20% left.

i feel myself sinking down...fading back. Everyday I can feel this force working against me and my family and friends. I can't put my finger on it, but depression is setting in.

The things of religion do not make sense to me. i know God has provided for me, and continues to, but must I beg for provision? is this the life He longed for His kingdom children to have? Where did i go wrong in this life of sacrifice? How did I back myself into this corner of starvation...my mind growing still with each day pressing in. I don't understand it. Why suffer through? Why drop thousands of tears? What are they for?

Life proves itself to me, mocking me, taunting me into believing these are the reasons I don't have a child. How could i handle it if I had a baby? My house is a wreck even with endless cleaning. My walls are full, and even with my vision of providing safe places for others to stay, nothing points towards goodness anymore.

i get lost.

Looking forward seems promising, but i just read last years Christmas letter telling me that 2005 was looking up! "We have a good feeling about this year..", I proclaimed. And then i realized...i say that every year. I did have a good feeling about 2006 until i read that letter. now....

what is there when certain things become uncertain? the promises we made mean nothing in the eyes of difficulty and they are easily brushed aside for OUR needs to be met. Yet, who wants to live a life of constant difficulty? Do we deserve more? Where is this freedom He promises?

unsure of my move, I look at the board. starring...wondering...how is this one going to work?

God does work. He knows His move before He looks and only moves it when the other is ready to crack. We think we know, but we don't. But why, why so many tears? What does that mean?

I would like to ease my mind of the complications of my heart. I try to make a list of needs in order for that to happen...it doesn't work like that. Seeing this list being fulfilled as i watch myself step away from His hand and into my own. I DO need Him. I don't know how to Need Him. I don't know what to need Him in.

My emotions are getting the best of me this week. So many memories, so many issues, pain, laughter, accusation, guilt, as a tear rolls down my grandmothers cheek showing her love for my mother...and for me. How do I take that??? where do i put it? please tell me how to compartmentalize these resurrected thoughts. seeing through the eyes once more of a 15 year old. Broken cars and nights with out a father. disrespect. tenderness looking deep. playing favorites and holding hands. I cant stand this past I live from. I can hardly even look into the future anymore. things i once saw seem to disappear, fizzling out slowly over time.

i don't want a normal job. i want to help people. i feel called to otb, but i don't feel called to this money struggle. My good friend just told me now that her husband is working, they are getting along great. is that what it takes??? money???? I am too stressed to give a loving glance. i get up every day starring at the time on my ceiling watching it pass, wondering if i have to get up again to face more disappointments. There are good things you know. smiles all around. eden. she is here, and her hugs are worth a thousand years in rent. food, given by family. hugs from a friend. laughter from the simpsons. my rice cooker. But as i was talking with a friend today...these things that fill my void, just seem so temporary. And the heaviness i feel is just waiting for me at the table. It is where i eat. hopelessness. I hate it.

Some one told me recently that hope lies in the redeeming love of Jesus. That he can take any situation and turn it around for the glory of God. I am still eating sand and waiting for my miracle, my turn around, my redemption.

Maybe i over estimated my strength the day the Lord asked me how far I would go for Him. Maybe i thought i was some sort of super hero ready to give up all for the sake of Christ. At times I feel i am...but how do i put that in my current situation. I am under slept, and over thought. Where and when would I get a second job? This 'happy holiday' season is impossible. Give up my life? sure. Give up Starbucks? do i have to?

I am spoiled in many ways. Living in this world that I have surrounded myself with where 50 percent of my friends own an ipod of some sort. Many have the newest technology in phones, computers, psp's, you name it. I am happy with the hand me downs. (seriously) and i enjoy my 4 dollar cup of coffee every once in awhile. But I am missing something. Something is not right. For some reason the gates are being held shut and I don't understand it.

i have to get out of here. this place is suffocating me. I can not think straight and my vision is blurred. I am shutting down.

it doesn't make any sense....it's too much for me...my heart is turning...yet somewhere in there is a spark of hope for tomorrow.

Princess

I sit here in the colored lit room staring at the Christmas tree while listening to the football game. But there is another noise begging for my attention. only two feet away from me is a gerbil named Princess. Princess is desperate to get out of her cage.

She lives in a glass fish tank and has only a wooden bridge like structure to climb on. But for the past few hours she has frantically been trying to get out of her cage. She hung from the top by her teeth, and even after receiving food and water she tries to climb her way out by using the glass. She gets nowhere and i wonder where her hope lies. Why does she continue? I wonder what makes her long for freedom so much that she will forever try to get out.

Personally, I am having a hard time not letting her out. Her hope should be fulfilled, and not disappointed. I just found out that all gerbils do this behavior. Which tells me two things, I will never have one, and they all should be free.

I watch Princess and feel her pain. Trying so hard to be free, longing to move on with your life and so badly wanting a family. She slows now...probably getting tired. And so am I.