Praise through the Pain

It's September.  I guess I didn't do what I thought I would in the last post and post something every day of July.  It was a good idea though.  Oh well.  I miss my mom so much lately.  She gave me a card the year before she died.  I read it almost every day.  It says, "Some people are strong and able to handle tough situations.  You are one of them" and then it tells me to draw from the deep wells of life and that is where my Hope lies.  Each year I feel like I have to dig deeper and deeper.  On the inside of the card she wrote, "I will always be here for you and I love you more than any word I know".  I think it strange (and not so strange) that God had her pick out that specific card and write those words knowing that my life might not be the easiest of roads. I can't imagine she would've had any idea what an impact that card and those words have had on me.  She said it, and so I believe it.  But that doesn't make it easy.  It just helps me get up the next day.

It's been a rough few weeks.  We've been trying to finish our process with going through our home study for foster care.  I've been so stressed about this home study and all that is involved with it.  I've been stressing over questions that I fear the social worker might ask me like "what do you plan on doing with your job after you get a placement?" and "how will you deal with the children once they leave and are re-placed with their birthparents?" and so many other questions that I don't have answers to.  We were also told that our water was too hot.  And our apartment complex wasn't going to let us foster but then decided we could if we sign a paper saying that if they receive ANY noise complaints we will be given a 30 day eviction notice.  (do other parents have to sign one of these? NO!)  Then our Social Worker didn't show up for the meeting that we've been planning and stressing over for the past month.  Nope, she didn't even call.  So I was pretty worried and hoped she was ok.  Then I was angry that she didn't show up.  Then I just cried a lot in frustration that this process is taking so long and is so frustrating.  TRYING TO START A FAMILY SHOULD NOT BE THIS HARD!!!!!  And it isn't for most. But for others, its an uphill battle.  Thats just the way it is.  Sometimes I think I'm not cut out for it.  I'm tired.  I shouldn't have to struggle for something that happens so natural (and sometimes on accident) for others.   It's just not fair.  Somehow I have to get over that.

I didn't want to go to church today.  I didn't want to have to explain why I've been struggling or having a bad week-again.  I didn't want to pretend to be happy.  And I'm tired of feeling frustrated!  I'm tired of waiting and hearing of promises that have been fulfilled for others but knowing that mine still haven't.  I'm tired of fighting to remember that God IS faithful and He WILL answer our prayers and that He HASN'T forgotten us.   It's all a little tiring.  So our social worker re-scheduled for this past Saturday and we stayed home so we could have the meeting to only find out at the meeting that she would have to schedule ANOTHER meeting because she had a dentist appointment that day.  sigh.  What can we do?  I have to remember, God is in control.  He knows what our future family looks like. He is making ALL thing come together for our good and for His Glory.  I'm excited about that.  But this morning at church I just wanted to go away.  I kept hearing 'Praise Him through your Pain.'.  And that is such a weird thing to do.  It's the strangest feeling to KNOW and BELIEVE that God is real, that He IS faithful, that He hasn't forgotten us, that He is good, merciful, kind, full of grace etc., yet not FEEL any of those things.  I told Drew it felt like I was in the fire knowing that flames are all around me and telling myself "It's cold...it's cold...it's cold" so that I could convince my soul and body what my spirit knows to be true.  After I said that I looked down and saw this:

My heart really is sitting so close to that flame, yet not being burned.

When I got home tonight from small group I read a few scriptures that friends had sent me. One was Isaiah 43:2

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

It's cold...it's cold...it's cold....I know I can see the flames and it feels hot but I wont be burned.  Trusting Him.  Praising Him because I KNOW it's right.  Because I KNOW He tells the truth.  A good friend reminded me tonight that all things have to be refined and made perfect and a new thing is being made in God's time to raise our kids in a specific way.  God is so good.  And so I close my eyes, raise my hands and praise Him through my pain.  

Thank you to everyone who loves us and is encouraging us through this season in our lives.  If there is one thing that I know it is that we are deeply loved.  And knowing that gives us so much strength.  

and counting....

Well, here we are, at the brink of 40.  Yes, I'm about to turn my last year of the 30's.  I can't believe it's here already.  I'm not depressed about turning 39, last year I was--until Drew told me I was actually turning 38.  Then I was happy happy happy!  I don't feel depressed this year though and that's good.  I guess I just feel contemplative.  What have I done in my 30's?  Was all that running around the country trying to love people worth it?  And to that I say, "yes, it was".  Even though the past 10 years have been hard, I'm glad to be on this side of some things.  30's was NOT what I expected.

