spinning

I woke up this morning spinning. I went to bed late and got up early, and my equilibrium is off. I keep walking into walls etc. I feel like a drunk kitten or something. But today is eden's 3rd birthday and we are about to celebrate in five or so min.

I feel a spinning in my spirit as well. So much to say. So much to think about. I hope to write them all down soon, because they are good.

December sip

On the way to see friends yesterday I told Drew I have been struggling lately. As I talked through my December blues, I discovered that it truly is December that is my problem. I told him about how I feel responsible for so many people, and the relationships they have with each other and in this month I often don't do what I would want to do, but I do things to keep peace, harmony and all that other crap. As I cried and told him I didn't know what to do because I missed my mother and my older brother is far away, and my sister just adopted her third child and money ick .....I will spare you the rest of the list......I realized, it's not really about all of those things. I was upset because of December. You see December is the end. It marks the end of another year and for some reason I am forced to face all of the people in my life and try to explain why my life doesn't 'look' like thiers. I have to explain why I still don't have kids, why I still live in Michigan, why I don't make any money, why we can't buy gifts (but we always get those 'it's ok, we understand' eyes), why we never visit, and the ultimate question, when is it all going to change? Or what am I going to do to change it?

December reminds me of what is not.

I began to understand why all of my single friends hate December. I mean, I always kinda new they hated the Christmas season because they were forced to feel alone, but worse yet, answer the stupid question of why they are still alone. They are forced to look back on this past year, and years before and weigh it. Is my life better than years past? Or am I still the same? Nothing has changed. And can't we find something else to talk about?

I can see now why candy canes and santa hats don't make the orphans smile. They look back and remember the year filled with the void of love that only a parent can give. Most kids get a latte here, a pair of shoes there, but for those forgotten, ...nowhere to go for the holidays. More tears fall than snow during December and most just wish the holidays would never happen, reminding us of what is not.

It seems society is trying to force people into this corner where we are all made to look back and answer those questions. Where are you going to live? Who are you going to date? Where are you going to get money? How are you going to do that? Do you think that is a wise decision? When are you going to be on your own? When are you going to get a girl/boyfriend? Where are you going to work? Is that job right for you? You make a living doing that? Are you guys ever going to grow up? Why don't you have any kids? Where are you going for the holidays? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO???

sip hot coffee.

Have you ever felt the sun on your face during a very cold moment?

It was EXTREMELY refreshing to sit with good friends, drink good coffee, hear good music, and laugh till the early hours. Life is hard, looking back is hard, but it's not the looking back that is important. In order for December not to destroy me, I must drown myself in good friends, drinking coffee, good music, and laughter till the early hours. I refuse to allow December to depress me and bury me alive with things I can't control and promises not yet fulfilled.

The gift of Over the Rhine was AWESOME, but not as great as the gifts that I received from being reminded of the important things in life. That life happens one sip at a time and i don't have to have any answer to pointless questions. All I have to do is grind the beans, light a candle, shovel the sidewalk (only if I find the shovel) so friends can find the way, and live. Because if I'm running around from store to store and I'm busy wishing I was somewhere else, doing something else, my coffee gets cold.

and nobody likes cold coffee.


may our holidays be filled with unanswered questions. and warm sips.

a timely finding

Wildflower

Here I am again. It was just yesterday I was free to grow, free to be reckless in my innocents.
Rooted to the very thing that decorates my correction.

Here i am once again. Frozen without neglect
Cold with my sights beyond my circumstances.
Bitter in my ignorance of when my revival will spring forth.
So I wait.
Damp and cold with the only warm that this is not forever.
Here is not forever.
So I wait.
So I wait.



This was written by a friend a long time ago. I guess he didn't think it was any good, he threw it away. I found it in the trash that day, years ago, and stashed it in a folder that I found today. (I wrote it as he wrote it.)

timely.

Indigo Girls UP CLOSE!!!

It was SO much fun. I actually froze when we got our cd signed. They just sat there and looked at me waiting for me to say something and all that came out was....



nothing.

But, still, got the great pics.

http://flickr.com/photos/kathlenesmith/

drifting wood

There are times when I feel like all I am is drifting wood. I feel as if I have fell off of something that was once alive, and been floating on water ever since. It is ok to float aimlessly being taken from one shore line to the next, but at times I feel tired. I just want to land somewhere, and dry off. But, I should sit back and enjoy the ride that I am on. I know that once drift wood lands, some of it gets burned, while others are rescued, shaped, sculpted, and made into something unique and beautiful. It really just takes vision to see what's beyond the drifting. I think that is what I lack most of the time.

As I stood on stage tonight and told the story of Jonathan again, I thought, I am tired of pushing through the pain. I told the people, "If we could just see what's on the other side of the pain, we would gladly take it. God has so much for us if we would just push through". I do believe those words, but I just don't want to do them.

Im tired. I have accepted my calling, so I WILL move on from AL to the next place, I WILL get up and speak what the Lord tells me to say, and I WILL do it for as long as HE wills me to do it. I just long for more days that are not so tiring and drifty.

I WON! I WON! I WON! :)

It really does work! This is the second time (the first time was with my wonderful friend Zach who was a "friend" on blingo) that I have won on Blingo!!!!!

I will listen to my new music and think of them. Life is so good.

0:31 minutes ago
iTunes Gift Certificate
Kathlene S, Belleville, MI
+ friend

i just wonder which one of you is my "friend"

aches...of the head, hopes of the heart

So,

everthing keeps telling me to turn to this word called HOPE. The shows I watch, the boxes that I buy, the gifts given to me. And so I am not exactly sure what I am to learn about that, except that I am supposed to not give it up. Maybe God thinks I am close to feeling hope-less. He keeps sending me little signals, signs, hope. I heard a speaker on tv say the other night that if I feel like i have lost hope to close my eyes and remember when I last had it. Then call the people who were around then to remind me to have it again. well, i haven't lost it yet, but that doesn't make it easy to keep. So...I press on.

The good thing is there is much to hope for! The upcoming month will be a hard one, but it will be good. Time seems to fly by here in my life, sometimes that is good, sometimes that is bad. Spending time with those I love for example, flies by too fast. But this migraine I have been sporting for 3 days, way to slow. But next month will show a new door for me. A new place for Drew and I. I am excited. I am excited to start again, to move not just physically, but in so many other ways too. There are several people in my life who have had to make this jump into a new reality. Living in new places, new homes, eating off of new plates, it seems to fit them. Even though the miles to get there were filled with tears. Things are growing with them now, and I am excited for that new growth in me.

