Peace Lake

Breathe in lungs--feel the air on that morning blood.

There is something magical about the morning. Really about any time before 8 am, however today it was 9. This lake is magical. 40 miles long, 1/2 mile down it lulls me to be mesmerized by it.

Peace. Deep morning breath bring me peace reminding me of when my mother would lay me in my tender bedside crib. Wrapped in a blanket made by hands, I closed my eyes in peace. Free to dream about Jesus or colors or my mothers milk. All things made me smile. There was someone else in control, taking care of me. And somehow out here on the lake found in the Empire State I sense the same Peace.

A Freedom to forgive. A freedom to be found, to love and be loved. Time to search, for lack of forgotten electronics. Praise God!

Time to Breathe.

I don't want to leave this Promise Land filled with perfect temperatures and smiling glances, but i know I must. My heart prays for a land much like this, one that leads to peace always.

questions

"Would God will me to be in a place where I don't believe in Him?" was the question posed to me by a friend of mine. This was one of many hard questions about God, life, death, purpose, creation, reality, religion and more, that he had for me.

Proof. How do I prove my faith to someone? And why do I believe what I believe?
The muslims believe something as strongly as I do, so what makes me right? i watched a program last night that was on a science channel and they were discussing the human mind. They discovered people can do unexplainable things because they believe they can. That is why some allow themselves to get bit by snakes, stick metal objects through their skin, knock people out with out touching them, and more. They said the mind is an amazing thing. So, am i just believing to make my life worth something?

What is the difference between my biblical stories, Noah- the earth filling up with water and only one family surviving and repopulating the entire human race, and someone like Tom Cruises stories of aliens? Is a burning bush or a staff turning into a snake a reasonable story? How do i convince someone that what I believe is the only way to God?
Where is my proof?

And when someone doesn't believe what i do, how do I remain close to them? What do i talk about? If there is no common ground, who is leading their decisions, and why should I take their advise? The Spirit isn't even guiding them, or at least they are not responding to Him. Frustration sets in. over and over. I can't stand to see friends change. Hearts that were once fertile, now dry, made hard by this answer-less thing called life.

God shouldn't be this hard. He tore the veil so that we could all be with Him. Just like Moses. Jesus healed and changed people's lives. So much we don't understand. So much we can't explain. I have been called nieve to believe in this unseen God. Yet, i still believe. I have no answers to the questions of life. But, then again, that is not my responsibility.

the mark of a sacred kiss

There He is. He has been spotted. Amazing how Christ shows up. He is in a lot of places, most places, if you wait long enough you might get a glimpse.

I was just coming in from packing . They had just given the invitation and brokenness was around the room. They had asked everyone to find their seats when through the crowd I noticed a hand stroking the hair of a young boy. One of the Core Officers had gone up to pray with a young boy who was in need of love. Stroke after stroke He said, "I love you. You are my boy. I love you." and the boys heart was being mended-becoming whole. It was tender. After getting up the boy hugged his friends and the same man with the hand of God kissed the boy on the head.

There is something sacred about a kiss, especially between two males. Intimacy was born there at one time only to be quickly perverted by Satan and sin. But the Lord, God, left His mark on His children. If you have ever been broken you know what I am talking about. The mark of a sacred kiss.

waiting in the baby room

I feel overwhelmed by the things in my life today. So much crap to think about and i have been sitting at home working all day. It is 7:38 pm and I got up around 10am. This is my first journal entry. Although I did read this morning and got into the scripture a bit. But even that all felt a bit empty. Some days, I am discovering, I just feel sad. Something sets me off, and for the next several days i feel overwhelmed, trying to stay above the muck.

This time it was my Aunt Nancy. I was at Ryan and Laura's new place helping them paint yesterday. As I was painting the tan walls of Eden's room , i thought about how another child will enter this household soon. I loved it. And wanted to cry. I couldn't imagine decorating a room...I had thoughts of this once, a long time ago.

My Aunt Nancy was down to help paint the apartment yesterday too, she had no idea I was praying in my heart for things of my future. And then she spoke. She asked me about a girl named Julie that I grew up with. She told me she was pregnant with her second and asked if I new that. I responded with no. But that wasn't the part that got to me. She proceeded to tell me that I then didn't know that she is due 2 days after Laura. I wanted to cry.

