Praise through the Pain

It's September.  I guess I didn't do what I thought I would in the last post and post something every day of July.  It was a good idea though.  Oh well.  I miss my mom so much lately.  She gave me a card the year before she died.  I read it almost every day.  It says, "Some people are strong and able to handle tough situations.  You are one of them" and then it tells me to draw from the deep wells of life and that is where my Hope lies.  Each year I feel like I have to dig deeper and deeper.  On the inside of the card she wrote, "I will always be here for you and I love you more than any word I know".  I think it strange (and not so strange) that God had her pick out that specific card and write those words knowing that my life might not be the easiest of roads. I can't imagine she would've had any idea what an impact that card and those words have had on me.  She said it, and so I believe it.  But that doesn't make it easy.  It just helps me get up the next day.

It's been a rough few weeks.  We've been trying to finish our process with going through our home study for foster care.  I've been so stressed about this home study and all that is involved with it.  I've been stressing over questions that I fear the social worker might ask me like "what do you plan on doing with your job after you get a placement?" and "how will you deal with the children once they leave and are re-placed with their birthparents?" and so many other questions that I don't have answers to.  We were also told that our water was too hot.  And our apartment complex wasn't going to let us foster but then decided we could if we sign a paper saying that if they receive ANY noise complaints we will be given a 30 day eviction notice.  (do other parents have to sign one of these? NO!)  Then our Social Worker didn't show up for the meeting that we've been planning and stressing over for the past month.  Nope, she didn't even call.  So I was pretty worried and hoped she was ok.  Then I was angry that she didn't show up.  Then I just cried a lot in frustration that this process is taking so long and is so frustrating.  TRYING TO START A FAMILY SHOULD NOT BE THIS HARD!!!!!  And it isn't for most. But for others, its an uphill battle.  Thats just the way it is.  Sometimes I think I'm not cut out for it.  I'm tired.  I shouldn't have to struggle for something that happens so natural (and sometimes on accident) for others.   It's just not fair.  Somehow I have to get over that.

I didn't want to go to church today.  I didn't want to have to explain why I've been struggling or having a bad week-again.  I didn't want to pretend to be happy.  And I'm tired of feeling frustrated!  I'm tired of waiting and hearing of promises that have been fulfilled for others but knowing that mine still haven't.  I'm tired of fighting to remember that God IS faithful and He WILL answer our prayers and that He HASN'T forgotten us.   It's all a little tiring.  So our social worker re-scheduled for this past Saturday and we stayed home so we could have the meeting to only find out at the meeting that she would have to schedule ANOTHER meeting because she had a dentist appointment that day.  sigh.  What can we do?  I have to remember, God is in control.  He knows what our future family looks like. He is making ALL thing come together for our good and for His Glory.  I'm excited about that.  But this morning at church I just wanted to go away.  I kept hearing 'Praise Him through your Pain.'.  And that is such a weird thing to do.  It's the strangest feeling to KNOW and BELIEVE that God is real, that He IS faithful, that He hasn't forgotten us, that He is good, merciful, kind, full of grace etc., yet not FEEL any of those things.  I told Drew it felt like I was in the fire knowing that flames are all around me and telling myself "It's cold...it's cold...it's cold" so that I could convince my soul and body what my spirit knows to be true.  After I said that I looked down and saw this:

My heart really is sitting so close to that flame, yet not being burned.

When I got home tonight from small group I read a few scriptures that friends had sent me. One was Isaiah 43:2

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

It's cold...it's cold...it's cold....I know I can see the flames and it feels hot but I wont be burned.  Trusting Him.  Praising Him because I KNOW it's right.  Because I KNOW He tells the truth.  A good friend reminded me tonight that all things have to be refined and made perfect and a new thing is being made in God's time to raise our kids in a specific way.  God is so good.  And so I close my eyes, raise my hands and praise Him through my pain.  

Thank you to everyone who loves us and is encouraging us through this season in our lives.  If there is one thing that I know it is that we are deeply loved.  And knowing that gives us so much strength.