not today

I fell.

Yesterday I wrote that I was walking a thin line and holding my breath. I pictured myself on a thin string strung across Niagra Falls. I was walking, slowly, wearing clown clothes and holding onto a balancing stick. I was afraid to hope. I didn't want to think about falling, (I would just look like a clown flailing her arms trying to fly) but I also couldn't concentrate enough about getting to the other side. I was frozen in wait. I prayed for God not to tease me, and then I fell.

Falling hurts. No matter how many times you fall or who is there to catch you, walking the thin line is dangerous. Drew told me today he is done Hoping. But the crappy part about Hope is that it is attached itself to us like our heart and we can't help but live without it. Even when we try to convince ourselves that we will never Hope again...somewhere deep inside we sit by a lake and hold this delicate dream in our hands, starring at it, loving it, wishing for it, keeping it alive with our prayers. All the while Hope surrounds it and it breaths in...and out...in...and out...

I'm 36 now and I read the other day that at 36 the chances of having a healthy child starts to decrease. I hate statistics. Honestly they only put God in a box and fear in my being. Things I know God sees past. Statistics mean nothing to Him. He laughs. I cry--in Hope.

I appreciate that God wants to bless me with Spiritual hello's from Him. I love that He surprises me with starbucks and butterflies, but if there is one thing I don't want to be reminded of, it's that I don't have a child. I think He was trying to be sweet on me. I think He was trying to remind me that He is still here and working even in this situation. I appreciate His love towards me, but I didn't need that encouragement. I didn't need to know that ONE DAY...I didn't need to know NOT TODAY...these things I already know. I just needed His love for right now. I can't think of tomorrow because it really does make me yearn for things yet to come. So, today it is. Living in the present. Trying to get past the pain of NOT YET and live in the circus of Hope.

So despite of the dreams that tell me your name and the likeness of your faces, it is not time for us to meet. But don't worry baby boys, there will be a day when you sit and look at me and I get to explain to you why God sent you to my heart. How badly I want to teach you His ways and pray that you would choose Him over yourself. Although I know we will screw things up at times, watching you walk back to your Creator will be the greatest joy we will ever have. We are so excited for that Joy that we can't help but be impatient. So forgive us Lord for not seeing your sweet blessings of today when sometimes our hearts so long for tomorrows blessing. But over all, we do realize that there is nothing more important than your timing, and your kingdom. I never ever want to step outside of that. So finish your work in us Lord so we might turn the page and finally see the view that's just over that mountain.