I watch the lady I nanny for and she moves on with life as if it's a storybook.  Her kids are cute.  Her job is great.  They make great money and are moving to a HUGE house (yes, I would say mansion) this weekend...on my birthday.  They deserve it, they've worked hard for what they have.  But at times its hard not to look deeper and explore the concrete truth that she is the same age as me.  And the comparing begins...apartment vs. huge house, temp job vs. high salary executive, zero kids vs. 3 beautiful kids....and the list goes on.  I don't want her life.  I like my life.   Sometimes I just feel "at my age" things should look different.  There should be a house, a permanent job, or even just a DOG, but nope.  We are stuck with our 2 fish and rabbit who has an eye infection.  This is the life we lead.  But I do realize this is the life many of us lead.  It's ok.  I'm happy.  :)

This summer also is the 20th year my parents have been dead.  On July 27 it will be 20 years.  It's very strange to even think about it.  20 years.  It reminds me of when I hear someone say, "Oh, that was like 20 years ago" and I think, "Holy crap! That's a long time!", and it is.  SO much my parents have missed out on.  Well, at least they weren't physically here to help and celebrate.  20 years.  I'm a different person.  I still wish I could squeeze them.  Or better yet, I wish they could squeeze me.  Maybe I will celebrate their life by posting something everyday of July until the 27th about them.  That might bring good memories and life into this "20 year" date lingering over my head.  sigh.....

Here I come 39.  Here I come.

another thursday

I keep telling myself to write more.  But sometimes I feel like writing during depression is so sad.  Well, I guess it is.  But I'm trying to force myself to at least get some things out.  I feel like no one really wants to read about my pity party.  But then I remember there are only a few of you who read this and you love me enough to let me hurt.  For that I love you.

I feel awful and I don't know why.  I HATE reading blogs like this so I usually will just not write anything (except for in my journal) that is sad, disappointing or hopeless.  But you know what? That's not real life.  Real life is CONSUMED with sad, disappointing and hopelessness.  There is a woman that I work with who isn't very happy in her life right now.  But she is a Christian and she feels like she has to be "happy" all the time and pretend that life is good so that others will see Christ in her and want that. So I watch her every day work at putting a smile on her face and seem happy.  I know sometimes we have to do that.  I guess I'm not there.  I want others to know Jesus, but not at the expense of being real.  Real feelings sometimes aren't happy.  Real feelings sometimes have to be yelled out at the top of your lungs so God can hear them.  Real feelings create energy for creativity to flow.  Real feelings suck.

I left Drew today to go run errands with a girlfriend.  He was filling out 25 pages of paperwork for the OCS so that we might one day become licensed to do foster adoption.  He is answering questions like, "What are your last 5 addresses" and "In 2 sentences explain your relationship with your parents" and "How do you handle your money"  and " What are your forms of disciplining children" and "What schools would your children be attending" and "What race, age, how many children and what handicaps are you willing to accept" and on and on it goes.....  Not to mention our having to give them copies of every bank statement we have and every important document we've ever needed.  All of this just for fostering, not even for adopting.  It's tiring.  And I don't feel excited about any of it.  I know it's the wisest choice, but again, I don't feel excited about any of it.  I sometimes wonder if I even really want kids.  Maybe it's just too much work.  Maybe I'm just too lazy.  Maybe I wont make a good mother.  Maybe...maybe...maybe.....

I left Drew to fill his portion of that out and I went to hang with a best friend that is pregnant.  It's hard.  I love her.  I love her baby.  But that doesn't take away the fact that it is hard for me to be with her.  And I'm mad that it's hard.  I'm mad that I can't throw her a baby shower because I can't handle it.  I'm mad that I can't hardly talk about it.  I'm mad that I can't be the kind of friend that I want to be and that I am.  I'm mad that I have to feel this way and go through all that I have to go through.  I'm mad that I feel so alone in this.  I'm mad that there are others that have to do the same.  I'm mad that some parents have children that have disabilities that will live with them forever. I'm mad about all of that.            And yet, they have children.  And I have a husband.  And my single friends have jobs and parents.  It's meaningless to look around and compare.  I know this and that's why I try not to do it.  But it's hard when it's the subject at hand--over and over and over again.  I can only hide in my room for so long.  I just feel run down.

