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that is what my page says every time i start to write. And that has never been more appropriate than today. Many times in my life i feel there are things that happen to me that i can't explain or can't set a word to, today it was the same. Now, you might read this and think i am crazy. Today alone could fill a notebook full of thoughts. But this was just one.

Ryan had taken Eden for a walk to the Ranger station to pay for another nights stay in this Georgia paradise. On the way there, they got caught in the rain. They made it to the station and got stranded for some time. The biggest thunderstorm i have ever heard rolled in. I have seen a lot of storms in my time, they seem to follow us on the road for some reason, but this one, was soul shaking. There was no missing the lightening, and one would stop talking when the thunder spoke. I was in awe. I remembered a previous blog I wrote about God giving things like this, and people not paying attention. I can't imagine not paying attention to this one, it was interruptive.

I decided to go for a walk and take an umbrella to Ryan so he could leave the Ranger station. So i headed out. I didn't get very far when i ran into Ryan and Eden. They had decided they had waited long enough and just walked back in the rain. They were soaked. But i gave them the extra umbrella and decided to keep walking. I made my way to the shelter because i must admit i was afraid of getting struck by lighting on my umbrella. (This really was stupid because it was plastic on top, but the thunder was LOUD and scary!) So as i was sitting in the little area outside the bathrooms, i noticed something. I looked closer and said out loud, "NO WAY!". It was struggling so hard to get out of the rain. A praying mantis. it was stuck up against the cement of the parking lot, and making its way towards a puddle. I kept thinking it was better off staying close to the cement, it was wet, but it wasn't a puddle. I watched it for awhile and then decided i needed to rescue it. So i walked out in the rain with my umbrella and gave it shelter..."no more rain today little guy". I offered him my shoe, hoping it was smart enough to climb aboard. By this time it had been trying to swim in the pool of water it put itself in. After 2 failed attempts, he was on my shoe. I walked back to the shelter and he climbed off my shoe. He sat there a minute making sure he wasn't in danger. I think he was stunned about being rescued. Finally he turned his head and looked at me.

I don't know if you have ever had a praying mantis look at you or not, but it was a surreal thing for me. He sat there awhile, just looking. I think he was smiling. I told him he was welcome and that he would live to see another day. I knew he was thinking this was it for him, drowning in a puddle of water. He sat there and dried himself off. His glances made me smile. His glances made me cry. There was something about him i loved. He was so unique, different than other insects. He was tall, and had big beautiful eyes. His arms were long and he used them to walk meticulously. He not only walked, but had long wings hidden on his back. He could at any moment of danger, fly. Yet he remained, looking at me, from time to time. He was delicate, gentle. I was in love.

He started walking towards the doorway and i thought, "No! Don't go out there! I just saved you from that." but i watched as he walked over to the door frame and then turned and started crawling up it. Awesome. He was moving to higher ground.

As he walked he would stop and then look at me. With every look, i wished he was closer to me. I liked seeing him inches from me. I could see clearly his eyes and little tiny hands. He was awesome. He didn't owe it to me though. I mean, i know I saved his life, but that doesn't mean I get to put him in a jar and keep him. I want him to live FREE in this lush forest. He didn't have to do anything, I just wanted to watch him. i was in awe of him, and longed for him to be closer to me. I wondered where he lived and what he ate when he got hungry. When does he sleep? Who does he hang out with? Does he have other praying mantis friends? As i pondered these questions, and watched him, he did something horrible. He left my sight.

He took one last look at me and turned to the outside of the wall. I wanted to cry. No longer could i see him from afar, now i couldn't see him at all. That is when it hit me. The creator sees me. All that love, and more. I am the praying mantis.

i love ajax

a dance with Grace

today.

waking up to early i made my way down to breakfast. I lingered in bed praying my head ache away, all the while thinking of the so called 'greatest cinnamon rolls in town' that were just steps from my door at the high class Holiday Inn Express. I decided i had to pee, and the thought of coffee going down my throat and waring against my headache pushed me towards the door until i was sitting in the little room with a few others eagerly waiting the start of the day.

It is strange these continental breakfasts. They are really not that good. I mean, if you love generic cereal, suffacated boiled eggs, english muffins, or stale coffee, then these meals are for you. But i think the people are hoping no one will notice how bare the taste is because it is so early. Either way, i am always there. Because it is, well, free.