Jesus's bum

"Get off your bum and do it!" quote by Drew talking to Jesus.

achomplishment

As I sit here in a foreign house helping a friend move in, I am reminded of his face when he was buying a candle holder for his fireplace. Achomplishment. It isn't that buying a new candle holder is accomplishment, it is that he has worked so hard to do it. He is the type of person that works 150% no matter what he does. I have another friend who is an artist and lived in New York City for awhile. While doing so, he had to borrow some money to make ends meet. He since then has moved out of the city (a few years ago), moved in with family and worked very hard doing a "normal" job to pay off his debt. The other night he told me he just wrote the last check to his debtor and now he might even be able to pay off his car. Accomplishment. I know accomplishment comes in all shapes and sizes, and can look like many different things. It doesn't have to be about money. Reaching a goal is an accomplishment. I have another friend who he and his wife have endured MUCH to buy the house they felt like God was leading them to. Over a year later they are moved in and almost everything in the house, the walls, the kitchen, the home office, the dining room, the build in speakers on the ceilings, spell out their accomplishments. It feels good (and tiring) to reach your goal.

That is why making goals is so important. Without them we just flounder and feel overcome by this world.

these lines on my face

The other day Eden walked into the room and she had taken a friends lipstick and "put it on". The putting on however was all over her face. Not just her lips, but she also covered a portion of her cheeks! We can laugh at that because we know Eden is so cute and that lipstick is washable. With one trip to the sink, she will look brand new, wiped up, clean. Not so with these lines on my face.

It seems God keeps moving me into places where decisions not only have to be made, but made quick with the trust that HE is the one making them. I don't have time to weigh out the rights and wrongs or the goods and bads of everything in my life. I wonder if He is moving into these quick decisions because He knows I might not ever make a decision otherwise. Who knows. I don't really like it though, my face shows it. Lines. tears. frowns. my pillow gets frightened when I come to bed for fear of ending up wet. Yet, I know good things will come from these places God is moving me into. Not just good things for me, but for everyone.

Life is hard.

sigh.

someone wrote to me today and gave me great advise. He said:

Trust in His strength, not in your lack of it.

yes, I WILL follow you....but, could I have some bread?

Reality.

it sucks.

I think in a magical perfect world, money really would grow on trees. The people I love would be taken care of and set free from financial debt and inprisonment. And I would be able to do what I feel like God is calling me to do. Why does God call His people, or at least some of us, to sacrifice all (finances, family, comfort, health, friends, even church) to do His work. Everyone is different and I know we shouldn't question God, but I get frustrated. I get frustrated not knowing God's will for my life, and the ministry He has me in. I would love to take all of my unbelievable friends and family and allow them to excell in the gifts God gave them. But reality is, I can't. I can't keep pretending that God is going to provide a way for my debt to be taken care of. Or that I will even be provided for monthly. He CAN do it, but I am not so sure that He is going to drop that million dollar publishers clearing house check in my lap. Maybe He has another way of taking care of me. He DOES provide, but not the ways I would want. I hate reality that is constantly in my brain telling me things are impossible. I know God can do all things. But reality weighs on me like a brick. holding me down. Dispite this holding, I press on knowing God DOES have a purpose for me. That road might look different than what I thought, but I am still walking. Still walking with Him.

I know I will push through these hard decisions reality brings me. And I will taste all aspects of this journey from the sauerkraut to the brownies. Even a bitter taste is still a taste, which fills me with life. And through my tears and my 'see you later''s I know God will heal my broken heart and create some kind of beauty as we all press forward fighting reality along the way.

Come quickly Lord Jesus. Bring Your Perfection. You ARE coming. THAT is reality.

15 years of 27

July 27, 1991-July 27, 2006

15. The thought of 15 years in anything makes me feel old. I still remember turning 15, and now I am over double that age. As I sit here at 3:25am est. I realize 15 years ago I was up as well. so long ago seems so close. I remember so much, and so little from that night.

All day today I knew it was the 15 year anniversary of my parents death. And from the early morning, I woke up happy and filled with peace. I am not sure if it was the out of no where hugs from eden (first on the right shoulder, then the left, then the right again, then a kiss on the lips), or the most beautiful tree I have ever seen that seemed to speak to me in ways I can't explain, or maybe it was an old friend coming to see our show tonight, but all seemed to speak to me personally. It was as if God walked with me all day today.

I sat on the outer edge of the largest, coolest Oak tree I have ever seen. It was called a 'Live Oak', and was unbelievable. The limbs stretched yards away from the trunk inviting you to climb it. It covered the grounds like a canopy and I later learned it was over 600 years old. The trunk was HUGE, proving it's age. I sat and just looked at it and I felt blessed. Drew and I sat on the outside of the tree line and just talked for a bit. It was wonderful and I realized I was surrounded by beauty. God had taken my everyday ordinary life and transformed it into something amazing. More than amazing. His hand guided me towards my husband, my best friends, this ministry, the road, and to Round Rock, TX and to this tree.



I realized 15 years ago I wondered where I would be in 15 years, and I honestly wasn't sure. I remember telling myself I didn't think I would be alive that long. I couldn't imagine getting up everyday and living without my parenets. I didn't want to. And yet, somehow I did it. I carried on. And He carried me while whispering His secrets and desires for my life.

Today I don't feel sadness, but just blessed. I feel as if I am the most blessed person on the face of this earth and for that my soul screams, "THANK YOU!". I Praise God for His goodness in my life. I praise Him for being personal with me. I praise Him for Life! And for the beauty He continues to give me.

Once again I can't imagine where I will be in 15 years. I can't imagine being in a more perfect place than this, but with God, I am sure I will be.

it means something

"This world is not my home, I'm just a passing through, my treasures are laid up, some where beyond the blue, the angels beckon me from Heavens open door and I can't feel at home in this world anymore."

A song/hymn from my childhood. And I wonder, "when did I feel at home here?" I guess maybe when I was young and lived in my dreams of the future. Dreaming of becoming a famous singer, or a bus driver (yes, it is true), the future looked promising. That was before I left Alma Michigan. That was before Jesus. Nothing really mattered then. I got older, life happened, I met others who have also been asked to put a pebble in their shoe and walk.

I foolishly have been surprised by the hardness of this journey. Each step gets harder to move my legs. They are becoming numb to my body, yet my mind says, "wait....wait....just a few more minutes" and so I continue on. I keep looking for the moment when perfection arrives and all is made new. Ah yes, the bible speaks to that, Christ's second coming. So I wait in antisipation, searching for His breath to hit the earth once more. Moving one, then two, then three steps at a time. While constantly focusing on the only thing that keeps me moving...home.

This day was a long time coming. I must admit I have been afraid to brand my skin with a language (beautiful though it is) that I don't know. I decided though after getting referrals from several professors, and praying much, to just go for it. So i did.

Jeremiah 1:5 is one of my favorite verses. I have never thought of it as a 'life verse', although I know many people who have life verses. But tonight as I think about how much this one little verse means to me, maybe it is more than a life verse to me. Maybe Jeremiah 1:5 is my life, and my reason for living.

"BEFORE I formed you in the womb, I KNEW YOU, before you were born I set you apart, I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

This was from the Lord to Jeremiah, but the first part caught my eye. BEFORE he formed him, God knew Jeremiah. BEFORE...and that got me thinking. There had to be a time before conception when we were with God. Sitting..dreaming...smiling, and just enjoying Him. THAT was the place I was created, not my mothers womb. And THAT is the place I will return to, the place where God waits for me to come home. I long for that place. Each day that I live here seems harder to live than the last. Even though the world has some amazing, wonderful things, and with each day we see God a bit more, I still would rather be with Him enjoying Him fully.

Nothing will compare to me being reunited with my Father. I long to run to him and grab His cheeks kissing Him and telling Him of my love for Him, and to literally see His smile, and to feel His hand on my head. He holds all the warmth of a Fathers approval, and when I think of Him, this land couldn't feel more foreign. I long to get back to my homeland, to my birthplace, to my rightful place, to my Father...to my homeland in Heaven.






If you wonder what these words mean, they mean all I have written above and more.

the lost paintings

I was driving around and passed this garage sale yesterday. They had a fence thing that you keep animals in and I pictured Ajax hopping around inside of it in the grass and I smiled. As I walked up to the house I noticed they were using the fence thing for puppies that were for sale. They were cute. But they were also selling a few other garage sale items, you know, typical things, books, cups, tools etc. Then I noticed 2 boxes FULL of paintings. They were on canvas, all different colors and sort of looked like smudges of paint. Nothing that really caught my eye except that their were lots of them.

A woman from the garage asked if I was going to buy one. I thought, "yeah right." and then I looked up. She was retarted. I knew I didn't like the paintings and probably wouldn't buy one. Her sister asked if I was looking for something specific at the sale and I told her I was looking at the fence. She told me it wasn't for sale (because it had puppies in it!) and I said ok thanks and started to walk away heading to the sale at the house two doors down. As I was walking, the retarted sister said to her sister, "Isn't anyone going to buy my paintings?". Just then I thought, what if that is Jesus. Not that Jesus is retarted, but you know what I mean. I knew I would be going back to buy a painting.

I did go back, but I didn't buy one, I bought five. I had to leave to go to the ATM to get cash. By the time I returned it was pouring. So I ran into the garage to buy the paintings. She signed them for me. She said she couldn't wait to get rich and famous. I told her she already was.

a mothers dream

I am not sure how many of you guys watch LOST out there, but the last episode was awesome. There is a scene where a few of them have to decide if entering the code and pushing the button on the computer even matters. One of the guys tries to explain that if they do not punch in the code and hit the button that there will be an electric magnetic malfunction on Earth. That what they do actually saves the world. Even something as small as pushing a button. Lots to talk about there, but in the show, one guy doesn't believe it and actually breaks the computer making it impossible for them to release the build up of electric magnetic pressure. There is a spot under the ground that a special key goes into and it is the fail safe to release it if something should happen to the computer. Before it was entered the pressure built up was so strong that it forced everyone on the island to have intense pain in their ears. Something was getting ready to explode.

That is how I felt yesterday. Not sure how long things have been building up inside of me, or why really, but I just know out of no where I started crying. It wasn't really like one tear then another until a flood of tears came. It was more like a dam being crushed as my emotions all poured out into my car. There are several things that caused me to explode. For some reason lately I have been dreaming about my mom. It isn't that I mind necessarily dreaming of my mother, but it is just easier not thinking about her. I think this is why most of my siblings don't talk about her anymore. And as I am realizing, if we don't share the miracles in our lives, over time they disappear. And I feel that is what is happening with my mother at times.

I watched a video of her the other day. It was maybe 20 seconds long as she was sitting on Santa's lap. She was saying things to him in the midst of a crowded, conversation filled room. I strained to hear her voice only to discover I didn't know it anymore. I think this is what caused my dreams to start. Some dreams are of just seeing her. Some are of me trying to hug her. Some are of her talking to other people the way she used to so much. I miss her. I miss her laugh, and her smile, and her guidance. I miss the security of having a mother, someone who will no matter what happens be there for you.

One of my friends told me I have lost people that I have loved, and this continues to happen in my life. I am grieving that, even things from my past. But another friend told me, "Who hasn't lost people they have loved?". He was explaining that we have all loved and lost. And with that comes so much pain and confusion for the future. Will I ever love again? SHOULD I ever love again? The truth is people fail us. They die, leave, change, and are faulty. But then, I too am guilty of this. I am sure I have left those who have loved me strongly. I guess that is this thing called life. My first friend reminded me that God never leaves us. I feel that I know that is true. I don't feel like He is going to abandon me or leave me here to suffer or figure things out on my own. Or do I? I mean, when my bills are due and I don't have money, do I not feel let down? Or when I find out I am not pregnant AGAIN each month, has He not forgotten me? I think I do struggle with those thoughts. Not the ones that float around in my mind, but the ones that take root in my heart.

But the strange thing about feeling alone, is that so many people feel this way. And that creates a group full of people who feel alone, but ironically, are not.

So as I try to figure out these mother dreams that keep coming at night, I pray for God's breath, I pray for Kingdom focus, I just pray. And all of these prayers draw me closer to Him. And isn't that the point?

homeward bound

The drive home is hot and cold as Drew and I keep switching the temperature controller to accommodate our needs. He is hot, I am cold. So we compromise in the middle where he remains a bit sweaty and I, a bit chilled. But that is us. Meeting in the middle and living miserably together. ;) Just kidding. But it is the togetherness that makes my goose bumps calm and content.

It has been a long weekend filled with lots of miles. Traveling home from Illinois in a bus covered in diesel. Getting home late to empty our car of the bags from the trip only to put a few things back in them to leave the next day. It was a good trip though, filled with family encouragement and hugs from friends. I love my family and friends. They understand us, and that means so much to me. It feels so good to drive home after a crazy day of meeting with dr. robinsdad and talking about the fall with parents. God is good. He answers prayers and I am so thankful.

May the rest of this week be ever filled with wonder and God's Gift.

one step closer to a closed door, and one step closer to an open one...

wise men

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock." Matthew 7:24

What is the rock for which we have built our homes?

Growing up, I was born into the Catholic church. I can remember walking into the country church that sat on a hill formed graveyard. As I entered the sanctuary my black patten leather shoes that buckled clicked on the stone floor. We always sat near the front, which I thought was a reason to show everyone who we were. We were known in the community, I had a large extended family. I later decided my parents wanted to sit near the front so when they had to take me outside the doors to spank me, which happened at least once a month, everyone could see what was happening. I liked that church even though now thinking back it feels cold to me. Dead, ritualistic, yet traditional. Years later we converted to a much more freeing conservative, non-instrumental church. We met good people there. Church seemed more like a family, and it seemed I could actually meet people who were trying to make good, Christ like decisions. So, I began making my decisions based on these people.

I began to learn scripture. Certain scriptures though. It never struck me as funny that we would take scriptures out of the bible stories and memorize them, applying them to our lives, without reading the context to which they were written. For example, I memorized with my class I Corinthians 13. The famous chapter on love. I, along with 9 other 10 year olds, stood in front of our small assembly and recited, "Tho I speak with the tongues of men and of angels and have not love, I am nothing." . I never read what the chapter before this chapter is on. Do you know?

Spiritual Gifts.

We never once in the 10 years that I went to this church discussed spiritual gifts. Doesn't that sound crazy? Why were they afraid to even discuss things they didn't understand? So I learned about love, which was good. But we never did discuss that "tongues of men and of angels" part. I assumed it was something that was in bible days. That is how they explained everything they didn't understand. They would just say that only happened in bible days. What a shame. Thousands of people are out there with unopened gifts from the King.

So I began to build my house. But what foundation had I laid all of my verses on? Jesus tells us the wise man built is house on the 'rock'. What is my rock? When the storms actually do come, and I start to question everything that has ever happened to me in my life, and sorrow sets in, what is the rock that I cling to, that I stand on confidently?

Hearing the word, putting it into practice, this is the rock to which all of my foundations should sit. I have found that I MUST find scriptures to vanquish the enemies arrows and prove to me that God is with me. These scriptures don't just come out of thin air, they must be learned. They must be heard, and applied, and built upon. I need more of them. I believe the bible is the single most dangerous weapon to be used in all of history. It dissipates hate with love, heals the hurting, comforts the lonely, directs the paths of the righteous, but most importantly, it is the key that opens the door to God's breath.

Knowing this, believing it all to be true, I sit back wondering about life and stop to think, "what did I do with my bible"?

the woman in the window

Driving past a small community in IL, I noticed a woman on the top floor of her house. She was in her upper bedroom with the window open. She sat with her arms folded on the window pane and I wondered what she was thinking.

What do people do in these small towns on lazy Sunday mornings? Maybe she was listening to the birds chirping, or feeling the wind on her skin reminding herself that she is alive. Existing. She is just existing. I wondered what I would feel if I was in a town of that size, probably 1,000 people. Would I dread life? Would I find anything exciting? Who would be my world? Most people live in the world of their children. They spend years watching them grow, being involved with their lives. From day one, they give their parents something to do. Changing diapers, feedings, this is how you walk, say, "mama", hit the ball, what a beautiful rainbow!, first day of school, classroom helper, soccer practice, dance recitals, braces, first kiss, study hard, go to the dance, growing up so fast, graduation........and on it goes forever. If it isn't your kids, then it is grandkids. I have even heard parents say, "My kids are my life". There isn't anything wrong with that, but I wonder, what if someone never had kids? Do they not have a life? I know there are many things to do besides have kids. One can better themselves with studying, community help, serving others, taking care of loved ones, travel etc. But this lady in the window, it seemed she longed for more.

I know I wont be that woman in the window. Not that I couldn't be, but that I know I wont sit still long enough to let it happen. There is always something I want to do, or someone I want to talk to. But in a way, I also envy her. She has found the gift of sitting, listening, and waiting. And it is in that place where we can find peace.

this grassy ark

It has been a good, but long weekend. And many things have happened that have caused me to think.

Someone mentioned to me the other day that it seemed Drew & I don't like being Christians because we are always talking bad about the church. Even to write that makes me cry. I would never want to come across as a Church hater, or a Christian hater, but I guess that is the air we put off. Jesus loved the church so much, and so do I. But as I was kid proffing my house this weekend, putting away all inappropriate materials, or any that would cause conversations I don't feel like having, I wondered, "who the heck am I?"

We watched a show one time about this guy who wasn't a Christian, but wanted to understand the culture so he set out to live like one. He made rules for himself, only shopping at the Christian Family Bookstore, only going to Christian sites for any info (news, entertainment etc), only renting Christian movies and even eating 'Christian' foods. He made his family do it too, which they hated. At the end, he talked about how Christians who put themselves on this 'ark' are missing it. We even do a skit (inspired by this documentary) about living on the ark. "If the world can't touch you, you can't touch the world" But where is the balance?

My brother went to school at CMU. He had one Christian friend, but got along better with other guys who weren't 'Christians', but great guys. So now, he has a different way of seeing things than I do. Mostly because I went to a Christian College where wordly influences were not as visable. He lives a bit differently than I do, but he also wishes he had a community like me. It is hard for him to find good friends, and as he walks through life, it is hard for him to find a church that he would like to go to.

After our parents died, Kelly and I kept going to the same church where we grew up, super conservative. I stopped going eventually (mostly because I moved) and he told me about one Sunday when he brought a friend. The church didn't have any elders, or even a preacher at this time. (They haven't had elders in almost 20 years...yes, i know) The person that was chosen to speak for the day (the men would take turns) decided to get the phone book and go through it naming all of the other churches that were NOT going to Heaven. My brothers friend was a member of one of those churches. A bit uncomfortable. Needless to say, he stopped going, and hasn't been back to a church yet. I mean, he has visited, but nothing membershipy.

I could post all day about those I love who have gotten burned by the church, and the reasons they did, but then what? As a Jesus lover, where does that leave me to bitch about the church constantly? We didn't go to church on Sunday because it was going to be cheesy. My sister didn't want to go, and either did Drew. But when it came down to telling the boys why we were deciding not to go, what were we to tell them? It is too cheesy? The drama sucks? The music is stupid? They aren't creative enough? They are too big? They are too little? I could think of excused all day as to why to stay off the Christian Bookstore Ark, but as I asked Drew last night, where do I stand?

I don't feel like living in the ark is right. Surrounding myself only with Christian things isn't what Jesus intended. I read a website the other day from a couple who had posted thier family creed. It said, "We will only surround ourselves with good Christian friends.". It made me mad. I thought, are people who are not Christians bad people? It is like those on the ark believe those who are not are like poison or something. My mentor told me I would change my mind when I have kids. Maybe that is true, but I just can't close my heart off to good people. Nor do I feel like I should. Jesus was ALWAYS with the sinners. They walked with him. But as Jay Baker said, "We teach our kids, 'Be like Jesus and stay away from those sinners'" Yeah right.

So where is the middle ground and how do I get there? I don't want to be on the ark, yet I am not off of it either. I am standing on the ramp wondering where the rest of the world is, feeling ashamed that I am not on one side or the other. But I don't think I should be feeling ashamed. I just want to live in a world where people love each other, and don't judge. Where they aren't selfishly talking about themselves, their wants, their likes etc. all the time. It is like it is impossible. Can't we just love one another where we are? Even if that means that you are on the ark, I am on the ramp, and someone else is on the grass?

"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing."

Johanna B

I am sitting here (as my usual blog time, sunday driving home from a show) and watching Johanna sit in the shadows and work on her computer at the table and I am reminded of how blessed we are. I don't usually single people out to blog about, especially knowing all of you (and her) read this, BUT i just feel the need to express.

Something looks different. As i look at her, I see, a woman. An independent woman sits with confidence and gesture. She is beginning to understand who she is and why she is, and in that reflection shows me who I am. I see provision on her as she sits and types. Often I find her sitting curled up just looking at the world passing us by. As the rest of us pull the blinders down not to notice. beauty missed. We don't have time to enjoy sunsets and passing travelers. But not Johanna, she SEEs life out of eyes filled with beauty. She is hard on herself, but that is because her heart longs to be closer to Him. He has called her to such greatness, to which she has overly proven that seat. He smiles. and watches her dance. for Him.

Her stage presence was different this weekend. She walked with firm feet. She stood tall like the trees of Lebanon. She smiled. And was a bit feisty. Which i liked.

I said the other day that i wanted Hanna's laugh as my "you've got mail" sound. I told Drew that no matter what kind of mood i am in, her laugh WILL make me smile. i think he is now trying to figure out how to make this recording happen ;).

I think beauty is rare in a way. I mean, it IS all around us, lying unnoticed. but when beauty is discovered by beauty....i think this would happen more often if I would remember to keep the shades up.

so....just know Johanna, we are so blessed to have you with us.

I am blessed to jump in the ocean with you

and take walks & talks.

I am blessed to eat with you

and hear your laugh.

I am blessed by your sweet beckoning spirit that reminds me to look deep & keep learning.

I am blessed to watch you love on others,

and be loved.

I am blessed to call you friend.

Hanging with you is like eating superman ice cream with bubble gum pieces.

<3 kat

F Words

i Found myself waking this morning to the need to start the day. i picked up my phone to look at the time and it Fell out of my hands and onto the Floor.

i sighed as my insides told me, today is going to be an F day.

pulling myself out of bed, i moved Forward and downward to pour myself some juice. after which i decided to make a latte. my brother was up...he always makes me laugh. i poured the milk, it was sour. using another gallon i started to steam. half way through it stopped steaming. mid steam. there is nothing worse on a cold morning than luke warm coffee.

F day.

my starbucks brother told me to clean the wand, it had lime i guess, so i Followed instructions and went Forth. an hour later i was sipping a hot latte. i decided to Finish the First project i had to do today. i am sending out shower invites For my sister-in-law, aiko.

i sat to check my email, surf For a Few items on the web to help me with some things and i notice my mail isn't sending. no internet. not sure why. i guess it just decided to not work. so i moved on. what else can you do? the printer.

two hours later i decided i wasn't smarter than the printer, it had won, and i made the call. my personal computer guy isn't like most, he is one of my best Friends, and i am thankful, and grateful, and blessed by him. he Fixed my printer problem in 15 minutes.

with everything printed i started to put it all together, that is when i got up to pee and noticed i had stepped in ajax poop. typically this isn't bad, his poops are hard and small like a ball, but we have been Feeding him greens and i guess they went through him because it was soft, and squishy on the Floor. but i didn't notice until i was out of the bathroom Finding poop on the carpet, wall, and on my shoe. (don't ask how it got on the wall...still not sure)

it was almost Five and i was supposed to go to church with a Friend. i wanted to go, but i had set a few realistic goals (realistic before all the problems) to get done before i left, all of which i could not do (see above). i really didn't have time to go, but i Felt i should, so i wasn't sure what to do. seeing me struggle, kelly and drew told me to not go. so i called my Friend whom i never see and told her i wasn't going to make it. i started to explain, and my call was dropped.

F day.

i threw my phone (very mature i know) and stormed upstairs, slamming my door and collapsing on my bed in tears. i hid under the covers begging the Lord to end the world. nothing. so i got up, told drew i was leaving and took the car. i drove to my Friends church and circled the parking lot until i decided to just go in. i felt 'led'.

she was surprised and that was nice. we settled in to the bible study only to find out the topic was on.....money.

F day.

seriously, did i really need a lesson on right spending when i have been trying to Figure out how i am going to pay my dental bill? the Lord had just provided For me the night before, covering my First appointment, so i thought, i might as well stay. i had to anyway, i didn't want to let down my Friend, and i drove all that way.

the lesson was Fine. the typical things, don't have a credit card, don't be rich, share your money, you are more rich than most in the world, etc etc. then their was worship. there was a moment...breath.

i prayed For Jesus to come back, to which he Failed to do. and so i decided that two hours were enough to let drew worry about me. i asked my Friend to call drew (i left without my phone) to let him know i was stopping for gas and then i would be home. i left.

i decided to take the back roads. i made it to michigan ave. then it went into gear, then out, stuck clutch, pulled over. Deep breaths. the clutch was stuck. it was stuck to the Floor.

F day.

i tried to put the emergency Flashers on. they were broke.

F day! F day!

cars going around me, i put my turn signal on and turned off the car. turn signal off. ok, so i guess the car has to be on for the turn signal to work. so i turn the car back on and walk to the gas station next to where i was parked. i was sure it was closed but it was open. this wasn't the best corner for me to break down on. lots of truckers, scary people. i had no phone.

