April 30, 2005 Conyers GA
It is raining, and i am sneezing. It is the first thunderstorm of the season and I love it. I saw the lighting a bit this morning and heard the thunder roll. It was great except for the fact that i didn't want to get out of bed. So i took my shower and crawled back in for 5 to 10 minute increments until I had to get ready.
I feel tired. The past week has not been very fun for me. I don't usually like to talk about my 'hard times' because i don't feel like they are as hard as other people's. I know that sounds stupid, but I guess i just look around and think, i know i feel sad or upset, but compared to other people's lives, my 'troubles' seem...I don't know the word.
Yesterday i wondered if Mother Theresa ever felt sad, or frustrated. I heard one time that her feet were deformed because she would give up her shoes for others. And when she would finally get a pair, they would be too small, which eventually, deformed her feet. I wonder if she regretted that ever. Or just felt like giving up. But then again, she was always surrounded with people dying, and she had life. So maybe she had a constant reminder of her blessing of life. She would spend day after day serving, without complaint. Very remarkable. But it is in these times that i wish I could know her. i mean not like the Mother Theresa saint that everyone 'knows', but the real her. To hear how she dealt with days of frustration and sadness. I know she must have had them.
As i sat in my bunk all day on Thursday, i just wanted a place to be alone and cry, and think. One of the bad things about travel, ministry, and living constantly with 6 other people. Everyone wanted me to know they loved me, and i did know that. But i still just need time. I just needed to sit with Jesus awhile. We were silent for a long time. I thought about how people have had experiences with the Lord in times of silence and 'trouble'. So i waited. But nothing happened. No revelation, no words, no hand holding, no peace. The only thing i felt like i was left with was my determination to continue this journey.
Peeling away piece by piece to get to the raw goodness of it all.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Sunday, April 24, 2005
spin, spin, spin
Spinning out of control:
I sat in the church as i watched Eden spin. She has been spinning a lot lately, just for fun. She turns her body and flies her arms round and round until she finally falls over in laughter. And i tried to spin with her, to quickly find out she spins longer than i do. I get dizzy before she does and wonder if it is because she is closer to the ground? And my spinning doesn't end with giggles, but with this feeling of nausea. So as i sat and tried to not puke I watched her spin more. More spinning. More giggling. And that is when i began to wonder, at what age did i stop liking the feeling of being out of control?
I remember being a child and flipping on this bar thing that was in our back yard. It was really a large pipe from an old well, but to me, it was a playground. I would spin and spin on that thing as the old paint chipped off into my palms. I didn't mind, i was out of control. I would eventually let go and land on the ground watching the clouds spiral around me. And i smiled. Why did I smile? Why did i like that? I am still not sure.
But my real question is, when did i STOP liking it? At what point in my life did i decide feeling out of control wasn't fun? It could have been when i wanted more independence. I got a 'real' job working at Ponderosa Steakhouse when i was a sophomore in high school. Yes, i was the buffet queen, honestly, I was one of the best, and i took pride in always having the potatoes full and the bread hot. And every friday, i would get paid. A real paycheck that i could spend how ever I wanted. I remember buying my first 'stereo' and my first c.d. (they had just come out you know!), The Little Mermaid soundtrack. Embarrassing i know, but true. I thought i was the coolest. I then 'stepped up' to working at JC Penny's in the jewelry department and I bought a few gaudy pieces, because, why not? It was the 80's and I was starting to be cool. I was working, and it was MY money, right? And then...i was off, Independence. I was in control.
At some point several years later i recognized that I wasn't supposed to be in control. That was sort of foreign to me, and liberating. I was supposed to be making my decisions based on God? hmmmm. I had to think about that, but began i slow process of actually trying it. I gave Him a few decisions to see if He could handle it, and i couldn't believe it when He could. Now it seems i struggle to allow the Lord to take back the control that i stole from Him. I lost my focus thinking i could make the rules and the decisions. ugh. backtracking is not fun. Relearning, rethinking, retraining, is not fun.
And what is up with the falling? Who laughs when they fall? Yet giggles galour is what i heard coming from Eden. What was she trying to tell me, that falling is fun? I don't think that was it. Maybe it is more than the fall. I have watched Eden get hit in the head from lack of feet control probably 100 times, i mean, give her a break, she is one. But she keeps going, keeps giggling. Strange. So it has to be more than just the temporary pain of the fall. Yes, yes, she has a diaper to cushion her, but I don't think she cares. I think she just likes to feel, well, out of control.
But if only I could somehow get back those feelings of spinning round and round. If there was a way to reach out and say, "My arms are out, i am going around AND it will be ok when i fall!". But instead, I avoid falling as much as possible. I avoid the point where i sit still because i have to, I can't walk; too dizzy.
Where is my giggle i long for? I believe it is lost in the spin I am fearful of.
I sat in the church as i watched Eden spin. She has been spinning a lot lately, just for fun. She turns her body and flies her arms round and round until she finally falls over in laughter. And i tried to spin with her, to quickly find out she spins longer than i do. I get dizzy before she does and wonder if it is because she is closer to the ground? And my spinning doesn't end with giggles, but with this feeling of nausea. So as i sat and tried to not puke I watched her spin more. More spinning. More giggling. And that is when i began to wonder, at what age did i stop liking the feeling of being out of control?
I remember being a child and flipping on this bar thing that was in our back yard. It was really a large pipe from an old well, but to me, it was a playground. I would spin and spin on that thing as the old paint chipped off into my palms. I didn't mind, i was out of control. I would eventually let go and land on the ground watching the clouds spiral around me. And i smiled. Why did I smile? Why did i like that? I am still not sure.
