The dove's twig

Have you ever had those moments when something happens, but it is so cool, it almost seems like a dream? I experienced that very thing this morning. Drew and i were on our way to the office to load up and leave for MO for the week. We were discussing things that are happening in our lives that are hard to deal with, and frustrating. It seems we have these on going conversations about life and we give them all to Jesus and then wait for him to fix them, but for some reason he doesn't . We were talking over why he doesn't fix things for us, in our time, and then i noticed something. It came and went so quickly i wasn't sure it had even happened. I looked up as we were passing a traffic light, and i saw a dove. Not just a regular bird, but a huge, white, dove flying over us. He had something in it's mouth as if he was taking it to his nest somewhere close by. He was carrying a branch with small blue berries on them. And then he was gone. I almost dismissed it like I do any other bird i see because it really isn't that unusual to see a bird fly over you. But there was something different about this one. It seemed to carry something other than just a branch, it seemed to carry purpose.

I was taken back to Noah and the ark and the people on the ark. I was thinking how frustrating it must have been to be on the ark for months at a time. The bible tells us it was at least 40 days without even seeing the sunlight. All stuck in a boat swaying back and forth on waves, filled with the smell of animals, and each other. I bet they were a bit frustrated by the end of it, or maybe even the middle. I am guessing they just wanted off that prison so they could run! But they were stuck. Being stuck, well, sucks. But we have all been there, in that waiting place. We have all been at a place in our lives where we are waiting and waiting, and waiting for God to do something. We pray daily for Him to make the floods go away, and raise up fresh land for us. I can't imagine stepping off the ark into a new world filled with lush grounds and adventure.

Yet, here I am waiting. "Give us a sign Lord!" I exclaim. And then, He did. "Hold on child, the flood is almost over".

wedding scramble

It was a busy morning as everyone hustled around getting ready for the wedding. BJ seemed untouched by the nerves that were in the house. He had dated Allison for years, been engaged for 23 months, and finally the day was here. His mother hurried about the house gathering her makeup to put on the faces of the bridesmaids once we got to the church. Her daughter Shannon could be heard trying to coral her 2 daughters, Grace 5 and Faith 2. Her husband Steve was trying to calm the crying baby, Noah, who desperately just wanted to be fed by his mother. Ah yes, the sounds of a wedding morning.

I could be found in the borrowed bedroom trying to catch a moment of silence. Everything seemed hurried, but then i heard little Faith in the hallway trying to ask her father something. "Daddy! Daddy!" Faith said. "Yes Faith?" Steve replied still thinking about Noah. "Why do you love me?". Faith had no idea what a profound question that was, nor was Steve ready for it. He replied staling, "Why do i love you?" "yeah" "well...because." Steve thought that answer would be good enough, but he was wrong, the silence stated so. So he continued to tell her, "Because, you are beautiful." Again, I was stealing a moment that was not meant for me. God allows me for some reason to do this at times. I was there, in the midst of them hearing intimate things. After that answer, everything started up again, the crying, hustling, the confusion. But for one moment, Faith was heard, Faith was restored.

"Because you are beautiful" wasn't really the answer I was looking for. At first I wasn't sure I liked it, I thought, couldn't he have said, "Because you are God's child, or because you are my daughter" I thought, what happens when her beauty fades? But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that is the perfect answer. What other words could he have possibly used to answer the perfect creation of Faith?
Beauty is more than outside adornment. It runs deep. It shows the character of the Father.

Amazing to me how God can bring Himself so close to my face in the middle of a morning. I thought of the times i have felt so alone. Times when I believed no one loves me, feelings of not being accepted by anyone. I thought of little Faith and how one day someone is going to tell her she is not beautiful and she will believe them. God created each of us so uniquely. In the midst of the wedding, with beauty all around us, roses, white dresses, candles lit, there were dozens of children longing to ask that question of their maker. "Father, why do you love me?" I must admit I fear the question at times, because i fear the answer at times. I don't want to ask a question that will not be answered, or answered with 'I don't' , or with 'just because'. But I don't think that will be the answer. I think God sees us a bit differently than we see ourselves. And I praise Him for that.

