the woman in the window

Driving past a small community in IL, I noticed a woman on the top floor of her house. She was in her upper bedroom with the window open. She sat with her arms folded on the window pane and I wondered what she was thinking.

What do people do in these small towns on lazy Sunday mornings? Maybe she was listening to the birds chirping, or feeling the wind on her skin reminding herself that she is alive. Existing. She is just existing. I wondered what I would feel if I was in a town of that size, probably 1,000 people. Would I dread life? Would I find anything exciting? Who would be my world? Most people live in the world of their children. They spend years watching them grow, being involved with their lives. From day one, they give their parents something to do. Changing diapers, feedings, this is how you walk, say, "mama", hit the ball, what a beautiful rainbow!, first day of school, classroom helper, soccer practice, dance recitals, braces, first kiss, study hard, go to the dance, growing up so fast, graduation........and on it goes forever. If it isn't your kids, then it is grandkids. I have even heard parents say, "My kids are my life". There isn't anything wrong with that, but I wonder, what if someone never had kids? Do they not have a life? I know there are many things to do besides have kids. One can better themselves with studying, community help, serving others, taking care of loved ones, travel etc. But this lady in the window, it seemed she longed for more.

I know I wont be that woman in the window. Not that I couldn't be, but that I know I wont sit still long enough to let it happen. There is always something I want to do, or someone I want to talk to. But in a way, I also envy her. She has found the gift of sitting, listening, and waiting. And it is in that place where we can find peace.

this grassy ark

It has been a good, but long weekend. And many things have happened that have caused me to think.

Someone mentioned to me the other day that it seemed Drew & I don't like being Christians because we are always talking bad about the church. Even to write that makes me cry. I would never want to come across as a Church hater, or a Christian hater, but I guess that is the air we put off. Jesus loved the church so much, and so do I. But as I was kid proffing my house this weekend, putting away all inappropriate materials, or any that would cause conversations I don't feel like having, I wondered, "who the heck am I?"

We watched a show one time about this guy who wasn't a Christian, but wanted to understand the culture so he set out to live like one. He made rules for himself, only shopping at the Christian Family Bookstore, only going to Christian sites for any info (news, entertainment etc), only renting Christian movies and even eating 'Christian' foods. He made his family do it too, which they hated. At the end, he talked about how Christians who put themselves on this 'ark' are missing it. We even do a skit (inspired by this documentary) about living on the ark. "If the world can't touch you, you can't touch the world" But where is the balance?

My brother went to school at CMU. He had one Christian friend, but got along better with other guys who weren't 'Christians', but great guys. So now, he has a different way of seeing things than I do. Mostly because I went to a Christian College where wordly influences were not as visable. He lives a bit differently than I do, but he also wishes he had a community like me. It is hard for him to find good friends, and as he walks through life, it is hard for him to find a church that he would like to go to.

After our parents died, Kelly and I kept going to the same church where we grew up, super conservative. I stopped going eventually (mostly because I moved) and he told me about one Sunday when he brought a friend. The church didn't have any elders, or even a preacher at this time. (They haven't had elders in almost 20 years...yes, i know) The person that was chosen to speak for the day (the men would take turns) decided to get the phone book and go through it naming all of the other churches that were NOT going to Heaven. My brothers friend was a member of one of those churches. A bit uncomfortable. Needless to say, he stopped going, and hasn't been back to a church yet. I mean, he has visited, but nothing membershipy.

I could post all day about those I love who have gotten burned by the church, and the reasons they did, but then what? As a Jesus lover, where does that leave me to bitch about the church constantly? We didn't go to church on Sunday because it was going to be cheesy. My sister didn't want to go, and either did Drew. But when it came down to telling the boys why we were deciding not to go, what were we to tell them? It is too cheesy? The drama sucks? The music is stupid? They aren't creative enough? They are too big? They are too little? I could think of excused all day as to why to stay off the Christian Bookstore Ark, but as I asked Drew last night, where do I stand?

I don't feel like living in the ark is right. Surrounding myself only with Christian things isn't what Jesus intended. I read a website the other day from a couple who had posted thier family creed. It said, "We will only surround ourselves with good Christian friends.". It made me mad. I thought, are people who are not Christians bad people? It is like those on the ark believe those who are not are like poison or something. My mentor told me I would change my mind when I have kids. Maybe that is true, but I just can't close my heart off to good people. Nor do I feel like I should. Jesus was ALWAYS with the sinners. They walked with him. But as Jay Baker said, "We teach our kids, 'Be like Jesus and stay away from those sinners'" Yeah right.

So where is the middle ground and how do I get there? I don't want to be on the ark, yet I am not off of it either. I am standing on the ramp wondering where the rest of the world is, feeling ashamed that I am not on one side or the other. But I don't think I should be feeling ashamed. I just want to live in a world where people love each other, and don't judge. Where they aren't selfishly talking about themselves, their wants, their likes etc. all the time. It is like it is impossible. Can't we just love one another where we are? Even if that means that you are on the ark, I am on the ramp, and someone else is on the grass?

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing."