here we are

1654....this is where we now live. Well, we sort of live here. I mean we have 3 suitcases which are opened and our clothes linger from one end of the piano to the other, the bathroom has our toiletry bags and enough shampoo to last until march, we have found ourselves in a routine. A routine. Does that mean we are "home"?

Every day I wake up and wonder what will be different from yesterday. I am so lost in reality tv and diet coke that I am not sure what day it is. truly. Truly it is. That is what we hear at dinner from my step-father-in-law. Waskally Wabbit is what I hear from my mother-in-law. She constantly refers to me as either the "lady Kathlene" or my daughter-BY-law. She thinks IN law has some sort of bad taste to it. So every time I meet someone new she has to say BY law but then explain why she says BY law and eventually tells them I am not an IN law, which makes for a long conversation that means nothing. Kind of like head lettuce. It is part of a hamburger but it means nothing, it tastes like nothing, and it has no purpose. It is just there taking up space.

I am a piece of lettuce.


I haven't written much lately. I haven't talked much lately. I haven't done much of anything except cry, drink, and eat GF cookies and bread. Lou keeps making "adams potato's" and "adams cake" and "adams squash" so I guess i have been benefiting a bit from adams favorite things. It's not all bad. Actually, not much of it is bad. Except the games that go on in my head forcing me to take hour long showers wondering why I would go and have coffee with people I don't really care about.

I think I am in the hour of think. Our publisher wrote me today and said she wants to name our next book, "Think again". Which honestly, I kind of like. I want to respond, "will it say, 'things that make you go, hmmm again' too?" But maybe God is telling me to think again. Have you ever wondered whether or not Mother Theresa was selfish? Her whole life was based on living for other people. Was there one day that she just felt like SHE wanted something for a change? Is it healthy for a person to live with total sacrifice to others? Can they truly be happy with that? Does serving another human (or several of them) actually fulfill all of your needs? Does anything fulfill all of your needs?

What is love?

What does it look like? Is it visible? We watch tv and movies and we see people showing "love" to one another, but what does that mean? The outward appearance of what we feel love looks like. Our eyes judge the movement of a color and we put a title to it calling it a deep feeling. It is nothing. It is deception. What is actually real?

What is truth?

We believe in something as simple as our parents words. We grow knowing so strongly that these frail humans wouldn't lie to us. Not to us, their own flesh and blood. Yet, "little" lies about santa lead to big lies about infidelity and secrets yet revealed. Everyone has secrets, right? Isn't that what we are told? WHAT IS THAT??? You know, I don't have secrets. Not that I am aware of. There are things I don't fashionably tell the public, but that doesn't make it a secret. I would tell someone, someone i trusted....trusted....that would mean they wouldn't have secrets either. But how do you know if someone really doesn't have any secrets? If they tell you they don't and you believe them, they could be covering up the fact that they do. And if they do, they would tell you they don't. So, what's the point of relationships and communicating? It seems everything should remain as shallow as possible. Then we would all just get our chicken and mashed potatoes and we call it a day.

I have been here for 49 days. D and I once discussed the longest we could possibly stay is 3 days. That was the max before our heads exploded. But, here we are, 49 days later, heads still intact. 1654 is a blessing in SO many ways. It is good for one, it is good for all. But I am tired. Not tired like I need to sleep in until 1pm everyday. No, that is already happening. more like tired of this waiting. Tired of this wandering. How long do you think someone has to wait for happiness? Do you think Christians should find their inner joy in Christ, yet suffer outwardly "for God"? A friend said, "What's wrong with being happy? What's wrong with enjoying the things God gave us here on earth?".....what is wrong with that? I am not sure.

I know we are all called to something different. I am called to D.H.S. I know that. I could easier cut off my arm then explain what he means to me.


It's just that simple isn't it?

How far would you go for someone that you told not only yourself, but hundreds of other witnesses "for rich or poor, in sickness and health, till death.." ugh. What kind of death? Did anyone explain what that meant? Physical? Mental? Spiritual? Death. That's a strong word. A strong commitment. I mean, to stick with someone until physical death... But if one is going through something so hard that it causes them mental ills or spiritual ills, what then? The other should help. Death is death. A promise was sealed with a kiss. Several kisses. in front of hundreds.

No lights. No tree. No presents neatly wrapped. This year we are happy to be warm and have food every day. The past 4 or so years have been a progression to this moment. Like a dark movie, the end is brought nearer with each scene showing less of what makes us live. less of our youth. less fantasy. less purpose. less life. All strung around the hope that tomorrow an old man will hit a rock and water will gush out. A miracle. I hoped for a hanukkah miracle....none. Lots of signs point you to the direction of your destination. But without movement, you will never arrive.

Nothing makes sense anymore. I used to play with my cousins paint set. i forget what they are called but they go in circles and you add paint to a pointer thing and it puts different colors on the paper as it spins in a circle. It continues to do this as long as you want until you are finished with your picture. Then you have layer after layer of color and circles. This is what my mind is right now. Layer after layer of colorful circles. I'm trying to figure out where they started, or better yet, where they end. ...what is it that I really want?

what is REALLY possible?

What things in life are worth the sacrifice?