When we commune with the Lord, he doesn't want us to just eat the bread, and drink the wine. Commune means talk to, relate with, remember, understand. So every time we commune with Him, the maker, I pray we will come boldly to Him and ask "why O Lord, do you love ME?" and we will sit and hear him say back to us, "I DO love you, because child, you are mine, you are chosen, you are...beautiful."

Why the fruit?

When i see something i want, i have to have it. what is it in me that makes me this way? I wonder if God designed us to feel the NEED for things that we really don't even need. I sit here 'needing' a new white shirt to go with my pants i just bought a few weeks ago. I have a shirt, but it is long sleeve and wont do for the summer. honestly i have been wearing the same dress clothes for probably 7 years. I don't dress up that much, so why buy new clothes? but as i walked out of the Gap (just dropping in there to see what was on sale) with 3 new shirts because they were only $5 each, i wondered, "what am i doing?". I didn't NEED them. I don't NEED much. Yet I sat at the table today and filled in the blanks of my never ending checkbook and watched my money be organized away. Over things, i don't need.

My pastor talked about giving this Sunday. I usually don't like to hear those lessons, but than i guess, who does. Typically i think i am a good giver. I don't usually fee like i need to give more than i already do. They are doing a campaign to raise money for a few new buildings. The title for it is, "Possessing the Land", and the sermon was on "Equal Sacrifice-Not Equal Gifts". I don't think i equally sacrifice with people. I don't believe i wait for much of anything. Yes yes, i can't go buy a car, or an i-pod, but if i want a soda, i buy one. If i want a new shirt and it is under $15, i buy it. That is not sacrifice. And then i was thinking about the Garden of Eden. Eve saw something she couldn't have, and she wanted it. And she knew God said, "trust me, that is not good for you, so don't touch it", but she still wanted it. I wonder how long she stood and stared at that tree allowing the enemy to taunt her thoughts. She must have weighed out the good and the bad, thinking that it couldn't hurt that much. It seems the things we think will only affect us, soon take root and affect everyone around us, changing things forever. Things we might never see. So she gives in, and eats. I wonder if her face was still sticky with fruit as she hid from her Creator. He still loves. And I still stare at the things i must have.

My Shrink

Yup, i know, don't fall over, but today i went to meet my 'counselor'. I have been debating for years now my need to talk to a stranger about my life. I would think I needed it, and then i would have a good day and think, naw..i will wait. And to be honest, a part of me thinks that because i am married to drew and he has a counseling degree that he could help me. And when we first got married, he did. and honestly, he still helps a lot, but I just decided i needed to go. In a way, I want to experience what i tell so many people to do.

I have been fearful because my first experience was not so good. I decided a month after my parents died that i should talk to someone. so i went to the counseling center at CMU and they gave me a man to talk to. He asked me why i was there and i told him and he started crying because a few days earlier he had lost his father. So he was crying and i was like, "ok..uh..now what do i do?" so i left and never went back again.

So, here I am. Her name is Marcia Lama, and she reminds me of Mrs. Doubtfire, well, actually, she reminds me of my friend's therapist. She is older, with the soothing office, werthers on the coffee table, pictures of soft flowers, and the couch. She met me at the window where I signed in and handed me 10 pages of things to fill out. so i began to write my lifes story and didn't finish until i was sitting in her office and she was helping me. I answered questions like what are the names of my parents, do I or have i ever done drugs, how often, what kind, am i addicted, is anyone in my family addicted, abused, etc. What are my health issues, headaches, and what are my hobbies. After filling out the forms, she went through and asked me why i answered things the way i answered them. Basically, i was just telling her about my life. I explained why my life is stressful, or why i feel sad at times, or feel anxious etc.

