Um, let's pause that.

As many of you know, Asher is 4.  He's a boy. He likes to play video games with his dad as well as watch shows. It's like his favorite thing ever so we have to monitor how long he can do that every day because he would literally spend all day doing them.  He is potty trained (THANK GOD!), but we seem to have an issue when he's in the middle of a game or when he wants to watch his show.  We can always tell he has to go because he starts his potty dance.  Even HE isn't noticing that he is wiggling around and grabbing himself because he has to go potty.  So we tell him, "Asher, pause the game and go potty".  No response.  "Asher! Pause the game".  "I don't have to go", he says. But it is obvious he does.  This usually only goes on no more than 3 times and then he gets frustrated and walks backwards to the bathroom with the remote in his hand so that he can pause it at the very last second.  He doesn't understand the concept of pausing. I mean, pausing doesn't end the show. Pausing doesn't lose your spot. Pausing doesn't ruin your game or make you go down a level.  It actually could help you play the game better because you are no longer wiggling all around while trying to play! But I get that feeling of wanting to do something so bad for whatever reason and you really, really, really don't want to pause the game.  So you wait till the very last minute. But pausing, isn't bad.  Just like Asher, it creates new focus, new possibility and possibly even a new outcome.  

So we hit the pause button. 

I dropped Asher off at school yesterday and I felt so stressed.  I was trying SO HARD to not feel stress but it felt almost impossible.  So I sat for a minute in my car and I imagined what it would be like to do the cycle this month - hurried, messy, un-orderly, chaotic, rushed, stress. Then I imagined what it would be like to push pause.  And it felt just like it does when Asher pushes that button - quiet, relaxed, control, orderly, PEACE. So I headed to work and talked it over with Drew and we have decided to wait another month to do the treatment.  Once we made that decision, we knew it was the right one. Overwhelming PEACE came over me. 

I had my massage last night and it was wonderful. I get 3 treatments with our cycle so I figured I would get a massage now (because I was so stressed) and then one either during stims and maybe one after I have the baby.  I have a year to use them up.  But she told me there are other services.  They also offer laser acupuncture which I've never heard of. She said they've had great success with that.  She said I could also choose to get a facial or see a personal trainer, but then she went on to say that I really didn't need that.  WHAT? That was a blessing cuz I'm not feeling that after winter hibernation.  But I left feeling uplifted to have more information and know that I have time to research and figure out if I want to use that or not. It just felt good to have a little more time. 

I went to my appointment this morning and told them our plan. They were great about it and had a new protocol for me to take home.  So basically I stop the pill for now, restart next week and I will be on that for 3 weeks or so and then we will go in for an ultrasound and blood work and then start stim shots that night.  That will be the end of April/beginning of May.  My trial transfer went great this morning as well, so that's one more thing checked off the list.  She also told me everything else was in, so the only thing left was to order my meds.  I explained to them the issues I was having with that as well as other things and they agreed waiting was a good idea. For those keeping up with schedule, my meds were supposed to be here yesterday (Monday) but when I called them they told me the "bid had expired".  So they had to create a new bid and have the pharmacist look at it and then they would call me.  That was yesterday morning at 9am.  I got the call today around 2.  I could have rushed it to get them here by Thursday, but it didn't feel right. So now I'm not in a rush. YAY! And this will also allow me to have my normal mammogram without skipping it for a year (which is what I would've had to do).  

Also - two people at work came up to us separately to tell us about our children. The first person came up to me last week and didn't know we were doing treatment, and she didn't really want to tell us this, but she really was feeling like we were going to have a baby soon and she felt like she had to tell us.  The other person came up to me today to tell me that she had a dream that she was surrounded by babies and in the middle was a baby girl.  In her dream she said, "that one is Drew and Kat's baby".  And she also didn't want to tell us because those things can be private and hard, but I'm so glad she did. For me, these things tell me God is with us. He is here and no matter what the outcome, He is so close to us all and THAT is really all that matters.

