'm just asking Him to continue writing.

Fear is dumb, but I'm thankful for the opportunity to fear.  That God has allowed us to enter in with Him once again on this painful road is such a privilege.  Many don't get to feel this kind of pain.  This kind of love.  There is something truly amazing about how many aspects of God's love there is.

God is faithful.  He is with us.  He is near.  And when I rest in Him, all fear is gone.

Another step

Sometimes you have to just put one foot in front of the other and pray that while you're stepping out, God is leading.  Drew and I have prayed for our family for so long.  We are over the top excited for what God brought us (Asher) and are equally excited to see what's coming next.  We - Are - Ready.

MY UPDATE:

Since I last wrote, I had a few tests run on my not so happy cyst.  Results came back that it's the same cyst I've had for almost 10 years.  This is a good thing because that means it's slowly growing and I also had it during my pregnancy with Asher so everything looks as if the cyst is "normal".  My Dr. wants to eventually remove it, but he said because it's so close to my ovary and we aren't done adding to our family we will wait to remove it.  Yay!

So after all of those conversations he said we could do the next cycle.  WHOO HOO!  I tend to not get too excited in these things because MOST times there is a glitch and we don't go all the way through the treatment OR we do the treatment and the treatment doesn't work.  But we decided to move forward with a treatment (IUI) this month.  This means once my period starts (which this happened last week) I will be on meds to increase my egg count to give us the best chance for fertilization.  We have done 2 IUI's in the past.  They were both unsuccessful, but a few things are different this time.  First, we are with a different doctor who uses different medications etc.  Second, my doctor told me once a person has a baby the body resets and you can't treat the problem the same as before.  So this is really like trying a brand new treatment on my brand new baby making body.  I thought that was good to know!  But he didn't have a percentage for us, as IVF really is the best option for us.  So me knowing that IVF 3 years ago had a 3% chance of working, and this treatment we are doing this month is a lesser aggressive treatment, I'm guessing our odds are even smaller than that magical 3%.  But God...

But God created Asher on a 3% chance.

The truth is, God can do anything.  He can create a second child for us with no treatment.  He has an amazing plan for our family, just like He had for Asher.  Cuz I know He is good.  SO So good.  THAT'S the kind of God I serve.

All of last week God reminded me of this:

Early in the morning, Jerub-Baal (that is, Gideon) and all his men camped at the spring of Harod. The camp of Midian was north of them in the valley near the hill of Moreh. 2The Lord said to Gideon, “You have too many men. I cannot deliver Midian into their hands, or Israel would boast against me, ‘My own strength has saved me.’ 3Now announce to the army, ‘Anyone who trembles with fear may turn back and leave Mount Gilead.’ ” So twenty-two thousand men left, while ten thousand remained.
4But the Lord said to Gideon, “There are still too many men. Take them down to the water, and I will thin them out for you there. If I say, ‘This one shall go with you,’ he shall go; but if I say, ‘This one shall not go with you,’ he shall not go.”
5So Gideon took the men down to the water. There the Lord told him, “Separate those who lap the water with their tongues as a dog laps from those who kneel down to drink.” 6Three hundred of them drank from cupped hands, lapping like dogs. All the rest got down on their knees to drink.
7The Lord said to Gideon, “With the three hundred men that lapped I will save you and give the Midianites into your hands. Let all the others go home.” 8So Gideon sent the rest of the Israelites home but kept the three hundred, who took over the provisions and trumpets of the others.   JUDGES 7   

I would say that is a pretty low percentage for success.  Yet God CREATED this low percentage ON PURPOSE so that He could be recognized and glorified!  He is amazing!  I'm thankful for the Hope He provides to me through this story.

So here's the scoop about this week.  I took all my drugs last week and this Thursday I go to the doctor to see how many eggs I have and how they are growing.  If I'm ready to ovulate they will give me a HCG shot (same as when we did IVF) to start ovulation.  The insemination will happen either Friday or Saturday!  So I'm writing this to once again ask you to join us in prayer for our family.  We realize that God's perfect timing is TOTALLY worth it.  We are praying His timing for our family to increase is NOW.  That He once again can reach past the odds and create within us something from Himself.  It's the most amazing honor to take care of something God created just for you.  

I hope to be updating this again this weekend.  Feel free to comment or text or private message etc. Each of our stories are perfectly written!  Thank you for praying with us!