I love to get free stuff. I have lingered in conference halls until no one is watching just to pick up a free pen. wow. there i said it. That makes me feel a bit embarrassed. I don't really need another pen advertising a college, or a t-shirt that doesn't fit me, but I am always trying to get them. There is some kind of satisfaction is receiving something that i didn't have to pay for. As far as i know, everyone likes to get something free. A free meal, a free car wash, a free t-shirt, a free pair of shoe laces that comes with your shoes. Just a little something that makes you feel like you did something good, deserving. Something that makes me say inside, "YES! I got this, it is MINE, and I didn't pay for it!". I think i saw this 'free passion' in the movie Lord of the Rings. Something about a precious ring that eventually makes people go crazed. Well, i don't usually go crazy over my free pen (unless it glows when you push a button, illuminating the name of Jesus), in fact, i usually lose them before i even get on the bus. But that is not the point.

I am reading a book tonight called "Blue Like Jazz". No, it is not about Jazz, or being blue. I am not sure when the title will come into play, but it is about the journey we all go on while we discover Christ. And i do mean DISCOVER. I think there is a danger in thinking i know Christ, even just a little. It is dangerous for me to believe that reading, fasting, praying all the time or any other spiritual discipline with bring me closer to him. I know that he did these things, and that they are important, but i feel by doing them 'religiously', i am setting myself up for some HUGE let down. He is perfect. I am not. The author writes about how we all have a sinful nature. and to try to get rid of this, outside of Christ, is impossible. That Christ himself must be the reason that we CAN overcome our shortcomings. That we must realize we are fallen and we need a saviour. We just can't do it ourselves. That sucks, but it is so true. I left off when he was talking about grace. The item that most don't understand and few take part of.

I remember the first time i had sex. i wish i could say it was with my husband, but it wasn't. it was with a guy that was almost a stranger. i tried to talk myself into believing it was ok because my sister dated his brother once. and they went to church too, so this guy was ok, and the fact that he was always high really didn't matter. it was a time in my life when i was angry at God. life got me. it put a gun to my head and someone pulled the trigger. there were times i wish that image were real, but God had a different punishment for me. Grace. I learned about this thing called grace and i wondered how someone could just look at me while i am covered and layered with sin and see me as pure again. my name, kathlene, means 'pure one'. i felt guilty. i couldn't accept his grace. it didn't make sense.

I've always liked free stuff. But it seemed strange to me that the one big free thing i was given, i didn't want and couldn't accept. It hasn't been easy accepting this grace. not just for my sex sin, but for every single one of my sins. i know i am saved. i know i am washed clean. and honestly i don't walk around filled with this rock in my soul called guilt. i love living a free life. and i throw my rock of guilt in the river as often as i can. I just find it interesting that tons of people struggle with guilt and shame and are unwilling to marry them with grace and mercy. And isn't that what it is, a perfect marriage, one reminding me of Christ and myself? This marriage is the only place that is right for guilt. But it is a marriage he resists. He does a perfect ballroom dance with grace, impressing her with turns and dips, all the while trying not to get to close. Guilt seems so acceptable, so sophisticated, so cunning, hidden. But much to his surprise, at the end of the dance Grace leans in and gives Guilt a kiss. Not just any kiss, but the kiss of death, shattering light into it's inner core.

then...peace.

time

Time has a way of robbing our experiences with God.

And i wonder if that is why we never hear of God doing things today. Jesus healed so many people, changing their lives forever. But as they walked away (some for the first time in their life), they left the wonderland of fulfillment and miracles to join the tangible world where the enemy waits. The same is true for the miracles of today. Is Jesus forgotten? I don't think that is possible, the healed legs, eyes, lives are proof that he was here. But as a moment turns to minutes turn to hours turn to days turn to weeks turn to years, the stories, they get confused, skewed, changed, and suddenly people are not even sure of what they experienced. Maybe it was a dream. Maybe it was a fairy tale. Our memory forgets him, and his miracles are squashed by the realities of life that set in. we need to pay rent. we need gas for our car, food for our table, clothes for our nakedness, books for school, litter for our bunny, someone needs to mow the grass........Time is the enemy of remembrance.