All in all, I feel Peace.  And that is what I prayed for this week.  I'm thanking God for being able to take a few days off to go to a conference with Drew. I'm thankful to have family coming this weekend to celebrate Easter. I'm thankful to have a few days off next week as well to just be with Drew and Asher. I feel very blessed right now.  And I realize that I AM blessed even in times when I don't feel it.  I talked tonight in our bible study about how fire is needed to create beautiful things. I believe that is true. I'm thankful for fire. I'm thankful for Jesus being in the fire with us. I'm thankful that when we come out we won't even smell like smoke.  And I'm thankful that it will create beautiful things. 

New schedule: 

Next 3 weeks, start the pill again. 

Finish loan stuff.

Figure out our septic stuff (we need a new field so if you know anything about any of that we are accepting wise counsel!)

Train the puppy.

Rest. 

Relax.

Pray. 

Eat well. 

Read Scripture.

Sleep well. 

Just Be. 

I can see the waves

Remember that Moses story I talked about earlier? Yeah, remember how it only got more exciting the more crazy it got? Man, that makes for an amazing story, doesn't it? But I have to admit, it sure feels different when it's you standing on that shore.

What a week.

This past week was not very fun.  Every doctor involved didn't pass on information.  They all told me they would do this 2 weeks ago, but...nope.  So I called the fertility doc to verify that everything was coming in and found out nothing had come yet.  So I called my primary, my obgyn as well as my insurance to get things going again.  All of that sounds like it's not a big deal, but it took forever.  One office was always at lunch or not answering the phone, and the other one told me I would have to call back this week to see if the doctor has read the results.  THEN they would fax them over.  Seriously....... tick...tock...tick...tock...

We worked on getting a loan this week to cover some of our expenses.  The loan officer put in my birthdate wrong (as well as my phone number) and so they were requiring me to find my birth certificate and fax it in so they could take a few more business days to verify that I am who I am.  I told them no.  LOL.  I was at my limit and I said I wasn't going to do that.  So they made an exception, however, they still are taking a few more days to look it over.   tick...tock...tick...tock....

Our next appointment is Tuesday. We have our trial transfer as well as blood work and if everything looks ok then we will start stim shots on Thursday. However, I don't have meds yet.

I got a call from 2 companies with bids for me a few weeks ago. So I called them last Wednesday to order but I wanted to know what the individual prices were from one of the companies.  The person I was talking with said it was showing up that we should run it through our insurance plan again.  I told her they already did that a few weeks ago and not much was covered, but she insisted we take another day to do it so I said fine.  This was going to take 24 hours.  I don't know why I thought fertility pharmacies were open 24 hours a day 7 days a week, but guess what? They are not. So yesterday I called them to confirm that the prices were indeed the same as they were before and yup, my insurance didn't pay for it (which I didn't expect but it wasted a day).  Then I had to go get Buster our dog from the vet.  I was thinking when I got home I would call and order meds, but I quickly found out the pharmacy was closed.  I was supposed to have the meds to the office by Monday at the latest. UGH.  It won't screw anything up I don't think. Our appointment isn't until Tuesday so they can still overnight them.  tick...tock...tick...tock...

Boy do I see those waves coming.  And I for sure feel the ground moving from the enemy pushing up against us.  We continue to pray through all that is happening. It's really hard to trust Him.  I'm not going to lie. I don't see how it's all going to work out.  When I look at the bottom line, it's a joke.  There are so many things happening in our lives that need attention.  Sometimes I think we should stop the entire process, but then I wonder if in 5 years I will regret that.  If I'm honest, a part of me thinks life would be fine the way it is. But that is not what God told us our future looks like.  So we press on, we press IN to Him. 

As we start this week, my prayer is that God will bring peace. Like SERIOUS Peace.  I would pray that if this is still what His will is, that He would part that sea. And if not, that He would pick us up on the boat and take us to where He would have us go.  But for now, we keep moving forward. One step, then the next.  And we continue praying that God is faithful as we know He is. 

