Sunday, March 26, 2006

Johanna B

I am sitting here (as my usual blog time, sunday driving home from a show) and watching Johanna sit in the shadows and work on her computer at the table and I am reminded of how blessed we are. I don't usually single people out to blog about, especially knowing all of you (and her) read this, BUT i just feel the need to express.

Something looks different. As i look at her, I see, a woman. An independent woman sits with confidence and gesture. She is beginning to understand who she is and why she is, and in that reflection shows me who I am. I see provision on her as she sits and types. Often I find her sitting curled up just looking at the world passing us by. As the rest of us pull the blinders down not to notice. beauty missed. We don't have time to enjoy sunsets and passing travelers. But not Johanna, she SEEs life out of eyes filled with beauty. She is hard on herself, but that is because her heart longs to be closer to Him. He has called her to such greatness, to which she has overly proven that seat. He smiles. and watches her dance. for Him.

Her stage presence was different this weekend. She walked with firm feet. She stood tall like the trees of Lebanon. She smiled. And was a bit feisty. Which i liked.

I said the other day that i wanted Hanna's laugh as my "you've got mail" sound. I told Drew that no matter what kind of mood i am in, her laugh WILL make me smile. i think he is now trying to figure out how to make this recording happen ;).

I think beauty is rare in a way. I mean, it IS all around us, lying unnoticed. but when beauty is discovered by beauty....i think this would happen more often if I would remember to keep the shades up.

so....just know Johanna, we are so blessed to have you with us.

I am blessed to jump in the ocean with you

and take walks & talks.

I am blessed to eat with you

and hear your laugh.

I am blessed by your sweet beckoning spirit that reminds me to look deep & keep learning.

I am blessed to watch you love on others,

and be loved.

I am blessed to call you friend.

Hanging with you is like eating superman ice cream with bubble gum pieces.

<3 kat

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

F Words

i Found myself waking this morning to the need to start the day. i picked up my phone to look at the time and it Fell out of my hands and onto the Floor.

i sighed as my insides told me, today is going to be an F day.

pulling myself out of bed, i moved Forward and downward to pour myself some juice. after which i decided to make a latte. my brother was up...he always makes me laugh. i poured the milk, it was sour. using another gallon i started to steam. half way through it stopped steaming. mid steam. there is nothing worse on a cold morning than luke warm coffee.

F day.

my starbucks brother told me to clean the wand, it had lime i guess, so i Followed instructions and went Forth. an hour later i was sipping a hot latte. i decided to Finish the First project i had to do today. i am sending out shower invites For my sister-in-law, aiko.

i sat to check my email, surf For a Few items on the web to help me with some things and i notice my mail isn't sending. no internet. not sure why. i guess it just decided to not work. so i moved on. what else can you do? the printer.

two hours later i decided i wasn't smarter than the printer, it had won, and i made the call. my personal computer guy isn't like most, he is one of my best Friends, and i am thankful, and grateful, and blessed by him. he Fixed my printer problem in 15 minutes.

with everything printed i started to put it all together, that is when i got up to pee and noticed i had stepped in ajax poop. typically this isn't bad, his poops are hard and small like a ball, but we have been Feeding him greens and i guess they went through him because it was soft, and squishy on the Floor. but i didn't notice until i was out of the bathroom Finding poop on the carpet, wall, and on my shoe. (don't ask how it got on the wall...still not sure)

it was almost Five and i was supposed to go to church with a Friend. i wanted to go, but i had set a few realistic goals (realistic before all the problems) to get done before i left, all of which i could not do (see above). i really didn't have time to go, but i Felt i should, so i wasn't sure what to do. seeing me struggle, kelly and drew told me to not go. so i called my Friend whom i never see and told her i wasn't going to make it. i started to explain, and my call was dropped.

F day.

i threw my phone (very mature i know) and stormed upstairs, slamming my door and collapsing on my bed in tears. i hid under the covers begging the Lord to end the world. nothing. so i got up, told drew i was leaving and took the car. i drove to my Friends church and circled the parking lot until i decided to just go in. i felt 'led'.

she was surprised and that was nice. we settled in to the bible study only to find out the topic was on.....money.

F day.

seriously, did i really need a lesson on right spending when i have been trying to Figure out how i am going to pay my dental bill? the Lord had just provided For me the night before, covering my First appointment, so i thought, i might as well stay. i had to anyway, i didn't want to let down my Friend, and i drove all that way.

the lesson was Fine. the typical things, don't have a credit card, don't be rich, share your money, you are more rich than most in the world, etc etc. then their was worship. there was a moment...breath.

i prayed For Jesus to come back, to which he Failed to do. and so i decided that two hours were enough to let drew worry about me. i asked my Friend to call drew (i left without my phone) to let him know i was stopping for gas and then i would be home. i left.

i decided to take the back roads. i made it to michigan ave. then it went into gear, then out, stuck clutch, pulled over. Deep breaths. the clutch was stuck. it was stuck to the Floor.

