Sweet 16w and it's skate-tastic!

ice rinks are cold, just fyi

she's on the left

Today was sort of a date day for drew and I.  We headed to Ann Arbor to see a niece (well, adopted niece, still counts) skate in her ice skating recital. She did amazing and the show was pretty fun. I've never been to an ice skating anything so it was cool to watch the different age groups skate, dance, jump, twirl and smile on the ice. There were the 2 year olds who came out of a rocket and basically the goal was to not fall down.  They skated forward, waved and then back into the rocket.  They all had on helmets and they were CRAZY cute.  Even Drew was like..O--K-- with cuteness. We visited with friends for a bit afterwards and on the drive home drew and I dreamed and wondered what our kids will be like.  Will they be artsy or like sports? Will they be in the math club or on the swim team? It's so interesting to think about. We agreed that we don't really want to be busy but also understood in a bigger city like what we live in things are so competitive and expensive. We don't like that. But bigger cities have lots of opportunities.  This is good.  But in smaller towns they probably don't have as many opportunities but things are cheaper and maybe less competitive.  Is there a place where we can have both worlds?

I was in dance when I was 5. We moved and then I wasn't in it anymore.  I wonder if that was because the cost was more or if it was because I begged not do it.  I was shy then and didn't want to move. So meeting new kids wasn't high on my list. Maybe my mom thought keeping me from dance for a year would help me.  But then I never went back to dance.  I do wish she would've kept me in it. I seemed to develop a habit of not being in or finishing much of anything as I grew up. I tried softball but was afraid of getting hurt so I quit after a year. I did stay in choir, but never felt like I excelled at it. It might not come down to dance, but there's so much I wish my parents would've made me do.  I wish I would've learned piano even if I didn't want to. I would know how to play right now, but I don't.  I can't swim because after one year of lessons I hated it (because I couldn't swim and I was in the beginner class while my friends who could swim were many classes ahead of me).  I felt like I never really got good at anything.

Now I know that I had lots of talents but I never applied myself to any of them.  I'm sure it was hard for my parents as I know I complained a lot too.  Oh, and I was lazy.

I want to have a balance in my life with kids. I want to do fun things but also know that it's ok to stay home and do "nothing."  Life is so crazy busy with always doing things that we never really stop to enjoy life. One of my favorite days last summer was when Drew and I packed up a picnic and took Ajax to the local park. Ajax freaked out a bit, but I thought it was peaceful and relaxing (until we noticed bugs were falling on us from the trees above - YIKES - not...good and a party pooper for sure).  But it was good to slow down.

I've realized it will be hard to get balance in life when the baby gets here when I feel like I can't even get balance now.  There are so many things that I want to do.  Today I made a list of 10 things that I want to get done but having trouble finding the time to do them.  One of those things is make a grocery list/plan for dinners. Another is clean.  UGH.. I can't figure out why these things are so hard. I know I've been working a lot lately, and I'm prego etc. but it seems like women who do those things PLUS grad school and/or having other kids get these simple tasks done!  I'm not sure where my time goes or what my problem is.

I was thinking about the baby girl name we picked out tonight. It sounds so perfect. No, I don't know that we are having a girl. But we really only have 2 girl names and one stands out over the other. We have several boy names. Drew has been collecting these names for years. He literally has a list of at least 20.  It will be strange in 2 1/2 weeks to find out what we are having.  Honestly, I'm more excited to see the baby again.  I haven't felt movement yet which I know is normal, but I've been praying for at least flutters. There are times I think I feel it, but I can't be sure that's really what it is.  I can't wait till the baby moves every day.  I know it will be the strangest feeling in the world. I can't imagine. I'm excited to see its face. The last ultrasound it was so tiny it looked like a peanut. It did have legs - kicking - but that was unusual for that age. I was thankful as I believe we have a strong warrior inside of me right now.  We are going to get the 411 on 4-11.

Tomorrow I am being blessed by going shopping with one of my special aunts. I feel overwhelmed to be blessed by this. She wants to take me to get a few maternity clothes and even just writing about it makes me cry. I guess because it makes me feel so loved. She doesn't have to buy me anything, but just knowing that she cares enough to spend time with me really makes me feel loved by my mother.  I know mom would be so excited to be a grandma again, even if it would be her 8th grandbaby.  That's weird to think about. She would be making all kinds of baby stuff for me. Blankets, burp clothes and who knows what else! She was a creative one!  I know she is so thankful that I am so taken care of and blessed by SO many people in my life.  I have already received so many special gifts. Even one of my best friends mom (mama V - LOVE YOU!) made me a special pair of booties for the baby.

