I can see the blooms

Drew and I have been trying to make some pretty hard decisions lately about our life. One of them being our jobs. Onetimeblind decided last fall that we were going to slow our travel down to only traveling once a month. This decision was made so that we could feel 'normal' and have more stable lives for ourselves and for the Mac's kids. It was a great idea and as we all found home churches and started getting involved in the community things seemed to sort of fall in place. Life seemed to be ok. We knew the jobs were temporary-ish and were just to pay our bills. I got a nanny job that would work with my schedule and was very flexible. Drew works as a server at a local organic restaurant. He loves his job, he just doesn't make that much money. I liked my job, except I started to go a little crazy taking care of someone elses kids and not my own. So I lowered my hours and am now looking for yet another part time job. I was encouraged to do some self looking and figure out what makes me tick and go that way. So I've been trying.


Last night I was sitting in my living room worshipping to some music when I looked up and saw the reflection in my tv. The sun was going down and so it was turning dark in the room, but outside it was still light. The reflection showed me sitting in darkness but able to see the blooms of my flowers out on our balcony. They were crystal clear to my eyes.

It's weird to always feel like you are sitting in darkness looking at a reflection of growth, beauty and promise. I wondered if the Israelites felt trapped as they marched for so many years. Still in the presence of God, yet not feeling satisfied. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT? Isn't it God that DOES satisfy?


God does satisfy me. But I'm still living in this world and although I would like to stay in His realm at all times, I still have to encounter DTE and figure out how to live. He does bring us peace to make decisions and he opens doors as well. But sometimes I get very tired of relying on Him constantly. I know that sounds bad, but when it's the middle of the month and you once again have no idea how you're going to pay rent and you're running out of rice and you've lost your focus and can't see that open door so well, kingdom seems far away.


I have to take breaks from reading magazines, websites, facebook etc. They are filled with people living life while I sit feeling like I'm waiting for life to continue. People talking about their kids starting school or saying their first word, others talking about their youth ministries and success in life...I'm just not there. I seem to not really fit in anywhere right now. Caught between ministries, waiting for my next step but not having any clue as to what that might be. I DO have love, compassion, vision, passion, ideas and something to give. Much of that stuff actually. I just don't know where to give it yet. It's not very fun to be 38 and feel like you're just graduating college. Or at least status wise. Drew text me today and said "Lets run away to northern Idaho and just watch elk and mule deer and drink water from mountain streams.". My depression is rubbing off on him a bit I think. But that's the thing, I don't think you can just stop being depressed. Sometimes life doesn't go the way you want it to, or maybe it does but your stuck in the mud and as hard as you try to get out you just feel like you're spinning your tires. (which by the way we need 4 new ones I found out-and rims)


You can't stay stuck forever. I refuse to do so. I just know I'm ready for the "and suddenly" that the bible talks about. You know, when something seems impossible then the scripture says, "and suddenly" and then God moves in mighty ways. He is SO good. He is SO perfect. When He moves IT IS AMAZING! He can do things others cant even imagine to do. He IS. And He will FOREVER BE. yes. yes. yes. He is mighty to save. Not just for our salvation, but in our daily lives. In our deepest desires and prayers. All seems hopeless in that dark living -room, but those blooms are real. I just have to keep turning around, getting up and waiting for Him to open the door.

And He will... one day. 

sea sick

I think I'm getting sea sick. Some people describe their life as mountains and valley's, but I feel lately my life is more like this ride I saw at an amusement park a few weeks ago. We were in Minneapolis MN for a onetimeblind trip. One of the evening activities was going to an amusement park. As we were walking towards the big coaster we stopped to talk to a few people from the conference. We didn't notice right away, but there were other people stopped as well. The reason was because everyone was watching the ride in front of us. We were standing in front of the RIPTIDE. It's a ride that is shaped like a u and would spin around. So the giant U would go up and down in a circle, but at the same time your chair would move as well. But as if that wasn't enough spinning, spraying up from the bottom of the ride was water. This water reminded me of the Las Vegas dancing fountains that are so pretty as they danced to the music. This "fountain" however was dancing more on the screams of children as it sprayed up into their faces as they swung by. And every once in awhile the ride would stop as the water sprayed up forcefully letting the lucky rider really get soaked. It sort of looked refreshing, but it made me feel a bit sick as well. Up, down, up, down, spin, spray, spin, screaming, up, down, spinning...yeah, right now, I feel a bit like that.

Yesterday church was amazing. God's presence was POWERFUL and I felt so much peace, joy and freedom. I danced so much my legs are stiff today. Seriously. That didn't happen even in the 90's at the Wayside (long story). It was an amazing day filled with God's Presence, birthdays and balloons, and wonderful fellowship. But today, was a bit nerve racking. Hopeful, yet sad. Exciting twisted with confusion. Unfair and unjust. It kinda felt like the world was not balanced properly. And I guess it's not.

Sometimes life gives me too many choices and I'm not sure which one to choose. I'm not sure there is a wrong door, but I still have to choose one. This stupid compassionate heart. sigh.

Lots of questions. Lots of feelings. More than I can explain right now in this moment. Maybe tomorrow the clouds will clear and something will remain. I just don't think it was supposed to be this hard. But what can I do? Just sit still and let the water force it's way up my nose. And keep remembering it's not forever. I'll be on the ground again soon.