So I noticed I haven't really written on here for several months. Almost even a year. I thought I would at least take a moment to share that last night I said to drew, "sometimes I just smile for no reason". And he replied quickly, "Me too!". It felt good. And made me smile again.
This winter feels different. We feel free. We feel we are headed in the right direction walking towards goals, together. I never thought I would be happy like this again. We are so care free and I NEVER want to let anything steal that from me again. I know life is hard, but it seems if we can open our eyes and make some tough choices (righteous and holy choices) that we could have random smiling even during a recession.
Many things have made a difference to me. One is Drew and I made a boundary to not work on Thursdays. This day is holy to us and although making the boundary has been hard and we have fallen a few times, we are doing pretty good at keeping it. I absolutely LOVE living alone with drew. It has been almost 10 years since we lived by ourselves. It was great to be able to help other people and have them living with us, but I think I didn't realize how much it was affecting our relationship. DUH. But now, it is so much fun just being together. I think when 2 people go through tragic, tough times, not having money to pay the electric bill doesn't seem so stressful anymore.
We started working with a company called Mona Vie and we are taking that product. It has made an unbelievable difference in our lives. The juice has super strong antioxidants in it-the acai berry-, it's all natural with 19 different fruits with NOTHING else added. We are sleeping better, feeling happier, moods are better, not as many creaky bones, and just having fun! We are also involved with their personal training system called TEAM. It has been amazing as well. Positive thinking and goal creating is the focus and we can tell a difference. We are on our way to becoming debt free! We had gotten into a lot of debt because we took care of a sick friend for over a year. But we are confident we did the right thing and God will bless us for it. Even financially. We just have to give Him time to work. But this new venture for us has been excellent.
I have so much to do before the Christmas season. We don't have a tree this year and although I love real ones, our apartment wont let us get one. It's probably better that way since we don't have the money. BUT I did go onto freecycle.com and someone has a tree for me in their attic! I have to get it next week. Sometimes it's just fun to make do with what you have. We are downsizing much of our things, realizing we have too much and don't need it. So, life is fun, it really is. I don't feel stress hardly ever.
We created some mini movies
to sell and that is going AWESOME as well. I'm just so excited in so many different areas of life.
We aren't even actively working or thinking about this, but God even sent a man and his wife all the way from New York to pray for us to have children. The same week a woman of God tested us and gave us medicine to help our bodies function the way God intended. God truly is amazing. He is giving us blessing on top of blessing. When the bible says, "Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.", it really means it. I am waiting in expectance for all things to work our according to His glory and for His children who love Him so dearly.
*random smile*
Peeling away piece by piece to get to the raw goodness of it all.
Thursday, December 04, 2008
oprah
Last night I dreamed I met Oprah.
Then all of her workers got high and I had to drive them somewhere to get help. They were crying etc. and I was thinking, "How did I get here?" and all I wanted to do was call Drew but my phone was almost dead. I think in the end they took me and put some sort of drug in me.
Oprah was nowhere to be seen.
Does that mean something?
Then all of her workers got high and I had to drive them somewhere to get help. They were crying etc. and I was thinking, "How did I get here?" and all I wanted to do was call Drew but my phone was almost dead. I think in the end they took me and put some sort of drug in me.
Oprah was nowhere to be seen.
Does that mean something?
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
MY FIRST PUBLICATION!!!!
It is true, I have been published. I don't like the pic so much, but it was chosen by Schmap.com to mark Falls Church on the D.C. map. I am so proud because that church is where George Washington worshipped! Anyway, celebrate and enjoy with me! :)
Sunday, August 03, 2008
what to do
What do you do when you believe so strongly in a prophecy because you feel that God has confirmed it over and over and over through the years but no one else believes it? Even the person that should believe seems to take it lightly. I try to live my life the way God would have me live it. THAT isn't an easy decision. There are many decisions I would have made differently if they were up to me, yet I try to remain faithful to His plan that I don't understand. SO WHERE IS THE REDEMPTION that I long to feel? How long must I tread through prickers to find something, faithful. Does anyone really care about anything else but themselves? Is the world really that self focused?
I live in a perpetual state of not knowing what to do. And God keeps sending me back.
I'm not sure how much longer that's going to last.
I live in a perpetual state of not knowing what to do. And God keeps sending me back.
I'm not sure how much longer that's going to last.
Friday, July 18, 2008
not today
I fell.
Yesterday I wrote that I was walking a thin line and holding my breath. I pictured myself on a thin string strung across Niagra Falls. I was walking, slowly, wearing clown clothes and holding onto a balancing stick. I was afraid to hope. I didn't want to think about falling, (I would just look like a clown flailing her arms trying to fly) but I also couldn't concentrate enough about getting to the other side. I was frozen in wait. I prayed for God not to tease me, and then I fell.
Falling hurts. No matter how many times you fall or who is there to catch you, walking the thin line is dangerous. Drew told me today he is done Hoping. But the crappy part about Hope is that it is attached itself to us like our heart and we can't help but live without it. Even when we try to convince ourselves that we will never Hope again...somewhere deep inside we sit by a lake and hold this delicate dream in our hands, starring at it, loving it, wishing for it, keeping it alive with our prayers. All the while Hope surrounds it and it breaths in...and out...in...and out...
I'm 36 now and I read the other day that at 36 the chances of having a healthy child starts to decrease. I hate statistics. Honestly they only put God in a box and fear in my being. Things I know God sees past. Statistics mean nothing to Him. He laughs. I cry--in Hope.