But my real question is, when did i STOP liking it? At what point in my life did i decide feeling out of control wasn't fun? It could have been when i wanted more independence. I got a 'real' job working at Ponderosa Steakhouse when i was a sophomore in high school. Yes, i was the buffet queen, honestly, I was one of the best, and i took pride in always having the potatoes full and the bread hot. And every friday, i would get paid. A real paycheck that i could spend how ever I wanted. I remember buying my first 'stereo' and my first c.d. (they had just come out you know!), The Little Mermaid soundtrack. Embarrassing i know, but true. I thought i was the coolest. I then 'stepped up' to working at JC Penny's in the jewelry department and I bought a few gaudy pieces, because, why not? It was the 80's and I was starting to be cool. I was working, and it was MY money, right? And then...i was off, Independence. I was in control.
At some point several years later i recognized that I wasn't supposed to be in control. That was sort of foreign to me, and liberating. I was supposed to be making my decisions based on God? hmmmm. I had to think about that, but began i slow process of actually trying it. I gave Him a few decisions to see if He could handle it, and i couldn't believe it when He could. Now it seems i struggle to allow the Lord to take back the control that i stole from Him. I lost my focus thinking i could make the rules and the decisions. ugh. backtracking is not fun. Relearning, rethinking, retraining, is not fun.
And what is up with the falling? Who laughs when they fall? Yet giggles galour is what i heard coming from Eden. What was she trying to tell me, that falling is fun? I don't think that was it. Maybe it is more than the fall. I have watched Eden get hit in the head from lack of feet control probably 100 times, i mean, give her a break, she is one. But she keeps going, keeps giggling. Strange. So it has to be more than just the temporary pain of the fall. Yes, yes, she has a diaper to cushion her, but I don't think she cares. I think she just likes to feel, well, out of control.
But if only I could somehow get back those feelings of spinning round and round. If there was a way to reach out and say, "My arms are out, i am going around AND it will be ok when i fall!". But instead, I avoid falling as much as possible. I avoid the point where i sit still because i have to, I can't walk; too dizzy.
Where is my giggle i long for? I believe it is lost in the spin I am fearful of.
it has been awhile..
Yes, it has been awhile. I have been so preoccupied with the project we are working on for otb that i haven't taken any time to blog. ugh. but such is life. we are having a great time out here on the road with our friend Johanna. She rocks, and it has been great to have her spirit with us. I am not sure we have all laughed this hard in some time. but God is so good in bringing things together. We are trying to get her to stay longer. we are secretly stealing her away forever....well, that is the plan anyway.
but now it is 2:32 and i am super tired. I am in Minnesota staying at a Salvation Army Camp. It is more like a resort. we are staying on the second floor and have a view of the awesome lake. we also have a fire place and drew started the fire earlier. I closed the door because it was getting cold in here, but that was a mistake because now our room is filled with smoke. But it still smells of camp fire, which is one of my favorite smells.
i would love to write more..but sleep i must. we are going to matt's tomorrow for a cookout. yummy. but that means i have to get up early.
the fire is slowly dying, as is my computer battery.
but now it is 2:32 and i am super tired. I am in Minnesota staying at a Salvation Army Camp. It is more like a resort. we are staying on the second floor and have a view of the awesome lake. we also have a fire place and drew started the fire earlier. I closed the door because it was getting cold in here, but that was a mistake because now our room is filled with smoke. But it still smells of camp fire, which is one of my favorite smells.
i would love to write more..but sleep i must. we are going to matt's tomorrow for a cookout. yummy. but that means i have to get up early.
the fire is slowly dying, as is my computer battery.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Too Much Coffee & I Must Pee
I have been crazy busy with no time to write. this often makes me feel a bit tense but I am trying to not stress out ...ooo that stupid kitchen is calling me. I need dish soap to do my dishes, and i need juice to health my insides. But i am sad that i missed the visit with my friends the armstrongs. i love them so much, and miss them. But as i was sitting on the couch yesterday still feeling sick, i was thankful for time alone. So i hope to see them again soon.
it seems there is always lots going on, but i can't really put my finger on what it is. except that drew is still sleeping, kelly works too many mornings, jason is leaving soon, eden had her first ice cream cone yesterday, i almost had my laundry done when i found more dirty clothes, my computer is super loud, God is ALWAYS amazing me, I still have an easter basket to deliver, i should shower, finish emails from January-ugh, when am I going to work out?, I have 2 movies from family.org but can't watch them because they are 2 parters and i only have the second part..i DON"T recommend renting there, but it was free, oh, and i have to pee. I made quiche (sp?) this morning, and forgot to put the ham in it, so now it is veggie. But this is my life. and to be honest, i kinda like it. ok, really...i have to pee
it seems there is always lots going on, but i can't really put my finger on what it is. except that drew is still sleeping, kelly works too many mornings, jason is leaving soon, eden had her first ice cream cone yesterday, i almost had my laundry done when i found more dirty clothes, my computer is super loud, God is ALWAYS amazing me, I still have an easter basket to deliver, i should shower, finish emails from January-ugh, when am I going to work out?, I have 2 movies from family.org but can't watch them because they are 2 parters and i only have the second part..i DON"T recommend renting there, but it was free, oh, and i have to pee. I made quiche (sp?) this morning, and forgot to put the ham in it, so now it is veggie. But this is my life. and to be honest, i kinda like it. ok, really...i have to pee
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