F day.

i tried to put the emergency Flashers on. they were broke.

F day! F day!

cars going around me, i put my turn signal on and turned off the car. turn signal off. ok, so i guess the car has to be on for the turn signal to work. so i turn the car back on and walk to the gas station next to where i was parked. i was sure it was closed but it was open. this wasn't the best corner for me to break down on. lots of truckers, scary people. i had no phone.

F day. F day. F day.

i went in and asked the man to use the phone, he pointed to the pay phone.
So...i walked to the pay phone, dead.

i went in and asked the man who could speak no english if i could use the phone. he pointed to another phone, i started walking and praying drew would answer. his number is the only one i have memorized. i felt stupid.

i saw it was only 5o cents to call, so i Found the change and made the call. one ring.....two rings...."hello...wait hold on a second, someone wants to tell you something". if you have called drew, you know what i am talking about. i, through tears, left a message. it was the only number i knew. 203..that is kelly, i think there are more numbers though. 615-517...that one is zito, missing a Few digits. Ryan, 734-516...i think there is a 9 in the next part. why can't i remember phone numbers???? 419..that is kari. 616-669-7662 that one is lou, drew's mom. but she just tried to get new service, so thier phone number that they have had For 20 years is on hold, not working. 989-828-6918. i think that might be my uncle gordon's number..but not For sure. it is something like that though. but truthfully, what is he going to do, he is in shepherd.

F day.

i walked back into the gas station to have another man ask me if i needed help, to which i responded, "no thanks, my husband is coming" ...at least, i hoped he was.

in reality, i only waited For maybe 10 min. but it was long enough For me to beat myself up about all the things that happened to me through out the day. i held in my tears, and in walked drew. i am not sure how long i stood there sobbing, but i have never been so glad to see him. i was helpless.

cops came, kelly and drew pushed the car into a lot and drew is now calling a tow truck and Finding a place to take the car.

i love the boys in my life. they all take care of me in so many ways. i really am the luckiest of women. but please Lord, please let this F day end.

F can stand For so many things. today it was Frustration. although i must admit i thought a Few other F words today too. but when i am in bed tonight, i am going to pray Faithfulness...Faithfulness...Faithfulness.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Hope Lifts

I love my life.

I love the road, and the smells that it brings. I sit and watch the Georgia sunset and wonder how in the world did God bring me to this place? I am so blessed. I must be among the riches of the rich, feeling the presence of the King as He gives and gives his blessings and love to me. I recognize Him in the relationships that I am privileged to partake in. The new ones, and the aged ones. Each has His image, and I see it. How did I get here? I wonder as I ride down this highway and feel the comfortable cushion underneath me. Sipping Dr. Pepper and wondering what tomorrow could possibly hold that would take my breath away more than today. I am loved. I am known. I am held. By Him, the holder of all things. There are things in my life I don't understand, and wish I had, but He hears me. This I know.

I have been thinking much on hope lately, and the danger it brings to my life. The bible tells me that Hope never disappoints. I live and breathe based on what the Word tells me. However, this one is hard to understand. If this Hope that it speaks of means in life, based on eternity, then yes, Hope Never disappoints. I know that I will find my home with Jesus, and long for the day of constant, uninterrupted commune with him and my Father. But if it means no disappointment now, I am lost.

I went to a Hallmark store when we were in MO about a month ago. I never go into that store, but I was bored and looking for a card for someone. As I was walking, I saw these little angel statues. I am sure most of you have seen them. They are wooden and show friends, or mom, dad and kids. But then I saw this one, that sort of struck me. It was a child holding a balloon. He was looking up at the balloon as if he was about to leave the earth. The balloon was made of wire and written in it was the word, "Hope".

It was entitled "Hope Lifts Us Up".

Hope lifts. It said something to me. I just stood there staring at it. And crying. I forced myself to think about the children my heart longs for. I have prayed and tried for so long to have a child of my own. And it seems that every time I see one, something in me yearns, longs, exasperates for it. Timing. I know. I have heard the sermon. Tell "wait" to my heart one more time and it will laugh. Wait is tattooed on the outside of my heart and has been there so long it feels like home. And that is where Hope knocks. He is like a kid playing a trick on my heart. You know the trick, there is a knock on the door and you go to see who it is, but when you open the door, no one is there. And when you close the door, there is another knock. I find myself playing this game with Hope month after month, year after year. And I cant help but fall for it's trickery. I MUST open the door. Every time I come to the conclusion that this time I will not answer, I see something in the window. A moment, then hidden. Brown eyes, brown hair. That smile. A child playing tricks. knocking, then running away with jumps and giggles. I must answer. I must open the door to Hope. It isn't disappointing, that is the wrong word. Hope is hidden.