Thank you joining us in prayer on this crazy crazy journey! We love you so. 

Monday: Kat gets a massage (PRAISE GOD!)
Tuesday: Trial Transfer and bloodwork
Wednesday: Work, rest
Thursday: Ultra sound and start shots
Friday: Repeat shots and remember that dead things aren't really dead in God's Kingdom.

Peace and Peace

Just a quick update for the week.  Nothing really to report as far as 'doing' stuff. But I thought I would write an update. It's been a good week full of mostly Peace.  I did have one breakdown that also included one crazy puppy and a fussy toddler, but besides that, I think it was a pretty good week. I'm trying to get things off my list of to-do's. I had a week full of promise. I had a doctors appointment, i received good blood results, I got another quote for our medication that was more what I expected, so I've been checking things off the list. This next week I hope to figure out the rest of the financial stuff as well as double checking everything that is required for the following week.  

Our next appointment will be March 26th. We will do a trial transfer, sign all our paperwork as well as get a 'how to give a shot' lesson.  That week will be could be more nerve wracking as we get closer to the process! I think we begin shots on March 29th. 

Today we rest. 

I described how I've been feeling to Laura this week and she told me that sounds like I'm burned out. That really resonated with me. It's exactly how I feel. I need a vacation for at least a week.  I feel like every muscle in my body and brain feels exhausted.  So this week I will try to get more rest, and continue to keep my brain in a health place.  It will be a good week.  

Oh, and Buster also gets neutered. It's a big week! ;) 

Watch for God

What a week.  A super good friend lost her sister to cancer and I've been overwhelmed with grief for her. It doesn't feel right, like the enemy stole something that wasn't his.  But I have to trust God nonetheless. I have to know HE has the final say.  And so I pray PEACE over my friend and her family as they move forward with this vast gap in their lives.

I just got back from an all night party with 600 jr. high students.  We had a session of worship, we went to a place called the Legacy Center which had a pool, open gym, go carts, VR and a trampoline room. After there we traveled to Dave n Busters for a few hours of unlimited arcade fun.  I tell you all of that to let you know my brain is fried! So read the following post with caution that it might make sense to me in my brain but could very well be coming out in gibberish.  haha.

We had our fertility appointment this past Tuesday and it was supposed to be the 'protocol' appointment.  So we thought we would go to see what the protocol would be as well as have our financial appointment.

The office is a bit unconventional in that because Dr. B passed away, Dr. Carol has taken over his practice but she already has 2 other places that she works from. So she hired a crew of people to run his office but she doesn't work there.  She visits once a week I think.  So when we go through IVF we really wont see our doctor until the day of retrieval (as far as I understand) So on Tuesday, we met with Lindsey who is an awesome PA. She explained in detail the process and paperwork required to do IVF with the new dr.  There are a lot of things that are different than the last time we went down this road.  Dr. Carol requires more paperwork, stricter contracts etc. She also has more stipulations because of my age. There is no lack in explaining our risks and how we can tackle them.  This reminds me how important it is to constantly remind myself of the power of my God.

She explained that we could keep taking the next step and see how far we could go.  There is concern that I will not produce enough follicles (or big enough) to actually have the procedure to remove eggs. But we could try to see how my body reacts and then once it's time to remove eggs if we feel we don't have enough to continue with IVF we would switch to an IUI, which we've never had success with, but it's a better chance at conception then what we would normally have.

After trying not to be overwhelmed by it all, Lindsey explained that we could join the IVF cycle for April if we wanted which would allow us to start right away. Since we have no reason to wait, we decided we might as well go ahead. We had to start BC that day if we wanted to do that cycle.  We decided to take that next step.  So I had my initial blood work and first ultrasound and I have 6 follicles, 3 on the right and 3 of the left.  These are just the initial follicles so we could have more or less as we see how the meds help them respond.  These are 'normal' numbers for me. Each follicle could have an egg in them that we would retrieve. These numbers can change in the next month however. 