I appreciate that God wants to bless me with Spiritual hello's from Him. I love that He surprises me with starbucks and butterflies, but if there is one thing I don't want to be reminded of, it's that I don't have a child. I think He was trying to be sweet on me. I think He was trying to remind me that He is still here and working even in this situation. I appreciate His love towards me, but I didn't need that encouragement. I didn't need to know that ONE DAY...I didn't need to know NOT TODAY...these things I already know. I just needed His love for right now. I can't think of tomorrow because it really does make me yearn for things yet to come. So, today it is. Living in the present. Trying to get past the pain of NOT YET and live in the circus of Hope.
So despite of the dreams that tell me your name and the likeness of your faces, it is not time for us to meet. But don't worry baby boys, there will be a day when you sit and look at me and I get to explain to you why God sent you to my heart. How badly I want to teach you His ways and pray that you would choose Him over yourself. Although I know we will screw things up at times, watching you walk back to your Creator will be the greatest joy we will ever have. We are so excited for that Joy that we can't help but be impatient. So forgive us Lord for not seeing your sweet blessings of today when sometimes our hearts so long for tomorrows blessing. But over all, we do realize that there is nothing more important than your timing, and your kingdom. I never ever want to step outside of that. So finish your work in us Lord so we might turn the page and finally see the view that's just over that mountain.
Yesterday I wrote that I was walking a thin line and holding my breath. I pictured myself on a thin string strung across Niagra Falls. I was walking, slowly, wearing clown clothes and holding onto a balancing stick. I was afraid to hope. I didn't want to think about falling, (I would just look like a clown flailing her arms trying to fly) but I also couldn't concentrate enough about getting to the other side. I was frozen in wait. I prayed for God not to tease me, and then I fell.
Falling hurts. No matter how many times you fall or who is there to catch you, walking the thin line is dangerous. Drew told me today he is done Hoping. But the crappy part about Hope is that it is attached itself to us like our heart and we can't help but live without it. Even when we try to convince ourselves that we will never Hope again...somewhere deep inside we sit by a lake and hold this delicate dream in our hands, starring at it, loving it, wishing for it, keeping it alive with our prayers. All the while Hope surrounds it and it breaths in...and out...in...and out...
I'm 36 now and I read the other day that at 36 the chances of having a healthy child starts to decrease. I hate statistics. Honestly they only put God in a box and fear in my being. Things I know God sees past. Statistics mean nothing to Him. He laughs. I cry--in Hope.
I appreciate that God wants to bless me with Spiritual hello's from Him. I love that He surprises me with starbucks and butterflies, but if there is one thing I don't want to be reminded of, it's that I don't have a child. I think He was trying to be sweet on me. I think He was trying to remind me that He is still here and working even in this situation. I appreciate His love towards me, but I didn't need that encouragement. I didn't need to know that ONE DAY...I didn't need to know NOT TODAY...these things I already know. I just needed His love for right now. I can't think of tomorrow because it really does make me yearn for things yet to come. So, today it is. Living in the present. Trying to get past the pain of NOT YET and live in the circus of Hope.
So despite of the dreams that tell me your name and the likeness of your faces, it is not time for us to meet. But don't worry baby boys, there will be a day when you sit and look at me and I get to explain to you why God sent you to my heart. How badly I want to teach you His ways and pray that you would choose Him over yourself. Although I know we will screw things up at times, watching you walk back to your Creator will be the greatest joy we will ever have. We are so excited for that Joy that we can't help but be impatient. So forgive us Lord for not seeing your sweet blessings of today when sometimes our hearts so long for tomorrows blessing. But over all, we do realize that there is nothing more important than your timing, and your kingdom. I never ever want to step outside of that. So finish your work in us Lord so we might turn the page and finally see the view that's just over that mountain.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Get Wisdom. Get Understanding.
Get--as a possession not to be given up.
neither decline--that is, from obeying my word.
Get wisdom, take pains for it. take more pains to get this than the wealth of this world.
When I was in high school we had to take a foreign language. Our school only offered Spanish and French although now I know most schools offer many other languages as well. I always thought French was cool, you know, for lovers and such. So off I went taking 3 years of French classes and I studied and did well enough for a B. Not a high B though because I was always scared to speak the language. The problem was I studied my book and vocab words, but I didn't have any experience speaking it. Most of the students would practice with one another, or just remember, but I never did. By my third year we weren't allowed to speak English at all in class and I remembered feeling SO freaked out. I think I actually dropped the class eventually. Most of the other students who stayed, actually went on to go to France and use what they had learned. I wish I would have, but I didn't understand the language. When they got back, they were all talking about how great it was. They went to France, I didn't. They experienced something and unless I on my own make an effort to go there as well, I will never understand.
I realized yesterday that for years I have been praying for God's wisdom and understanding. But I think I thought they would come in a pretty book signed by a famous Christian author purchased at a safe Christian bookstore while MWS played in the background. I had no idea that sometimes understanding is experience. Have you ever had to explain something and people wouldn't believe you until they saw it themselves? Then when they did see it, the response was, "OH, now I understand!". That is how God is giving me the gift of wisdom and understanding. I thought it would be easy and fun like college, finding a new concept about God and loving Him more, but God's relationships grow deeper and with more passion every year and some things you can get from a book.
I asked God to give me understanding, and He he replies with a resounding,"Yes!", but what I didn't know is to get this godly understanding I must walk through the field of experience and be subject to even the most brutal of machines to reshape who I am, what I am becoming and the way I see and do life. Because once my heart has felt and my world has encountered this understanding, and if I keep walking through it, I can't ever be the same. I am rethinking how much understanding and wisdom I actually would like to have. I am not sure how many more experiences I can take in life, but it is the experiences, the understanding, that reminds us that we are alive.
Live with the lost & searching,
talk to the forgotten,
listen to the confused,
have dinner with the lonely,
look at the over looked,
cry with the broken hearted,
hold hands with the "children" who were abused,
feel the warm tears that fall from the eyes of the unwanted and the disfigured
ce sont les manières de l'arrangement
---these are the ways of understanding
neither decline--that is, from obeying my word.
Get wisdom, take pains for it. take more pains to get this than the wealth of this world.
When I was in high school we had to take a foreign language. Our school only offered Spanish and French although now I know most schools offer many other languages as well. I always thought French was cool, you know, for lovers and such. So off I went taking 3 years of French classes and I studied and did well enough for a B. Not a high B though because I was always scared to speak the language. The problem was I studied my book and vocab words, but I didn't have any experience speaking it. Most of the students would practice with one another, or just remember, but I never did. By my third year we weren't allowed to speak English at all in class and I remembered feeling SO freaked out. I think I actually dropped the class eventually. Most of the other students who stayed, actually went on to go to France and use what they had learned. I wish I would have, but I didn't understand the language. When they got back, they were all talking about how great it was. They went to France, I didn't. They experienced something and unless I on my own make an effort to go there as well, I will never understand.
I realized yesterday that for years I have been praying for God's wisdom and understanding. But I think I thought they would come in a pretty book signed by a famous Christian author purchased at a safe Christian bookstore while MWS played in the background. I had no idea that sometimes understanding is experience. Have you ever had to explain something and people wouldn't believe you until they saw it themselves? Then when they did see it, the response was, "OH, now I understand!". That is how God is giving me the gift of wisdom and understanding. I thought it would be easy and fun like college, finding a new concept about God and loving Him more, but God's relationships grow deeper and with more passion every year and some things you can get from a book.
I asked God to give me understanding, and He he replies with a resounding,"Yes!", but what I didn't know is to get this godly understanding I must walk through the field of experience and be subject to even the most brutal of machines to reshape who I am, what I am becoming and the way I see and do life. Because once my heart has felt and my world has encountered this understanding, and if I keep walking through it, I can't ever be the same. I am rethinking how much understanding and wisdom I actually would like to have. I am not sure how many more experiences I can take in life, but it is the experiences, the understanding, that reminds us that we are alive.
Live with the lost & searching,
talk to the forgotten,
listen to the confused,
have dinner with the lonely,
look at the over looked,
cry with the broken hearted,
hold hands with the "children" who were abused,
feel the warm tears that fall from the eyes of the unwanted and the disfigured
ce sont les manières de l'arrangement
---these are the ways of understanding
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
passion
It has been a long winter..but I almost saw the sun.
I told someone this past weekend that I don't feel equipped to do what God has called me to do. I feel probably at one of the lowest places and most confused spiritually that I have ever been. I have a lot of questions and pain to work through. My friend told me there was nothing he could do but pray for me. My issues are with God. He was right. I then told him I don't feel like I should be on stage directing others to God when I feel so messed up right now. I said I have no passion. He gently listened to me as I cried and wrestled with where God and my heart have led me. I feel guilty to not have passion for what I am doing. But this weekend I didn't have a choice. I knew the day would come when I had to go back to "work" and speak of God to others. The moment had come. I got on the stage and although I didn't have much to say, and I was VERY nervous, it felt right. That right feeling you get when you know that even though you don't know why, you are right where you are supposed to be. I walked off the stage feeling disappointed in myself and knowing that although I didn't prepare the way I had wanted and my spirit didn't communicate the way I thought it should have, I knew someone had been touched by the simple verse I read. And later it was confirmed. Although in that moment it felt right, I know I am not right. Once off the stage my life was waiting for me. Confusion stood stage left waiting to hand me a towel and direct me back to my room filled with questions. I still can't shake this tired, confused, passionless feeling I have. Then today I read this:
What is the passion of Christ? Many would say it is the period of intense suffering in the life of Jesus from the Garden of Gethsemane to the Crucifixion.
I never really pictured passion being intense suffering. I always assumed you had passion when you were at your closest with Jesus. Feeling his every move, knowing almost what he is going to say to you. But this sentence turns me in a different direction reminding me that Christ had his most "passion" when he was in the garden, confused by the outcome of his life. Or maybe not confused, but just wishing there was another way for redemption. That is how I feel. Redemption is happening in my life, in my family. I just wish it could have come wrapped in a pretty red bow and presented to us at a party. No, God doesn't always work that way. He sometimes wants his children to feel what He feels or has felt. Passion. Raw Passion. The kind that makes you lay on the ground and sweat blood, or not want to get out of bed in the morning. The desperate kind that forces you to yell at God and beg for another way. Pain. Fear. Loss. Hurt. Loneliness. Confusion. Desperation. ... Passion.
this passion leads to redemption
I told someone this past weekend that I don't feel equipped to do what God has called me to do. I feel probably at one of the lowest places and most confused spiritually that I have ever been. I have a lot of questions and pain to work through. My friend told me there was nothing he could do but pray for me. My issues are with God. He was right. I then told him I don't feel like I should be on stage directing others to God when I feel so messed up right now. I said I have no passion. He gently listened to me as I cried and wrestled with where God and my heart have led me. I feel guilty to not have passion for what I am doing. But this weekend I didn't have a choice. I knew the day would come when I had to go back to "work" and speak of God to others. The moment had come. I got on the stage and although I didn't have much to say, and I was VERY nervous, it felt right. That right feeling you get when you know that even though you don't know why, you are right where you are supposed to be. I walked off the stage feeling disappointed in myself and knowing that although I didn't prepare the way I had wanted and my spirit didn't communicate the way I thought it should have, I knew someone had been touched by the simple verse I read. And later it was confirmed. Although in that moment it felt right, I know I am not right. Once off the stage my life was waiting for me. Confusion stood stage left waiting to hand me a towel and direct me back to my room filled with questions. I still can't shake this tired, confused, passionless feeling I have. Then today I read this:
What is the passion of Christ? Many would say it is the period of intense suffering in the life of Jesus from the Garden of Gethsemane to the Crucifixion.
