27

I was sitting here checking my email when i noticed one from a faithful friend of years ago. He always sends me a letter or note on the day my parents died, July 27th. I saw that he wrote me and actually wondered what he was writing about, and that is when the date hit me. You see, today is the 29th, and i forgot.

I feel a bit sick to my stomach right now remembering that I forgot about the day that changed my life. As i cry, it isn't because I am sad about the accident, or being left alone, but because I can't believe i really forgot. Most people when faced with crisis have this number of the day burned into thier minds. mine is 27. so whenever that number comes up anywhere, at any time i remember. i know my sister does, and probably my brothers and a lot of other family members. And me...for the most part.

As i look back on the 27th of this week, i was standing in my kitchen and cooking most of the day. I made quiche, wheat free cookies and carrot bread. I made two kinds of hummus, eggplant dip, and grape juice, not to mention coffee which was a given. I was listening to music and remembering how mom used to cook for us, making us goodies all day. I smiled, not realizing 14 years ago she took her last breath. She used to sing in the kitchen, and many of our talks took place there. i would sit on the counter and put my feet on the cupboard door beneath me until my dad would tell me to move my feet. He knew i would one day break it. A day spent in memories as i mixed the sugar with the eggs. I just remember feeling peace two days ago, and smiling a lot.

Ironically, i had dinner with my Uncle and Aunt the day before this. They were passing through and talked me into going to dinner with them. It was great BBQ, but the stories couldn't compare. I asked my uncle if he had ever punched anyone. He thought and then started laughing. He wasn't going to share, but Laura told him i would laugh and love the story. So he shared the story of a wedding night reception a long time ago. My parents were split up at the time, i might not have even been born. My mother was at a wedding reception with the rest of her family (brothers and sisters) and my dad came around drunk. He was making lude comments and so much so that my uncle punched him right in the face. My dad fell on the ground and one of my other uncles started beating him. This might not sound funny to you, but if you knew my uncle Gordon, or my uncle Stan, you would think this was hillarious. I did, and i still laugh thinking about it. My dad loved my mom, but he probably deserved that beating.

It is strange how so many memories pass on these days without even knowing the date. I was so concerned about missing my brothers 40th birthday, that i ...well....i guess i forgot. Is that ok? does that mean something? does that mean my love for my parents is fading or lost? I feel as though in some small way i have disrespected them, or the day of thier birth into the afterlife. I know i havent done any of that. I have not done anything wrong. But in one moment, my heart beats faster, my eyes swell up...is it hard to breath in here?

I do miss my parents. I was thinking the other day about how strange it would be to go to thier house and visit or have dinner. Or to take my friends or husband to meet them. To sit in my old room and crawl out onto the roof. watch the stars--wait for the falling ones. My mom was a bad cook and i never noticed. my dad smoked behind the barn and everyone pretended like we didn't know. my dad called my mom "legs" and kissed her while she pretended not to like it. She always had certs in her purse and lipstick on her coffee cups. ah yes...the faint smell of cheap avon perfume. dad drank iced tea and had potoes with every meal...everyday. Mom loved God way to much, and dad just wanted to be loved. Misdirected money, mowed yard, homemade clothes and comb over hair. My parents were the most interesting people i now know. None of this was known while they were alive.

It really isn't until something is gone that you notice the life that was in it. Until something is forgotten...and then remembered.

lost in chaos

i love the chaos, and hate the change. even when i know that things will get better, more peaceful possibly, it doesn't matter to me. At times i would rather sit in the middle of the chaotic road, with people passing by, and cars rushing at me, then go to a place of rest and watch others in the chaos.

What is it about me that doesn't like the change?

I feel like i have been in a dream these last few days. my mind is a cloud and i can't figure out what to do. I sit and watch people pass by me in the kitchen, in the living room, in the den, yet i just sit and watch. i don't feel like getting up. this dream state is my residence and i just don't feel like moving. i am stuck. at least for a few days.

My hands are tied, and i look down to see nothing holding them. huh, frustrating. that must mean it is about me. This is never good. My will is stronger than my desire to make the right decisions. I sit in a meeting and allow my words to cut like daggers for some reason. i don't feel like i am being rude, but my roommates, my colleagues tell me otherwise with their eyes. and words. But frozen i am. waiting for another moment to screw up with my silence, or not silence. Maybe he was right, maybe we are changing in ways i don't like. Values, things we never thought we would do...we walk into. But i trust them.

I don't like talking about a future i am uncertain of. or one that i don't feel like i have a say in. again i am lost in what God has for us, vs. what i would like to see.

i can not get out of the chaos. nor can i control it. i just pray that in the midst of it i don't get hit by the oncoming traffic.

one more for the road

The song that was sang to Johnny Carson on his last episode. It always reminds me of sadness, things ending. it is the song that comes for those who are closing a chapter in their book of life, to move onto the next chapter. I don't like ending these chapters, as they seem to be closing faster than i can keep up with. Yet, I know God has a great ending to this story if only i can hold on. Tony and Court, without even knowing it, you are one page away from ending this chapter. It has been a good chapter, not a perfect one, but one spent with goodness, with fondness. As i long for those days of closeness, i move on in my reality that people change, and i can't control life that goes on around me.

