another thursday

I keep telling myself to write more.  But sometimes I feel like writing during depression is so sad.  Well, I guess it is.  But I'm trying to force myself to at least get some things out.  I feel like no one really wants to read about my pity party.  But then I remember there are only a few of you who read this and you love me enough to let me hurt.  For that I love you.

I feel awful and I don't know why.  I HATE reading blogs like this so I usually will just not write anything (except for in my journal) that is sad, disappointing or hopeless.  But you know what? That's not real life.  Real life is CONSUMED with sad, disappointing and hopelessness.  There is a woman that I work with who isn't very happy in her life right now.  But she is a Christian and she feels like she has to be "happy" all the time and pretend that life is good so that others will see Christ in her and want that. So I watch her every day work at putting a smile on her face and seem happy.  I know sometimes we have to do that.  I guess I'm not there.  I want others to know Jesus, but not at the expense of being real.  Real feelings sometimes aren't happy.  Real feelings sometimes have to be yelled out at the top of your lungs so God can hear them.  Real feelings create energy for creativity to flow.  Real feelings suck.

I left Drew today to go run errands with a girlfriend.  He was filling out 25 pages of paperwork for the OCS so that we might one day become licensed to do foster adoption.  He is answering questions like, "What are your last 5 addresses" and "In 2 sentences explain your relationship with your parents" and "How do you handle your money"  and " What are your forms of disciplining children" and "What schools would your children be attending" and "What race, age, how many children and what handicaps are you willing to accept" and on and on it goes.....  Not to mention our having to give them copies of every bank statement we have and every important document we've ever needed.  All of this just for fostering, not even for adopting.  It's tiring.  And I don't feel excited about any of it.  I know it's the wisest choice, but again, I don't feel excited about any of it.  I sometimes wonder if I even really want kids.  Maybe it's just too much work.  Maybe I'm just too lazy.  Maybe I wont make a good mother.  Maybe...maybe...maybe.....

I left Drew to fill his portion of that out and I went to hang with a best friend that is pregnant.  It's hard.  I love her.  I love her baby.  But that doesn't take away the fact that it is hard for me to be with her.  And I'm mad that it's hard.  I'm mad that I can't throw her a baby shower because I can't handle it.  I'm mad that I can't hardly talk about it.  I'm mad that I can't be the kind of friend that I want to be and that I am.  I'm mad that I have to feel this way and go through all that I have to go through.  I'm mad that I feel so alone in this.  I'm mad that there are others that have to do the same.  I'm mad that some parents have children that have disabilities that will live with them forever. I'm mad about all of that.            And yet, they have children.  And I have a husband.  And my single friends have jobs and parents.  It's meaningless to look around and compare.  I know this and that's why I try not to do it.  But it's hard when it's the subject at hand--over and over and over again.  I can only hide in my room for so long.  I just feel run down.

I think it would help if I knew what I wanted to do with my life.  I feel I've lost passion for the things I love.  Clearly I have some sort of passion for injustice, but for leisure things I just have no energy.  I'm trying to get out of this house and take walks and breathe.  Some days that happens.  Some not.  My amazing sister just told me, "Just take the next step".  I do like that advice.  But I'm not sure what the next step is.  And frankly, I'm not quite done with my pity party tantrum.

sorrow

I feel like crying tonight.  It is strange.  I was in our first choir rehearsal at church tonight and all of a sudden I had an overwhelming urge to cry.  I AM depressed, I do know this.  But I can't figure out how to push through and be content.

"Why so downcast o my soul? Put your hope in God"

I don't feel like talking to anyone.  I don't feel like my life has TRUE meaning.  Isn't that weird?  I even find that a strange sentence, but it's how I feel right now.  Being busy hasn't given me meaning.  Nor has sitting still.  I keep praying for God to speak to me but He has chosen silence.  Well--except for the hundreds of random hearts I see all day long that he showers me with.  I know, I know, its special.  It is special.  I know I'm loved.  I know I'm not forgotten.  I know all of this.  I'm just tired.  I'm tired of trying.  I'm tired of knocking only to find one more door closed.  I told my friend the other day I don't think I'm a fighter.  I just don't have it in me anymore.  I told her maybe I just don't want to be a mom bad enough.  Or maybe I wouldn't make a good mom.  Maybe we never were meant to be parents.  I'm feeling pretty inadequate.

And I wonder why it has to be in my thoughts all the time.  I hate it. Yet I can't get rid of it.  And every time I do have sanity for a moment I get an email from a teen who needs advice on how to tell her parents that she is pregnant.  Or I find out that yet another one of my close friends is having ANOTHER baby.  Did I mention I'm tired?

We are trying to push through and go with our only option, foster care/adoption.  It's not our first choice.  But then I hate any process that makes you 'choose' a child.  I hate the paperwork and the personal questions.  I hate having to figure out and explain where my hypothetical teen will go to school 13 years before I even have one. I hate having to prove that I'm a good person and get letters from friends, family, co-workers, pastors, and my dog to agree with me.  I wonder why getting pregnant it's so hard for some, yet a once mistake for a teen?

Madness. sorrow.

I hate talking to moms sometimes.  Many of my friends are moms.  Most of them are understanding and don't treat me like I'm an ignorant 20 year old, but every once in awhile someone will give me that "well-that's what's it's like to be a mom and you don't know that because you aren't one" face.   Basically I want to punch them. In the name of Jesus of course.

I just want direction.  I hate feeling lost without a goal.  After Hawaii I felt maybe we should try to adopt again and just get more agressive about it.  But, so much money.  So expensive.  Friends of ours told me they had decided to adopt last June.  They found the money.  They just got picked and will have a baby in their home by May.  I wont.  Maybe because I'm not aggressive.  Or maybe its just not my turn.

We've prayed.
We've done accupuncture.
We've seen holistic Dr's.
We've looked into adoption.
We've tried  fertility treatments.
We've prayed more.
Now, we are on to foster care.

I feel sorrow.  and I dont know why.  Maybe I feel sorrow for the unfairness in the world.  That there are people who have had an extremely hard life and yet life doesn't let down and their misfortune continues into adulthood.  It's not fair that the world is a broken place where some waste food several times a day and others don't have any.  It's not fair that some people, maybe even your neighbor, have never heard 'I love you' or felt love from another person.  It's not fair that even though you try and try and try sometimes you still dont end up winning.  Life sometimes just isn't fair.  Unfairness will come.  It does come.  So when it does, how are we going to react to it?

I know I have to move past this unfairness.  I'm actually surprised to see that I haven't.  I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round that never stops.  I feel great and then not.  I feel content and then not.  I feel like we can do it and then not. It reminds me of when my parents past away.  I would wake up in the morning and remember, 'oh yeah, they are dead'.  Then I would cry and get up and start my day.  Sorrow didn't last forever then, and it wont last forever now.

I'm trying.  I'm getting up everyday and trying. I guess for now that's the best I can do.

God is not a liar.

No, He's not.  Waiting....waiting...waiting....