I never really pictured passion being intense suffering. I always assumed you had passion when you were at your closest with Jesus. Feeling his every move, knowing almost what he is going to say to you. But this sentence turns me in a different direction reminding me that Christ had his most "passion" when he was in the garden, confused by the outcome of his life. Or maybe not confused, but just wishing there was another way for redemption. That is how I feel. Redemption is happening in my life, in my family. I just wish it could have come wrapped in a pretty red bow and presented to us at a party. No, God doesn't always work that way. He sometimes wants his children to feel what He feels or has felt. Passion. Raw Passion. The kind that makes you lay on the ground and sweat blood, or not want to get out of bed in the morning. The desperate kind that forces you to yell at God and beg for another way. Pain. Fear. Loss. Hurt. Loneliness. Confusion. Desperation. ... Passion.
this passion leads to redemption
Monday, February 11, 2008
not today
I don't feel good today. I haven't been feeling good for some time now. I don't know if the stress in my life is making me physically sick, but lately I haven't felt well. My stomach hurts almost daily now and I get a migraine about once a week. I got one last night again. They suck more than anything. Thank God for my meds although they don't last forever.
I keep waking up feeling like today will be different from yesterday, but then the more I get into it, it's not. I still feel depressed, I still feel stuck, I still feel alone, I still feel like I am going crazy in this house, in this situation. A friend of mine told me once that if you don't like your life, stop feeling sorry for yourself and just change it. But I don't know how to do that. I struggle MUCH with the idea of biblical commitment and what God would want me to do. If it were all about being comfortable or happy I would move away and get a job. Live life the way I would want to. I actually don't even know what that would look like. I am nearing the mark of a long long year and with each breath it gets harder to swallow that I don't feel I've moved forward much. Yes, I have learned a bunch blah blah blah. But instead of feeling strong and ready, I feel tired, weak, and unprepared. I am afraid to have to stand on stage in 9 days and proclaim things I am not sure I understand. I have nothing to say to people. My faith is weak or gone. I haven't any Hope. I know I am struggling. I know I wont be in this place forever. I know things WILL change because they always do. I just am tired of always feeling like I need things to change.
Do I make bad decisions? I try to do what I feel God would want. Love deeply. But I have found that loving deeply only leads to regret and tears. Is it better to be shallow, guarded and lonely? Or deep with solitude and despair? I open the bible to find hope, or at least to find something. I did this last night and it fell to the scripture of how my friends aren't really my friends, they are my enemies. nice. Not much comfort there.
I heard yesterday, or the day before (all days look the same in louville) that our friends Paul and Sonya lost another baby. I went upstairs and just cried. It makes no sense to me! I can't believe all the death that has been close to me in just two months. I guess that's the reality-people die. But so young? without even being born? And to such good people. It makes no sense to me. And I know that the things we go through are for us. They are for some spiritual reason. I don't believe things happen on accident, but sigh...grr...ugh. I am really tired.
I told lou yesterday that I wish I could just turn off my emotions. I wish I felt nothing instead of feeling everything. I take everything so personally and many times it just drives me mad.
I have been looking over the past several years of otb stuff because I am working on a project for the business. It has been interesting but also it has made me feel so tired. I got an email from a friend who is in another ministry a bit like ours. She was talking about how they finally got a "big break" and were asked to perform for a place that they have wanted to perform in for some time. People were saying that they didn't have to wait very long to get noticed. But they have been waiting for 5 years. I think time is funny. I am very excited for them, I really am. Some of my good friends are in that group. But once again I let out a big sigh feeling left. Maybe you never really do "make it". Maybe we have already made it. And if this is "it", is it enough?
I am going to go for now. I have ranted enough for today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I keep waking up feeling like today will be different from yesterday, but then the more I get into it, it's not. I still feel depressed, I still feel stuck, I still feel alone, I still feel like I am going crazy in this house, in this situation. A friend of mine told me once that if you don't like your life, stop feeling sorry for yourself and just change it. But I don't know how to do that. I struggle MUCH with the idea of biblical commitment and what God would want me to do. If it were all about being comfortable or happy I would move away and get a job. Live life the way I would want to. I actually don't even know what that would look like. I am nearing the mark of a long long year and with each breath it gets harder to swallow that I don't feel I've moved forward much. Yes, I have learned a bunch blah blah blah. But instead of feeling strong and ready, I feel tired, weak, and unprepared. I am afraid to have to stand on stage in 9 days and proclaim things I am not sure I understand. I have nothing to say to people. My faith is weak or gone. I haven't any Hope. I know I am struggling. I know I wont be in this place forever. I know things WILL change because they always do. I just am tired of always feeling like I need things to change.
Do I make bad decisions? I try to do what I feel God would want. Love deeply. But I have found that loving deeply only leads to regret and tears. Is it better to be shallow, guarded and lonely? Or deep with solitude and despair? I open the bible to find hope, or at least to find something. I did this last night and it fell to the scripture of how my friends aren't really my friends, they are my enemies. nice. Not much comfort there.
I heard yesterday, or the day before (all days look the same in louville) that our friends Paul and Sonya lost another baby. I went upstairs and just cried. It makes no sense to me! I can't believe all the death that has been close to me in just two months. I guess that's the reality-people die. But so young? without even being born? And to such good people. It makes no sense to me. And I know that the things we go through are for us. They are for some spiritual reason. I don't believe things happen on accident, but sigh...grr...ugh. I am really tired.
I told lou yesterday that I wish I could just turn off my emotions. I wish I felt nothing instead of feeling everything. I take everything so personally and many times it just drives me mad.