When i was younger, one of my favorite things to play was people. You know, the play school wooden (now they are plastic and bigger) little people that came with a castle or a boat or a barn or a house. (all of which i had thanks to my mom's garage sale expertise.) Despite having all of these buildings, i usually would set up camp on this bookshelf we had. It wasn't a bookshelf to me, it was an apartment building. Where 6 families could live. Some slept, some ate food, worked, and some fell in love. It was a beautiful world created by me. As i remember, no one ever died. No one ever left. There was a fight every now and then (everyone needs drama) but it was usually a jealousy thing that ended with hugs and new shoes. The world was perfect.

I guess there wasn't a forbidden tree in my land of little people. No freedom of choice. No real love or passion, just wooden people waiting for my every move.

It is hard to push through these deep feelings of abandonment and loss. Especially when it is chosen by others. Yet, a small, very small flicker is lighting something in me.

I think of my past and long for it. the good old days, but i think that is not where i need to be. my past is only created by the memories in my mind, not interpreted as truth to my heart. I only remember the happy, good things, which i think is a gift at times, but at other times, it makes it hard to enjoy the present and look forward to the future.

As my heart aches for those who have left, i cling to Christ's promises of the future. Where all things will be made new, and put together in perfection. I think the bible says, "made complete" which reminds me of restoration. All things restored. Things i long for.

Someone once said, "it is better to love and lost than to never love at all". I don't know who that was, but i think it is true. I would never want to change any of the time i have spent with tony, or any of those who have moved on, but the loss...it feels like freezing rain on my skin.

Jesus hates me.

ok, so i know he doesn't really hate me. but i wonder why he is always wanting me to do difficult things. I love him, but i think he keeps asking me to do things..like live, and forgive, and love. those things were a great idea a few years back when all i had to do was preach them. I wish i was one of those people that forgave asap, but lately, it is getting harder. we are of the same tree, yet...ugh. keep breathing i must. my confusing blog.

oh, and tonight i choked on my snot during our final song....twice.


the joys of working through forgiveness and loss.

birthday wishes..

I was greeted last night at 12:01 with a misunderstanding between myself and another friend and I thought, is this what my birthday holds for me? So I fall to sleep hoping it would get better. I had already known that Laura, Eden and Matt would not be traveling with us, and that my whole birthday would be spent traveling the 12 hours home in the bus. So, i wasn't really expecting much to be honest. It is no ones fault, there is just only so much people can do on the bus for that long.

I woke up at 7am as Laura gave me a kiss goodbye and wished me a happy day. Matt was also happy to be getting off the bus, and wished me happiness as he left. It made me smile back into dreaming. I woke up when the bus started moving again and went to the front of the bus to see Ryan driving. He was tired, and i thought it was Tony's turn, but he said no one was awake and so he just started driving. ugh. I tried to keep him awake, ha ha, and finally convinced him to pull over and wake up Tony. Back to sleep for me. Then i awoke from a disturbing dream. As i tried to shake it off I fell asleep again. Once more I woke with a not happy dream. And then a third time. By the time that one came, i decided I had better just stay awake. I walked out and Drew was awake smiling at me. the best present i could ask for.

Drew and I watched about 4 episodes of America's Top Model on VH1 and then it was his turn to drive. But as we were sitting there, I kept missing call after call from people wishing me Happy Birthday. I think i got at least 6 or 7 songs, and 10-15 messages, and I began to be amazed. Who in the world takes the time to call ME on my birthday?? I am loved.

It is amazing to me how I could feel like this birth-day wont be that fun, or mean that much because we are on the road, and then be proved wrong by all the people that love me. I also know that I started getting birthday blessings last week and they will continue throughout next week. As for today I was blessed by the songs, even just the thoughts of me. I joke around about my birthday letting everyone know it is coming, and telling them what i want etc. but truthfully, i am just happy to be alive. And the REAL truth is that i get spoiled all the time by my friends, my family, and especially drew and this makes my birthday not seem so special. I mean, it is, but I am constantly blessed. I minister to people for a living, I get to go to Colorado this month-and every year, I was on the east coast Atlantic for 2 weeks! I caught fire flies with drew the night before we left for this trip, which was SO much fun and something I will never forget, and the list goes on and on. I AM BLESSED.

So thank you for going through the pain mom. I am glad I am here, and I am glad that God has put so many people in my life who love me everyday. I have heard it said that Mary the mother of Christ was the most blessed among women, but I am not so sure...cuz I sure feel like it is me.