Smiths + 1 = 11 Weeks

Hello 11 weeks!!!!

Here we are at the beginning of week 11 and I can't believe it.  We had our first OB appointment today.  I was extremely nervous.  We walked in and I stumbled over my words while trying to 'sign in'. I then fumbled through my purse to get my insurance card and proceeded to turn around knocking things off the shelf.

"Sit down and breathe!", Drew told me.  "I'm nervous!", I said back to him.  He smiled and said he knew that and that it was ok.  We were about to say a prayer together when the door opened and it was my turn. Those nurses never come when you want them to and the moment you need a minute, there they are! I went in and got weighed (NOT my favorite part) and then the nurse showed me to a room where she asked me a few questions as well as asked Drew a few questions. She told me the dr. might want to do an exam so I was to get ready for that. Dr. W came in and she was so excited about our pregnancy.  She's a straight shooter kinda lady, yet very laid back.  She's experienced and has been doing this for over 20 years. She congratulated us and then we talked for a bit.  She told me my pregnancy has been great so far. That we were really lucky to get pregnant the first time and that we were equally lucky to only have one.  She said twins, although cute etc cause a higher risk to the babies as well as the mother. I knew all this, Dr. B said the same thing, but I guess the more I hear it the better it makes me feel that I only have one. Even though I still cry sometimes about the one that vanished. She said everything looked great. She did a quick exam and then she pulled out her monitor, squeezed the goop on my belly and for the first time in that office with that doctor I heard the heartbeat. I don't think I will ever get used to hearing that noise. It was 170 and she said that was right on track. It sounded healthy. I'm doing it right. The baby is living. God is protecting it. It is still growing! She told me because everything is going so well I am NOT high risk and I won't have to go back for FOUR WEEKS!!! UGH>>seriously, there should be a special lane for IVF patients (especially ones that have waiting for over 12 years) to have ultrasounds every other week. I mean, waiting 2 weeks was hard, 4 WEEKS?? I'm gonna need some distractions.

After the next appt. on March 13th we will wait ANOTHER 4 weeks for the next appt. which will include our ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby.  Yes we are going to find out. Yes we are going to share. I'm not one for that kind of secret. I mean, I can't keep it that long, nor do I have the energy to try.  And I've waited this long, I'm done with the whole waiting thing. I really think for me knowing the gender will allow me to bond with the baby too.  I'm excited to find that part out. :) But again...8 weeks away. 8. (Lord help me!)

Drew and I left the office and as soon as I got in the car I started crying. I cried for the next few hours. Yes, that means at work. Yes I had to explain to Mark the guy I share a cube with that I'm crying because everything is great and I'm happy and not to worry. (he offered me his kleenix AND his wife's number who is a labor and delivery nurse. I might have scared him a little. haha) But I just couldn't get over the fact that I was in that office. I know, it sounds strange. I mean, I LOVED hearing the heartbeat and that made me cry a little, but what I was majorly weeping over today was that I was one of "them".

I've been going to that office for at least 5 years now for my yearly exam. Every time I go I see pregnant women and they are all cute reading their little pregnant magazines. That was never me. I thought that would never be me. Ever. So although I was happy for them, I secretly rolled my eyes at their glowing face and smooth hair. I longed for there to be an office where I could go for my yearly without being reminded that I was NOT in that club nor was I going there anytime soon. Dr. W was the one that encouraged us to think about IVF. She told me she thought we had a really good chance for it working. It was strange to go back to that office as me-the new pregnant lady. Me. I sat in the chair (after picking up everything I ran into) looking at those magazines sitting on the table. I could read those now. I kinda wanted to, but there was something in me telling me that was still for 'them'. I know it sounds crazy cuz it's just an office and they are just dumb magazines, but for me it was 12+ years of avoidance of something that was extremely painful to me. So to look at them and know I now have free admission to read them and be there, well, I just felt bad. Disbelief. Undeserving. Confusion. Nervous. Confliction. That was what I was feeling before they called my name and made me step on that stupid scale.

But today I conquered one more hurdle in that old land where I used to live. I showed myself that I do belong there now. Not because I'm pregnant, but because I'm a mother. I'm responsible for something that has a heart and it's beating. I'm doing my best and for now, I guess that's enough. I can't believe that God is letting me experience this. I feel like He was with me this morning smiling and whispering, "You were always deserving of this. It's just the beginning". He's just so so good to me. He has surrounded me with family and amazing friends and amazing co-workers (who are really just good friends). I'm so thankful. So blessed. This baby is so blessed. I love it so much already. Who would've thought that was even possible. That I would even have a baby to love. It's amazing how much love gushes in, even when you just open the door a crack.

I even got a special bag full of goodies from the doctor today. And guess what was in it? A cute little pregnancy magazine. Just for me.