I guess as i sit and think about it, it isn't that Julie, or any other of my countless friends, get pregnant. It is hard to hear. Especially about the second..third..and even fourth kids being born. But the hard part is the lack of bond I feel with them. They are in another world from me. I know it isn't my aunts fault, I don't fault her for not understanding the pains of infertility. Most people don't understand. But for me, it is the constant reminder that most other couples live in this land filled with flowers and sunshine, happiness and love filled children, while we sit on the other side of the hill under the black cloud. I know these images are not true and just thoughts to separate us all. I am sure having children is trying and hard, and not what i always think it is going to be. I also know my time will come...or so they say.

I love my friend laura. There have been dreams about the two of us being pregnant at the same time etc. I sometimes wish i were never told these things I cling to. It almost feels like false hope as year after year passes. When I hear of family and friends all due around the same time, I want to rip out my heart in jealousy. It is hard to fight those feelings of left behind. I am confident the Lord has a plan though. Even through this desert i feel in my heart and soul. I am not just saying that because it is the 'right' things to say, i really believe it...I mean, somewhere deep inside this thought waits to be proven right. Until then, I love, and cry.

Dedication

I was just chatting as I always do. What i was talking about seems so insignificant now compared to what i have seen. I can't even remember the subject matter. Cars I think maybe. It seems to be the hot topic in our home lately. The death of them all. Oh, how i wish we could all live with public transportation. Doesn't it just seem better? cheaper?

So drive we were as the sun was setting. I hate putting up a tent in the dark. But packing up always goes slow and two hours late was better than previous camping trips, so driving down the road on the path that leads to campfires and smores was great.

I was in mid-sentence about the cars when we saw him. "Wow!", was the response of my friend the driver. The picture only lasted about 5 seconds as we passed.

A muslim truck driver was performing his prayers for the day. It was 6:00 pm.

I once was at the library looking for a christian book to read. it was the fiction section, and there on the floor next to the collection of Grace Livingston novels was a man, bowing north east, towards Mecca. Right there in the library! It was 6:00 pm.

My friend, the driver, had never seen anyone pray like that before. He was drawn in. Stunned. Silenced. Because on the side of the busy highway this older gentleman pulled his semi truck off the road and onto the shoulder, to pray. "He didn't even get off on an exit", my friend said before admitting he could never do that.

Everyday muslims around the world stop what they are doing to pray to Allah, their god. It doesn't matter where they are or what they are doing. Eating, walking, picking out a library book, going for a bike ride, working, etc. I felt faulty.

I know God doesn't require me to pray starting at 6:00am and take time out of my schedule for Him all day. I know I am free to talk, or not talk to Him all day long. But that freedom has led me to silence with Him. At least having a ritual gives you boundaries and opportunities to speak with God. That I like, that I need.

I need to have a schedule, someone telling me when to eat, where to go, how to speak, and giving me time to pray. I, like a child, need boundaries. I don't trust myself to meet with the Lord when He calls. Because He calls often, but I am busy, or tired, or ______. As a Christian, shouldn't I ALWAYS want to pray and be close to the master? I mean, I can talk to Him at any time.

I guess I was just thinking, i know I should, but does that mean I would?

hidden raspberries

I decided today that i feel far from the Lord and I am not sure what to do with it. I want to be closer to Him. I long to know His secrets. But i feel stale. So i wake up each day and thank Him for breath, and try to deal with what happens for that day.

Today I went to church. As i listened to the normal 'good news' I left wanting more. They were having a church picnic today and everything in me wanted to leave from that point on. I was afraid I might get invited to go, and then i would have to come up with some excuse for not wanting to go. I found myself spending most of the service thinking up what I would say if someone did invite me and how i would word "no" so it would not be a lie. I don't think this is how Christ wanted His time to be spent. So i went raspberry picking.

It was great to go, I've been wanting to go for some time now. I missed my opportunity to plant my garden this year and it is so upsetting me. I love to eat the fruits of my labor. So, raspberries I picked. It was great. The day was warm, but not too warm. I shared the field with about 100 bee's and dozens of spiders. I even saw a frog. He was so cute! Like a tree frog. He jumped on my leg. It startled me and he jumped off, but he was so cute. I always love to pick raspberries at this farm not to far from our house. Every time I have been there I see at least one country something. Snakes, frogs, spiders...it is always fun and i can breath there.

As i was picking there weren't very many raspberries. The woman told me there weren't very many raspberries left, but to my surprise I found plenty. I started picking but she was right, there weren't very many, until I sat down. As i sat down, I looked up and there...there were all the raspberries hiding underneath the leaves. They were just waiting to be picked. It was strange how taking a different perspective on things was so, fruitful. It was true the whole time I picked. If I crouched down, I found the fruit.

Sometimes I just have to look at things differently to get the fruit.