I visited my sister last week. On the drive there I was thinking and praying about this Hope that bugs me so much. I was thinking of that little statue that struck my heart that day in MO. Hope lifts...Hope lifts.... I thought of calling Drew and telling him that I liked it, I knew if I told him I liked it, that he would buy it for me. He spoils me like that. But then I thought, no, I don't really need it, and I just kept driving and continued praying about the things in my life.

I had a great visit with my sister and nephews. I hadn't seen them since Christmas (way too long) and the visit was priceless to me. It was almost time for me to leave and my sister was showing me some cards she had just received in the mail from friends (she makes cards and sells them to raise money for the adoption of their little girl in China. Kariscards.org). Then she said, "Oh! I got this for you. I went into this store for no reason really, and I saw this and felt like you should have it".

Hope lifts


He heard me. He hears me.


I am not content with living facing forward. My gaze must always be different than the most. It must look past the obvious, and into the Promise. It must look up. That is where my home is. That is where I see Hope. That is when it Lifts.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Hope falls from the sky

There are days when i listen to my friends who write music and i get so jealous of them. I wish i could articulate the feelings of my heart in music. There are moments i am given tunes to carry with me, but the words come from a different place. they flow freely and I can't wrap them into a verse or chorus.

I listen to all of my favorite groups, and wonder how they can all write so well, yet give the same message. I mean, it is all about life, and no one has life figured out yet, or ever. We stumble, we sink, we are rude, or even mean. But we live. And all of my friends that are on a quest to the REAL Jesus are just trying to do their best. I guess sometimes i just wish i didn't know i had a choice. I wish i had to believe what my parents taught me, or what i learned in Sunday school. But even then, those things are so skewed. I memorized I Corinthians 13 when I was in 8th grade. We all took a verse or two and recited it for the whole congregation. They were just words, like the Pledge of Allegiance, said without meaning, without conviction. The passion comes in understanding.

I feel the world is getting confused. I hate looking through magazines anymore, everyone wanting something, everyone has a statement. Rob Bell speaks the words of GOD. ... Maybe he does.

But my heart begins to think that Jesus is becoming, hidden. He isn't out there anymore. He isn't understood. You just can't put him in a box anymore, or qualify him as this way or that. Now, all of a sudden, you have to KNOW him. But can Jesus be everything to everyone? Can he be the man who blesses the rich and sleeps with the poor? Can he be solemn and a rebel? Traditional and Contemporary? Isn't he the same guy as yesterday, today, and forever? Then who is he? Is he just who i make him to be? Is he just who i want him to be?

I realize I am only 33. I know i will never have the answers to the questions of life. But i long to know this Saviour of mine. There are times where i do feel i have met him. He has touched me, my face, my cheek. He has danced with me in sorrow, literally. He has given me the pearl ring to wear, as his. I have encountered a Jesus. my Jesus. He loves. He directs. He waits. He laughs. He longs. He sits in the rain under a tree with me, getting dirty, being washed clean. and in the morning, we walk. again.

I don't see this man very often. Not for lack of trying, but the world gets in my way. decisions (some I make monsters out of), are to be made.

My vision has not left me. I still see times past. I can not see into the future, i don't know what it looks like, or how it will feel. I think it will hurt. i think it will love. sometimes it makes me tired. sometimes it makes me cry. and then hope falls from the sky reminding me that he is coming. that he is here even now. I smile knowing that he is here, somewhere. even with me.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Catching up

Here I am sitting on my couch and drinking a cup of beautiful french pressed coffee made by my one and only drew. The week has flown by once again, even though we are at the hump, but i feel pretty organized about what I am to do. I have been trying to get organized so I know what i need to do, and when i need to do it. I have been busy doing everything from dishes to cooking, to meetings, to a bit of the tv watching. We have "cable" now, which basically means we don't have to squint to watch LOST now. (which tonight, it was AWESOME!) So, that is the update.

God is doing lots of things in my life. too many to sort out right now while i watch the last episode of Sex In The City. Somehow that show just hooked me. It is the thought of having close friends like the girls on that show. I am beginning to understand that not many people are blessed to have even one good friend, and i have so many. Most of you who read this blog are my closest of the close. It is amazing how blessed i have been. I think sometimes about the things i wish i had, but then, compared to the closeness in spirit I have been given, I remember, I am blessed.

I am loved, and there is no greater thing.