I have been looking over the past several years of otb stuff because I am working on a project for the business. It has been interesting but also it has made me feel so tired. I got an email from a friend who is in another ministry a bit like ours. She was talking about how they finally got a "big break" and were asked to perform for a place that they have wanted to perform in for some time. People were saying that they didn't have to wait very long to get noticed. But they have been waiting for 5 years. I think time is funny. I am very excited for them, I really am. Some of my good friends are in that group. But once again I let out a big sigh feeling left. Maybe you never really do "make it". Maybe we have already made it. And if this is "it", is it enough?
I am going to go for now. I have ranted enough for today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
17 years and no introduction
I just read one of the saddest letters. I received it from my brother yesterday. My sister has started a conversation with us about our parents death. Specifically my mother. Both of my parents were tragically killed when I had just turned 19. My brother was 16, my sister 27. Their birthdays are in October so they weren't their year older yet. My sister contemplating life and battling depression has realized she misses and needs my mom. A hole that will never be filled. My brother in turn has communicated his hurts of how much he missed out on without parents. "I've lived more of a life without them then with them. I've never introduced them to a girlfriend or had an adult conversation with them. They never knew me.". Both letters were heart breaking to me. I believe I have dealt with my parents death for the most part. I know I will always miss them and always need them, but I have been SO very lucky to have TONS of people surrounding me that have helped me through these times. My sister and brother are not as social and have had a harder time creating these worlds. Maybe it's not about being social, maybe it was just luck. My brother reminds me in his letter that although things might seem depressing right now, they will change. They always do. He is right. My life has changed so much in the past 10 years. Not better, not worse, just changed. I have realized although the place where you are now might seem like the worst hell you could possibly be in, there could always be something worse, so be careful what you proclaim.
Sometimes i wonder what makes one person more mentally able to handle life than others. I know friends of friends who can't deal with losing family. They end up in mental hospitals for days at a time trying to figure out how to continue living without this person they loved so much. I know people who deny their feelings and fill their day up with jokes and smiles to avoid the pain or fear that they are actually feeling inside. I have seen movies about people who have gone through something traumatic and "snapped" going on killing sprees. I can somewhat understand people walking around homeless because situations have caused them to not cope. Yet I keep thinking in my life that I am on the edge of all of these situations, but nothing in me snaps. I am waiting for my brain to click over and I find myself out in the snow unable to speak. Or driving aimlessly until the gas runs out of my car. But soon after a good cry session and possibly a blog writing, I get up, take a shower and start my day. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? What make me different from all those other people unable to cope. And how do I get there?
The closest I ever get to not coping is avoidance. And even that doesn't work forever with me. I can't help but dive into my issue tearing it a part from one side to the next. Not allowing it to destroy me with fear, sadness or torture. This could take several years, but I am moving through it. I don't like that about me. Many times I wish I could just leave my parents tomb stone in that freezing cold cemetery and forget it is even there. Like almost pretending that they are on some long extended vacation or something. But my heart brings me back to that grave year after year to face it's harsh reality. Something is dead. Something is changed. Something is void. You are looking at it in the face, so your move. And that's just it, I moved. Breathe in breathe out. Some days that's all you can do.
My smile is hidden these days somewhere in the frozen tundra of Hudsonville. Along with my personality and future. Maybe one day it will thaw...
Sometimes i wonder what makes one person more mentally able to handle life than others. I know friends of friends who can't deal with losing family. They end up in mental hospitals for days at a time trying to figure out how to continue living without this person they loved so much. I know people who deny their feelings and fill their day up with jokes and smiles to avoid the pain or fear that they are actually feeling inside. I have seen movies about people who have gone through something traumatic and "snapped" going on killing sprees. I can somewhat understand people walking around homeless because situations have caused them to not cope. Yet I keep thinking in my life that I am on the edge of all of these situations, but nothing in me snaps. I am waiting for my brain to click over and I find myself out in the snow unable to speak. Or driving aimlessly until the gas runs out of my car. But soon after a good cry session and possibly a blog writing, I get up, take a shower and start my day. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? What make me different from all those other people unable to cope. And how do I get there?
The closest I ever get to not coping is avoidance. And even that doesn't work forever with me. I can't help but dive into my issue tearing it a part from one side to the next. Not allowing it to destroy me with fear, sadness or torture. This could take several years, but I am moving through it. I don't like that about me. Many times I wish I could just leave my parents tomb stone in that freezing cold cemetery and forget it is even there. Like almost pretending that they are on some long extended vacation or something. But my heart brings me back to that grave year after year to face it's harsh reality. Something is dead. Something is changed. Something is void. You are looking at it in the face, so your move. And that's just it, I moved. Breathe in breathe out. Some days that's all you can do.
My smile is hidden these days somewhere in the frozen tundra of Hudsonville. Along with my personality and future. Maybe one day it will thaw...
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
daily subject: food
What do you eat that is healthy? What kinds of foods did you eat growing up? What diet are you on now? What do you think healthy eating is?
I try to eat as healthy as I can. I stopped eating wheat products about 2 years ago and have felt better since then. I have also tried to stop eating sugar as well. That has helped me with my weight. But since living with drew's parents it has been hard. Also since living with adam who is on an ALL sugar diet it's been hard. I make him desserts but can't have any. ugh. But I don't think there is a perfect diet for everyone. I think healthy eating is what everyone says, eat meat, lots of veggies and fruits and drink lots of water. This will make everyone healthy. It is just not easy to do. Carmel is way to yummy.