I liked her. It was really a get to know you session, and i go back to meet again on Monday. I am excited about it actually. I am anxious to hear what she has to say to me. I am hoping she will give me things to work on, homework, and she will teach me to be a better person. I am just so thankful for God directing me to the right person. I hope it continues to feel that way. But mostly i just think it is cool that i can now say, "Well, my therapist says..."

The Weeping Woman

Yesterday onetimeblind spent the whole day in New York City. We had so much fun and our day was filled with laughter on every corner. We started out by walking to Times Square and catching the subway to Grand Central Station. We then took the subway to the bottom of Manhattan to visit the Statue of Liberty. When we finished there, we took a train to the Village, Washington Square Park, Little Italy, Central Park, St. Patrick's Cathedral, Rockefeller Center and finally ending up in Times Square again that night. We were told it would rain, but it only came when we were eating lunch and a little sprinkle at the park.

We all agreed that yesterday was a day where time seemed strange to us. By the time we got to Central Park, we had thought we had seen the Statue of Liberty the day before. And with every moment came a million drops of laughter and memories. Except one moment. The moment where everything stopped.

I had never taken the boat to the island before, so it was a new and exciting thing for me. I had been told it wasn't a big deal, but I thought it was one of the best parts of the trip. We walked to the pier to get our tickets and us girls needed to take a restroom break. When I washed my hands I noticed an older woman, probably in her sixties, air drying her hands and walking out. She looked Italian and was just as disturbed by the dirty bathroom as I was. But this was New York, and in Battery Park, so I didn't expect much more. As she walked away, I thought about how many different cultures are in New York. It is so amazing. Earlier in the day, we saw a school bus full of Jewish men. Ryan and Laura were crossing the street and they almost got hit by the bus. One would think God's chosen would be a bit kinder, but, I guess everyone has a schedule to keep.

We boarded the boat that crossed the waters to see the Statue of Liberty up close. I took pictures the whole way so I could get a good feel for how far away we really were on land. The boat was filled with people of every nation it seemed, and all of us seemed to have questions. "Are we stopping at the Statue first, or Ellis Island?" ,a man next to us asked. My friend replied, "I think they are the same island.". He was wrong, and the kind gentleman shortly told him so. Laura got sea sick on the trip, but I loved it. I liked getting closer the the lady who represents freedom to us all.

We stepped onto the island, and much to my surprise, it was filled with buildings. Gift shops, refreshments, workers buildings, etc. We walked to a tent that was filled with souvenirs and as I approached it, I noticed the Italian woman from earlier walking past me quickly, her face looked strange. I followed her back to a small sitting area. I was just wanting to make sure she was ok. It looked like she was going to cry, but I wasn't sure. I took a picture. I know I shouldn't have, I broke into her private moment and stole from it, but I didn't want to forget, and I knew I was learning something. I started walking towards her to ask if I could help somehow. Her husband past me and reached her first at which time I decided this moment wasn't really to include me. He talked to her. Stood above her. Sat next to her. And she cried.

As I walked away, I started crying. I knew the group would wonder where I was and what I was doing, so I tried to catch up. But I couldn't stop wondering why this woman was crying. It made me wonder if this moment, seeing the Statue of Liberty, to her, was worth more than the $3 magnet at the gift shop. I wondered if for her, it meant freedom. Maybe she came to America to have a free life and to start over. Maybe she misses her family that she left behind, and her husband can do nothing but tell her they made the right move. Maybe she is being ridiculed for leaving her country, and her family wont speak to her or her children any more. She cried.

I know the tears could have meant anything that day. But for some reason, I just felt they meant something dear, something precious. She knows something I could not possibly understand. She worked for something I inherited. She understands the cost of freedom. I walked on and stood in line to watch 100 lbs of pressure form an image of the Statue of Liberty on my penny. God bless the USA.