So this past week has been full of making doctors appointments (I have to have medical clearance from my primary because of my age. I have to have a pap-smear and possibly my yearly mammogram).  My mammogram is a bit tricky because my yearly isn't until April 13 which is the week of transfer. So I wouldn't have the results until after that week. I'm trying to get prior approval to do it a week early which is kind of a long shot but I hear God likes those sort of odds.  So after telling my boss how awesome he is for letting me have a crazy schedule for the next few months, I crossed a few things off the list.

We started getting calls from the fertility med companies which went through all the medication and explained how much the total was. I might have had a little heart attack as the prices are a bit higher than the last time I did this.  There are a few options I can apply for aid etc which is good but all of these things take time etc.  So my goal this next week is to see how much of that I can get done and if for some reason I feel like we need more time we can delay the IVF another month.  I really would like to try to stay with April if possible though.  I honestly want to get it over with.

Our next steps for this week - apply for financial aid, figure out possible discounts, get a massage (we get 3 free with treatment-BONUS), continue taking birth control so they can control when I ovulate, try not to stress, try to remember God is in charge, remember words from friends who have encouraged us to keep taking the next step and be brave.

There have been so many times in my life where I've asked God to step in and cover my decisions.  This is one of them.  If this works, wow.  I will even be more speechless then the first time we did IVF and God gave us Asher.  If this doesn't work, I need Him to cover us.  I will need Him to show up and whisper it's ok. I've been feeling the past few weeks like Moses.  Not the 'let my people go' Moses but the one that was standing in front of a vast ocean and feeling the weight of what God told him to do.  I can imagine Him standing there looking at the water, the waves coming and feeling that cold chill to the bone as he wondered what now.  I feel his anxiety as he looks back over his shoulder and sees the eyes of children looking at him and crying because they don't understand why they are suddenly not in their comfy homes with their toys but they are standing on the cold beach holding the shaking hands of their parents.  I wonder if Moses could see the army coming just beyond the edge of God's people.  I imagine him looking back at the water and thinking "God, why? Why did you do this? I need you. I need your voice. I need one more miracle. I need you to do what you said you would do. Please don't let us die here on this dirty beach." Never, ever in Moses' wildest dreams could he have guessed what was coming.  I'm sure it wasn't the solution he was looking for. I'm sure he was praying for a miracle cruise ship that would take them away to the promise land. The reality is, he didn't know what to do, but God still had a plan. Maybe Aaron was quietly whispering, "watch for God...He is good...watch for God...He will not let us die...watch for God...His promises are true...watch for God.

I KNOW God has a plan for our family.  And for some reason we have had to fight for them almost our entire lives. I'm not going to lie, it's exhausting.  It doesn't make sense.  It confuses me. My reality almost feels against God's word (as the Bible told me to populate the Earth yet because of man's brokenness our bodies don't agree). Yet Moses stood there as a broken man just trying to put one foot in front of the other.  Trying to find one more shred of bravery to move God's promise into the unknown.  Literally moving the mountain of water OUT OF THE WAY so God's promises could walk through the dark places. I don't think walking through the ocean was a fun adventure. I don't think the children were like, "ooo mom, look at that whale in there!".  I think they were crapping their pants.  At least that's what I would've been doing.  I'm guessing it was a bit muddy and a bit smelly and TOTALLY overwhelmingly filled with fear.  But they were brave.  Every one of them.  They kept taking the next step.  One foot, then the next, then the next. 

Thanks for taking this journey with us.  Thanks for your prayers, emails, encouraging words etc. We will see what God has for us no matter what that looks like for our lives. I'm fearful about a lot of things as there are obviously a million unknowns.  But "I am still sure of one thing....

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take courage, and wait for the Lord. " Psalms 27:13-14

Thank you Selah for my bracelet. :)