I try to eat as healthy as I can. I stopped eating wheat products about 2 years ago and have felt better since then. I have also tried to stop eating sugar as well. That has helped me with my weight. But since living with drew's parents it has been hard. Also since living with adam who is on an ALL sugar diet it's been hard. I make him desserts but can't have any. ugh. But I don't think there is a perfect diet for everyone. I think healthy eating is what everyone says, eat meat, lots of veggies and fruits and drink lots of water. This will make everyone healthy. It is just not easy to do. Carmel is way to yummy.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
daily subject: school
What have you had to give up to get a good education? Do you know anyone who was home schooled? What courses did you study and how large were your class loads? Describe some of the experiences that you had.
I went to Central Michigan University my second year out of high school. I was going to attend Lansing Community College, but my financial stuff fell through at the last minute. It led to a horrible fight between my mother and I. So I worked 3 jobs (Meijer, Newspaper, Heritage Chrysler) for a year and finally started college at Central. My parents died a week before classes started, so that didn't lead to a very good semester. Day after day of parties, I barely passed. I actually felt good though because Michelle, my roommate got on academic probation and I partied more than she did. But, by the grace of God 2 years later (3 years out of high school) I was recruited by a guy from Michigan Christian College. It was 3 hours away and I couldn't imagine going to a place where there were Christians. Especially Christian men. I had a few friends that went there and so I looked into it. I ended up transferring mid-semester. But the thing I had to give up was SO hard. My family. I was living with my brother and best friend at the time. I had to leave them both. It was so hard to leave, but I knew I had to get out of my current situation. Things were never as fun as those years I lived with them both, but I had to turn a page. The rest of my life was totally changed because of that decision.
I know lots of people who were and are home schooled. Some of my best friends were home schooled and they are some of the most creative people I have ever met. My nephew is home schooled and doing great. It's not for everyone, but it is great for others.
My class loads were typically around 15 credit hours a week. I did pull 21 my last semester of college and got all A's, something I am very proud of. It was the ONLY semester in my life that happened, so I was excited. But I studied all things from business to music to astronomy. I loved accounting but didn't go into it because I found my professor nice, yet boring. Not a very good teacher. I learned to study my last semester and had wished I would have learned it years before. I wish it was a requirement that all freshman take a class that teaches you how to study and research. It wouldn't help everyone, but it would have made a world of difference to me.
To many experiences to write about. From boys to Tau to devo's to taco bell runs...so much fun. Just read my journals. On second thought, don't.
I went to Central Michigan University my second year out of high school. I was going to attend Lansing Community College, but my financial stuff fell through at the last minute. It led to a horrible fight between my mother and I. So I worked 3 jobs (Meijer, Newspaper, Heritage Chrysler) for a year and finally started college at Central. My parents died a week before classes started, so that didn't lead to a very good semester. Day after day of parties, I barely passed. I actually felt good though because Michelle, my roommate got on academic probation and I partied more than she did. But, by the grace of God 2 years later (3 years out of high school) I was recruited by a guy from Michigan Christian College. It was 3 hours away and I couldn't imagine going to a place where there were Christians. Especially Christian men. I had a few friends that went there and so I looked into it. I ended up transferring mid-semester. But the thing I had to give up was SO hard. My family. I was living with my brother and best friend at the time. I had to leave them both. It was so hard to leave, but I knew I had to get out of my current situation. Things were never as fun as those years I lived with them both, but I had to turn a page. The rest of my life was totally changed because of that decision.
I know lots of people who were and are home schooled. Some of my best friends were home schooled and they are some of the most creative people I have ever met. My nephew is home schooled and doing great. It's not for everyone, but it is great for others.
My class loads were typically around 15 credit hours a week. I did pull 21 my last semester of college and got all A's, something I am very proud of. It was the ONLY semester in my life that happened, so I was excited. But I studied all things from business to music to astronomy. I loved accounting but didn't go into it because I found my professor nice, yet boring. Not a very good teacher. I learned to study my last semester and had wished I would have learned it years before. I wish it was a requirement that all freshman take a class that teaches you how to study and research. It wouldn't help everyone, but it would have made a world of difference to me.
To many experiences to write about. From boys to Tau to devo's to taco bell runs...so much fun. Just read my journals. On second thought, don't.
what are the chances?
What are the chances that I would be given $1.00 for every time I said, "what are the chances?". Not high this time.
I was at Target trying to replace a dvd that I bought there earlier this month. I got to the end of the dvd and there was a scratch and I couldn't finish the disc. So I knew I didn't have a receipt because I bought it with cash, but I figured it was damaged so they would just switch it out. So much for my thinking. I found out there is some sort of policy where if you don't have your receipt for a purchase they "can't" do anything for you. So I was SO upset. I thought surely the manager of Target can either switch out my dvd or give me my money back or at the very least a rain check so I can buy it again at the sale price. "sorry, I wish there was something I could do.". wow. wow. wow. wow. It wasn't this girls fault, but she picked the wrong day to upset me. I must admit I got more upset as I went on because she kept saying "sorry" with a blank face on. I finally asked her to stop saying sorry because it was only upsetting me more. He words were not action and I couldn't believe they were telling me I paid $20 bucks for nothing. I was SUPER upset. So I went home and made a few calls and got no where, resolving to wait until Monday to handle it. It was Saturday.
Sunday we decided to go to the movies. It was a late movie starting at 9pm. When we got out we found ourselves in a winter wonderland as it had snowed 4-5 inches in just an hour and a half. We decided to eat at Fridays since it was so late and it was close. No one was there, we had the place to ourselves and it was a lovely dinner. Drew and Adam were sitting next to one another and I was facing them. They were facing the door and that's how they could see the manager of Target coming in to sit right behind us. WOW. "What are the chances?" I asked myself. Of all people to tromps out into the snow in the middle of the night half way across the city. We contemplated what to do since if we left she would know for sure it was us. So I decided to send her some spin dip and tell her sorry for getting upset. The waitress served it to them and I got up to talk. She was instantly in manager mode again and she looked a bit scared. I didn't blame her, I was really upset. I knew it wasn't her fault and she did do a good job handling me. But she still didn't help me! I said good-bye and realized she never said thanks for the app. Now I am really mad. But I decided to let it go and know that the crazy things happen for a reason. God wanted me to do something, to interact with her, and so I did. I just had to shake my head and wish that was one more dollar coming towards me.
I was at Target trying to replace a dvd that I bought there earlier this month. I got to the end of the dvd and there was a scratch and I couldn't finish the disc. So I knew I didn't have a receipt because I bought it with cash, but I figured it was damaged so they would just switch it out. So much for my thinking. I found out there is some sort of policy where if you don't have your receipt for a purchase they "can't" do anything for you. So I was SO upset. I thought surely the manager of Target can either switch out my dvd or give me my money back or at the very least a rain check so I can buy it again at the sale price. "sorry, I wish there was something I could do.". wow. wow. wow. wow. It wasn't this girls fault, but she picked the wrong day to upset me. I must admit I got more upset as I went on because she kept saying "sorry" with a blank face on. I finally asked her to stop saying sorry because it was only upsetting me more. He words were not action and I couldn't believe they were telling me I paid $20 bucks for nothing. I was SUPER upset. So I went home and made a few calls and got no where, resolving to wait until Monday to handle it. It was Saturday.
Sunday we decided to go to the movies. It was a late movie starting at 9pm. When we got out we found ourselves in a winter wonderland as it had snowed 4-5 inches in just an hour and a half. We decided to eat at Fridays since it was so late and it was close. No one was there, we had the place to ourselves and it was a lovely dinner. Drew and Adam were sitting next to one another and I was facing them. They were facing the door and that's how they could see the manager of Target coming in to sit right behind us. WOW. "What are the chances?" I asked myself. Of all people to tromps out into the snow in the middle of the night half way across the city. We contemplated what to do since if we left she would know for sure it was us. So I decided to send her some spin dip and tell her sorry for getting upset. The waitress served it to them and I got up to talk. She was instantly in manager mode again and she looked a bit scared. I didn't blame her, I was really upset. I knew it wasn't her fault and she did do a good job handling me. But she still didn't help me! I said good-bye and realized she never said thanks for the app. Now I am really mad. But I decided to let it go and know that the crazy things happen for a reason. God wanted me to do something, to interact with her, and so I did. I just had to shake my head and wish that was one more dollar coming towards me.
Monday, February 04, 2008
daily subject: sports (ugh)
What sporting event would you like to win or be a part of winning? How often do you play sports? What sports teams have you been a part of? How good are you and what story can you tell us about jogging?
Well, I must admit I am a closet sports person. I actually LOVE going to sporting events. I love the outdoors and I love to be at a baseball game, basket ball game, football, hockey (although I've never been to a hockey game...I know, can you believe it?), dodgeball, or whatever. I can honestly say I don't like watching golf though. But I do like playing it. I've only played a few times but it's pretty fun. The problem with all of this is I don't have people that are close to me that like to do these things. I don't like to follow the series of things, like the pistons etc. I don't have favorites, although I can see how I could love Chicago Cubs or New York Yankees before others. I like feeling like a fan. But again, my husband isn't a sports guy, or an event guy so I've never been to one with him. It's a small price to pay since we have so many other things that I love to do in common. I usually get to see one baseball game a year. Which I think is pretty good for me. Oh, and I've only been to a Cubs game, that's the only major baseball team I've seen. I have a thought to believe that minor baseball is more fun, and less expensive, but I don't know.
I played softball when I was in high school and although I loved it, I didn't continue because I was afraid of the senior girls. They were big and scary to me, so I wimped out. I liked volleyball ok and almost tried out for that, but growing up it was hard to find rides to school for practice. We lived about 5 miles out of town and my parents really didn't want to bother with extra activities.
As for jogging, I hate jogging. But there is something about a good run that makes you feel good when you're done and helps clear your mind a bit. I wish SO BAD I had a tread mill so I could run everyday. Running on the road gets tricky for me. I hate finding the time, taking showers, having smelly clothes in my suitcase etc. Those could just be excuses, but I still hate it. I could see jogging becoming something I like more and more. I will always remember my jog on the beach with zac and ryan. It seems there might have been someone else there too, but I forget who. It was after dark and we all went for a run together. They are both experienced runners so it was a bit embarrassing for me, but they are so kind and awesome. I remember feeling cool and good about myself being out there with them that night. The waves crashing, people walking the beach, it was awesome.
Well, I must admit I am a closet sports person. I actually LOVE going to sporting events. I love the outdoors and I love to be at a baseball game, basket ball game, football, hockey (although I've never been to a hockey game...I know, can you believe it?), dodgeball, or whatever. I can honestly say I don't like watching golf though. But I do like playing it. I've only played a few times but it's pretty fun. The problem with all of this is I don't have people that are close to me that like to do these things. I don't like to follow the series of things, like the pistons etc. I don't have favorites, although I can see how I could love Chicago Cubs or New York Yankees before others. I like feeling like a fan. But again, my husband isn't a sports guy, or an event guy so I've never been to one with him. It's a small price to pay since we have so many other things that I love to do in common. I usually get to see one baseball game a year. Which I think is pretty good for me. Oh, and I've only been to a Cubs game, that's the only major baseball team I've seen. I have a thought to believe that minor baseball is more fun, and less expensive, but I don't know.
I played softball when I was in high school and although I loved it, I didn't continue because I was afraid of the senior girls. They were big and scary to me, so I wimped out. I liked volleyball ok and almost tried out for that, but growing up it was hard to find rides to school for practice. We lived about 5 miles out of town and my parents really didn't want to bother with extra activities.