I just started my 16th week and with that I'm feeling pretty good. There are still strange pregnant things that are happening to my body that I will spare you the details since uncles are reading--you're welcome- but just when I think the new normal is normal my body does something else that's different. Then I get an email update about my pregnancy and it explains the exact thing that's happening to me and how that too is normal.  It must be God sending these emails so I don't freak out. haha. 

Even though this is my 15 week picture, I pretty much look the same. I received a special shirt that is SO cute and I will be taking pictures in that as I grow as well.  So I will leave you with my growing thankful body.

baby bump

A perfect beat

Today we went for our second appointment with our new doctor.  I was a bit nervous for several reasons.  The first is that I had to tell the dr. that the nurse was rude to me this week when I was trying to get a prescription. The second reason was that little fear that something might be wrong.  I guess that's the part of me that still feels like I can't believe God would give me this gift.  It really is unbelievable to me.  The dr. really didn't say anything about her nurse except that I should never feel rushed or feel like I can't ask a question or ask for something that I need.  She said she would remind her to take time with the patients.  But honestly, I didn't feel like my dr. was that concerned about it.  I've realized the office I picked is all business.  My dr. has been delivering babies for a long time and she is very straight forward about how she feels about birthing and delivery.  I have full confidence in her as a dr. and I know everything will be fine. I explained the pains I've been having and she said that was normal as things are stretching etc.  She said the ovary pain I was feeling could've been a cyst that grew early in pregnancy and then burst. She said that was normal.  She seemed a bit rushed today too.  It kinda aggravates me but not enough to actually start over with a new dr.  It seems like a lot of work to start over.  idk.  I don't hate my dr. I think she's very smart and knows what she's doing for sure. She just doesn't...baby me.  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.......

She found the heartbeat right away. :)  She said the baby is growing so it's a stronger beat. She said it was perfect. It was beating at 147 and it sounded heavenly. I wish there was a way to lay there for several minutes but it seems at these appointments they find it and listen for about 20 seconds and then it's over. Just like that.  Hardly time to cry.

So I found myself an app. (well actually Laura found it)  It's a stethoscope app that you can use with headphones. I used it with my speakers at home. It basically acts just like a stethoscope and you press the microphone into your skin and you can hear your babys heartbeat. I've tried it a few times but haven't heard it yet.  The lady in the video was at 24 weeks though.  I'm only 15, so...there's that.  But I'm gonna keep trying!

4 more weeks and we find out boy or girl.  So we've picked some names just in case it goes either way.  Kelly, Tomi, Joe, Leigh, Drew...well, I will leave it at that. Until then I'm going to try to start writing in my baby journal.  Another hurdle I have yet to conquer.  Soon though....

So that's the report for today. I'm thankful for a good appointment this morning. I wasn't feeling well last night.  I got home from work and was so frustrated because I had to lay down.  I felt like I was being hollowed out down there.  It was achy and made my stomach upset.  I was better this morning and then this afternoon it felt bruised again. I know it's the round ligament stuff, and it's ok, but it does get tiring.

Speaking of that, I'm off to bed.  Kind of a boring post, but wanted to let everyone know things are going better than great. :)

Blessed.

2nd tri - what?

Wow. Here we are, second trimester. I can't even believe it.  I will say though, whoever said it goes by quick was a LIAR! haha.  I don't feel like it's going by quick, but that's probably because I'm still super in tune with every tiny, little thing that is going on in my body right now.  Drew said he's going to make me do relaxation things at night because he thinks I get too stressed at times. He said he thinks thats why the first born is always a type A personality.  Cuz the moms are always uptight and nervous.  I guess it sort of made sense.  But I don't feel stressed, I just feel..pregnant I guess.

A pic - because a friend said I should take them even if I don't share. Here's me!

14 weeks and counting....

I feel like I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't mean to complain because obviously I have prayed so long for this.  I've just realized I have a hard time with change. Even if it's good. It just takes time to adjust and this is a HUGE change in my life (obviously).  Lots of emotions/hormones etc. still flowing strong and as a good friend pointed out to me today, I'm gonna have to start believing this is real at some point and start planning and thinking of the future. It is hard. I have to admit. I have a new respect for all women who have had to trust God for their pregnancy and then trust him for the birth. And then trust Him for that first night when the baby is home. And then trust Him for when they start eating hotdogs and cheese and when they go to Kindergarten. And then trust when they are away for more than 2 minutes.   Oh man..yeah, this is my new normal.  My new understanding of trust. I think I'm learning trusting God comes in many levels.  Like faith, once you step out and move on faith and feel awesome, tomorrow there will be another circumstance to question Him again.  I hate being an Israelite.  But I find myself walking that hot path with the sand beneath my feet complaining about food and water and clothes that don't fit and round ligament pain.  God is so faithful. He has ALWAYS proven Himself faithful to me. He will do the same for my kids.