F day. F day. F day.

i went in and asked the man to use the phone, he pointed to the pay phone.
So...i walked to the pay phone, dead.

i went in and asked the man who could speak no english if i could use the phone. he pointed to another phone, i started walking and praying drew would answer. his number is the only one i have memorized. i felt stupid.

i saw it was only 5o cents to call, so i Found the change and made the call. one ring.....two rings...."hello...wait hold on a second, someone wants to tell you something". if you have called drew, you know what i am talking about. i, through tears, left a message. it was the only number i knew. 203..that is kelly, i think there are more numbers though. 615-517...that one is zito, missing a Few digits. Ryan, 734-516...i think there is a 9 in the next part. why can't i remember phone numbers???? 419..that is kari. 616-669-7662 that one is lou, drew's mom. but she just tried to get new service, so thier phone number that they have had For 20 years is on hold, not working. 989-828-6918. i think that might be my uncle gordon's number..but not For sure. it is something like that though. but truthfully, what is he going to do, he is in shepherd.

F day.

i walked back into the gas station to have another man ask me if i needed help, to which i responded, "no thanks, my husband is coming" ...at least, i hoped he was.

in reality, i only waited For maybe 10 min. but it was long enough For me to beat myself up about all the things that happened to me through out the day. i held in my tears, and in walked drew. i am not sure how long i stood there sobbing, but i have never been so glad to see him. i was helpless.

cops came, kelly and drew pushed the car into a lot and drew is now calling a tow truck and Finding a place to take the car.

i love the boys in my life. they all take care of me in so many ways. i really am the luckiest of women. but please Lord, please let this F day end.

F can stand For so many things. today it was Frustration. although i must admit i thought a Few other F words today too. but when i am in bed tonight, i am going to pray Faithfulness...Faithfulness...Faithfulness.

Hope Lifts

I love my life.

I love the road, and the smells that it brings. I sit and watch the Georgia sunset and wonder how in the world did God bring me to this place? I am so blessed. I must be among the riches of the rich, feeling the presence of the King as He gives and gives his blessings and love to me. I recognize Him in the relationships that I am privileged to partake in. The new ones, and the aged ones. Each has His image, and I see it. How did I get here? I wonder as I ride down this highway and feel the comfortable cushion underneath me. Sipping Dr. Pepper and wondering what tomorrow could possibly hold that would take my breath away more than today. I am loved. I am known. I am held. By Him, the holder of all things. There are things in my life I don't understand, and wish I had, but He hears me. This I know.

I have been thinking much on hope lately, and the danger it brings to my life. The bible tells me that Hope never disappoints. I live and breathe based on what the Word tells me. However, this one is hard to understand. If this Hope that it speaks of means in life, based on eternity, then yes, Hope Never disappoints. I know that I will find my home with Jesus, and long for the day of constant, uninterrupted commune with him and my Father. But if it means no disappointment now, I am lost.

I went to a Hallmark store when we were in MO about a month ago. I never go into that store, but I was bored and looking for a card for someone. As I was walking, I saw these little angel statues. I am sure most of you have seen them. They are wooden and show friends, or mom, dad and kids. But then I saw this one, that sort of struck me. It was a child holding a balloon. He was looking up at the balloon as if he was about to leave the earth. The balloon was made of wire and written in it was the word, "Hope".

It was entitled "Hope Lifts Us Up".

Hope lifts. It said something to me. I just stood there staring at it. And crying. I forced myself to think about the children my heart longs for. I have prayed and tried for so long to have a child of my own. And it seems that every time I see one, something in me yearns, longs, exasperates for it. Timing. I know. I have heard the sermon. Tell "wait" to my heart one more time and it will laugh. Wait is tattooed on the outside of my heart and has been there so long it feels like home. And that is where Hope knocks. He is like a kid playing a trick on my heart. You know the trick, there is a knock on the door and you go to see who it is, but when you open the door, no one is there. And when you close the door, there is another knock. I find myself playing this game with Hope month after month, year after year. And I cant help but fall for it's trickery. I MUST open the door. Every time I come to the conclusion that this time I will not answer, I see something in the window. A moment, then hidden. Brown eyes, brown hair. That smile. A child playing tricks. knocking, then running away with jumps and giggles. I must answer. I must open the door to Hope. It isn't disappointing, that is the wrong word. Hope is hidden.

I visited my sister last week. On the drive there I was thinking and praying about this Hope that bugs me so much. I was thinking of that little statue that struck my heart that day in MO. Hope lifts...Hope lifts.... I thought of calling Drew and telling him that I liked it, I knew if I told him I liked it, that he would buy it for me. He spoils me like that. But then I thought, no, I don't really need it, and I just kept driving and continued praying about the things in my life.

I had a great visit with my sister and nephews. I hadn't seen them since Christmas (way too long) and the visit was priceless to me. It was almost time for me to leave and my sister was showing me some cards she had just received in the mail from friends (she makes cards and sells them to raise money for the adoption of their little girl in China. Kariscards.org). Then she said, "Oh! I got this for you. I went into this store for no reason really, and I saw this and felt like you should have it".




He heard me. He hears me.


I am not content with living facing forward. My gaze must always be different than the most. It must look past the obvious, and into the Promise. It must look up. That is where my home is. That is where I see Hope. That is when it Lifts.

Hope falls from the sky

There are days when i listen to my friends who write music and i get so jealous of them. I wish i could articulate the feelings of my heart in music. There are moments i am given tunes to carry with me, but the words come from a different place. they flow freely and I can't wrap them into a verse or chorus.

I listen to all of my favorite groups, and wonder how they can all write so well, yet give the same message. I mean, it is all about life, and no one has life figured out yet, or ever. We stumble, we sink, we are rude, or even mean. But we live. And all of my friends that are on a quest to the REAL Jesus are just trying to do their best. I guess sometimes i just wish i didn't know i had a choice. I wish i had to believe what my parents taught me, or what i learned in Sunday school. But even then, those things are so skewed. I memorized I Corinthians 13 when I was in 8th grade. We all took a verse or two and recited it for the whole congregation. They were just words, like the Pledge of Allegiance, said without meaning, without conviction. The passion comes in understanding.

I feel the world is getting confused. I hate looking through magazines anymore, everyone wanting something, everyone has a statement. Rob Bell speaks the words of GOD. ... Maybe he does.