As for jogging, I hate jogging. But there is something about a good run that makes you feel good when you're done and helps clear your mind a bit. I wish SO BAD I had a tread mill so I could run everyday. Running on the road gets tricky for me. I hate finding the time, taking showers, having smelly clothes in my suitcase etc. Those could just be excuses, but I still hate it. I could see jogging becoming something I like more and more. I will always remember my jog on the beach with zac and ryan. It seems there might have been someone else there too, but I forget who. It was after dark and we all went for a run together. They are both experienced runners so it was a bit embarrassing for me, but they are so kind and awesome. I remember feeling cool and good about myself being out there with them that night. The waves crashing, people walking the beach, it was awesome.
a new push
so...I have decided to once again try to push myself into writing daily. I am not sure why I feel it is important, as many days I for sure don't see myself as a writer, but only as a confused person with a lot of thoughts rolling around up there. But, none the less, I have decided to answer questions which another site has generated for me. The questions and content wont be that deep or even interesting, but I thought I would give it a shot. At least it will keep me off crappy sites that fill my head with mush like myspace and facebook. ok, here we go...
Friday, February 01, 2008
depressed..unmotivated...uninspired
That's how I feel today. I don't feel inspired about anything, and I feel I am losing myself in this house. Most days I see and know being here is a blessing, but today, I feel it is a prison. I haven't seen my family or friends in awhile and I honestly don't feel like seeing them. I am broke, and in debt. I have no way of working out so I feel over weight. In a lot of ways I just feel stuck.
however...
The snow is falling as I write this and it is so beautiful. The fireplace is on and the furnace is fixed and working. There is java in my cup, not just java but starbucks from my awesome brother at christmas. I will eat salmon tonight and although I am out of diet coke and have been for some time, there is still vita-water to drink. I went to the library yesterday and it took me a bit because I went to the wrong library to get my card. At least I know where they both are now, but even the two library's in town put together didn't make a library as good as Canton's. sigh...I miss my home.
I guess doing my books today has made me feel hopeless. God promises to take care of those He loves, and he is doing just that. I just wish I was smarter and wiser and didn't make decisions based on making other people feel good. I am learning so much. At least I hope I am. I would hate to think that all this time has been wasted.
however...
The snow is falling as I write this and it is so beautiful. The fireplace is on and the furnace is fixed and working. There is java in my cup, not just java but starbucks from my awesome brother at christmas. I will eat salmon tonight and although I am out of diet coke and have been for some time, there is still vita-water to drink. I went to the library yesterday and it took me a bit because I went to the wrong library to get my card. At least I know where they both are now, but even the two library's in town put together didn't make a library as good as Canton's. sigh...I miss my home.
I guess doing my books today has made me feel hopeless. God promises to take care of those He loves, and he is doing just that. I just wish I was smarter and wiser and didn't make decisions based on making other people feel good. I am learning so much. At least I hope I am. I would hate to think that all this time has been wasted.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
My first Chrismukkah
It is well past new years now, but our holiday season is well over. This year it started early as we celebrated Hanukkah with adam. I learned a lot about the Jewish 8 day celebration. I had no idea it was a celebration of a miracle. For 8 days oil lit the lamp in the temple that was destroyed. There was only enough oil for a day or so, but God kept the light burning. Now the Jews celebrate what God did for them by lighting a light every day for 8 days. They say a beautiful blessing and eat special foods. The celebrate by giving one gift each day to their children. We ate jelly donuts and potato pancakes and drank wine. Being a Christian, it was interesting to be a part of a holiday that lasts 8 days. I have read about those types of holidays in the old testament and I always wondered what that would be like. I think God really liked to party. 8 days to celebrate a small miracle like oil.
Last week I was outside praying about Adam and what God wants for him. I was praying that we would have another discussion about God, Jesus and heaven. I went inside to discover drew having that very talk with him. He was telling him about Jesus and why we believe he is the Messiah. I couldn't believe it! After a long conversation, drew wanted to anoint him with oil. Drew has a small flask of oil that he has in his backpack. I went upstairs to greet drew's parents while drew spent prayer time with adam. When I got back downstairs adam asked me if I had filled drew's flask. I told him no. Then he reminded me that drew had anointed him when we lived at kirkridge and after that the oil spilled on the floor. The flask was empty.
I looked at Adam as he was bewildered and a bit freaked out that now the flask was full. Neither he nor drew or I put oil in the flask, yet it was full to the top. We told adam God wanted to get his attention. That He was present and had wonderful things for him. That he is special and picked by God for something special. Adam was soaking it all in. What better way to celebrate 8 days of miraculous light, then to have an actual miracle happen, with oil, to someone who needed one.
Merry Chrismukkah.
Last week I was outside praying about Adam and what God wants for him. I was praying that we would have another discussion about God, Jesus and heaven. I went inside to discover drew having that very talk with him. He was telling him about Jesus and why we believe he is the Messiah. I couldn't believe it! After a long conversation, drew wanted to anoint him with oil. Drew has a small flask of oil that he has in his backpack. I went upstairs to greet drew's parents while drew spent prayer time with adam. When I got back downstairs adam asked me if I had filled drew's flask. I told him no. Then he reminded me that drew had anointed him when we lived at kirkridge and after that the oil spilled on the floor. The flask was empty.
I looked at Adam as he was bewildered and a bit freaked out that now the flask was full. Neither he nor drew or I put oil in the flask, yet it was full to the top. We told adam God wanted to get his attention. That He was present and had wonderful things for him. That he is special and picked by God for something special. Adam was soaking it all in. What better way to celebrate 8 days of miraculous light, then to have an actual miracle happen, with oil, to someone who needed one.
Merry Chrismukkah.
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