I think it would help if I knew what I wanted to do with my life.  I feel I've lost passion for the things I love.  Clearly I have some sort of passion for injustice, but for leisure things I just have no energy.  I'm trying to get out of this house and take walks and breathe.  Some days that happens.  Some not.  My amazing sister just told me, "Just take the next step".  I do like that advice.  But I'm not sure what the next step is.  And frankly, I'm not quite done with my pity party tantrum.

sorrow

I feel like crying tonight.  It is strange.  I was in our first choir rehearsal at church tonight and all of a sudden I had an overwhelming urge to cry.  I AM depressed, I do know this.  But I can't figure out how to push through and be content.

"Why so downcast o my soul? Put your hope in God"

I don't feel like talking to anyone.  I don't feel like my life has TRUE meaning.  Isn't that weird?  I even find that a strange sentence, but it's how I feel right now.  Being busy hasn't given me meaning.  Nor has sitting still.  I keep praying for God to speak to me but He has chosen silence.  Well--except for the hundreds of random hearts I see all day long that he showers me with.  I know, I know, its special.  It is special.  I know I'm loved.  I know I'm not forgotten.  I know all of this.  I'm just tired.  I'm tired of trying.  I'm tired of knocking only to find one more door closed.  I told my friend the other day I don't think I'm a fighter.  I just don't have it in me anymore.  I told her maybe I just don't want to be a mom bad enough.  Or maybe I wouldn't make a good mom.  Maybe we never were meant to be parents.  I'm feeling pretty inadequate.

And I wonder why it has to be in my thoughts all the time.  I hate it. Yet I can't get rid of it.  And every time I do have sanity for a moment I get an email from a teen who needs advice on how to tell her parents that she is pregnant.  Or I find out that yet another one of my close friends is having ANOTHER baby.  Did I mention I'm tired?

We are trying to push through and go with our only option, foster care/adoption.  It's not our first choice.  But then I hate any process that makes you 'choose' a child.  I hate the paperwork and the personal questions.  I hate having to figure out and explain where my hypothetical teen will go to school 13 years before I even have one. I hate having to prove that I'm a good person and get letters from friends, family, co-workers, pastors, and my dog to agree with me.  I wonder why getting pregnant it's so hard for some, yet a once mistake for a teen?

Madness. sorrow.

I hate talking to moms sometimes.  Many of my friends are moms.  Most of them are understanding and don't treat me like I'm an ignorant 20 year old, but every once in awhile someone will give me that "well-that's what's it's like to be a mom and you don't know that because you aren't one" face.   Basically I want to punch them. In the name of Jesus of course.

I just want direction.  I hate feeling lost without a goal.  After Hawaii I felt maybe we should try to adopt again and just get more agressive about it.  But, so much money.  So expensive.  Friends of ours told me they had decided to adopt last June.  They found the money.  They just got picked and will have a baby in their home by May.  I wont.  Maybe because I'm not aggressive.  Or maybe its just not my turn.

We've prayed.
We've done accupuncture.
We've seen holistic Dr's.
We've looked into adoption.
We've tried  fertility treatments.
We've prayed more.
Now, we are on to foster care.

I feel sorrow.  and I dont know why.  Maybe I feel sorrow for the unfairness in the world.  That there are people who have had an extremely hard life and yet life doesn't let down and their misfortune continues into adulthood.  It's not fair that the world is a broken place where some waste food several times a day and others don't have any.  It's not fair that some people, maybe even your neighbor, have never heard 'I love you' or felt love from another person.  It's not fair that even though you try and try and try sometimes you still dont end up winning.  Life sometimes just isn't fair.  Unfairness will come.  It does come.  So when it does, how are we going to react to it?

I know I have to move past this unfairness.  I'm actually surprised to see that I haven't.  I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round that never stops.  I feel great and then not.  I feel content and then not.  I feel like we can do it and then not. It reminds me of when my parents past away.  I would wake up in the morning and remember, 'oh yeah, they are dead'.  Then I would cry and get up and start my day.  Sorrow didn't last forever then, and it wont last forever now.

I'm trying.  I'm getting up everyday and trying. I guess for now that's the best I can do.

God is not a liar.

No, He's not.  Waiting....waiting...waiting....