But my heart begins to think that Jesus is becoming, hidden. He isn't out there anymore. He isn't understood. You just can't put him in a box anymore, or qualify him as this way or that. Now, all of a sudden, you have to KNOW him. But can Jesus be everything to everyone? Can he be the man who blesses the rich and sleeps with the poor? Can he be solemn and a rebel? Traditional and Contemporary? Isn't he the same guy as yesterday, today, and forever? Then who is he? Is he just who i make him to be? Is he just who i want him to be?

I realize I am only 33. I know i will never have the answers to the questions of life. But i long to know this Saviour of mine. There are times where i do feel i have met him. He has touched me, my face, my cheek. He has danced with me in sorrow, literally. He has given me the pearl ring to wear, as his. I have encountered a Jesus. my Jesus. He loves. He directs. He waits. He laughs. He longs. He sits in the rain under a tree with me, getting dirty, being washed clean. and in the morning, we walk. again.

I don't see this man very often. Not for lack of trying, but the world gets in my way. decisions (some I make monsters out of), are to be made.

My vision has not left me. I still see times past. I can not see into the future, i don't know what it looks like, or how it will feel. I think it will hurt. i think it will love. sometimes it makes me tired. sometimes it makes me cry. and then hope falls from the sky reminding me that he is coming. that he is here even now. I smile knowing that he is here, somewhere. even with me.

Catching up

Here I am sitting on my couch and drinking a cup of beautiful french pressed coffee made by my one and only drew. The week has flown by once again, even though we are at the hump, but i feel pretty organized about what I am to do. I have been trying to get organized so I know what i need to do, and when i need to do it. I have been busy doing everything from dishes to cooking, to meetings, to a bit of the tv watching. We have "cable" now, which basically means we don't have to squint to watch LOST now. (which tonight, it was AWESOME!) So, that is the update.

God is doing lots of things in my life. too many to sort out right now while i watch the last episode of Sex In The City. Somehow that show just hooked me. It is the thought of having close friends like the girls on that show. I am beginning to understand that not many people are blessed to have even one good friend, and i have so many. Most of you who read this blog are my closest of the close. It is amazing how blessed i have been. I think sometimes about the things i wish i had, but then, compared to the closeness in spirit I have been given, I remember, I am blessed.

I am loved, and there is no greater thing.

frustration

for the record--i hate all printers.

10 days

There are times in life when you look back on 10 days and wonder how I could have been so blind. Yet, i guess i couldn't have known what God was going to do. But maybe I should have trusted Him a bit more.

I wasn't looking forward to the things that were going to happen on this past trip of 10 days. I remember having a horrible attitude, yet feeling happy to be on the road. Some days, while i am in the midst of my selfishness, i long to just keep traveling with out stops. Feeling comfortable in my sheltered home. But from the first stop, setting up our sound at Byron's church, things started to seem..different.

We stayed with people this past week, who were so giving. they not only let us stay in their home, but gave us a vehicle to use the entire week, let us hook our bus up to their house, fed us everyday, gave us stuff, and just blessed us with conversations over hot tubs and guitars. It was just a blessing, and I found myself still with a bad attitude, but feeling grateful in the midst of it.

I must say, i wasn't looking forward to the CIY meetings, the OTB meetings, or the Birthright project that we were to perform on Friday. There were lots of people to talk to, and much to achomplish, and i just felt tired. You know, that tiredness you get when your spirit just feels spiteful. But every place God took me, he would bless me over and over. We received a donation this past week. $5000. We needed money to pay our health insurance and it couldn't have come at a better time. We are still without pay however, but i know God will provide. He is so good to us.

CIY was great to us too. They were really coming to us wanting a fresh look at things. I found that something i couldn't be mad at. It's not that i don't like CIY, but I just felt crappy about the whole thing. can't really say why. It felt strange being there, but they blessed us. And i felt stupid when i left, trying to weigh through my personal feelings and bad mood, and what God actually wanted me to take away from that.

The rest of the week was the same way. God sending words, time, and people to bless me. It was amazing to watch Him bless me dispite my attitude. Then there was Birthright. Drew was so in tune during the rehearsals. He was in his element for sure. He directed and worked on the flats, and was a key person in the rehearsals and how it tycnically went together. even though i didn't see him much, it was great to watch him enjoying his work. It reminded me of how we each have our own place. like i loved writing Birthright. I don't mind performing it, but directing? not my thing really. But drew not only was good at it, he LOVED it. He loved having a goal and reaching that goal.

Once Birthright started, I could feel God's presence there, and I was thankful. The program went great. there were a few glitches, but over all, it was so Spirit filled. During each piece I looked out across the audience to watch people respond with laughter, agreement, and tears. When we started communion, almost every person who was in my line was crying. It was so touching. I didn't realize what this program would do to people. But it moved them. In deep ways. One woman told me afterwards she had never worshipped that way before. another told me she knew God wanted her to come to this conference for something, and she had the most intimate moment with Him that she had ever had. Birthright. I would have never guessed it. But i had the priviledge to watch God reveal my vision for Birthright. Many things happened the exact way I had envisioned them when we wrote Birthright. I woke up Saturday morning knowing my drama conference experience wasn't over yet, just feeling thankful. I cried as i opened my eyes to a new morning of realization that God had been blessing me for the past 7 days. He loves me. and even in the midst of my ornery attitude, He blesses. Just like the Isrealites. I constantly find myself relating to them. I hate that, but it is true.

the blessings weren't over though, we were previledged to perform drama during the conference and everyone seemed to love our new way of performing. Most of the drama's at the conference are what you would normally see during a church service. They were a bit churchy. Not that it is bad, but it is just different from what we do. It just felt good to be accepted.

We left there and headed to Carthage MO where we set up (late) and spent the night in the bus. We were all really tired, but got up the next day to perform at the Sunday morning service. We had to teach a class though and we weren't really sure what to do. But it all worked out well, as it always does and the congregation loved our drama's. it was a crazy show because most of the audience were older people. uh..i think drew calls them geriatrics. But they were great and even loved our drums. :)

at any rate, i didn't really mean for this entry to be a play by play of my ten days, but rather a glimps of how God worked despite my humanness.

We are on our way home now. It was laura's last trip which i have been avoiding the thought of not having her. She will be missed. And i fear not having her around. things will seem empty, but God will fill the voids. It has been a great 10 days. and I pray the next 10 (dispite my not wanting to be at home) are filled with even more blessings from the Lord.

Two Roads

There are two roads from which i get to choose to go down. one to the right, and one to the left. I believe each will get me to my destination, they look a lot alike really, trees, green, the paths are similar. does it matter which one i take? they both seem to be bending the same, but i am not sure which one to go pick.

