We are blessed

We are blessed.  So very very blessed.  This I know and realized tonight as I sat and gave Asher a bath.  He has the cutest little blonde curls.  He was talking and making boat noises while playing with his bath toy.  He then took a cup and poured bubbles and water over his head and giggled.  And I sat in awe that God has brought Him to us.  Can it be done again? Can or Will God bless us twice?

It is by faith.....

I was thinking about how they always say, "lightening doesn't strike twice".  I don't know if that's true or if it's just a stupid saying, but I do know that we are going to align ourselves with the God of creation and ask Him to walk every step with us as we move forward with adding to our family.

So we are doing another treatment.  We went to our fertility doctor this week and I was very nervous. It was strange driving there again as a flood of memories came rushing back as each mile passed.  Except this time I was listening to "it rained and rained for 40 nights and day-sies day-sies...", a children's song from a cd we have and Asher sitting and moving his head to the music.  Drew said he got emotional as we neared the building.  So much blessing since then.  An overwhelming amount.

So we took a deep breath and entered the world of infertility helps again.  The Dr. was, as he was before, kind, gentle, smiley, and hopeful.  I didn't know what to expect really.  I knew he would say we could do a treatment if we wanted, but I thought he would tell us our chances were low to conceive.  But he didn't.  He said "once you have a baby, your body just resets itself.  Its like you're starting from scratch in a way. ".  Even though we are doing a lesser procedure (an IUI), he seemed hopeful that it could work.  I didn't expect that.  I didn't expect to leave hopeful.  However, this is the dangerous part where your heart gets mesmerized by that dangling carrot and you can't help but fall in love with the idea that HOPE will love you back and give birth to your hearts desire! But you can't help but believe it's possible, so I took a deep breath.  We talked about a few details and it looks like as soon as I start my period (which is this week) we will start the process!

PLEASE JOIN US IN PRAYER! I am feeling nervous but also excited but also scared but also Peace.  I know that God has a plan.  I know that God's plan WILL come forth.  I really feel like we are to have a bigger family.  I don't know how God plans on doing it, but we felt led to do this procedure before we move forward with other options.  So here we are!  We are praying for perfect timing.  For God's hand.  For peace.  For as many babies as God wants to give us!

I hope to post here often to let everyone who is praying know how we are doing.  This is a journey and if there's one thing I've realized it's that the journey is WAY more fun with other people living the story with us.  So we invite you into our tiny world to walk with us and ask God to work another Smith miracle.  We are SO thankful for Him and for you guys!

I find myself...

It's late and I find myself nervous.  Nervous and excited, but mostly nervous.  You see, we've decided to re-enter the world of infertility.  Drew and I would like to have more children and we've been "trying" naturally for the past few months praying that God would give us a natural miracle, but once again I find myself at the end of hope.  It's CARAZY how I can get up every day and look my little miracle in the eyes and be filled with SO much joy!, ..and then look to God and hardly have a smidge of hope for Him to do it again.  Things don't happen the same way twice.  I am chained to the lie of "I know He can, but I don't know if He will".  My theology gets all up in my face and challenges me to look past it.  To see HIM waiting for me on the other side of my plan.  I need to learn (again) to let go.

I have several friends who couldn't conceive and then BOOM..they get pregnant. I know I can't compare myself to others, but isn't it hard not to?  Isn't it hard for the mother of 4 to not look around and see that Martha down the street seems to have it all together?  She works, has kids, has food ready on the table to eat for her family, AND her toilets are clean.  It's hard not to compare, but I DO know it's the stealer of all Joy.  I hate compare.  

Tomorrow we have a consultation with our fertility doctor.  We haven't seen him since I was 9 weeks pregnant and 'graduated' out of his office (yes they actually played graduation music) to my normal OBGYN.  It will be strange to see him.  We are taking Asher because they've never met him.  Dr. B once told me if we don't bring the baby to see him he will come over and take Asher back.  Of course he was joking.  He has 8 kids, I'm thinking he doesn't really want another. Haha.

I'm nervous about a few things with tomorrow.  I'm nervous that Dr. B is going to tell me I'm too old.  I'm nervous he's going to tell me no other procedure but IVF will work for us (and we can't afford IVF again).  I'm nervous that he WILL let us do another procedure.  I'm nervous that the chances of it working are less than 3%.  (IVF was 3% - God beats those odds.) I'm nervous of it not working. I'm nervous of it working.  Mainly, I'm nervous that I'm not content with what God has given us.  And the mind games that go along with infertility are ENDLESS.  If I don't believe then we wont conceive.  If I do believe we still may not conceive.  If we don't do it then I will feel like adoption is our 'backup plan'.  Adopting is NOT our backup plan.  We have always wanted to adopt and even tried once, but it wasn't the right time.  I guess I'm just struggling with feeling like a bad person because I really just want it to be easy.  I don't want to have to struggle through AGAIN and hope and wish and pray and hope and pray and wonder and keep my emotions at bay and hope God is with us blessing us..etc.   Its all so consuming.  And I'm pretty much wimpy.

Meanwhile...Asher...

I feel guilty not feeling like Asher is enough.  Asher IS enough.  I mean, he is more than I could've ever asked for.  He is the BEST.  I just want another.  For us.  For Asher.  For everyone.   That can't be bad, right?

I thought that once I had a child these infertile demons would leave me.  That I would have rest in knowing that God is enough.  And He IS enough, but He also put a desire in me that lingers.  I just thought I wouldn't be battling anymore.  So I guess this is me asking for prayers for a heart that still longs for what God has for her.  In the morning I will pray that God will once again direct us to the right place to find our next child.  That may or may not be with fertility treatments.   But whatever way it is, here we come.