Floating Back

It's one of those month. You know the kind, where you wake up one day and you can't control the hormones going COMPLETELY out of control.  My poor husband.  He's nothing less than amazing to put up with my hormones when things become..unbalanced. (literally. I dropped 3 things before I left the house this morning. lol.)

Today I cry for no reason.  It's actually a very strange feeling. I am not sad. I don't have regrets. I don't feel stressed. But my hormones say, "cry!" so I guess my body does it.

THIS week we've had 3 contacts from the place we were going to do foster care.  They want to meet with us and hear why we aren't interested anymore.   Which then makes me contemplate why we aren't interested anymore.  I asked Drew this morning on our way to work if he was absolutely sure he didn't want to do it as we are really only one meeting away from finishing our case and then off to Lansing the file would go to get our license approved.  I could feel Peace leaving us even as I asked the question.  I knew the answer.  Even when something appears perfectly ok, if God's Peace isn't there, it's not right.  There's nothing wrong with Foster Care.  We have tons of friends that are doing it, and have adopted this way.  But we want what God wants more than what looks like the logical step for us.  So this week, we deal with that. God could change His mind there, but for now, I'm just letting it go.  I'm learning that seeking for something that has been a desire for so long, is very tiring.  Falling back is scary, but not so tiring.  So would I rather be tired or scared?  

God has given me Peace. Presence. Goodness. Balance. Contentment. Favor. Focus. so many good things He gives. I am more blessed than I ever have been in my life.

As long as I keep letting Him do His thing, and focusing on the things He would have me focus on, and really trusting Him, life is good.  Basically, that means, chill out.

But trust is not easy, it's a decision.  Much like love, sometimes these things we are commanded to do (the suggested best ways to live) are choices we make every day, not things that just happen.

I believe His Word. His Word tells me certain things about my life as a believer. God is GOOD.  He is FAITHFUL. He has given me SO many promises that I can depend on.  So I continue to believe in that which is not yet seen.  Believing that it IS-- because HE said it IS. And His word doesn't come back void. I pray His words to Him declaring what I know is true.  He has goodness for those who love Him.

He IS here.
He IS good.
He IS love.

I don't know why there is unfulfilled desire in each of us. But I know its for a reason. Someone once said , 'to beg God for something is to say we have more mercy than Him'.  I've been sitting on that a bit and really letting that sink into my core.  I don't have to beg God.  He put the desire in me. And to beg Him is me saying, "Clearly God, you don't see how bad I want this.  Don't you care? Don't you see me? Don't you want me to be happy?  Obviously you don't love me or care about my life" etc.  I don't have to beg. He knows. He knows....so if He knows, maybe there is a reason...for all of this...

As these emails and calls come from people who want to help us get a family, I feel like a hamster on a wheel. Been there. Been down that road.  Been there too.  Did that.  Tried that.  Had that prayer for me.  And in some ways it feels like I'm falling back into yesterday.  again.  But I'm not. :-)  People just care.  I feel like I'm in one of those air houses falling back.  I'm falling I guess, but it feels more like floating.

Anyway, today feeling not so good, a friend and her 3 precious boys brought me coffee and cookies.  First knocking on my door (only to find out I wasn't there) then driving all the way to my work to deliver not just the coffee and cookie, but hugs, an unsolicited kiss on the hand and a "you look pretty"(from the 4 year old).  This is *love.

I'm going to try to solder something now.  I hope I don't start a fire.  (refer to the section above where I explained I dropped 3 things this morning)

God continues to walk in our journey.  The unseen God showing up in unreal ways.

Thank you Lord.



*lola, ethan, lij, evan

Happy 2012!!!

Yes, here we are! The year of 2012.  I have a feeling lots of amazing things are going to happen this year.  That word amazing can mean many many things.  Sometimes I think in my head that I know what that is going to be.  But in the end, it IS amazing, just in a different way.  The most amazing way to end a year is the same as the most amazing way to begin one, with God's Peace.   A Peace that passes ALL understanding.  I don't get it.  I really don't.   I mean, I don't understand it...Graciously, I DO get it. I don't know why God would protect me from paths that I shouldn't go down yet. But He does.  I don't know why the moment I stop and notice Him that He kisses me.  And that kiss...it lasts.... it makes it ok when I don't understand.

2012

I so want to do so much this year.  The first is the same as it always is.  Find Balance.  I want to grow closer to God.  I want to be better, learn more, cook more, craft more, just enjoy life...more.  I think God smiles when we actually enjoy the life that He has given us.  For each of us that's different.  For some, it's cooking.  Cooking every day.  For others its running.  Running every day.  For others its breathing in the fresh air that leaves give us on an afternoon walk through the ever changing woods.  Oh, how I love al of those things.  I really do.

I've been watching art journal making lately on youtube.  I really feel like I was created to do those.  I can't say that I ever have, but it's on my list of things to do this year ;) .  I like too many things.

I'm putting my craft room together too.  We decided to wait to do Foster Care.  The moment we decided we felt God's PEACE (that one I was just talking about) fall right on us.  It was almost instant.  So we knew we were making the right choice.  So we are once again, waiting on God.  I don't feel the need to push on and try something else.  Not now. But maybe sometime.  We will see.  Right now I'm too busy enjoying spending time with Drew and paying off our debt.  Oh--and dancing to the Wii Just Dance 3.  I suck, but it's still fun.  :)

Ok, I'm going to try to journal more.  Just for me.  This is my month of social sabbatical.  I will explain that in my next post.

until then....

k