On this hike, we looked for a min, and started walking in one direction. I think it was the rigth, or was it the left? It didn't matter because eventually they came together. But that initial step, that choice, i just made it with no fear. I just realized if it sent me a wrong way, i could turn around and take the other road. it would be more work, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.


choices. Sometimes we put so much weight on which way to go, that we never move. We remain and there we die. or at least grow tired. I have watched many of my friends burrow into that place of non-decision. Over where to work, where to live, what car to buy. Months, even years pass without a decision being made.

It is a risk to choose one over the other because we have no idea where it leads. Or what is waiting for us on the other side. But one thing is for sure, it can't be any worse then just standing here wondering which way is best. I guess i just want peace about my decisions in life. i don't want to walk in the way of confusion or wonder. God brings peace. He offers it, gives it. May He bless my choice no matter which way i choose to go.

And maybe I am to choose one path for now, and later be moved to another. Maybe what i am feeling is a journey of places. In that one place doesn't feel any more right than the other. They both feel equally strange. Maybe we are to go to the right, but to later meet up with the left. So knowing that, in my spirit, I feel a bit more settled. Transitions. They are temporary. If we don't like a place, we move again. Maybe we need to just move and then we will understand more of where we are supposed to be? If we take the initial step, the doors might open, and leading will come forth.

I guess moving towards one path doesn't mean that is the last path. Maybe it just means I am moving again. Someone just told me,"any movement is forward movement.". Maybe that is the case.

ah the russians..

"..and that is how we solved Russian Communism."

i wake up to my radio alarm. It was on npr this morning and this is what i heard before pushing the button, smiling and drifting back to sleep for 10 more winks. someone else is at work on that communism issue...i knew it was going to be a good day.

my stick shift

I have recently learned (again) how to drive a stick shift. My husband and I were blessed to be given a 2001 Subaru. It is in great shape, and we were so excited about getting it. It came in perfect time as our other two vehicles were dying. My husband told me all of the fancy features from a cd player to butt warmers. I was so excited to start driving this blessing. It is the first nice car we will own. I pictured myself driving to our local Target in style, with my warm bottom cheeks. And then he told me the bad news, it is a stick shift. This is the worst news ever. Rust I could handle, no radio would be hard, but I would deal with that, but a stick shift! My spirits and dreams started to sink down. My trips to Target were now filled with my husband in the drivers seat. This isn't bad, but now I am on his schedule, and alone time will be harder. I had a decision to make, spend every day, all day at home, or learn to drive the trecherous stick shift.

We were meeting friends and my husband was riding with others, the only way I could get to the restaurant was if I drove our car. I looked at it in the parking lot mocking me. I wondered what the car would look like after it's first trip with me. And then I wondered what the other car would look like, you know, the one I will hit. But I pulled myself out of these thoughts and I decided it was time, and got in to start it. Much to my suprise, it started the first time! Now reverse, then first gear..stop sign...first gear...stop sign..speed bump (took that a bit to fast!) and out of the drive way! I was so excited to be on the road without any stallings. First gear, second gear, fifth gear, uh, wait, what's that noise?! I went from second gear to fifth and somehow stalled the car. I pulled over on the side of the road, cars racing by, my adrenaline pumping and my nerves out of control. "I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS!" I yelled through my tears and fear. I stared the car up again, and drove it to my destination. I made it fine. It was rush hour, and i was very nervous. When i got out of the car, I hoped I never had to drive it again.

But i knew if I ever wanted to go anywhere, I would have to get in that seat once more. The next time I did, was the week before Christmas. Traffic was super bad, and I stalled it a million times. I cried. I stopped, took a breather, ate some chicken wings, and got back in the drivers seat. The thing is, I had no choice. I had to get back in if I wanted to get home. My life is much like this 2001 Subaru.

Everyday I wake up wondering how I am going to make it one more day. I look at the big picture of the ministry I am in, and my bills piling up, and my friendships and family, and I wonder how it is going to work out. How is it going to be ok? I suddenly get that feeling in my stomach. The one that is much like butterflies, but evil ones. It hurts and eventually eats away at the lining in your stomach. I stop, cry and take a breather. "One day at a time, one hour, one minute", is the phrase I tell myself. That is how I live. That is how I get rid of those evil butterflies in my stomach. Trusting that God will kill every one of them with His promise to take care of me. And I DO love Him, but it is in all of this jerking and gear shifting and even stalling that I get confused and want to stop driving all together. But I can't really. Because I have to keep going, if I want to get home.

kaleidoscope

i love kaleidoscopes. My mother used to collect them before she pasted away. I have her collection now. She only had a few, but i love looking at them. Each one is so unique and makes its own pattern. When you turn the dial, shapes and colors collide and create new creations of beauty and my eyes never grow tired of these changes.

When i look at my own life, I wonder why it is that I hate change. Change was happening so much in my life this past year, it seemed I couldn't keep up, and I hated it. But now that changing has slowed down, I don't like where it has stopped. I am at the place in the ferris wheel where you are almost done, getting off the ride, but not quite. So you suspend in air and the view isn't that good, and you can't touch the ground yet, so you just dangle and wait. I am dangling and waiting. Holding my breath for the next change. And understanding that there are more colorful patterns to see.

random thoughts while waiting

There is something about this area. Have I convinced myself of it? Do I feel, really feel different when I am here? As we step off the bus I get stepped on, weighted down. Oppression. I need to feel free. I need to feel awake and alive. The longer I stay, the worse it gets. How do i step past these happenings in my life? Where do I go to get the magic pill of freedom? Will I be different in a different city? Could life be better? I don't even know how I would get there. This is how people get stuck. I need to be unstuck. What can we do to be alive again? Is this all there was? I know once I am in sight of the stage, the people...I soar.

I wouldn't see myself as an encourager, yet I encourage. There is something about truth that draws people out of our present state and leaves us begging for more. We were created for righteousness. So when we see it, without understanding or knowing what is happening, we long to be corrected. We want to be right. As much as our selves fight to be right alwyas, (even if we are wrong) we long, need, want to be right in the most right way. In the most pure form of right-ness. Righteousness. So, we live our lives as best we can whle looking for ways to become or improve our righteousness. When we find these pieces of treasure (sometimes they look like a whole chocolate cake, sometimes like a small piece of baklava-both delicious!) we savour it, make it a part of ourselves and then look for more.

I have found these people, prophets, these righteous words are in such things as sermons, magazines, art, people, books, nature. Because God can speak anywhere, and at any time. We don't know where we will find these random treasures, so we must always be looking for these treasures of correction. Ready to receive.