and counting....

Well, here we are, at the brink of 40.  Yes, I'm about to turn my last year of the 30's.  I can't believe it's here already.  I'm not depressed about turning 39, last year I was--until Drew told me I was actually turning 38.  Then I was happy happy happy!  I don't feel depressed this year though and that's good.  I guess I just feel contemplative.  What have I done in my 30's?  Was all that running around the country trying to love people worth it?  And to that I say, "yes, it was".  Even though the past 10 years have been hard, I'm glad to be on this side of some things.  30's was NOT what I expected.

I watch the lady I nanny for and she moves on with life as if it's a storybook.  Her kids are cute.  Her job is great.  They make great money and are moving to a HUGE house (yes, I would say mansion) this weekend...on my birthday.  They deserve it, they've worked hard for what they have.  But at times its hard not to look deeper and explore the concrete truth that she is the same age as me.  And the comparing begins...apartment vs. huge house, temp job vs. high salary executive, zero kids vs. 3 beautiful kids....and the list goes on.  I don't want her life.  I like my life.   Sometimes I just feel "at my age" things should look different.  There should be a house, a permanent job, or even just a DOG, but nope.  We are stuck with our 2 fish and rabbit who has an eye infection.  This is the life we lead.  But I do realize this is the life many of us lead.  It's ok.  I'm happy.  :)

This summer also is the 20th year my parents have been dead.  On July 27 it will be 20 years.  It's very strange to even think about it.  20 years.  It reminds me of when I hear someone say, "Oh, that was like 20 years ago" and I think, "Holy crap! That's a long time!", and it is.  SO much my parents have missed out on.  Well, at least they weren't physically here to help and celebrate.  20 years.  I'm a different person.  I still wish I could squeeze them.  Or better yet, I wish they could squeeze me.  Maybe I will celebrate their life by posting something everyday of July until the 27th about them.  That might bring good memories and life into this "20 year" date lingering over my head.  sigh.....

Here I come 39.  Here I come.