we are many

Everyone has their own world they live in, it is just amazing to me at times how those worlds live so close to one another.

I was able to go out tonight with a good friend who talked to me about how she feels left out at times. That life sometimes gets her down because she doesn't feel included in things that someone should be included on. I even sat next to her as she listened to someone remind her that she and her family was, well, left out. I couldn't believe it, and I wanted to cry for her. That reminded me of the other girl I spent the evening with. She was telling me how she hated parties, and the reason was because she felt left out. My words, not hers, but she said she didn't really relate to people at parties. They were usually in a different place than she is.

We talked about how sometimes we just feel like not going out anywhere and staying at home, in hiding. Sometimes it is just easier than facing the things in our lives that we are constantly reminded of. Easier, but probably not better.

As i drove home I started thinking about this idea about the left outs, and how i was so preoccupied with listening to other people tell me they were having a hard time with those feelings, that I, for once, forgot that I too feel left out. There is a group I am not allowed into. And I thought how strange it is that we are really oblivious to those around us who are feeling like outcasts. Some one wrote me an email today and the last thing she told me was that most of the time she feels alone. That just made me wonder if we all sort of feel like that. We look at ourselves and feel like we don't belong into certain groups, whether it be family, or status, or stages of life. But really, we all belong to a group. The group of the unbelonged. We can never belong to everything, we will never be apart of every group. So maybe instead of always trying to get into the next group, we should instead try to push through our loneliness and love those we do have, remembering in a world full of loneliness, we are many.

closer

some things you hold so close to your heart that it is dangerous. I have conditioned myself to think of the things i hold dearest to my heart and hold them away at arms length. My mothers locket, given to me when I turned 16. My bible, falling apart, filled with years of struggle and triumph. My fathers leather jacket, never to be worn again because it isn't real leather and it has gotten hard, and torn. I used to have my fathers belt, but i was an idiot in college and lent it to someone who lost it. My diamond, given to me by my beloved, meant as a promise of faithfulness and love. The only card I have of my mothers, in her hand writing she tells me I am strong and she believes in me and is always with me. Post cards from around the world. These things, and many others I have seen go up in flames in a house fire. I have seen them get lost over the years, stolen by a burglar. Over and over I have thought about the fact that I might lose one of them sometime. It is a reality that could happen. But that doesn't stop me from reading them, from loving them. From wanting them to stay with me. They are so dear to me.

Then i thought about people. What happens when I let people get that close, or even closer to my heart than those items of the past? What if they are taken from me? It is strange that I feel I have had to endure time after time losing friendships, or family. I hate it. But there is something in my heart that longs for it even more. I can't stop loving. I can't stop wanting more. I love to give away my heart, even with the possibility of it getting a bit bruised. Because there is nothing worse than having a clean, spotless, un-tattered, protected heart. So even though it hurts, I give it out once more...

All things

As i sit here at the library and work on the new dvd book, while listening to the old gentleman across from me breath, I think, 'all things are coming to an end.'.

This was my thought earlier today as i looked back at the trees that once stood me in awe and now seem, sad. Death is coming. The leaves will fall and regenerate into the earth, while i sit and drink my newly attended decaf coffee. I know with life, all things change. there are seasons after seasons, but i have a feeling this one is different for me in some way. I feel more in touch with my emotions than a year ago when i wondered if God was still alive, and if He was, why was he punishing me. I am realizing I am a part of my surroundings, yes, but I am not the center. This sinful nature of mine that demands MY attention always clamoring for me to feed it, is hard to fight. But i get glimpses of hope. ugh, not that word that haunts my soul month after month, but it is true. Something is changing. Is it the world? this earth? the weather? my friends? or, could it just be me?

i don't mean for this to sound morbid really, although i am realizing it somewhat does. Things coming to an end, can sometimes be good. Turning that corner which we have been staring at for years can seem like a fresh breath of air. Finally on a different path, the same, yet different.

I have had a headache all day today. I think i am acquiring an allergy to red wine. i know, i know, i can't believe it either. But this is the third time i have tried it and have moments later gotten a migraine. The wine was good, but not worth it, i assure you. It has been pounding me all day. I have taken medication, drank O-J, took my vitamins. I even had drew use the massager on my back, but still I couldn't convince it to leave. But as I sit here at the library and work on the new dvd book, while listening to the old gentleman across from me breath, i think, 'all things are coming to an end.' and my head ache is almost gone.