So I've been getting a bit more energy back these last few days and I'm hoping this is a sign of things to come!  I've been working a ton the past few weeks, and that will continue for the next few weeks.  We have a project at work that's taking some time.  It's a good thing, but it's tiring. I've been trying to take it easy and only work when I can.  But yesterday I took a break and got to work on a book I'm putting together. I have a few projects in the works.  I hope I can complete them.  I think I should now that I have a bit more energy. Yesterday's book was a book of our IVF journey. Mostly just a place for me to keep notes and papers from the process and all of the prayers and journal entries that went along with it.  I'm also putting together a book of messages if you will.  I've been going through my journals over the past 12ish years and writing down anything that anyone said to us about having children.  Dreams, prayers, words, etc. It's not a book to share with others necessarily, (although anyone can see it) but it's a book for my kids to read and know how much God loves them.  I want them to know that God spoke to tons of people about them years before they were born. I know God has a huge purpose for my kids. I just want them to know it as well. It's one thing to have your parent tell you you're special.  It's another to read about your story before you were born.

I thought I would share one story from that book with you.

In 2009 when drew and I moved to Rochester, we moved into a one bedroom condo. It was very small and very cheap but exactly what we prayed for.  We wanted to be squished together as we had just survived the roughest time of our marriage. We also wanted to save money and pay off some bills etc. So we moved in and it was wonderful.  One day we noticed a leak in our pantry. I called our landlord and she sent over a guy to fix it.  I was home alone that day and not feeling so good. I was struggling with why God was having us wait so long to start a family.  I was frustrated and felt alone and forgotten.  Before the fix-it guy showed up I told my neighbor that lived below me if she heard anything strange or if I pounded on the floor to come up right away since I was alone and this strange man would be there for hours.  She was totally on board.  A few hours later there was a knock at my door. I opened it and there stood a man dressed in painters clothes and a smile. He was a middle-aged man who seemed very nice. I let him in and he began fixing and painting.  He asked me what I did for a living and I told him about our ministry.  He thought we were a band even though I said drama ( a common occurrence) and I didn't correct him.  After a few minutes he asked me if I had a guitar. He said he used to be in a band and had written a few songs that they never performed but he said he would love to share them with me.  I was like "uh...ok Mr. Painter guy, you can play a song for me".  Ok, I was more like, "Oh, sure!". As he tuned my old guitar I quickly realized this guy was an extremely good musician.  He told me he used to play out in California with the Mamas and the Papas when they were big. He didn't think I knew who that was, but I couldn't believe this guy was PAINTING MY PANTRY!  So after tuning the guitar he started to play........



(if you don't see this player, it will show up soon)

I cried as he played.

I couldn't believe that God would send someone (an angel I thought) to me on the day that I felt alone and hopeless to remind me that Abraham and Sarah, Elizabeth and John and others waited.  And then God brought a promised one. It reminded me that He is faithful. He does see me. His Promises do come true. There IS a plan and God says, "Just hold on a bit longer".  After sitting in awe of what was happening my neighbor ran up because she heard music and was confused.  She also sat with me as he played it again and I recorded it. Then he asked to play another...




A song from my unborn child. wow. I was speechless.

After this song he got up and said, "Well I should get back to painting."  I just sat there dumbfounded with what just happened.  Have you ever been in a moment where you feel like Heaven just opened up for a moment and you felt the presence of the One that loves so deeply.  I know these aren't the greatest songs, but to me, they were written years ago by this man who was 1/2 stoned playing music on big stages yet still allowed God to come and use him to write these words for a girl who in the middle of her story felt alone and forgotten. God works like that. He knows our stories from beginning to end and so He takes the time to set us up for Love Moments. Just brief blinks that show us that He is here, and He is working it all out in the perfect time.

My favorite scripture is Jeremiah 1:5 - "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you..." I love to think about the place where I was before I was in the womb. The place where it was just me and God. He knew me, I knew Him. And then I came here.  When this painter man was singing I kept thinking this was a song to me from my baby who was with God right now. And not only was I wishing he/she was with me, but he/she is wishing the same. Dreaming of a time that would come. A beautiful song.

Sometimes I stand in awe of God's amazing story in our lives. The way He continues to bring amazing things to my life. Dreams and Promises coming true. Kingdom time arriving.

One of many stories to come.